Dating Question About Exclusivity
Confused City Girl asks, "I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months now whom I met from a Craigslist ad that I had posted stating that I was looking for an awesome boyfriend. This guy replies with an awesome e-mail and was very cute too so I make plans to go out on a date with him. We clicked immediately and have been seeing each other since then. We have been to concerts together, spent many nights together, planned a vacation next month, I have even met his family and they love me.
A while ago I noticed that his Facebook and MySpace claim he is still single. I didn't let it bother me too much but I did feel a bit hurt. Recently I have noticed that his text messages are less frequent and much less romantic than they had been. He has also been claiming to need a lot of alone time because he has only been out a long term relationship a few months longer than knowing me.
Last weekend I was at his apartment like normal and went on his computer which is also normal. I noticed in his browser that there was a new saved link that was for OKCupid and I decided to click on it. Well, it automatically signed me into his account that was full of new pictures and a ton of e-mails back and forth with numerous women. He has corresponded with well over 50 women since meeting me. He also sent out an e-mail saying he was looking for a woman to wine and dine and possibly pleasure while he was away on business. He has recently met women for drinks and has told me nothing of it and also told me many of nights we aren't together that he is just hanging out at home or playing music (he is in a band) and so forth.
I was very upset and devastated, so I called him on the phone and tell him to come home if he can and he does. He tells me that he just wants to make sure that I am the right one for him and that he does not have the same feelings for any of these women like he does for me. He says he had planned on dating a lot of different women before he met me. He says that he probably loves me and definitely adores me and that he is almost ready to just be with me. He does not feel like he did anything wrong because he never specifically told me that he was not dating other people. I will admit that I assumed that he wasn't because he seems so into me.
My question is this: do you think he is just wanting his cake and to eat it too or do you really think he just wants to date around to make sure he is doing the right thing with me? Do you think will stop this seemingly obsessive online dating when/if he does decide to just be with me? I am so very confused and very hurt and just wanting advice. I am very much in love with this guy and had planned a ton of nice things for his upcoming birthday as well as the vacation we are supposed to go on next month."
Desiree, I feel your pain, and so, my answer will be quick and to the point: if he's not exclusively dating you and can't agree to it now, then its time for you to take a huge step back. Sure, you didn't have the exclusivity talk, but you both can take responsibility for that one. He didn't tell and you didn't ask. But if he's not willing to be your boyfriend (and it sounds like that's the only acceptable situation for you - nothing wrong with that), then don't let him be and don't treat him like one anymore. Cancel your vacation together and any other big plans, and then let him know that if or when he's ready to start being exclusive with you, you can talk more. Until then, stay busy, lean heavily on your friends, and let him explore his harem solo.
Comments
Bang on answer, Bonny.
This girl’s clearly being played while she’s looking for more.
She needs to move on – as difficult as that may seem – until she meets the right guy for her right now, or this guy grows up and wants to make a commitment.
You know what to do. He is a liar and a pig and he is playing you. Where is your self respect? I’d tell him to hit the road.
Confused City girl,
I can tell, you are an amazing women or else he wouldn’t have kept you around.
As women we feel the need to give all of ourselves to a man. We think we care about this man. But if he was doing this to our best friend we would be telling her “he is a major douche and that she deserves better”. Right?
We give our all to a man. However in the end this ruins the so called relationship. If he really had mutual feelings for you he would never start dating other women online or in person.
It’s like men think they have to have it all. It’s like they are missing out on something when they commit to one person.
A real man will know, you are a gem and that there’s no way in hell any other man will get his hands on you…
A real man doesn’t take you for granted; he always treats you as a lady and takes care of you.
If he is pushing you away to date other women; give him just what he wants. Let him date these low class women.
Let him realize what an idiot he was. Because honey he will it may take a few months maybe even a year.
By then you may have grown just enough to let go and realize you deserved better than his sloppy seconds.
Don’t let him fool you, he’s a dog and should be sleeping in the dog house. If you really love him let him go. Let him do his thing and you do yours love yourself and be free to date someone who is in to you 100%.
You may have to let him chase you longer than you like but it works. Men love the chase and when we give them what they want they are done with us and move on to the next women they hump and dump.
So if you need a friend you know where to find one.
http://www.myspace.com/499595244
Good luck sweetie, you deserve the best.
Thank you all for your comments! I have found out even more bad news about this guy since my submission. He has met women from Craigslist for casual sex and from Chemistry.com for dates. I thought I could handle letting him be with other people and still see him because I do love him. But, I know I need to end things because if I don’t respect myself and i let him do whatever he wants then he will not respect me. I am also finding myself to be very passive agressive towards him and myself. I keep beating myself up over this and feeling like a loser who isn’t good enough, it is so hard. I have never dealt with anything like this before. I have been in some bad relationships before but they ended with closure and mutually for the most part. Here I have someone telling me that he is going to be very sad if I leave him and that his feelings for me are very real and genuine. I also have feelings of love towards him so walking away feels very painful. But all the while he is killing me emotionally. I know that while I was away visiting my family and going to my grandma’s funeral he was seeking out sex and dates from multiple people. It is like he cannot be alone ever but that is what he probably needs more than anything. I know that if I leave him that he will probably just keep on dating and having one-night stands and probably even replace me with a steady “girlfriend” type of person too. It breaks my heart because I felt this guy was really, really into me and really did care about me. I have never seen someone be so two-faced in my life. Anyway, thanks for the advice and support. I know what I need to do and I think I have the strength to do it.
Good luck honey. Hey most of us have been there. Trust me in a few months to a year. You will tell yourself. “What was i thinking”.
He probably is doing the same thing to most of these other women. So just wait he will get his karma and honey it will be full on.
Good luck.
Sorry to hear that you had to go through such a painful experience. Good people are tough to find these days for certain.
Typical man, but if the shoe was on the other foot you would be considered the tramp of the year. I don’t care if neither of you talked about being exclusive, the point is he treated you as if you guys were exclusive. My advice to you is to run as fast as you can because he doesn’t want you, he just wants to use you for his rebound chick if the others don’t work out. You’re convient for him to have sex when he can’t get it from anyone else. Remember, never come off as being clingy or needy because that pushes guys away easily, and in this case that’s what you should want. Stay strong and move on.