Reader Question About Emotionless Love Making
A reader has a touchy question about making love with his girlfriend of seven months, and has asked me to post his question here in the hopes that one of you can shed some light on his challenging situation.
In a nutshell, he's frustrated because he feels his girlfriend is "very emotionless and unresponsive" when they are in bed together. He says: "She has never even kissed or touched me sexually in the whole time we have been together and lies there with her arms defensively clamped across her chest looking awkward and uninterested. She tells me she loves me, and I believe she does, but as hard as I have tried to improve our relationship and resolve this problem she does not seem to be willing to help herself to get over whatever it is holding her back. She has told me that there is no particular reason other than not knowing how to express herself and she feels she has made progress in the last 7 months. I try to encourage and support this but inside I am upset that this has only progressed as far as her initiating a cuddle in bed. This is not satisfying my needs that have been neglected since we have been together. I have always had a very high sex drive and thrive on passion but her lack of enthusiasm is affecting my drive, confidence and sexual attractiveness towards her. I have tried to look beyond sex and sacrifice it for the sake of us having a lot in common but this fundamental part of any relationship is causing me to start to distance myself and has led to arguments between us, doubts in my mind and suspicions in hers.
As much as I love her I have a feeling that she will never be able to offer me what I need if she doesn't start making changes and the neglect is starting to make me wonder if I should split from her before I begin to seek my needs elsewhere. I fear that separating from her may emotionally scar her further however."
My take is that Shaun's girlfriend needs to speak with a counselor about what is holding her back. Perhaps she wasn't ready to have sex (Shaun doesn't state how old the two of them are), maybe she has intimacy issues, or perhaps she's even been sexually abused. But no matter what the reason, it is impairing their relationship with one another and needs to be addressed ASAP. I'd advise Shaun to have a heart to heart with his girlfriend in a non-threatening place that isn't sexually charged (i.e. not the bedroom) about what's going on, and suggest maybe she seek some professional assistance. If he's really wanting to make things work, he might even suggest they go together.
But readers, what do you think? What advice do you have for Shaun?
Related: How To Talk To Your Partner About Sexual Concerns, What To Do About Silent Sex With Your Partner, When Your Partner Is A Survivor of Sexual Abuse.
Comments
I completely agree with you. My first thought was maybe she has been physically, mentally abused or molested as a child. Coming from someone who has been there, it was very difficult for me to initate or even have sex. I would get boyfriends but it never lasted because I just couldn’t bring myself to have sex. I blamed myself for what happened to me as a child. This went on for years until I finally got the help I needed. If Shaun truely cares for his girlfriend, he will talk to her and see how he can support her in getting the help she needs. Good luck!
I believe (along with all sensible people) that love rises above sex.
I suggest truly working on it. Therapy and the likes. Time shouldn’t be a factor. If and only if there is no change within a LONG LONG time, look elsewhere.
I suggest move along, after seven months of dating and she still won’t open up.
It is really absurd for Shaun. The experience she is getting with his girl friend is unbearable for many men and I must commend him for his patience.
I for one believe that that situation of emotionless love making can be over come with proper counseling.
I can see that the above commenters have hinted on the girls having physical or mental abuse. That may be right and therapy can help.
But my worry is that may be even Shaun does not take the effort to arouse her. I do not see him mention that any where in his question. Do they have some suffient fore play before sex? Or it is all about sex that he regards as love making. I think he needs to look at that as it takes two people to have a great sex.
If he does, them the girl needs therapy and I would not recommend that you leave her. If you truelly love her, then help her get over that and you will have the best love of your life.
Mary Janet Namuli of Marriage conseling and dating advice And the Relationship advice blog
I believe that love is stronger than sex, but we do have to realize that sex is a major part in a relationship. I think Shaun should ask his girlfriend to seek some professional help. Maybe her problem is deeper than even he knows.
Then if no progress is being made after she takes his advice that’s when he should make a decision.