Reader Question: Should My Teenage Daughter Have Overnighters With Her Boyfriend?

Maybe my age is showing, but sorry, daughter, no way. My house, my money, my rules. I am uncomfortable having your boyfriend spend the night, so that’s the end of discussion.

I’m 20 and I’m still living at home with my parents and working of course, but I couldn’t even bring myself to even ask my parents if I could sleep over with my boyfriend. That’s just not an option, out of respect for myself and my parents.

How soon do they want to be a grandparent? Teen pregnancy? Who do you think will be raising the baby if so happens? Grandma!

hello miss,
i am atul kumar from india. your problem is jenuine. your daughter should not sleep with anyone before marrige. if your daughter think that her boyfriend will marrie her then ask frequently to your daughter about that. this age groupe is very sencitive, so takel him patiently. if she don’t want to marrie, then plz don’t give her permission. if your daughter don’t obey you, then plz tell her about precautions and saftey during sexual relationship, its only last way to protect to your daughter. i hope that every thing will be all right. good luck.

ATUL KUMAR

I agree with the first comment…” no way. My house, my money, my rules” Why should daughter get all the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility. Even if she were to rent a room from someone other than her parents the house rules may state “no overnite guests” It was until I was going to college full-time paying my own way by working part-time and contributing financially to the household that I even broached the subject with my parents. I was 20 at the time, however, and they agreed that he could stay occasionally and out of respect to let them know ahead of time. So I would advise Mom to say “NO” until daughter has a better idea of what life is really like and that the world does not evolve around her boyfriend and sleeping together. Daughter should get over it or move out.

I believe that since they have been together for 2 years that they are fairly serious about each other and they are more than comfortable with each other so I think that if you are worried about the sex part it either has happened or will happened so I would stop worrying about that and start talking to your daughter about contraception. Either getting on the pill or the morning after pill or condoms and accept the fact that they are having sex and learning how to live together but at this point in their lives they do not need a baby to look after.Most guys at this stage of their lives are just looking for someone to replace mother and that is to do laundry,make meals,keep their apartment clean.So this is my opinion.

The girl is 18 years old, a legal adult. I think it’s time to “let go” and stop sheltering children Let them LEARN responsibility and live a little. What happened to speaking with kids about safe sex and pregnancy issues? Believe it or not folks, your children are going to have sex, whether they sleep over their significant other’s or not, they will find a way to experiment sexually. It’s human nature. Don’t you remember when you were a teen? Sexual relations can happen anywhere (and I do mean ANYWHERE) at anytime. You let your teen go to their significant others during the day don’t you? Newsflash — Sex can occur during the day, not just at sleepovers. Unless you have a watchful eye on your kid at every second of every day, you don’t know what they’re doing. Although some parents would love to have their teens on a leash, it’s very unhealthy for both the teens development and the psychological mentality of both the parent and child. Let’s stop trying to keep the kids from growing up. Let’s educate them so they make good choices and safe decisions.

I am a 17 year old girl and I personally do not think that it is reasonable for your daughter to be upset with you because she wants her boyfriend to sleep over. In your house, there should be rules, your rules. If she doesn’t want to abide by them, then maybe it is time for her to move out. As for the sex aspect, it is true that yit is hard to stop her from doing it if she wants to but allowing her boyfriend to sleep over is almost ok-ing it. Teens tend to push towards having more freedom and less responsibility but i believe that the two must come together or else she’ll never grow up. Do not let her tell you what to do, you are the adult and you have a right to make the rules of your own household! It’s really not an outrageous rule at all!

Hi, I am 18 and my girlfriend and I have been having sleepovers with each other since we were both 16. Our parents don’t mind at all and we respect them by asking before we do. All I really have to say about this is: sex is going to happen no matter what. My parents started teaching me about safe sex when i was around 13 years old and if they had not, I would be in a very bad situation now. I just know it. My girlfriend and I have been practicing safe sex for 2 years and our parents have known about it for the entire time. Why shelter your kids when you can be teaching them so much more by acting mature and having an open relationship with them? I have learned so much from my parents and feel sorry for any teen who has parents who shelter them.

It’s hard to believe many of the comments read here. I am a father of a now 19 year old. When my child was reaching puberty, I asked the question “Do you know what they call teenagers who have sex without protection?” The answer being “Parents”. My child knew at 11 about condoms, about sex, about safer sex, about pregnancy, etc. I made certain that condoms were always available in case they were needed. With all the knowledge and resources, guess what folks, no pregnancy, no STDs, and no fighting.

The problem I see with so many of the comments (and Puritanical “morality” more generally) is the idea that sex is bad/wrong/immoral/etc. Come on! Sex is a wonderful thing. Sex is pleasurable on an emotional, mental, physical and spiritual level–there is nothing wrong with it. Try going past the indoctrination and brainwashing given by religious institutions that want you to believe that something that feels so good on so many different levels is bad/wrong/immoral/etc. Consider that if on the one hand you do something that is so satisfying, but you have this hangup imposed on you that says it’s bad, guess what…you need to go to your religious institution. And the more often you go to your religious institution, the more likely you are to give money and give up your ability to think for yourself. It’s all about social control. So, have sex. Let your 18 year old sleep with his or her partner, and forget the indoctrination.

If it makes the mother uncomfortable, then she should tell her daughter that if she wants to have these sleepovers, she can find somewhere else to live and pay her own bills.

i think so im 22 and my fols let me when i wuz 18 choose what i want to to do with out their consent i dont see what the big deal is it aint like shes 15 or something shes grown let her live her life she could move out your house and doesnt legally need your permission by law she doesnt need your permisson to leave or moveaway and it is a real law as soon as a person reachs the age of 18 nolonger needs consent or approval by the parents

sure she can go sleep with him, but mom at the same time can also say “hey, the night you go to sleep over with him the next day you are living on your own”

so if she can’t be grateful for what she has now, maybe she can go look somewhere else for it.

she’s been living by the house rules for 18 years, why should they just change.

I can only speak from personal experiance, and it relates pretty well in this situation. I began dating my now ex boyfriend at the age of 16. I had a curfew of 11 pm, and we started having sex about 2 or 3 months after dating. So, mom, if you are thinking that stoping the sleep overs stops sex, you would be wrong on that account.

I did live at home for a few months after I tuned 18 and I would never have dreamed of asking if I could sleep over with my boyfriend. That is just disrespectful. Period. However, I chose to move out and get an apartment. My parents weren’t at all happy because they felt it would disrupt my education. My boyfriend did move in with me, which didn’t help relieve their concern.

Now, to sort of give an example of how the scenario played out. I stayed with him for about 6 years in all. We had a baby when I was 21. We only lasted about a year after.

In my oppinion, you are not only within your right, but it is your responsibility to lay down ground rules, whether she is 18 or not. If she wants to stay with her boyfriend like an adult, then she should try out the rest of the package by living on her own. If she does get pregnant, then at least she would have more life experiance of what the real world (bills, housekeeping, work, etc.) is like.

Also, it is your home she is living in, don’t know if there are little siblings, but if so, what kind of example does that set for them? Explain to her how her wishes and the arguments effect the rest of the family. Give her the option to respect your rules or move out. You are the parents and you are still in charge.

my answer is : Stick to your guns. If you initially said no, then stay with it. There is no point in being uncomfortable in your own home. Let them go have sex in a car or where ever. It’s your house, you said no. Respect the mom. You are not intruding onto her life. The actual SEX isn’t the issue, it’s the boundaries you set and whether your child will abide by them. “Adults” who are free to make their own decisions understand discretion and respect.

I must say that if your daughter’s boyfriend says that it is stupid that they can’t have sleepovers, then he is not mature enough for them. Sex is their problem, you taught them all you could up to this point. But if you said no to it in your house, stick to it and don’t budge. She doesn’t like the rules, she should get a job and move out, but otherwise the rules are the same even before she became a legal adult. If they think it is stupid that they can’t have sleepovers, then they are clearly not ready for them. I am also only 16 and I think that it is innapropriate for them to have sleepovers, only if they live together.

I’m troubled by the fact that this boyfriend actually refers to y’all as “stupid.” He sounds like a jerk.

That said, I don’t see how you can win this one. Of course you’re within your rights to say no (which is what I would probably do), but what you allow or don’t allow, per se, is no longer really an issue; she will do what she decides to do. You can’t make her not have sex with her boyfriend.

Most people who move out from their parents’ house to go somewhere other than college do it because they want to do things they feel they can’t do while living at home–sex being at the top of the list. So it seems to me that the probable outcome, if you put your foot down and say she’ll have to find another place to live if she sleeps with him, is that she gets her own place or moves in with the boyfriend.

If she does this, that doesn’t make you a bad person by any means–it’s called tough love–but it doesn’t sound like the outcome you want.

You need to talk to them both about sex and what is expected of them on sexual matters. Don’t let her stay over, she needs to mature a bit more before you openly let her have privileges like that. You need to make sex something open and something she can approach you about so its not something she has to hide from you. I am 18 and when I started to have sex, I sat down with my girlfriend and my parents and talked to them about it. Awkward? Yes. But productive as well.

It’s unlikely that she will start the conversation with you though, so you should start it with her AND her boyfriend.

HELL NO! She is still under her parents’ roof. If she wants the privilege of having her boyfriend stay overnight, she can get a place of her own. Her parents are just opening a Pandora’s box if they let her do this. And her boyfriend being so outwardly disrespectful by calling her parents stupid means she needs to get another boyfriend.

NO WAY, NO HOW! Tell her they can MARRY and you’ll let them live there till they’re on their feet. You know, this is what is wrong these days….whatever happened to being the PARENT! Then they’ll want to smoke dope there too! Make it as HARD as possible for them to have a place to have sex! Tell her NO and that you DO NOT APPROVE and that if she continues to have sex with him before marriage then she’ll need to leave NOW! Such BS to even consider this. It’s that old attitude “well they’re gonna do it anyway, so I might as well make sure they are safe’ BALONEY! Are you gonna wash her “used” sheets too????

Oh and by the way, I forgot to tell you that I have told my two daughters that if they choose to shack up with a guy before being married………..then they’ll pay for their own weddings too. My money, my rules.

I absolutely have no problem with an 18 year old girl spending the night at her boyfriends house, even if it were my own daughter. Where I live, at 18 you are legally an adult. I(and every parent) should feel confident in how I raised my child and trust her to make the correct decisions based on the situation. If I cannot trust my child to make the proper decisions, then there are some other underlying issues there that probably need attention.
Now as for her still living at home. Her parents should suggest that she find a place of her own, if they disagree with the way she conducts her own business.

ok…CMS, you spelled ‘baloney’ wrong first of all…it’s balogna. but onto the sex portion of the discussion…it IS true that if teens want to have sex, they’ll figure out a way without their parents knowing, trust me. I’m 17 and so is my boyfriend. We have had sex before, but it’s b/c we love eachother and we know we want to be together. but most teens just do it for the wrong reasons, these are the ones you have to watch out for. You still shouldn’t let your kid have sex before theyre moved out tho thats just wrong and disrespectful. sex IS a normal thing though. My opinion is that if youre in a stable relationship, youre safe about it, it’s for the right reasons, and youre both comfortable (and over 16), it’s perfectly fine. and of course it’s fine when youre married. BUT if youre living with your parents, don’t have a job, and theres ANY doubt about the trust in the relationship DO NOT do it. Sex is a HUGE deal. Once you do it, you can’t just turn back time.

It sounds like you need to have an open and honest discussion with your daughter about how you both feel. don’t argue about it, it’ll only make things worse.

This girl should not be allowed to sleep over. She might get pregnant.

No way. NO how. Never….
Yes kids have sex, but I am not obliged to condone or enable the activity.
Not in my house. If you want to sleep together then setup your own household.

The girl is asking to sleep at HIS house…not the mothers house. So we’re saying she cant sleep anywhere but at her mothers house? OK, then she should be told when you can pay me rent, or you do these chores every day to earn your keep then you do not have to sleep in my home everynight. Sounds like sex education is not the issue..just a matter of responsibility and respect. If she can pull her own weight..she should be able to sleep at his house. If she cannot pay rent, then its moms rules or the door. All in all, this guy sounds like a candidate for the biggest loser boyfriend club anyways…

well im 16 and i think its not appropriet unless she has your permission until shes not living with u anymore this is probably because i have a 2 year old boy i am deffinantly not proud of my self … i just want u to know she should be prepared before she has sex aka condums and the patch

I’m an 18 year old male and just had this problem with my parents. I asked my paretns if it would be ok if my girlfriend that is 17 could stay over the house. They said it was ok (I expected them to say that because I had my first girl sleepover when I was 15) and gave me the talk about being smart and always using condoms and blah blah. I told them they had nothing to worry about and that I’m smart enough not to make a stupid mistake, like getting a girl pregnant. If kids wanna have sex there gonna have sex ypu cant stop it. I think that parents should start trusting their kids because most girls/guys my age dont wanna have a kid and are smarter than that.

I am a legal guardian of a 17 year old daughter, who will be 18 late this year. I understand her “thinking” that she will be an adult at 18 and should be able to do what she wants. I also feel that way, but only if she is adult enough to support herself. If she has a job, moves out on her own, and has the means to support herself, what she does in the privacy of her own home is her “adult” business. But, if she is still dependant on me and her father, NO WAY. My house, my rules. Just because you are 18 does not mean you are an adult. An adult has responsibilies and an 18 year old who lives at home on mom and dad’s money is not a responsible adult. Make your rules mom and stay firm. If daughter wants to live her life, she can do so when she has the means to support herself!

Katie, CMS spelled baloney correctly. Baloney is slang for foolishness. You, on the other hand, spelled balogna incorrectly. The proper spelling for the popular luncheon meat is bologna (remember the Oscar Mayer jingle) Spell check before criticizing others.

Wow. I’m shocked by the fact that the majority of these comments seem to be very conservative and old fashioned. I see many refernces to the good old NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE rule. This is the year 2009. Many mature couples these days chose not to get married at all or cohabbit for many years before they take that leap.

I think this mother is fully within her rights to say that her daughters boyfriend can not sleep over as it is her house and she gets to decide the house guests.

However, personally I see no harm in this 18year old practicing safe sex or sleeping at her boyfriends house. She is legally an adult now and if she is being safe and responsible then i say MOM ITS TIME TO ACCEPT IT – your daughter is a woman now. Let go.

You have the option of threatening her with kicking her out and implimenting your rules that way – or you can treat her like the adult she is and let her live a little and and have her own expieriences.

If you have a daughter DON’T let them do it in your house. Comming from a Dad who made the wrong choice when my daughter was was 16 – the boyfriend turned out to be a psycho and has had a negative effect on her life for years after. They both lost respect for my wife and me and abused our laxness to the nth degree. Take a stand because you are setting the example she will follow for years, whether you realize it now or not. Nobody teaches you how to be a good parent so it’s easy to try to be a friend to your kid. The main thing is to allow her home with you to be a free of hard choices when played by your rules. If the question is whether you should let her stay over at her boyfriend’s house I guarantee that if you say YES the next issue will be them having sex at your place. To the teenage mind it’s exactly the same thing so you are stupid/old/not to be believed if you say YES to letting them have sex at his house and NO to letting them have sex at your house. The fact that this disrespectful little creep has said that you are stupid should clue you in to the fact that he has no appreciation for your feelings in this matter, and if you need a big GET A CLUE moment from an internet message board – the kid has no respect for you or your daughter! and you should plan accordingly. If you give him permission to have sex with your daughter, which is what we’re discussing here in essence, then you’re teaching him that he is correct in his assessment of your feelings. You need to act in a way that may seem unnatural to you – you need to say no even though you feel it might be ok if you say yes. He probably thinks using birth control is stupid too. And if she gets pregnant after you gave the OK on them having sex you’ll be sitting right in the middle of a BIG PAINFUL DISASTER watching your little girl suffer. Sure the parents of boys say to let them have fun, sex is joyful, and whatever other crap has been posted here by morons. But the bottom line is that YOU will be the one holding her hand when she has the abortion, or gives birth to the baby you put up for adoption, or has the miscarriage that scars her for life. Realize – these people may talk intelligently, cleanup the house, go to school and have jobs but most of them are not equipped to make these decisions without firm guidance until they’re older. Even if you say NO and they do it anyway you have made your feelings known and if it goes wrong your child will know you were right, and why you were right, and will carry that lesson with her throughout her life. Sorry to go on but I lived the wrong decision on this one and if I can help you then maybe some good came out of it.

So hi. i’m 18 and i just asked my mom if I could spend the night at my boyfriends, well as you can guess she said no. I’ve been through this before and i moved out because of a topic such as this one. i left thinking 18 i know it all, I’ll move out . well I was wrong. grass isn’t greener on the other side. i just want people my age to realize that and parents only say no because they care. and parents you too, i wish more parents would learn to trust their children, you did raise them. and realize just because we don’t sleep over it doesn’t mean we don’t have sex.daytime is also time for sex. relax a little and let us live and just because we’re labele young adults and what not, it still doesn’t mean we’re not capable of being in love and having feelings. yeah I can understand if the child is 17 or under, trust us not all 18 year olds are the same. promise. so needless to say my parent gave me a free card back home, one and only. we are now honest and get along better. just don’t say i told you so…

Hey Everyone, Im 18 and I read every single one of these comments. All i must admit have GREAT contributions. I personally think it is fine that an 18 year old stays the night at her boyfriends house. My boyfriend and i have been dating since we where 16. yes we started having sex 3 months after we got together but we where great friends before hand. We have now been together 2 years and live together in our own apartment. Time is an issue though. 1# if they have only been going out a few weeks i would personally make them wait until they got to know each other alot better. 2# sex, ok yes it is correct when people say. Some guys are just in it for the sex. So talk to your daughter let her know what your views are. let her know the precautions she should take. Though after all they are teenagers and teenage years are the years of experiment the time that human beings explore each other and there sexual wants. Once you are married and have kids you cant do the same stuff you do when you are a teenager, and you will regret it if you dont. so my personal opinion says let your daughter stay over. Just tell her everything you think she should know. Thankyou to people who agree

Tarsha x

I’m sixteen and i’m going to be as honest as I can with you. The truth might scare you a bit but, you need to hear it. As I think most parents should hear it.
If your daughter wants to have sex- she’ll have sex. Furthermore, if your daughter wants to spend the night at her boyfriend’s house- she’ll spend the night at her boyfriend’s house.
ALL of my mom’s rules have only strained our relationship because I outsmart her and find a way around all of them. My mom is very intelligent and sneaky. But in all honesty, when it comes down to it, she has no control over what I do. She only has an illusion of control.
I’m not a reckless idiot that’s out doing drugs and having crazy sex with everyone. I have morals and values, and am very aware that I’ll be learning new things my entire life. I know that i’ll make my fair share of mistakes and that I might be making them now. But that’s life. No one, including my mom, will be able to protect me from my mistakes.

My mom is aware that I have sex with my boyfriend and I am currently on the pill. However, she doesn’t allow me to spend the night at his house. So what do I do? I say i’m spending the night at a girlfriend’s house and then go to my boyfriend’s. Honestly, nothing usually happens other then we stay up late, watch movies, and eat junk food. Just like at any other “sleepover”. I don’t necessarily want to spend the night because of sex. It’s moreso that my boyfriend is my best friend and it’s nice to be able to have fun late at night with my best friend.

Your daughter will more than likely spend the night at her boyfriend’s, regardless of what rules you put in place. Wouldn’t you rather have an open, honest relationship with your daughter where you know where she is at night?

I hope I helped put things in your daughters perspective.

Actually most posts here are NOT Conservative..I know Morals are something to argue against because it’s 2009..It’s still Morals.. It is areality that there are those that will hold strong to the deceny of a precious thing as virginity.. It is also not a Moral issue.. It is a respect issue too. It especially degrades the female. And she is the one considered to be TRASH..It takes away the very worth that a girl had before she gave it up to someone that just wanted “recreational sex’,and not cared/loved her enough to marry her. The latter is a desrespect towards a girl,and she slowly loses respect for herself,and thus thrustihg in to world of loveless relationships. If anyone is looking for real love,this will not get you there.. (and anyone that is 17 etc. and claims it’s love is so kidding themself,and is not fully mature.. So if what you want is for someone to truely love and care for you this is not the way. If it’s for loveless sex,I guess this is the path.. And anyone that eventually marries a guy, or girl like this would need to worry, and look over their shoulder because they are more likely to cheat,and end the marriage.. I feel sorry for all you that use the 2009 bull.. There are decent moral people out there,and they are happy…

Let them sleep together with your approval & your guidance. Isn’t it better that they are safe & you know where they are & who they are with? Lead by example. Teach them that sex is part of a caring, loving relationship.
I have a 17 year old daughter & her partner has been living with us for six months. We have talked about commitment & contraception & what would happen if it failed.
I think it is the best thing for both of them & they are both able to concentrate on their studies as they are together all the time.

18 and living at home? Parent’s rules. Move out? Your rules. When you rent elsewhere, you follow the rules or you are evicted. That sometimes means sleepovers too. That’s called life.

I really don’t see the problem here.

If she wants to sleep over, let her. Trust that you raised her well, and trust that she’ll make the right decisions. Even if she makes the wrong ones. What is the absolutely WORST thing that could happen?

Think about it. The answer may not be as frightening as you make it seem.

People learn from their mistakes. That’s how they grow.

I just turned 19 and still live at home with my parents. My boyfriends and I live 13 hours away so we have to stay at each others house when we visit.
Our parents trust us to do the right thing. Of course there are make-out sessions after everyone goes to bed but I am pretty sure that is expected.
We have been dating a year and are still virgins.
I think parents just need to have faith in their kids. And all honesty, I wish I could sleep with my boyfriend…and i mean just sleep in the same bed. But out of respect abide by the rules and we always sleep in different rooms.
But if a teenager does want to have sex, they can. There are other place then the bedroom at home so maybe talking to your daughter about birth control and letting her have an overnight would be that bad.
Plus,who wants their parents to hear what is going on in the next room …

You write in you letter, and I quote, “and her boyfriend says outright we are ’stupid’ for not allowing it. Its a constant fight in our house, and I’m terribly sad because this isn’t how we raised her.” You’ve said it yourself, “it’s a constant fight in your house”, and “it isn’t the way you raised her”! Don’t change your ways now because some boyfriend thinks they should demean your rules. If you think it’s a fight now, give in and you’ll see what a major battle is! If you are sad now, again give in. Your sadness with become ten times worse – major depression!! Lastly, what moron boyfriend would call his girlfriends parents, STUPID for setting standards and rules? For any reason? He is not only disrespecting her parents, the moron is showing no respect what-so-ever for thier daughter!!! You better think about this situation and fast! You’ve apparently been very good parents up to this point, why change now?

I have a 26 year old daughter she moved back home after college. She stays out all night with her boyfriend and comes home the next day like it’s ok that she does this. I’ve talked to her about this and she tells me to get over it and deal with it. She doesn’t pay rent because she has student loans to pay plus credit cards. I think she is being disrespectful to us.
At 26 should I just leave her alone and let her do this?

WOW! I am going through all of the above. My daughter is 19 not working and will begin college in the fall. O yea, and does nothing around the house, will barely clean her room. Me and my husband ask her not to stay out during the week. (and the fight begins) On the weekends I do not mind. It has just gotten out of control. She says all of her friends do not go through this with their parents and how she’s grown and so on and so on. I have had it!

I think the European approach works best – it’s the girls decision, I don’t want the details, but you had better be on birth control and using a condom.

I’m 13 and I don’t agree! They could do things they are not supposed to be doing which can ruin her college plans. I would say no! It’s not even an option!

Hi my name is Jennifer and I am 19 almost years old, living at home still. I have been best friends with my boyfriend for 3 years and we have been together for a year. I was allowed to have sleepovers with him for the first 6 months because it didn’t bother my step dad. (thinking it wasn’t serious) When he realized it was he suddenly told my mother he was uncomfortable with it, but my best friend Steven could stay the night whenever he wanted because it isn’t uncomfortable for my step dad even though Steven has a thing for me. After this happened my mom said my boyfriend could stay the night when they were out of town as long as I don’t tell my step dad and they let me stay the night at other places with him. It’s all about trust. My mom trusts me to be with him and my decisions on whether I have sex or not…she knows no matter what I will be safe about it. The reason my step dad can’t handle it is because he is afraid I will turn out like my sisters and be pregnant too young. I think you should give your daughter some rights to that. If you know you raised her right then you know she will make the right decisions about everything. Remember that not giving your children a chance to prove themselves trustworthy and responsible lead to more rebellions and problems between you. Giving her the chance to have sleepovers could keep her from doing other things. However her boyfriend calling you stupid should not be acceptable! GOOD LUCK!

I’m 19 years old and I my mom won’t let my boyfriend sleep over either. I’m working on that one though, I stay over at his apartment all the time. He is 21 and has been very compliant with my moms wishes.

However, parents DONT think that, as one woman here said, “not giving them a place to have sex” is going to change anything. Trust me, speaking form experience that only made things more adventurous! Sex in bathrooms, cars, the woods, etc. If anything I should be saying thanks mom for ehancing my sex life and I’m not even 20.

Just because I like sex and am going to have it no matter what my parents say, doesnt make me a bad person. I’m doing incredibly well in college, I’m a smart student, and very involved in campus/community activities like community leadership and big brother big sister.

SO think whatever you want but parents you’re just trying to close the barn doors after the horse is already out.

How dare her boyfriend call her parents stupid!

At any rate, sex outside marraige is NEVER right. Sure, this is 2009, but does that mean morality has changed? Sex is for married couples and married couples ONLY.

My boyfriend and I have a “no touch” rule. This is not flexible. We do not makeout, hold hands, have sex, or even kiss. We want to save that for our future marriage.

Most normal men want a bride who has not been petted and pawed by some previous possessor.

Even if you marry that person, will the fact that you gave your virginity to them make them trust you more? If you have no respect for marriage before you married them, are you going to be faithful AFTER marraige???

Think about it.

On Your Daughters Side:
I am a 19 year old girl that has had a boyfriend for over two years.I’ll admit I’ve had sex but im not/never have been pregnant.You ask how can she not be pregnant? Well I was taught contraception. It is ignorant parents such as yourselves who assume your teenage daughter is going to get knocked up.Teach her a thing or two about sex and being safe.As for your 18 year old daughter she is 18 an adult legally she can move out of YOUR house with YOUR”Rules” and have as much SEX as she wants with her ignoramous of a boyfriend.The parents that act like “oh well my kid would get it if they did such things” Well to tel you the truth parent most of these teens and tweens have lost their virginity long before they were 18, including your so called sweet innocent child. Yes we lie to save our fit little behinds, and our relationship with you.
On The Mothers side:
This boy has no right to call you stupid or your thoughts stupid. You of course are the owner of your own house and if you feel uncomfortable with him staying the night then say no, but brace yourself for rebellion.If it makes you feel better make them sleep in seperate rooms. Chances are they have slept together already. I’ve never had my boyfriend sleep over, doesnt mean she hasn’t slept over there.Have your heard this “I’m going to go sleep over at jillians” Well to my knowledge she could be going to her boyfriends house. My best friend uses that line so she can get drunk with her friends and sleep over at a friends house.
My message to you:
Ma’am I’m not trying to be rude, but these are just tips for you and the rest of you parents to look out for. It’s going on behind your blind backs already so just let her stay the night at his house, if you feel it unnecesary to stay at yours. I myself am not allowed to have my boyfriend overnight nor have i technically broke the rules but there are many hours in a day and I can tell you I dont need to spend the night at someones house to do scandolous things she can also spend the day with him too =]

Okay I am 18 and I also recently asked if my boyfriend could sleep over at my house. My parents said No and I plan to abide by that decision, at least for the time being. My boyfriend and I have been “active” for a while now and my parents are aware. I have also stayed over at his numerous times without question. Although at first his parents were not happy with the idea. What I ask is; what makes everyone so certain that this couple will have sex? I personally feel uncomfortable and awkward at the thought of having sex with the parents in the next room and if staying at my boyfriends we would usually wait until his parents have left for work the next morning to do anything if at all. While the cats are at work, the mice are at play so to speak. We have plenty of time to have sex during the day-time hours. We both have part time jobs and are planning to go to uni at the end of the summer but still we usually have the opportunity during the day. My desire for my boyfriend to stay over has very little to do with sex. We just want to be able to wake up beside each other. It’s something so simple and innocent yet it means a great deal to us because it’s the one thing we never get the opportunity to do. I ask the parents whether they have ever just cuddled up to their partners and fallen asleep. I personally think it’s important to be able to have that sort of closeness especially if they are doing other stuff. If you know you have raised your daughter to be mature and responsible, I personally don’t see any problem with her staying at her boyfriends for the night. On another note, all this talk about morals and how it is wrong to have sex before marriage is spawned from religious beliefs. What makes it so wrong if two people, of the appropriate age and maturity make love? Your child is old enough to make her own mistakes. Don’t shelter her, let her live her life. If you have a problem with them staying at your house, they should respect that, but if his parents don’t have a problem then I honestly think it would be wrong to stop her. Although, expressing your disapproval is perfectly acceptable.

Let’s all try to remember something. If we raise our children as we intend to, this issue will not become a question at this time in our childrens’ lives. They will already know how to reapond. It is never my place to determine who my childrens’ friends can or can’t be. All I can do is to share my value system of beliefs with my children, live the way I preach, and be a role model for the things I believe.
Think about the times when you have told your children they can’t have something. They almost become obsessed with it. Getting that one thing will become a quest. That’s why diets that don’t allow cookies, cakes and sweets fail. Weight Watchers works because it teaches you how to balance all of the foods you need. Parents should be like W.W. Teach your children how to make decisions. Then let them make some decisions, allowing them to make mistakes. This takes practice, and patience. Discuss with your child the consequences (good and bad) of each decisional path. The fork in the road will only lead to another fork in the road (decision time again).
For those of you who are now infuriated thinking I am living in a fantasy world, take a deep breath, and let me explain.
When my wife and I decided how we would raise our children, we realized that we wouldn’t always be there when they need us, and ultimately, they would have to make a decision on their own. The best thing my wife and I could do is to help them recognize when it was time to make a decision, how they might consider which one to make by weighing the alternatives. Leading up to this means talking about the difficult subjects along the way (safe sex, drugs, drinking, smoking) with a calm demeanor.
By living this way with our children, we have been blessed with 3 very responsible, respectful, and level-headed children who discuss EVERYTHING with us. I keep waiting for the ‘rug to be pulled out from underneath us’ but so far this really has worked.
This does not mean that we haven’t had arguments and disagreements – we have. But when the dust settles, and we come together, our children and us see eye to eye, and they understand what we meant when we talked about it both before and after.
Okay, now for those of you who read the whole thing and then come to a conclusion:
By raising our children to make their own responsible decisions as they are growing up, they then are equipped to make the difficult ones when they have to, when they are on their own.
We can’t say we want our children to be responsible and poof! they are responsible. We have to allow them room to become themselves and this involves trial and error. Many people and parents especially, think that who they are (the parents) is who their kids should become. After all, you didn’t turn out so bad, did you? Despite all the agreement I just got with that statement, parents fail to see the rest of life’s buffet. We are merely one or more choices on a buffet stocked with hundreds of choices, and honestly parents, some of the choices look better than what we chose, either by having it chose for us, or choosing it for ourselves. We need to help our children choose a balanced plate. We wouldn’t necessarily choose chicken nuggets, cottage cheese, and jello for our plates, but guess what? Our kids might. Just because they choose something different that us, does not make them wrong. As parents, I think it is pretty safe to say, you only want what is best for your children. Only we have to remember that we don’t necessarily know best, we only know one combination that worked, and wasn’t worst. Your kids are smart, and even if you think they aren’t listening, they surely are watching, and will use your example, one way or another when it comes time to decide. So give them freedom to decide in the small things, and when it comes time to decide the big things, the biggest compliment you will get is….”Mom, Dad, what do you think I oughtta do?”
Please remember, the world is changing, and our kids with it. Our kids learn faster today than we did, because someone somewhere was smart enough to realize they could. And in that, they are learning more than we were allowed to – when we were in school, we could only learn what the teachers let us. Now teachers have to learn that they don’t have all the answers of WHAT to learn, but need to be able to help kids learn HOW to learn for themselves. If we get off our hell bent on being right attitudes, we’ll get on the path of living with our children, and not for or through our children. Trust me. It’s a great place to be.

Okay parents…here’s the deal. I’m a 23 year old male, When I was 22, I was living with my parents, and went to see my girlfriend everyday. She had her own apartment. Soon I was spending the night. Within the first month, we had sex. It was OUR decision…my parents brought me up right, I wasn’t a trouble maker, and was a virgin until that point. Granted they really didn’t like the idea of the sex, but..at that point it IS NOT YOUR DECISION. You cannot run your childs life at that age anymore. Sex is an addiction after soo long, even for a virgin, hormones power it. You want is really bad. And as well all know, addictins are hard to deny. Now, house rules are house rules, but setting house rules that going another place to have sex isn’t allowed…congratulations, you’ve just found succcess #1, on how to get your child to move out, probably prematurely. If you really LOVE your child (at that age(even at 18)), you’ll tell them you don’t approve of it, but you support them because you love them. Get them contraception of some sort, and tell them, if they wish to have sex, it must not be under your roof. Or if you’re REALLY smart, you’ll allow it under your roof, because otherwise, trust me on this…if they cannot..they’ll want to find the quickest route out of your house..because they’ll want that rule gone.

As everyone else has said, stop sheltering your child! Your job is to teach them BEFORE they reach 18-20, once they are there.. there isn’t a DAMN thing you’re going to do to control them. My parent (one of them) tried, and found when he said (My way or get out), that he had a spare bedroom.

Remember, at 18 THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT, whether or not its in your house. So if you really want to help them, pay more attention to just how bad it would be, if they had sex, or whatever it is they’re wanting to do. You cannot change who they are, but you can assist them to keep it legal, and safe. At least under YOUR roof, you can be assured of that..if they move OUT..you have NO CONTROL, and under that scenario, probably NO COMMUNICATION as well. Give that some thought.

I’m a senior in college and live at home during summer vacation. Since I was 17, I’ve had my boyfriend(s) sleep over. I respect my parents and they know that I wouldn’t bring anyone home that I wasn’t serious about, or that I wasn’t already sleeping with. I’m sorry to say it, but your daughter is having sex. I understand that it makes you uncomfortable, and if it’s a source of tension, then give the OK for them to spend the night at HIS house if you don’t want it to happen under your roof (which is completely reasonable). They’re just trying to be honest with you. They’re probably having sex in other places-car, work, whereever, so you should make sure your daughter knows how to protect herself from STDs and pregnancy. At this point, they actually just want to Sleep in each others arms, which is more romantic than anything. They’ve been dating for 2 years, which is an eternity in teen-time, so I’m sure they care about each other very much. Good luck getting through it Mom, your little girl is all grown up!

the girls already snuk out and dun it so waaaaaa if she gets pregnet its her fault for not being safe

“(and anyone that is 17 etc. and claims it’s love is so kidding themself,and is not fully mature.. “

I’m 17 now, and I read most of these comments on here, until I read this one I pretty much understood everyones opinion. I have to say i’m 17 and I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and I am completely in love. I am mature, and I do understand what this world is about and you don’t have a right to say we don’t know what it is because we are a bit younger. My boyfriend and I are going to be engaged to be married after we graduate. I am not allowed to stay over at his house, and he isn’t allowed to stay at mine either, but that is more because of my Dad then my Mom, and those rules only came up once, because I have respect for my parents and woudn’t ask again. My Mom did say I was allowed to go on a cruise next year when i’m 18 though so we will be allowed to stay together. I am pretty sure that his Mom knows we have sex, she knows theres condoms in his room, and i’m sure she thinks its better to have condoms then no condoms, we are very smart about it.

Heather.

Even if we can’t practice what we preach, we should preach: do as i say, not as i do and continue to push the values of sex before marriage as being wrong. Sex is a big commitment and should be indulged in within the confines of a good, stable and very preferably, married state. Indulging your child in sex at home is lowering your standards and not giving him/her principles to live by and undermining their respect for you. They will be better off for following this.

..ok..wow..I’m 15 and i think that you just need to “let go” i mean wow shes 18..trust me shes probably already had sex with him anyway..And FYI you can go to a boyfriends house and NOT have sex.

This is NOT about sex, this is about respect. Respecting your parents and especially the BOY respecting the parents. Sex is so rampant these days, everyone seems to forget it is not the only part of relationships.

If the boy, he hasn’t earned man, doesn’t respect the parents or girl, he will press for her to sleep over. Gets all the benefits without having to do much. Young ladies need to draw the line and demand respect for themselves first and foremost and their families.

I believe you will have many failed relationships this way, so your parents are protecting you by saying NO, you shouldn’t be that EASY!

My Husband’s daughter who just urned 17 has bee sleeping over at her boyfrineds house for tow years. Her Mother has sole physical & Legal custody. We do not approve of this and feel it is not in the daughters best interest to stay the night weeksa at a time wih her boyfriend. She couldn’t stand it that she did not know his every move while we took her and her siste camping for 2 days. She got so upset when she could not get service on her phone on the way back to talk to him. We felt very unappreciated and disrespected. What can we do?

i dont think it has any thing to do with my respect. Many of the teens say if theyw ant to do it theyw ill find a way in a car or somewhere else. Why should they have to be that degrading about sex. Maybe she cannot afoord to move out and maybe she will help out more often if she gets these rights, and at least you can keep a handle on things if they are doing it at your home. Night day it doesnt mattter if they are asleep or awake they can still do it. If the sex is in thier home them the girl has more control of respect from her boyfriend. It doesnt have to be every nite but at least it is special in their own home. Like some of the writers said you cannot stop this and watch them every minute why are we making sex dirty? Its part of a relationship and theriu can be rules attached to that. They can learn alot of it not attached to the fact t hat they waited thill they were older and HAD to live with some one in order to have sex and then what kind of rules do the boyfrind have for her if she does live with him? Does it mean she does all the work in the apoartment and HAS TO have sex with HIm? SEX is a learnign process all in itself and while are we so focused on jusrt the sex in the relationship? SHouldnt there be other important parts of a relationship then just sex? WHY DO we HAVE to wait before we are married to have sex? Obviously we have religious beliefs that are the reason, but there are also other reasons to bypass those reasons. I do not know many teens these days that do not have sex because of their religious reasons. If it is why are they the ones sneaking around at places or doing at their house when their parents are out or at work. We are just teaching our kids that they need to be more sneaky or that they can do it but just dont tell us a bout it. That seems so hypocritical. (the writer who said do it in a car some where..how awful and cheap). And what happens if they are living together one day and over 18 can they then stay over and have sex or do we once again say it is dirty. We are not going to control the actions of our kids 100% of the time, and by no means am i saying theys hould have sex with just any one but they have been seeing each other for a period of time and get along whya re we teaching our teens that sex is bad and wrong?

My situation is different. I am 19 years old. I have my own apartment, a full time job, and I’m a full time student (2nd year). I pay for my own rent, electric, water, car payment, credit card bills, gas, and food. All my parents pay for is my car insurance and my phone/interent air card bill. About 3 months ago I got into a relationship with a guy I work with. What is complicated is that my dad and I used to work at the same place alongside with my boyfriend, and my dad stays at my apartment because my family home base is about 2 hours away from our work place. He is still staying with me now that he has another job because its easier and costs less for him travel wise. Now that I am in the relationship he does not like that I stay the night at my boyfriends house (he lives with his dad and dad’s gf). Just recently he has been putting his foot down about “How serious is this?” He does NOT like the fact that we stay the night together. I have confronted him about the fact that I am 19 years old, I do support myself for the most part and I deserve the respect of making my own decisions. I do everything for him (ie. take his clothes to the cleaner, bring him lunch, anything he asks) Yet he feels the need to put a guilt trip on me anytime I want to stay with my boyfriend or go out with him or when he thinks we are seeing eachother too much. I feel that I am supporting myself, I am a responsible adult, and I have the right to make my own decisions. Mine and my bf’s first date was my DAD’s idea! He went from liking the guy and thinking his is intelligent and driven to completely hating him and thinking he is not good for me. He also thinks that my bf is going nowhere in life, but hello! they worked at the same place. My dad was above him, but they were in different departments. So, I feel I am completely within my right to stay the night with my boyfriend whether at his house or my apartment. I just needed to vent because sometimes I feel like my parents rely on me for their success whether its being put in the middle in an argument or needing money or a car. I am the oldest child and only girl, so I can see where it is hard to let go of your only little girl, but I am 19 and I want to be free to make my own decisions without any guilt trips from my father or mother. My bf respects me in what I say and do, so I don’t see what is so wrong with it. I’m a legal adult right? My dad feels that I’m not fully raised until I’m 21 or 22. Crazy, I know.

I am 19 years old and began seeing my boyfriend in July. Sometime near the end of August I began staying the night with him, though my parents didn’t know, and he live 55 miles away from me. I stay there just about every night. Just recently my parents found out about it and they are pretty upset. I’m confused though, by everyone’s general reaction to a boy and a girl staying the night with each other. We’ve been staying with each other since July and haven’t had sex yet. We’ve talked about it, and of course we want to but we realize that when the time is right that is when it will happen. I also realize this may be hard to believe for a lot of people, but it is true. I’m not a virgin and neither is he, being 24.

Everyone has their own beliefs, and I’m not one to push my ideas onto others or have ideas pushed onto me. I only believe what I believe. I just can’t understand why parents get so bent out of shape about the sex topic. They were our age once, and they know how we feel. I believe that when you are young you imagine things, and when you’re an adult you pretend. Parents need to stop pretending their kids aren’t doing these things. Stop lying to yourself and realize that you can not control your child. You can only hope that they are a mature, young adult with all of the right tools (provided by you) to make the right decisions based on their beliefs, morals and needs.

Sex isn’t wrong if you are in a monogamous relationship with a person you care about. A relationship is talking, holding hands, kissing, group dating, traveling and yes…even having sex.

Religion isn’t for everyone, so assuming that your child will wait until marriage is very naive.

Life is a journey and a learning experience. I’m not going to live my life the way someone else expects me to. I want to make my own decision and be held accountable for them. I love my parents more than anything, and my intentions by staying with my boyfriend were not to rebel against their rules, or to hurt them. I just simply feel that as a young woman it is my right to have a say in my relationships and sex life, and what I can and cannot do. It is my body, my mind and my life.

Maybe the issue here shouldn’t be all about SEX SEX SEX. Maybe it’s really about the parent questioning whether they raised their child well, and if the child end up pregnant then they will blame themselves.

It’s your child’s life. If they have snuck out and are sleeping over with their boyfriend already there is nothing that you can do to stop that. Trust me. I have been doing things like that since I was 13. Now I am a mature young woman who is responsible with a job, going to college and that has dreams. Letting myself not be held back by my parents but also going out into the world knowing what they had taught me has made me a very smart person. I am very luck that I have gotten to experience things for myself. So do your child that favor, give her the tools she needs and set her free to live her life they way she wants. She will thank you when she gets older.

Butterflies in your stomch are strong when you are knowing this person. You have not kiss her yet, or even hug her but you know the connection or chemestry is there;strong and latent. well, in the majority of cases ,this great illussions and butterfly’s desappear when sex happens and we become like a hunter; staring to deer head stuck on the wall while saying: well , i did it so it is time to move on to the next trophy lets go git it;so 18 years old does not give the right to fornicate at home or out but if it happens , it will probably be heartache mostly for the pray;your girl. GOD is the only capable power to reject this proposals but if you accept the gift of strength from him, and you have the capacity of understanding and assimilating GOD’S teachings

All of you thinking you can sit here and act like your such adults. U women saying u dont want your children spending the night at guys houses or vice versa….. You did it yourself when you were that age. Hypocrites.

I didn’t read everything posted since it pretty much was one way or the other.

My experience:
I was 16 when I started to sleep over/had boyfriends sleep over. I could have been smarter about the whole situation, but I was independent at this age (with out anyone to show me the right or wrong way to do things. I had to figure it out myself) since my Father had separated from his wife. I didn’t ask to have people over or to go places. I did what I wanted, how I wanted without any condemnation that I was doing something wrong, however my father never prohibited me from these sleep overs or anything. If I wanted to be grounded, I grounded myself (yes I have done that).

His view, I know many will disagree with, but he felt I was responsible enough to make my own choices (I was taught right from wrong since I was a child) and he was also trying to be a friend instead of a father due to our past. When I first moved in with him was the first time some one gave me choices for many things instead of telling me what i believed and how to act. I don’t suggest this approach, but while i was in high school I was responsible for my education and my needs (cloths food getting myself to school and work, in other words, managing my life)

I was gone most of the time so i didn’t have “chores”. I worked a part time job until I could have a full time job legally. I passed all 4 years of high school while having a full time job and by the end of 11th grade I had an apartment and a car. I also partied three to 4 nights week and managed all of these ( I maintained the same job through high school). I earned most of this by my actions, and had help with down payments and co signing from friends of the family and such.

I am 26, and am still independent, working a full time job, living with my boyfriend of three years and still do not have a child. I have done 3 years of college and am still working toward my goals in life.

Point being, the longer you procrastinate with teaching responsibility, the longer she will be immature and wont be able to weigh decisions and understand the concept of give and take/checks and balances. Have her earn the right to sleep over, but don’t force her to stay a child, because she is not a child anymore.

At the age 14 I realized that there were consequences for my actions/decisions. Good, bad and neither. I understood that no matter who was “teaching” me the “right” choices that there are many variables of right or wrong. I understood that I and only myself am ultimately responsible for my actions, no matter my upbringing (In and out of foster care from age 4 to 14 until I moved in with my father at age 14).

Teaching a child to be an adult starts much earlier in life, not at 18. The goal to to have the kid ready to be out of the house by 18 so they can contribute to society in a mature manner instead of expecting someone to hold their hand each step of the way.