How Friendly Is Too Friendly?
I chat somewhat regularly with a married man, who contacted me through Plenty of Fish. His profile said he was married and not looking, and since mine clearly says I`m only looking for friends right now because I`m taking a dating break, I thought there was no harm in conversing, especially since I`m new to town and haven`t met a lot of people yet.
Problem is, he greets me by telling me I`m sexy. Which isn`t really a bad thing per say. I`m flattered, yet very uncomfortable - and told him as much. He replied was that his wife was fully aware he`s a flirtatious man by nature, and there is no harm in showing your appreciation for another human being. Quite true, I`ll be the first to admit. I still find it a very slippery slope, and said so.
So. What do you think? Should married men - or women not looking to date - have active profiles up on dating sites? And does a married man telling a single woman she`s sexy mean anything? How friendly is too friendly?
Comments
I think it’s okay for married women and men to be online, but NOT dating sites. This married guy telling you are sexy is fine once. I mean what woman really forgets a nice comment? But every time you talk to each other? It doesn’t matter if his wife knows and understands he’s a flirty guy. If you are uncomfortable and he brushes it off, he’s not respecting you. If you think you are going to get attached to this guy, I suggest you stop talking with this married guy. It’s not healthy and will just cause problems.
Hope I helped, and good luck.
What are either of you doing on a dating site??? Dating sites are for singles looking to date! I think he’s a pig that’s looking to cheat … and regardless what he says, I’m sure his WIFE would not approve of him being on there (I don’t know any woman that would be accepting of her husband having a profile on a dating site). I also think you’re insecure and looking for attention (why else would you post a profile on a dating site if you’re not willing to date anyone). There are plenty of ‘friend’ sites out there … myspace, facebook, friendster, etc that you two could be on, if friends are what you’re really looking for!
Anna: I’m not worried about becoming attached to the guy. He’s married. I was only expecting friendship, if that. I’ve made it clear to the gent what is and isn’t okay, so if he decides to cross the line that I’ve drawn in the sand, then I will most definitely end contact.
Amanda: Some dating sites are definitely only for people looking to date (eHarmony comes to mind), but Plenty of Fish is part social networking, part forums and part dating site. The fact that they have the categories to choose from (friends, single but not looking, married, etc.) said to me it was perfectly fine to be on there without wanting to date. I mean, our own dating advice forums here at About have several married members who are very active posters. Ask them why they still hang out here, and they’ll tell you its because they made friends here while they were still single, and thought sticking around to answer questions and chat with friends was the right thing to do for them.
Additionally, I’ve found that many of the ‘friend’ sites out there that you’ve mentioned actually net people more dates than the dating sites. I can’t remember a time when someone has contacted me on Friendster and they weren’t looking for anything other than a date! Mind you I don’t use their service much, as I find their membership numbers are artificially inflated by the other sites they run, but that may all change now that Penthouse has purchased that network. Only time will tell.
Having said that, I did ask for people’s opinions, and I’m thrilled to see you didn’t hold back in sharing yours!
Thanks for the comments.
Dating sites are specifically for dating. Perhaps a married person would be better served on a social network site where all the profile details can be unfolded for all to see. I am a partner in a dating site, lookingforlove.com, and it is exactly as its name professes, for people who are looking for love. There are divorce courts for those who no longer are in love and there are specific sites for those who want to cheat. Give up the lie…
Are you kidding? Do you really think his wife knows about him being on a dating site? If you believe him I have some land in Florida to sell you.
Stay away from him. You will soon have a stalker.
I agree with kim!
“Slippery slope” is interesting language since you are obviously already caught in a landslide. Married men have no business being on dating sites. Come on now. You knew the answer to that one. People get married and stop dating. Those are the rules girls and if they weren’t well then none of us would bother to marry.
A man who is looking for “friends” on a dating site is not looking for a pal to go bowling with otherwise, he would be at the local Elks club. He is looking for a “sexy” vulnerable (hopefully naive) woman with no boundaries and just enough curiousity to let him meet her for coffee or come over to see her puppy. Don’t do it.
How friendly is too friendly? He is friendly enough to make him creepy. Kick him to the curb girlfriend!
My warning bells went off too when I first started talking with the guy, but he assured me over and over he was just looking for friends too. Ok, I thought. Why not, if he doesn’t toe any lines of impropriety. The “sexy” comment did in my mind, so I no longer talk with the gent. I was more curious as to what others thought on the topic than looking for advice myself.
Many of a married man has begun an affair by setting a get-together, telling the woman it was just friendship.
It can begin friendly and innocently enough, and then the sales pitch and rationalizations begin.
Glad you’ve gotten rid of him. Good luck finding friends and real prospects in your new town.
May I suggest a quick read of Marriage and Morals by Bertrand-Russell ? Morals are what we use when we want to stop someone else doing something we dont like , usually for the most obscure reasons, and most often of all because we were TOLD to think that something was innappropriate. Come on girls , cover your faces when you go out, after all we all know its immoral for a woman to be seen by a man in public…… dont we ? excuse speeling to tired to check !
I don’t think this is really that complicated, sorry.