A challenging question and one that I get fairly often, although usually more from women than men. Other than for the obvious reasons, its challenging to answer a question about casual sex, if only because there is only so much information one can provide me with. For instance, you may know what you're thinking, but what about the person you're having casual sex with?
This week I've attempted to answer it, using one specific reader's question as a guide:
I met this guy about 5 months ago and we agreed that we were both not ready for a relationship (him just getting out of a serious relationship and me not ready for one at all), so we began having casual sex. We have since both admitted to having feelings for each other and have thought that there might be something else between us other than just casual sex. Does the fact that we know each other so intimately hinder our ability to get to know each other better on a more relationship-oriented level? I know that I am interested in him, and I know he is interested in me. But I want to build what we have beyond a purely casual sex. Is that possible?
My answer can be found here: Can Casual Sex Become a Relationship?
But, you tell me. What do you think?
I’ve been down this path, and I am sad to report it was not a smooth ride. I was seeing this guy (it was strictly casual, which was what we both wanted when we met) for several months when he expressed an interest in more. And I thought, gee, that sounds nice. But it was too weird, to suddenly start spending the whole night and waking up together, to start meeting one another’s friends. To be completely in each other’s lives. I wish your reader luck. Maybe she’ll be able to succeed where I failed.
Hi,
From man point of view…
I can’t see any reason why you could not have a great relationship.
It simply depends how you two feel together.
To start any relationship as a casual may have many advantages. Imagine yourself dating a guy for a year without being intimate.
You may love each other to death. Just to find out after a year that sex ’sucks’.
Sex is as important as all daily activities, romance,work, living together… – simply life in general.
If you started from the other end (intimate) – you have an assurance that you will not fail in a ’sex department’. During all this time you had chance to know each other.
Because you like each other more than just for casual sex you have no problem to develop it as far as you feel. As long you are both genuine (I mean you really think what you say to each other) – there is no need to speculate.
Past is past. Move on. Do what is the best for both of you. If you keep thinking you might miss a train.
And yes – it may work – it might not. There is no guarantee to any relationship.
It is for sure – it does not make any difference if you started casual or with dating each other for five years.
Love and compability are important.
Wish you best of luck.
Tibor
it really depends on the guy himself
So my boyfriend and I went threw this same situation. We decided that just friends with benifits would be best for the both of us becuase niether of us were ready. After about 6 months things started getting more serious. Then about a year later he asked me to move in with him and so far so good. Becuase we were so compatable in the bed room everything after that seemed so easy. I didnt feel uncomfortable around him and we just have so much fun. I wish you the best of luck!
Apparently the latest thing with younger generations is intimacy BEFORE a relationship. It’s all about “hanging out” with no strings. I find this disconcerting.
Not being of that generation, I don’t see how this can work. I was brought up and have always been told to “get to know someone” before becoming intimate, unless of course, the goal is simply a sexual relationship with no commitment. Call me old-fashioned, but sex with someone is not only vulnerable, but one of the most intimate actions one can share. It only seems this a natural progression towards developing a relationship with someone.
And then there is the whole “male conquer” aspect. Not that women should play games, but rather keep a thrill of a little bit of chase. Let the person have something to fantasize about, look forward to, and…chase! After all, you can never take back your “virginity” with the other person. There is that wonderful sexual tension that is there before two people have been intimate. It’s such an amazing feeling that is not there after the ice has been broken…
@mod_mila:
Geez, I haven’t heard advice like that since my days as an elementary student at church. Abstinence is great, sure. Save yourself for that one special person, and if they turn out to be a bad pick, just grin and bear it:)
No I don’t think it’s a good idea to sleep around just for the hell of it, but if two responsible adults can agree on terms of a sexual relationship that they can both live with there isn’t a reason in the world to fool around playing childish head games.
Someone I was dating decided that he just wanted to be FWB. I knew he was afraid of his feelings and commitment. I decided to stick it out b/c I had feelings for him already but I decided that I would date others and not be a complete martyr.
Unfortunately he has been going through a very rough patch in his life and he has realized that I have stuck by him and supported him. He has since decided not to fight his feeling for me anymore and we have moved on to the next plateau. We both love each other very much and more importantly are in love with each other. I only pray our happiness continues.
I really like your blog! Can you help me out with one, if I want to have sex with my neighbor is that bad? I don’t want a emotional relationship, just a physical one.
I am currently in a relationship, going on 5yrs. Yes, it started off as FWB. It was very difficult for me because I started having feelings first. I noticed over time that it changed. It went from seeing him once a month to almost everyday. I also noticed a change in our lovemaking. Although it was good in the beginning, it has changed to being very passionate. He never use to kiss me, now he can’t hold me without kissing me & we think about and want each other constantly. As time went on our passion grew. We are deeply in love. I think the fact that we are so compatible in bed, along with the fact I stuck with him through the tough times our love just grew. Love is a gamble, anyway you look at it.
I’m having sex relationship with one guy, We had arranged for a date for the first time but the date turned out to be sex. we are having great sweet sex and i hope it turns to be something more than good sex. He lives one hour far from me but when i need him he comes to me even if it’s so late at night and he asked me not to do it with other guys.
I have feelings for him but i don’t know if he feels the same way about me he told me once when he was drunk that he loves me but i did not take it serious becouse he was a little bit drunk……..
What should i do????? I want him to be mine
I have been with my husband for 6 years and we have a lovely 4 year old little girl. We meet and were FWB. Just casual fun and sex…. He made it clear that he didn’t want a relationship from moment we met and wanted just casual fun. I did want one in a way, (I was 30 when we met, he was 27) but at same time I was enjoying life and was in no hurry as had great life, job and own flat and friends. We became a bit of fun and we both dated and slept with other people. I really liked him and we used to speak every day and we were so close (I was sure and he later said) that he couldn’t be this way with anyone else and he wasn’t. although I do remember him saying that whilst he saw potential in us, he didn’t think casual fun was best foundation to build relationship on… how wrong was he. haha! we fooled around like that (casual fun) for about year, then one day he realised he loved me (I already knew I loved him) lots of things were changing in that year.. we would make love and be there through thick and thin and when he went through a bad time, I was there for him. So in answer YES it can!
I’m an older woman, I liked a co-worker for 2 years before I began showing interest in him. In time our casual office conversations turned a little flirtatious. We exchanged numbers and our first time together alone we had sex after a conversation that was mutual, where I learned that we had both divorced at the same time. We both were just looking for a casual sex partner. Its been 6 months and he is still a little shy, although he initiates calls every evening. I’m wondering if its time to have ‘the talk’ of where we stand.