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Bonny Albo

Reader Question: I'm Jealous Of Her Guy Friends

By April 18, 2009

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A reader asks: "I have been seeing my current girlfriend for about 6 months, and everything is going great except for one big issue: guy friends. She keeps in touch with a lot of her ex-boyfriends, hook-ups, and guy friends who have feelings for her. One of them in particular who she dated right before we met, makes passes at her and sends her flirtatious text messages. A couple of them openly admit they're in love with her. We've gotten in several big fights about it, and whenever we do, she insists that I'm the only one she loves and wants to be with. She says they're only guy friends and that I'm being overly jealous. She also brings them up a lot in conversation. It's gotten to the point that I get paranoid that's she's cheating on me and messaging these guys, etc. I don't know what to do because otherwise I'm crazy about her. Do I break up what might be a great relationship over some jealousy issues? Do I try to ignore the problem? Do I ask her to break off her friendships?"

What say you, readers?

Comments
April 18, 2009 at 2:45 am
(1) Tom Head says:

My advice:

1. Listen to Sting’s “If You Love Somebody (Set Them Free).”

2. Let the guys get to know you better so you’re less scared of them and they’re less scared of you.

The jealousy is not attractive and while she could break things off with them, she’d resent you for it later. Besides, if she’s the sort of person who would sleep around on you, having or not having male friends isn’t going to change that.

What bugs me is the messaging thing…I mean, you say it bothers you that she might be messaging these guys–what the heck is wrong with messaging her friends? Isn’t that pretty normal?

April 19, 2009 at 1:41 am
(2) Trevor Hohenthaner says:

I’m going through the same thing. She keeps in constant contact with all of her previous flames and one of them even shows up at parties unannounced. I swear, the first time when he WAS invited, whenever I’d search the house for her, I’d find her alone with this guy! AND to top it off, he’s got that body language that says “I’ve got an agenda. I’m gonna make her mine once again.”

What I did that not only stopped my jealousy issues, but reaffirmed our already strong love and trust for each other was simple: just talk about it, but one time and one time only. More than once and it starts turning on the relationship. It tells her that you DON’T trust her and that you’re actually pretty insecure.

I must say though, since you’ve talked about it before and have gotten into some pretty heated arguments, your best bet is to apologize, reaffirm trust, and stop the pointless paranoia.

One last thought: If she’s getting hit on by multiple men but refuses to be with anyone else but you, she loves you AND ONLY YOU. As a matter of fact, should one of these men actually cross a line, she’ll be defending her relationship with you faster than Cupid’s arrow flies.

April 20, 2009 at 7:03 am
(3) JT says:

I think phone calls are fine and even texting but when the guys are around you both (like at the party) she should show some respect for your feelings and stay close by your side and visit with them.

April 20, 2009 at 1:00 pm
(4) AJ says:

Despite her insisting that you’re the only one, it’s quite obvious that you’re not. She still hangs out with an ex boyfriend that makes passes at her? Entirely inappropriate. There’s a difference between “guy friends” and “ex boyfriends/lovers”. I’m not saying she has to cut all ties just cause you said so, but if she had respect for you she’d limit her contact with them to something more appropriate. I’m guessing she’d be no less jealous if you were hanging out with a bunch of ex girlfriends.

April 20, 2009 at 3:39 pm
(5) imthatgurl says:

i really dont think you have to worry. i am that girl. ive been with m boyfriend for a while now and i only have guy friends. he was pretty jealous at first because I was talking about my friends alot to him. At a certain point it got to be too much for him and he wanted to end it. I was devistated. Honestly the best thing you can do is ask to go along on some of their hang outs and determine how uncofortable you feel then. My boyfriend did the same and he found that my friends treated me like one of the guys. ei: checking out other girls in m presence, sexist remarks, farting ext…needless to say it really reassured him. Maybe you can try to do the same?? GOOD LUCK

April 21, 2009 at 7:56 am
(6) Love and Romance says:

If you are in love and she is also with you. then no problem, you have to talk your girlfriend openly with this issue with cool manner. I think if she really loves you, she will restrict the relation with that guy.

December 9, 2009 at 7:54 am
(7) YehBoiiiii22 says:

That sounds messed up to me, she should avoid those guys that she knows has feelings for her because you are her man now, not them. If she’s got a problem with that, then she’s not worth the trouble, find somebody who will respect you and treat you like her man and not disrespect you by flirting with past lovers, or whatever. By 6 months assuming that your relationship is serious, she should know by now that you are more important to her than the rest of those guys. I think you should let her know how it makes you feel, and lay down some rules that the both of you can follow. Where are you guys at now? Still together? What did you decide to do and how did it turn out?

January 17, 2010 at 9:54 pm
(8) Cody says:

honestly, this is hard…. i dont like it anymore than the next guy who found an awesome gal… only to find out that shes got this past still sticking around. Im glad to see that im not the only one.

My advice is to talk about it. Heated and heavy, be passionate about your relationship and dull about the details of her friendship. Knowing whether or not they slept together helped me cause that is something that I hold dear to my relationships. The thought of her being pleasured by some guy that she still keeps in touch with as a “friend” makes me sick. I hate the guys that dont let go but i resent the females that think that they need that “friend” relationship. MAKE NEW FRIENDS. Past relationships shouldnt have to be discussed in your new one. I hate telling my girl that i dont like this or that when it comes to her friends but sometimes you have to put your foot down, and tell her what you think.

Im still fighting the battle. You can too… I still havent met her ex-dater guy friend. but i dont need him in our life all the same.

Good LUCK

January 23, 2010 at 8:13 am
(9) Inloved Girl says:

I feel I am that Girl. I am an International Studen in United States, and I have a very deep problem. I met Peter while I was girlfriend with David. (To summup my relationship with David; we had a 3 months relationship, were we never had sex, the reason I was with him was because I spent a lot of my time with him, he helped me in difficult times since I am without My Family in this country, he was very nice and good friend, and we decided to go into a “boyfriend and girlfriend” relationship, in which I never felt a romantic connection… ). After 2 months, I met Peter and we started dating while I was in my relationship with David, “it was my biggest mistake”. By now I know I should have broke up with David before start dating Peter. I really liked Peter but I was afraid that his intentions were just a game, he seem to be that kind of guy. However, after one month of dating Peter I totally fell inloved with him, and I decided to broke up with my ex because I was 100% sure that I felt a lot for Peter. I told the true to Peter and he gave me time to finish My ex-relationship to be able to be together. Today 7 months later, I still totally In loved with Peter, and I keep connection with My Exboyfriend. Peter is an EXTREMELY jelaous guy, and he does not seem normal that I still talking to My ex. I Love Peter, i want to be with him, but I feel he wants to control, My time, My friends, and everything in My life. We both have strong character, and we have had fights for the same reason… ” me talking to My ex”. I have explained Peter what David means to me, and I dont find it fair with David to cut his friendship, after all the support I had received from him. I Love Peter, and he is the man I want to be with. I didn’t mention I moved in with Peter, we were living together, i was the happiest person ever. Last week I told Peter I wad going to meet My friend David to talk, he got very angry, and when I got Home, we got into a fight because he asked me to leave his house, and told me he wad falling out Love for me. He said he had Never open his heart to me. I am in pain. I may deseve it. I dont think I am a bad person. I left Next morning, and we ar going to meet NeXT week to talk. I dint want to leave him, but it is obvious that he dumped me. I am in a difficult situation. No that he dumped me, i realize how lonely I am. I have few people to count on, and I dont want to bother them with My problems. I have been sleeping in different house, and I have all My things in My car. Yhe only I want is to br back woth him, bur he is very angry. David is not a threat for our relationship, but he does not understand that. I Love him, but I cant take people out of My life when I know they have been in My life in the worst moments of it. Can somebody tell me an advice. Thanks.

February 18, 2012 at 1:03 pm
(10) Amy says:

My boyfriend is really jealous and for that reason I don’t talk to any ex’s or guys who have feelings for me, but I have one guy friend who has been my friend for about 15 years he was my neighbor and because I’ve known him so long I feel like he’s my brother. I’m pretty sure that’s how he feels towards me and there is no flirting, it’s just all friend stuff. He could be a girl or gay for all I care, it would be the same. If he did ever show feelings towards me I would stop talking to him, that would just be too weird because he would have an agenda. But my bf is so mad about it, it’s making me miserable. I want to help him or make him feel better about it, but he doesn’t believe whatever I say, even though I’ve always been honest and faithful, because he was hurt in the past by his ex. I need friends in my life, and have trouble finding good friends I can trust. I don’t live by my family anymore so I have no one for the most part but him. How do I help him feel better?

July 6, 2012 at 11:36 am
(11) PEDRO says:

If you tell her it bothers you and she keeps doing it, here is a sure fire way to make her understand how you feel. Show her how it feels by doing the same thing. Start talking to and hanging out with one of your old gf’s, or even just a griend who’s a girl or find a girl friend, not girlfriend and become friends with her and make sure your girlfriend knows about it. You hate to resort to things like this, but I promise you she will be so jealous and want you to stop, and she will finally understand how you feel. Then talk about it and work it out. I guarantee you she will change her ways.

October 6, 2012 at 2:47 am
(12) 35yo male says:

This is a display of poor boundaries from both parties. The girl’s actions demonstrate a lack of respect and care for her partner and that she is not committed to her relationship and is essentially available. The ‘man’ (?) has reinforced this behaviour by allowing it to continue.

Recommendation:
Cut her loose. Learn from your mistakes. Improve own boundaries.

February 28, 2014 at 5:10 pm
(13) Michael Frieo says:

Personally, I would tell her to pick either you or her ex-boyfriends. Their is no possible ways to constantly chat online or on the phone that they would not flirt with her or try to sleep with her. They said they have feelings for her so that should signal to you that the main reason they are talking to her is to try to get with her and that at some point in their chats they are flirting with her and sending love messages to her. Girl friends talking to ex boyfriend is a huge hell no in a relationship. if they were just regular friends who are not ex-boyfriends than maybe she would have a point that she is not cheating. Their is not reason for her to be talking with ex-boyfriends constantly without her regaining love emotions for them or them doing so like wise.

If she is really is constantly sending messages to them its means she is looking for one of them to take her back or she is cheating. Why else would you send messages to your ex-boyfriends. Wouldn’t she be sending messages out to other male friends. Well you need to figure this out .

April 26, 2014 at 4:56 am
(14) dude says:

My problem is that she hangs out with these guys anx then its like she intentionally brags about it and the things they say to her to me just to make me feel jealous…I mean im even starting to feel like she hangs out with them to keep her options open…I mean she even wanted to leave me coz I had some female friends and still gets jealous when Im at a party where there are other girls…soI started to limit my interactions with other girls for the sake of our relationship. ..but when she does exactly the same thing then she says it makes her feel like I dont trust her when I say I dont lkke it…what should I do please help

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