Facebooking The Ex
A friend of mine asked me the other day if it was 'normal' for ex's to request my friendship over at Facebook. As in, did I have any ex's on Facebook, and how did I feel when they befriended me?
Interesting question, as I see this coming up in dating chats more often than even a year ago. It also was timely for me personally, as I also had an ex add me to Facebook recently - one that gave me pause, as we hadn't dated (or spoken) in over 15 years.
So why would an ex add you to Facebook? Depending on the length of time its been since you've broken up, it might be innocuous: maybe they found you through a mutual friend and were curious to see how you're doing. Or, they could be wistful about the past hoping maybe you'll reconnect, similarly to why many folks attend reunions. There also might be an apology in the works or an attempt to gain some closure. But like many of us (my friend included) the fear is that the ex is either trying to keep dibs or employing some sort of online stalkerish-type behavior. In my case the ex was wanting to make amends, but my friend is still pondering the intelligence of adding his ex to his friends list.
In a world where most people can easily find each other online with some basic information, its not a stretch to think that a select few will abuse technology in this fashion. Just like Googling your date is the norm now in certain age brackets, connecting with people from your past via social networking sites is also standard fare.
I suggested to my friend that he review the former Teen Advice Guide's article about Staying Safe on Facebook, as my friends' current Facebook profile is wide open for all to view. Perhaps a bit too much information, considering. Yet at the same time, why be paranoid about someone you've dated? That was the stance I took, and readily accepted my former date into my circle of Facebook friends. But I didn't give him full access to my profile; that was my caveat.
How about you? Would you befriend an ex on Facebook? Why or why not? And if an ex tried to add you to their friends list, would you allow the connection?
Comments
I say add them. if they ask too many “hot topic” questions or they act like a douche, you can always delete them as friends.
One tip that I could recommend to people is not only facebook your potential dates, but see if their usernames come up on other sites as well. Recently I found an interesting person on Match, and checked a few other sites and sure enough they had a profile on http://www.itTakes2.com as well. Weirdly enough, he was single on one site and MARRIED on the other! Definetely a red flag!
If you broke up with him with a line like, “Let’s just be friends”…what’s the problem?? Do you mean to tell me that that line might be a fib? [GASP]
really, it depends on if we’re friends outside of facebook or not. shocking, I know, but-some exs I am friends with on facebook and in life, some, not so much. depends, like everything, on the people involved.
It’s human nature to want to communicate, and to just be curious, especially with past acquaintances! Communication is the key to life. Love, understanding, and especially closure, takes lots of communication. I believe it’s a dis-service and an indicator of a personal problem to refuse communication with someone, without a very good reason (ex. they were abusive towards you)
You can always block/remove them later if you need to.
If he/she truely were an online stalker, he/she would find a way to view your profile anyway, or another way of stalking you.
i added one of my ex’s on facebook after he requested my friendship. it took me a while to decide if i should but curiosity got the better of me. it wasnt a nice break up either, even know it was years ago. so it will be interesting to see what his intentions are,can only wait and see…..closure would be good
ps his entire facebook consists of happy snaps with him and his girlfriend,lol
Wonderful comments by all! But no mention of Ex-spouses. I have one of those and probably would not add him as a friend unless there is a pleasant explanation for the request. We have a 25 year history and raised a child together, so we were friends, but there was quite a bit of hurt (happened over 3 years ago) and though we have hashed that one to the end, there is nothing but our grown child left to talk about. I think of him often and each time the thought ends with, “Yikes, what am I doing?” I hope he isn’t wasting his time like that.
Thanks for this opportunity, God Bless
The ex is a former spouse of 15 years. We are still friendly with each other, in person. It may be unusual, but why fight/ be angry? Who does that really hurt, you or the ex?