When Do You Take Down Your Online Dating Profiles?
Roy S. Gutterman wrote a great (although somewhat unrelated) article yesterday at the Jewish Exponent, discussing what he felt to be a "bogus" online dating profile. It seems a newspaper wedding announcement struck him as odd for a couple of days,
"...until I went on to JDate, and saw the same photo for the 30-something woman whose impending nuptials were just announced in the paper. It seemed peculiar that she was maintaining an active profile on the online dating site. In fact, she had just logged on within the past few days."
Which led me to question: when do people remove (or hide) their online dating profiles after starting a relationship with someone new?
I know that for me personally, I have hundreds of profiles on sites all over the world. But that's because I write about Dating for a living, and feel it important to really know the sites I write about and comment upon. Anyone whom I've dated knows this and understands that there is no way I can change each and every profile to say I'm in a relationship when I am. But what about everyone else?
Do you have an expectation as to when someone you are dating removes their online dating profiles? Does it even matter to you?
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I know that I think about this often and if I have had what I qualify as a great date, it is potentially damaging to the relationship and to my self esteem to discover the other person online and checking the profiles daily. I find men can be very touchy when suggesting that we mutally take down our profiles while seeing if we have a chance to learn about each other. I think if you have been dating for say a month that both should mutually agree to take down their profiles.
I think that leaving your profile up while your in a relationship shows that you have one foot out of the door, and can prevent a relationship frow growing fully. Your still advertizing yourself as single!
It’s definately a touchy subject. Inevitably, one or the other is spying to see if the other has been “active” online. It can be frustrating and painful to see an imbalance in online activity. Generally speaking, the “hook” in any relationship is the “L” word. Once spoken, it changes everything..and most definately the profiles should come down. If they don’t come down naturatlly (without talking about it) at that point, then perhaps there may be some flight risk that could lead to heartbreak.
Thanks Kate. You’re right. Just having your profile online can put a limit on trust and you can’t really have true intimacy without trust.
Here’s my two cents: I’ve been dating online on and off for a few years, and I’ve had to face some truths about my own expectations. Communication is as important as trust, and two people have to define what a relationship means to them. One or two great dates doesn’t automatically make you exclusive, and until you have a commitment, you can’t expect someone to not date others. Your self-esteem should never be dependent upon how much someone else likes you. It’s important to remember that although you might get along well with someone, you might not be looking for the same things. Not everyone on a dating site is looking for commitment, and it’s important to find that out early. Also, someone who is spying to see what the other person is doing after a few dates is setting themselves up. I only know about how Match works, but I’m auto-signed whenever I’m online, so it doesn’t mean I’m on the site. Also, my email goes to my personal email, so it could say I’m active just because I opened the emails; I could have responded that I was seeing someone and waiting to see where it goes…you just don’t know what is going on if you can’t be honest and ask. Someone who just spies, is bringing pre-existing trust issues to the table. You don’t have to wait and see what happens naturally; if you are really into someone and want to pursue it exclusively, tell them. If they don’t feel the same way, you know, and you can move on. Not discussing it is just a way of avoiding hearing that the other person doesn’t feel as strongly as you do.
Hello Cat, these are all valid points but you didn’t answer the core question. When would you take down your profile? As for spying, I agree that after a few dates the expectation that a committed relationship exists would be unreasonable. However, we have been hurt by a relationship and taking a reassuring peek to see if the other person is still on-line isn’t totally unreasonable. For me, I disabled my account as soon as I decided to pursue a long-term relationship. I assumed that she would check and wanted to send the signal that I was serious, could be trusted and wanted to give the relationship a chance. Besides it only takes a few minutes to activate of even recreate a profile.
It definitely is a tricky subject. You have 1 person who is dating multiple people therefore leaving the profile up. You have another person who is trying to build a relationship with just this one person then starts spying.. or maybe feels he might get rejected, or is bored at home alone so he goes online anyway and sees the other person on. Then he doesn’t know if he should even contact the first person. I stay away from the “you looking” “no strings attached (nsa)” people online because to me they seem skanky. Quality not quantity.
I’d like to add that there are “Gay Relationship” books out there in helping with the “Gay Dating World”. I think the world of gay dating is a very complicated subject and one that needs to be addressed more often and more specifically within the gay community itself. Gay people have a unique background due to societal effects that differ from heterosexuals who are almost expected to marry. The fact that gay marriage is not legal in many states in my opinion hurts the basic foundation of long term relationships. There are many people who want relationships and other people who have been hurt, feel bitter, and in turn have a tendency to say things that disparage an honest soul’s quest for a relationship. I think relationship searching and building should be encouraged and not discouraged by the confused and defensive Gay Community. If not in a traditional sense, let’s at least explore what two same sex partners really want without outside society affecting us.
in my opinion you should take your profile off after you and the person you’re with have established that you are now a couple. if you’ve been in a relationship past 3 mths, why would you even bother still having it? there’s no need to further advertise. thats basically all that it is, an advertisement. so you should diffently take it down after you’ve become serious with someone.
A note to say how grateful I am to have found this site, and to read all the above comments. I am in currently in a situation that’s been described, and it is quite unsettling. (I’ve taken my profile off, he hasn’t )
And, I’m afraid to bring it up……wierd ……
Why should someone get upset if you ask them to
hide or remove their profile?
by the way – Happy Turkey Day
GW,
I had the same thing happen to me. Just look him in the eyes and ask him why. Thats what I did and turner she just didn’t thing about it. With this I got us each a glass of wine and we removed our accounts together in a ceremonial fashion. I’m sure it will go the same for you. But if he insists on keeping it he’s… so run! Especially if its been active.
Thanks Mike. Good advice. Love how you made a ceremony out of the occasion!
I have no idea!!! I really like him. We have been talking for a month and have only gone out 3 times. We both have crazy work schedules. Believe me it’s not an excuse. I would love to take down my profile but don’t know if it’s too soon. I would love to be with him exclusively. I don’t think it’s time yet to bring it up to him. We women always assume that men think like us. THEY DON”T AND THEY NEVER WILL… They are more simple, logical and analytical than us. We women over analyze everything based on our feelings. SUCKS doesn’t it?
My BF just took down his profile about 5 mins ago. lol In our case, I have been very experienced in online dating and this was his very first time, he was on there only about 2 weeks before we felt exclusive. He was the one who initiated “quitting” and “unsubscribe” but as some of you may know, on Match.com, “unsubscribe” and “hide profile” are 2 different steps, and I think there are all sorts of trick to keep you “online”.
So I noticed his profile was on even after “unsubscribing” and also he was logging in here and there.
On the other hand, I felt our relationship was going better. I understood his curiousity to “look” even if he says he is not “responding”, but started to bother me. So, tonight, I politely request to take it down, he did it in matter of few mins. I still wish he did without me telling. Well after all I feel better now… As some of you said, I think communication is most important!
hmmm….you’re being naive Bonny if you think that just by writing the right paragraphs a person will “attract” dates. Because 95% of the people checking out dating profiles look at the photo first. Actually most of them ignore the profiles without a photo, so if you look as hell or close to it, no matter what you write in there will hilt. And besides, I don’t think anyone actually believe what’s written in a profile, because they are all so general and say the same thing (most girls love dancing, reading, listening to music, long walks, a caring man/with loads of money if possible, especially if the girl is YOUNG:P). So… getting to meet face to face mainly depends on how good you look on the PROFILE PHOTO, not on what it writes in the profile.
A friend of mine (man) met a girl on a dating site, chatted on messenger and on the phone for a month or so, exchanged photos (he sent her a photo, she didn’t), things were looking good, they shared many things in common. But when they met face to face, she was so boring and was in fact ugly. so he excused himself after 30 minutes and got together with his beautiful ex-girlfriend again. So you get the point:))
I don’t think you’re being dishonest if you don’t mention it. If you say you’re a super model type or skinny, then that would be misleading. But, I don’t believe it’s a lie if you just don’t talk about it. I agree with you that there are just way too many people out there right now who are WAY too into physicality. We need to take a look into peoples’ souls a little more before we judge them for how they look on the outside.
Rehab, I’m not sure if you meant to reply to this specific blog posting or not, as this one is about taking down your profile when you’re in a relationship.
Still, I’m not sure if naive is the word; I’ve used the Internet to meet people for more than a decade now, and I agree with you that photos are important. Extremely! Which isn’t to say that photos don’t lie, but at least it gives you a general idea of who you are speaking with.
This is a huge grey area, so one must delve deeper into the intangibles. First off, who normally pays for initial dates ? That would be the man. Second off, who normally gets more “hits” with regards to online dating ? That would be the female.
Next up, lets agree that we are talking about people that are older than 35 ( those that have been around the block, and should know what they are looking for ).
So lets say you go on 1 date, have a great time, have a few phone calls, go on another date…if she is checking out her profile every day, chances are good she is fishing for someone else.
In the meantime, how beneficial is it for the guy to be paying for all these early dates, when she is looking elsewhere ?
Vince, so I’m reading your response and it leads me to further questions. I am older than 35 and a female, recently (6 weeks ago) began seeing a gentlemen also older than 35; he has paid for all the dates thus far; I made my cupid profile inactive 2 weeks ago and told him that I did. I am not fishing any longer, but he still checks his. Incidentally he doesn’t have a pic up on his so probably gets very few hits, but I don’t want to assume too much.
So do you think he’s still fishing?
I liked the comment earlier about the “L” word and I had just figured I would wait around for it and then say something about the profile. That is his decision, I just wish he would make it!