The Difference Between Loving Someone And Being 'In Love'
Like many of you, I read a lot of dating blogs on a regular basis. One of my favorites is Evan Marc Katz, who some of you may be familiar with for having written Why You're Still Single. Although he's no longer single, having gotten married last year to a woman he met online, he's still dolling out excellent dating advice to his readers.
One such advice column is, "Is It Ok To Love Someone But Not Be In Love". In it, a reader asks what his girlfriend of two and a half years means when she told him she loves him but isn't 'in love' with him anymore, and how that affects their plans to buy a house together and marry within the next year. Katz's response to the reader is bang on, but that's not the reason for this blog posting today.
Rather, I want to talk about the feeling of being 'in love', and how it can blind us to a partnership of our dreams. Katz's blog posting got me thinking about this elusive but oh-so-wonderful feeling, and how we know we're in love in the first place. Also, is saying to someone that you care for them deeply, but aren't feeling that passionate oozy goodness anymore really a bad thing, or is it more an evolution of what truly loving someone is?
Its my opinion that love evolves, similar to what researchers have found when reviewing long term relationships and how feelings change throughout the lifetime of a relationship. There is the 'honeymoon' period, which can last anywhere from a couple of weeks to 18 months or so, where the 'in love' feelings are the most present. The highs are incredibly high, the lows are sometimes a bit scary, and as a whole its a pretty powerful, earth-shattering feeling. This is the stage where people act more impulsively than normal, and say things that they normally wouldn't.
Afterwards, most of us move into a more stable type of love (if the relationship can last through that crazy 'in love' process). Something more dependable, resilient, unconditional appears. Its not as heady for sure, but its the kind of love you know you can spend the rest of your life basking in, enjoying, growing old with.
For some of us, moving from the one stage to the other might feel a bit like 'falling out of love', or not being 'in love' anymore. For others, a crash not unlike a sugar high, and we crave more of that high again so we seek it out again elsewhere. Although I have yet to read any scientific proof that coincides with my feelings on this topic, but its my guess that this is why (and when) many relationships go south. To me, this is the stage where love becomes a choice, not a wave to ride, and for some of us, that wave is a bit too heady and exciting to not live with every single day of our lives. But is it realistic to think we can find that, and are we ending perfectly good, stable, loving relationships in search of it?
This is VERY true, down to the last letter…I’m 41 years old and have probably dated 50 boys, guys over the years to have been proposed to 10 times, only to have it hit that stage when the time came to marry, they weren’t “in love” with me anymore and there was usually a new female they were “in love” with that they’d been seeing at the time so yes, it’s probable.
Oh yes, let’s not forget the decades long marriage that ended because my ex got off on the “high” of becoming “in love” with his mistresses. Are there any sane men out there?
you should exclude the aggression, it’s a first thing that prevents getting into healthy relationships. it can relate to anything which makes you unsafe and/or insecure. (no job, illness, homeless, and so on). i am not a scientist, just a thing that i know.
I beleive being friends can help too. I just started dating my best friend and I have never been happier. Of course we don’t live in the same town so everytime I head back to the city I cry most of the way home and have that big lump that sits in my throat. I think of him 24/7 and worry about him. Oh I should let you know we have been friends for 18yrs and our kids grew up together. He is older then me and that bothered me a bit but now I am just glad that I have finally found what has been in front of me this whole time!
I completely agree. My ex told me this when he broke up with me not too long ago and I just remembered that my first true love said something similar a long time ago, yet he told me later on how much I mean to him and how I was the first person that he would turn to when significant event occured in his life. I guess some people just need that high and don’t appreciate the deep feelings that are between 2 people. Am I wrong to seek warmth and security? I always thought this is what love truly means.
IVE BEEN SEEING HER FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS 4 KIDS, 3 LIVES WITH HER…PROPOSED TO HER THIS YEAR…BUT SINCE THEN EVERYTHING WENT DOWN HILL FROM THEIR WHY??..I DO ALMOST EVERYTHING SHE LIKES…DOZEN ROSES EVERY 2 WEEKS..CONSISTANTLY,DRESS THE WAY SHE WANTS ME TO LOOK, TAKE CARE OF HER KIDS GAMES AND HOBBIES…BUT COME TO THINK OF IT SHE NEVER LIKE THE THING I LIKE…BUT I COME TO ACCEPT THAT…LOVE HER VERY MUCH..BUT LATELY SHE WONT GIVE ME THE TIME OF THE DAY…ALWAYS BUSY, TIRED, BUT SHE CAN MAKE TIME FOR OTHERS…LAST TIME I SAW HER WAS 3 WEEKS AGO…I KNOW SHE LOVES ME BUT LATELY I DONT THINK SHE’S NOT IN LOVE WITH ME…NEED ADVISE BECAUSE IM TIRED….
Over time your true self naturally comes to the for – when you first meet and fall in love, you are not yourself, you make an effort to impress, you make allowances, but over time you settle back into your own ways, which may clash with how things were at the start of your relationship, and things seem worse than when you first met – never forget what attracted you in the first place, it can be easy to overlook.