Reader Question - How Do I Not Get Serious After Separation?
Chris asks: I am newly separated after a 19 year marriage, and have started going out with a gal whom I have a great time with. She is funny, bright, outgoing, the works. My dilemma is that I don't want to get serious with this girl. I don't have any feelings for her but I think she is the sweetest person around. How do I draw the line about spending too much time with her because I'm not ready to get serious?
My answer: Dating after separation or divorce is hard, even harder than dating after divorce in my opinion. Why? Because when you're still separated you're still working through your marriage; difficult to do even under the best of circumstances. I advise most folks in your situation to take a serious review of their reasons for dating, and whether or not they are ready to date again.
But my point is somewhat moot as you've already started dating. Dating a woman who, in your own words, is fantastic but not for you. So then why are you dating her? Why not just be friends?
My guess is that your dating relationship with this woman easy, comfortable, and it helps with some of the loneliness you're feeling after separation. Understandable, considering.
At the same time, you can't just think about your own needs here, and you have to realize this because you're already asking the question: how do you make this relationship into something that you need, rather than what she wants? How do you ensure she doesn't get attached, because you aren't and likely won't?
To me, the answer seems simple. If you don't want to get serious with this woman, don't. Let her know where you're at and how you feel, but that if she's wanting something more you won't be able to provide it to her. The honorable thing to do - especially if she's as wonderful as you say she is - is to let her go, so she can find someone who can give her the kind of relationship she wants. Now, if she wants what you have to offer - no feelings whatsoever but a 'good time' - great. But I'll hazard she's wanting something more or you wouldn't be asking the question.
But what do you think, readers? Do you agree with me, or do you think Chris should try a completely different tactic? Have you been in a similar situation? What did you do?
Related: Dating After Divorce
Comments
Hi Bonny,
I think what you say is pretty much spot on in regards to Chris.
Dating can be hard for some at the best of times. Chris, I can only imagine after 19 years that this would seem even ‘tougher’ in your eyes.
Chris makes the statement ’she is funny, bright, outgoing, the works.’ Well Chris, it sounds like you think pretty highly of the girl anyway – maybe you just find her great company like Bonny says. This is perfectly normal after 19 years of Marriage
For me, honesty is always the best approach in this case. Get it all out in the open from the start and then both of you know where you stand. You will feel much better for it in the long run.
Kieran
I completely agree. If you don’t let her know how you feel you also may lead her on unintentionally, she may feel for you and expect to progress in the relationship while you are not expecting to progress at all.
It can turn into a real mess later on if nothing is said now… It is so hard to break that kind of news after they have already fallen for you.
In my honest opinion, I respect your ability to even date someone after a 19 year marriage, if I ever lost my wife to anything I would never be able to date again. Not because of sadness or self pity, but simply just because no other girl is her. And I fell in love with her. I would never be able to take my heart back from her to give to someone else, ever.
-Trent
Be upfront. For me, when a man is honest, I admire him, because I can be honest too. One of me best friends told me he wanted nothing more than friendship and while I found him attractive, we changed the terms of our friendship. I met someone else and he is still a friend with both of us. And make sure you mean what you say. Another man told me he simply wanted friendship and got jealous when I saw others. He was confused.
To not be direct would be to lead her on. Take it from me. I just went through the same thing with a boyfriend. I just wanted a friend and he wanted much more. Instead of being direct I danced around the subject for fear of hurting his feelings. All this did was give him hope that I wanted more. In the end, I finally had to be honest with him. I would have saved him much heart ache if I had been honest early on. By trying to spare his feelings, I was actually being cruel. I was hoping he would take a hint, but I was just being a coward. She will appreciate rigorous honesty….. Good luck!!!
Be sure to be honest about your feelings towards her, buy hey, allow yourself to have a good time, don’t make it more complicated than necessary.
While I know that life after divorce can be an emotional roller coaster, the fact that you’ve ventured out into the dating world means that you want something, whether that’s companionship, friendship or more and you’re willing to go after it. So make sure you really know what you want, then speak to your friend about your feelings and see if she wants to fit in with what you have to offer right now. That establishes communication, a good thing to have in ANY relationship, and keeps her in the loop with you without any strings attached.
This is a very nice article indeed. Thank you. It made me realize many things about my current relationship.
Be honest with her. Let her know what and how you feel. I, too, am divorced, am very picky I guess, dating, but not really. I dated a man, and got from him he wanted to be friends. What a relief to me. He is a great person, very caring, but that was it. We are still friends, and I am glad. I like and respect him and am glad for his friendship. That seems to meet both of our needs of each other.