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Bonny Albo

Reader Question About Dating Younger Women

By August 1, 2009

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The dating younger men posts have a significant number of readers chiming in on their thoughts, so it was only a matter of time before a male reader asked about dating younger women in response. This comment was originally posted in the dating younger men blog thread, but I've moved it here because, to me, its a whole different conversation and deserves its own response.

Bryan asks: "Since this thread seems to be only women responses I would like to ask all of you for your opinions positive or negative. I am a 53 year old recently divorced man getting back in the dating game. My problem is I can easily pass for being in my late 30's. I am fit, toned and dress younger than most men in their 50's. Honestly, I don't feel much different than I did when I was 30, and younger women are attracted to me. Should I start dating younger women? What happens when they find my true age? I find myself resenting having a number placed on my back by society. I really don't know how to get older, and am confused by all this. I am attracted to younger women because I still have the vigor and attitude of a younger man. Am I an old fool? Thanks in advance."

I've got a personal take on this question, which I've answered in Dating Younger Women. But what you do think readers? Is it possible for this man to start dating younger women? Why or why not?

Comments
August 3, 2009 at 8:44 pm
(1) sindney says:

this advice was suprisingly and amazingly helpful. i have tried many sites similar to these that were nothing but crap. they talked about there realationships and it had nothing and No effect on mine.
i would like to say THANK you so much for helping me with my relaltionship!!!!!!!

August 3, 2009 at 11:18 pm
(2) Lilly says:

Regarding – Reader Question About Dating Younger Women.
I think he has a unique problem; many men and women of his same age-group want the quiet life and he sound like he still wants to live.
Women in their 30s may be difficult because they may want security and children, but that’s not true of women in their 40s – and there are tons of attractive, interesting, good women out there who would find it refreshing to meet an attractive fit intelligent man who wants more out of life than gardening!

August 4, 2009 at 10:03 pm
(3) Kay says:

Awesome advice, especially its helpful to read such blogs when developing a site. Thanks.

August 5, 2009 at 11:42 am
(4) daniela ??? says:

besides when you’re pms’ing, if they do something, big or small, and it just pisses you off to no end…and you think bad thoughts of them and really don’t care if you ever seen them again, is that love? lol, i realize that sounds funny, but here’s the second half of that question…while you’re pissed and having all those hatefull thoughts you also think “am i wrong about this? am i hurting him for no reason? are these just issues of mine and not wrongs of his?” and then you feel bad and can’t wait till they forgive you or apologize and you can be back in his arms…is that love? i swear sometimes i couldn’t care any less, almost hate, others i couldn’t care or love any more or i’d burst open..im so confused…thank you

August 6, 2009 at 6:17 pm
(5) Jen says:

I am 24 years old and my husband is 41. There is a 17 year age gap between us. He can easily pass for a man in his late 20s, and women, younger that I are attracted to him as well. His age didn’t phase me at all. Don’t lie about it. Not being honest in the beginning could potentially ruin a new realationship. I have always been attracted to older men and he has this youthful attitute about him. You’re only as young as you feel.

August 7, 2009 at 8:13 am
(6) Tony says:

I am a guy around 20 years your junior. It has been my observation that many times young woman will simply humor older men. They are kind and flirtatious up to a point but always end up with the younger man. You can only hold on to your youth for so long and at some point the physicality of your true age makes it impossible for you to act as though you are still 20. What you have to do is get comfortable in your own skin and aim your sights a bit higher on the age scale. Otherwise, you are going to wake up one day and realize women have been putting you on. An exception to this is as always is adding money to the equation. Women are far more willing to show interest if it is clear having a relationship with you includes access to a substantial bank account. This is a truism and as old as time itself.

August 7, 2009 at 3:46 pm
(7) ALEX says:

Here’s another take on it, which I’m basing on middle aged single men I know who date young girls. A young girl has less of an idea of the amount of responsibility a quality adult male should have. Many of these age disparate daters are actually dating-down age-wise because good women their age won’t have them. Some I know still live like college boys in undeocrated apartments in which they don’t cook. A few don’t have anything set aside for retirement. Many don’t know how to emotionally relate to people their own age because they are too lazy to try.

For these men, an uncomplicated younger woman is an option because she doesn’t realize the emotional and intellectual depth that a grown man really ought to have. The older guy who can pay for every dinner and take her out seems attractive. Meanwhile, they don’t realize that this man can’t really take care of himself and in the long run, if he ends up with her, she’ll be the one taking care of him!

August 17, 2009 at 7:50 am
(8) Kris says:

I just read the comment left by “Alex”, and I think it was so well said and completely true. I’m a women in the dating world dealing with men my age that fit that description. Some are in their forties and have not been married or had children and that’s another reason for wanting a twenty something as a partner. I do see the immaturity and instability of some of the men my age and I’ve actually gone on a date where the man’s apt looked just like a frat house. I was so turned off because he had no “roots” anywhere. He made no effort to show he had a sense of “self” or depth. And just to be fair, I know many women in their forties who are materialistic and bitchy or bitter and don’t make any effort to change that either. As people get older personal growth shouldn’t end. And maybe this is what the 24 year old wouldn’t notice. But I would.

August 29, 2009 at 8:06 pm
(9) fmd says:

I was never interested in older guys when I was younger because I had a libido and I wasn’t attracted to them. While it isn’t true of every young woman, my guess is that older guys attempting to date younger women will run into a very high percentage of women who fake it. OK I was trying to be polite but I just have to say it. When I was young attention from older guys, no matter how fit or with it, just creeped me out.

March 6, 2010 at 1:43 am
(10) c anne says:

Your comments in the column of ‘a woman’s take on dating younger women’ echoes my own experiences completely. I had men in their 50s approaching me in my late 20s/30s. Yet I’d find most the guys my own age were still playing the field (with the idea they could do it in definitely) or looking as you say for early 20 somethings. Definitely a mismatch in the dating world.

Some of these 50s (and 60s) guys still ‘wanted to have a family’ (to that, my thinking is that there are limits for men, as well as women) I’d think, there are women your own age, go for them.

Now, after dating a younger guy myself, I’m a bit more flexible on the age thing. I do think you have to go on interests/looks and shared things in common, and not on power issues (a man trying to find a younger women to control her, as a trophy wife, or to have the family they put off having till their 50s/60s) If you have things in common then go for it, no matter the age.

April 6, 2011 at 6:43 am
(11) leon says:

Sometimes I think that older guys dating younger women is not necessary a sign of desperate or women at their age don’t accept them. I came from a broken family, my mum left my dad and I was raised by my dad. He never thought of remarrying again afraid that I might feel upset about it. Now that I have grown up and I managed to persuade my dad to begin another romance in his life. He has a lot hold back until one day he brought a women that seems 20 years younger than he is (my dad is in his 50s). I was a bit taken a back initially but finally accepted it as my dad has been living all alone for the last 25 years to brought me up and I am so glad to see him happy again.Sometimes I think older men dating younger women is not just about a choice too, it is also about fate. And you must have certain value that makes to women draw to you.

June 28, 2011 at 7:09 am
(12) Dick says:

I’m in my 50s and I do have a problem. I have never been married and have no children, or have ever had the opportunity. I am very fit, successful with a charismatic personality (I do stand up comedy for fun).
I am youthful and have far more energy than most people my age, but I do not kid myself that I actually do look young, other than in physique.
I have nothing in common with most people my own age, and I tend to hang out with other single people who are mostly in their 20s, and I date women in their 20s. I meet many attractive women in their 40s, who I would love to go out with, and do when they get permission from their husbands (or not).
The attractive older women I know, who also happen to be single, date (and marry!) men 10 or 20 years younger than them.
I’ve tried speed dating and match, but it doesnt work for me as I can’t demonstrate value.
Confused !

May 24, 2012 at 11:12 am
(13) Misty says:

I have always been attracted to older men since my early 20′s. At 24 I had a child with a man 47. At 28 I had a child with a man who was 44. Though we never married, both are great fathers to their children.
3 years ago at 33, I met, married and had a child with a man that was 53. We are expecting our 2nd child in September. I plan on having many more! Often times our child (and my other children) get mistaken for his grandchildren. That being the biggest drawback to our relationship proves to me that couples with 20 year age differences can work.

August 14, 2012 at 3:52 pm
(14) Larry says:

I’m 56 years old. My hair is graying, but there’s barely a wrinkle on my face. It’s been commented by others that I look to be about 40. I’m in the same boat as the originator of this question. Recently I did meet a much younger woman. We met at a place where she works. For the very first time in my life I was attracted to a much younger woman. I could also sense that she was attracted to me. I now look back at this with regret, since I did NOT follow through with the situation like I normally would have done. My answer NOW is: If there’s a mutual attraction, then pursue it! Don’t live any

August 17, 2012 at 10:31 pm
(15) Lee says:

Larry, if the younger person in question is a mature, consenting, and legal adult, then I agree with you. Do you mind if I ask how much of an age difference was between you and the young lady?

January 9, 2014 at 7:26 am
(16) Jessica says:

Charlie Chaplin was 55 when he married 17 year old Oona O’Neill. Everyone said they had never seen a happier couple, the two were soul mates. They had eight children together. . .Do I advise this? Absolutely NOT. BUT, if the situation is appropriate for you (and legal), then go for it. You never know what you might find.

My man is 18 years older than me. We both have children from previous marriages and aren’t remotely interested in having any more. I bring energy and positivity to the relationship, he brings calmness and strength. I absolutely adore my man, and love him in a way I never dreamed possible. I know he feels the same. He too says he looks younger than he is (I disagree – silently). I, however, am often mistaken to be 5 or more years younger than I am. Possibly intended as an insult, I dunno. It isn’t always fun in public, so you have to be strong enough to deal with idiotic comments and outright insults. I deal with it by playing confused and dumb. He makes a point of demonstrating his non-fatherly feelings toward me – not in a gross way – or ignores it outright.

HOWEVER, I don’t advise dating someone based solely on their age bracket. The idea is to look for someone you are compatible with and attracted to. Good luck.

January 9, 2014 at 7:32 am
(17) Jessica says:

BTW, for those of you implicating that older men have lower libido, this is absolutely untrue. To word it for a G-rating: My man and I spend more nights together than my husband (who was younger than me) ever did, even in the beginning of our relationship.

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