Reader Question: Letting Go of a Long Term Partner
lorna011 asks in the dating forums: My long term partner of over 10 years has broke up with me and I cannot let go. Its not been a straight break up, he moved out , then came back to me, and then moved out again. Things have happened where I blame myself; mainly because of lack of communication on my part and his I have lost him, I've been waiting for him and hoped he would come back to me. I found out recently that he has no feelings for me, does not even find me attractive anymore and is seeing someone else. The pain of losing him and the fact he feels nothing for me is devastating. I feel I messed up and I don't know how I will ever get over him, as I love the person he is and I miss him so much. I have been in touch with him but I think he is getting fed up of me contacting him but its so hard not to contact him. Hes the best thing ever in my life and I loved being with him, all the memories i have and think of. He is my first love and I don't think I will ever get over him.
Do you have any suggestions for lorna011, and how she can let go of her long term partner?
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I didn’t think I would get over my first love either. He hurt my soul so bad that I couldn’t bounce back. I just took it one day at a time. Several of those crying until I couldn’t cry no more. Just when I though I was meant to be alone I met my current love.
I can relate to your situation, as I too was on the receiving end on a husband who left numerous times before I made it stop. I am sorry but that is not love. If he loved you he would not have and if you love you - you would realize that. Stop contacting him, take one day at a time and take care of you. If he has moved on, then you HAVE to move on. He may seem like your 1st, your last and your everything - but he is not if he can turn off his feelings. Hang in there!!!! I did and it got SO MUCH better!
I have been exactly where you are at. I think the worst part is knowing they have moved on and have no feelings for you.I went thru a slump, but you have to live one day at a time, and definitely, quit contacting him.It will only end up making him hate you. Involve yourself with things you enjoy whether it be your kids, family, work, home, church, etc.Use this time to rediscover who you are. Start walking.Clean out your closets. Have a yard sale.Cook new recipes and try them out on friends and co workers.It will get better.And, when you are least expecting it, new love will find YOU!!! One day at a time.
Thank you so much for your comments and support. It helps to hear that you have been through this yourselves and the advice and support you have given me means so much to me. Thank you. I’ll try to hang on in there!
Sounds to me like a pretty normal emotional reponse you are experiencing. When I have had a strong emotional connection to another I have felt the same way you describe. Maybe you are responding not only to a break-up but also to the feeling of being rejected?. Either way the pain is real and I am sure with time it will slowly fade away, even if right now that does not seem likely. Please don’t put all the blame on yourself either. I realize that may be hard to do considering the circumstances but give it your best shot. Only hearing a small piece of your story and from your perspective alone it is difficult to respond with total accuracy, but again, I do believe you CAN and WILL overcome this painful period in your life. Don’t worry about putting up a front and make-believing everything is ok either. Dealing with your pain now is much healthier than carrying it around with you. Hold on to the fact that your ex-partner respected and cared about you enough to end the relationship and not holding on to you as a “back-up”. Indeed, if he is speaking about you now as though he dosn’t/didn’t care a bit about you, this may be his way of dealing (covering up) with his pain.?
The way I handled a similar situation after a three-year terrific relationship, was to become a member of Match.com and a few other dating sites, and keep very busy with friends, relatives, travelling, etc. It has been nearly two months since my breakup, and I am dating regularly and having a great time just enjoying the friendship of others. The key is to make new friends and continue relationships with old friends and try to do something with them after work daily.
I am facing a similar situation - having to leave a partner of nearly 14 years - who I still love dearly. After all this time he is still comittment shy and does not want children with me. I have been at this crossroads with him many times before and know that I should have left long ago. I am now at an age where I realise I may never have children and am so sad that I spent my best years (or at least my childbearing years) with him. Ah well, I know it is going to be so hard (I will lose my home too) but it is what I have to do. If I could give any advice to girls out there facing a similar thing - it would be - of course give your relationship the best shot possible - but when it is clear that it is not working - you absolutely have to make that break - before it is too late…! I really hope things have improved for you and you have or are making a bright new future for yourself. Best wishes
the only thing i regret is that i spent the best years (child-bearing years) of my life with him and although we are not officially out of the relationship yet (we decided to work it out for a year since his issue is that he doesn’t feel the same when were a new couple and we always fight), i am preparing myself for parting time. it’s my way of handling the blow to my ego and feelings of rejection. you are right in saying it feels like you’ll never recover but i know deep in my heart we will be able to do so. just as they said, one day at a time…