Reader Question - She Can't Stop Lying. What Do I Do?
Tuesday June 23, 2009
Fred asks: I'm 32, and I've been dating the same woman for the past two years. I love her, I think she's incredible, but I'm just learning now she's a pathological liar. For instance? She has a twelve-year-old daughter, but I've never heard of the child until recently. She's also told me she was raped, but that turned out to be a lie too. I really do care for this woman, but I'm confused and don't know what to do. Help?
So dear readers, do you have any suggestions for this gentleman who is torn between the truth and his partnership?
Comments
Dump her now, that is the only answer
Lying should be treated with therapy or counseling. If she refuses to go to therapy, then go on your own. It will help you learn how to handle her, because you can’t change him, the only person you can change is yourself and how you react to her lying or what you can do when she does it.
All liars should be treated with the contempt they deserve! Like any addictive behavior getting someone to admit they have a problem with lying is the difficult part as you have found out!
Fred, I have to agree with “online dating”. Let her know how you feel and give her the opportunity to seek therapy Let’s face it, no one trusts a liar. Trust is an absolute necessity for a healthy relationship. Since you love and care for her do everything you can to help her get better. Seek advice and read on the topic of pathological lying so that you can effectively exhaust all avenues to help her and save your relationship. If she doesn’t begin the path to recovery I suggest you take the your losses and move on with your life without her.
My ex was like this but unfortunately I did not find out till after we were married. I lived with his lies for 6 yrs never knowing if what he said was true hoping that he would change. That never happened instead I changed and realized that I deserved better. All I can say is this is not something that is going to go away and when people are like this it is because they use their lies to manipulate and control the people around them. This is not someone you want to be in a relationship with and if I was you I would get out as fast as you can. You need to be with someone who’s honest, caring and confidant not someone who is a liar, deceiver and manipulator.
I agree with the comment above…dump her and dump her fast. The problem is that you understand this on a logical level (your mind: she lies and I know she’s not good for me) but you don’t feel it on an emotional level.
This is part of an article I wrote on how to get over an ex that will help you feel it on an emotional level. When that happens letting go and moving on will be easy (well, easier).
“The biggest way to get over an ex is by falling out of love with that person. A person falls out of love when there are too many negative experiences and mistakes made by the other person. A mistake can be forgiven but when they are too great in numbers and in a short period of time love and attraction will fade very quickly.
Unfortunately many times after a relationship ends we tend to get tunnel vision and only see the good times we had ignoring why the relationship ended in the first place. We create this fairy tale fantasy that gets exaggerated over time. This image is quite difficult to let go of.
Getting over an ex might take weeks or months. These exercises are designed to help speed up the process.
1. Think of your ex that you no longer wish to be in love with
2. Make a movie of all the good and happy times you spent with that person. Enter those memories and experience them as if they are happening right now. Take those memories and make the image very small and off into the distance. Then imagine them running backwards from the last good memory you had to the first time you met them.
3. Now imagine all the bad times you had with them (write them down if you need to). Remember all the negatives feelings you had and feel it as if it was happening now. Step into those memories see it through your eyes. Remember all the anger, disgust, disappointment you felt for them and how it felt being around them.
4. Take all of those memories and play them back to back as if you were watching a movie. Repeat this step over and over until you get sick of them.
5. Imagine a future where you are free of them and happy to move on with your life”
Fred,
I have to agree with the first two responses. I have a brother who is in his mid 40’s and lies to no end. He will even lie over a lie to cover up a lie. Sorry but no amount of counseling will cure this behavior, even if they do admit it to themselves. My brother knows he lies, but has convinced himself that he’s gotten better over the years. The problem is that he has only gotten worse and because of his lies it has ruined the brother/sister relationship we had. He has gone so far as to make up complete lies and even elaborate on other peoples lives like it’s his own. You don’t want to waste your time with the relationship when as far as you know it was based on a lie to begin with. Is that love? My brother and I no longer speak to each other because I finally got tired of this behavior and called him out on it and he went balistic on me, even threatening me with a gun and stating he would like to blow my face off. It’s really a shame that his life has evolved into such a lonely one even though he has a girlfriend she has bought into the lies and doesn’t really see him for who he is. With that said move on, find someone who deserves a good man like you. By the way I believe people lie because they need to feel better about themselves and don’t see that there really is someone good inside them. I wish you the best!
just try to take her to a counsler
I have experience from a 4 year long relationship with a woman who lied about big and small things. She began her lying carrier with me with not telling that she has been married and had a kid from previous marriage. Not until half year later after moving into my place, she told me about the kid that subsequently moved i aswell. This lady was a bunny boiler, I and I regret SO much that I did not broke the relationship in its infancy. I thought it would hurt – but it did hurt even more later…
Hey… Liars are addicts that keep their habit as long as it works… you only have control over your thoughts and behaviors.
STOP enabling her. You deserve better! You can NOT fix her. Care more about honor and truth.
You will continue to be lied too… DUMP the LIAR!
Everyone here seemed to have a very narrowed view point on people who lie. There wasn’t one empathetic comment on the subject. Sometimes liars, have fears so bad that they truly are at a loss, they know its wrong to lie, which makes them feel worse. They do need help, and sometimes, they wan to get caught because they want help.
Fred,
Your submission is brief, and I have some questions around your 2 year stint.
How much time have you spent together?
How soon, if, did you start having sexual encounters?
What is so teriffic about her?
What do your conversations usually include, personal information, etc.?
People lie for many reasons. Sometimes people don’t think others will like us for who we are if we don’t seem interesting enough. So we make things up.
How has the conversation gone when you are aware thier is something hidden, or untruthful that is revealed, and she is aware you know?
If you truly love this woman, you’ll accept her for who she is, not try to change and fix her (that does not mean being untruthful is okay).
Rather, ask her at a time apart from the questionable conversation what she meant when she said what you don’t believe. Ask clarifying questions, and leave your judgements out, in fact remove all personal reference from the conversation. Here’s what I mean (via example): The situation – your girlfriend received a call from another guy who likes her, and you were there, and she took the call, instead of saying she would have to reschedule or take the call later.
One way to respond (which usually occurs for most men):
Guy: “Who the hell was that?!”
Girl:”What do you mean?”
Guy: “You know damn well what I mean!”
Girl: “Oh, he is just a friend from work.”
Guy: “You expect me to believe that?!”
Girl: “If you’re going to get all upset about a phone call then you better grow up.”
Guy: “I’ll show you grown up B&##$!!!”
and you leave and slam the door.
Or there is a way to handle it (the way it needs to be handled for now)…
Guy: “Important call?”
Girl: “No. Just a guy from work.”
Guy: “Is everyhting okay?”
Girl: “Yeah, he just wnated to know about the meeting on Monday. He has to prepare a report for the staff meeting, and he had a question about his part of the report. He also kinda has a crush on me.”
Guy: “Crush?!”
Girl: “Yeah, don’t worry silly, I am all into you, and he doesn’t know I have a boyfriend yet.”
Guy: “Oh. Are you going to tell him?”
Girl: “A little jealous are we?”
Guy: ” No it’s not that. Oh okay, it’a all that.”
Girl: “Don’t you worry – he likes me. It’s not the other way around.”
Guy: “Okay. Thanks for being honest. Would you tell me if you did find someone you think you like better than me?”
Girl: “Of course, silly.”
Remember that listening involves more than just winking and acknowledging. Think about her repsonses, and then ask questions where you don’t understand. When the time becomes appropriate, bring up where you have questions, and keep talking until you reach understanding.
If necessary, bring counseling for both of you together, up and don’t give up. Stick with her, as it will be difficult. But she is worth it.
give her one more chance tell her that if she keeps on leying 2 u ur gana leave her 4 good..well im not that right person 2 be telling u this but im a lier 2.i lie 2 my boyfriend but then i regret it just give her that last chance.
i believe that you should try and help her. if you love her as much as this post expresses you do, there is something more then just ending the relationship. quite possibly, it’s something that she can not control. so try and help her with it. however, if you keep trying and nothing works, it might be time for both of you to move on.
all relationships require trust, love, and partnership. it takes two.