In the dating forums, HaroldHeart asks: "I've been dating a number of women that I've met through on-line dating sites like Match.com. Everything seems to be going right, we talk, we laugh, we seem to get along well. Then suddenly they break it off (after the 2nd or 3rd date) because there isn't 'chemistry'. This is enormously frustrating for me, because I generally like these women a lot. How can I create 'chemistry?' "
Harold, I want to tread lightly here. Even from your first few words in the forum I got the impression that your self esteem was in a fragile place. It didn't take too long for you to share with the other forum members that you had contemplated suicide after a woman with whom you'd had three dates with told you it was over.
So before we go any further - can I first say: please, PLEASE speak with a mental health professional about your feelings as soon as possible, even if you currently are not feeling suicidal. It isn't a normal state of affairs for anyone to feel that down in the dumps after only a few dates, and when it happens repeatedly, its a difficult headspace to climb out of. As much as I'd like to assist here, there is only so much I can do via a forum or blog. About.com's Guide to Depression has a great list of resources for suicide prevention if you require a starting point. Once you've had a few sessions under your belt with a trained therapist, I hope you come back to read the rest of what I have to share here.
So how can you create chemistry? Its a double edged sword really: on one hand its impossible to click with everyone, but on the other there are things you can do to increase your chances. Success in creating chemistry is combining the two ideas and mixing them into something that works just for you.
Let's start with the first aspect: the 'click' factor. When a woman tells you she's not feeling any chemistry after the first few dates, its not because she isn't attracted to you. Few women will go out with a man they find unattractive, much less for 2 or 3 dates in a row. No, what they are referring to is the lack of 'pull' - that magical little oh-wow-he-makes-me-feel-something-nice-when-I-look-into-his-eyes sorta thing. If they (or you) don't even have a glimmer by date two or three? Well, then its time to move on.
Yet from your forum post you're saying that the pull has been there for you - going so far as to call some of the women 'perfect', yet your feelings weren't reciprocated. Why not?
My guess is that there is an element of neediness coming off in your interactions with women. "I need her to be perfect," or, "I need her to be The One," or, "I'm tired of dating and need her to make me feel good about myself again," or... well you get the jist. This kind of neediness comes out loud and clear to women, and the more you give her in the way of personal information, affection or praise, the worse it seems. Oddly, this isn't a bad thing a few months or even a year into a long term relationship, but early on it spells a quick end.
The next aspect then is how to 'pull' women towards you, and the best way I can explain this is by going back to the comment about self esteem I made earlier: you need to feel good about you. Confidence is attractive, and when you feel in control of your emotions, you don't feel the need to share everything with someone right away in the hopes that they'll 'like' you. Instead, you are sitting back and enjoying their company, getting to know them better and determining if they would be a good fit in your life. By doing this, you 'pull' women to you, almost effortlessly. It is a concept universal to most dating how-to's, even ones that seem like complete opposites - like Neil Strauss' The Rules Of The Game and Arielle Ford's The The Soulmate Secret. Both espouse self confidence and drawing people to you to find whatever it is you are looking for, although their tactics differ greatly.
But what about you, dear reader? What do you think Harold can do to create chemistry? Do you think its possible, or does he just need to wait until the right woman comes into his life?
Related: Test Your Chemistry, Low Self Esteem in Dating Relationships, Relationship Expectations, The Rules of Dating.
Nice advice, but on chemistry – it really can’t be contrived…sorry! I would suggest trying a little less hard though, and caring less. Good luck.
You can’t actually create chemistry, you have to find someone that you share it with.
I would like to share something that I’m experiencing for myself that might prove helpful. After a divorce several years ago and a couple of relationships that got too serious too quickly (I’ll save the details for another post:) I have learned to not seek that immediate connection but rather to TRULY enjoy the time spent conversing and getting to know this beautiful person sitting across the table. The only control we really have is to open ourselves up to a new experience, and learning to savor those initial stages of courtship could reveal our honest, relaxed selves in a way that allows real chemistry to occur in the first place.
Looking inside your self and opening your heart seems to be the key to finding love. Start there, and maybe things will be easier.
Learn what women find attractive in a man. Learn what women you like find attractive like. Then take steps to become that person. Next, chemistry is set by the mood. If a first date is at a coffee place with plastic wood tables, not exactly the most romantic spot.
Chemistry is not to find, it is happened naturally between two right persons. So just be sincere, be yourself!
You need to create pull. What is it that create pull? That is different for every person – since we are individuals and have different needs and wants. What tends to work for me is this: flirt/tease a bit. Focus on the emotional side. If she is a schoolteacher – don’t just talk about where she works and the practical aspects of it, but rather on how she feels about it, what makes her happy, what frustrates her – in other words: take the conversation to a deeper level. If she then shares something you can connect/identify with, share you story with her, but watch her reaction to make sure you are making a connection and not just boring her.
Chemistry can’t be made – it just is. You can, however help it along a bit but being not just “the usual” but by being interesting, flirting a bit, being genuinely interested in her, by moving outside the box. Good luck!
just try be yourself whenever you are around a girl in a date. then slowly chacting with putting on smile on your on face, before you know wats up you are already creating what you want!
I agree with the mental health aspect firstly. Becoming attached so quickly screams attachment disorder. I have a page on my actual site (POU) entitled ‘Establishing a Connection’ which explains chemistry creation. Also having such high expectations going into it allows too much room for disappointment which, by the way is inevitable in the dating game; Not everyone you meet or date will be a good fit. Sometimes these things require a slight adjustment or tweaking and a constant awareness of self on these dates. What and how much information did you offer? Did you bring up sensitive subjects such as ex’s on the first date, prior issues in relationships and so on. Don’t put so much hope into one or two dates. It’s unsettling. Relax, posture up and allow nature to run it’s course. Good luck! With everything…….
Wow, I get emails about this all the time and I agree completely with what you said to this guy. People shouldn’t go on a date expecting a relationship. That puts too much weight on one date. Go out to have fun. If you have fun, go out again. If you don’t, move on. Momma always said there were enough partners to go around.
Don’t settle for less and don’t quit.
Life’s short — stress less and have more fun.
Well I totally disagree with the, women who did this write up. She did not get the fact that lots of guys including myself have the same problem. Their are people who just can not create what women call “chemistry” and I actually believe it’s because the guy is too smart. Smart people have a super hard time trying to lower their self to talk with people who are not “=”. Called talking over someone head. Most women I have noticed go for people who are normal guys that and are what I call BS guys. They will sit their and joke around and do just as she is saying, lessen and then tell her what she wants to get told. So the guy clues in on what perked her interests and keep on telling her more and more of that line of BS. Then after a while she learns that he has been giving her a line of BS and now she has her heart broken. Were the guy who is smart has a problem with BS and they just be honest. Women do not like a guy who is honest with her. Even tho they will all say they want guys who are honest, they really do not. The only time I have had success with a girl is when I lie to her. If you are honest with her, then its over in one or 2 dates. I am now trying to learn how to now show I am smart because I can not bring my self to lie to women or BS her. In order to get passed the first 6 or 7 dates with a woman she needs to think you are just the avg guy. If she get the hit your smart or your honest its over, you can come clean after you have been with her for 3 months. Then you will see. Anyways, I do not agree with this writer that he needs to see mental people. I think he is just too smart for the women. I can relate to his problem. I know were he is coming from. I am very successful, and have my own airplane, with no debt. I am sure this guy she is writing about is successful and also is a kind person, will try to help people out even if they should not be helped because they are low life. Anyways, what I find funny about her write up! Completely missed the point that he was trying to get conveyed. He was talking over the head of the women who did this write up!
dude , you are dead right.. chicks like the douche bags
I almost completely agree with Robby and Fred. Women are motivated by primal instinct just like guys. The difference is in what we want. I was once very honest and nice, it did not go well for me. Once I stopped talking about myself completely and only listened and commented on what they said (and by comment I mean: carefully consider what they say and then ridicule them for it) things started going in my favor quite a bit. The slightest bit of neediness will result in immediate failure.
If you’re getting woman on dates then you’ve really already got the hardest part down. Whatever you’re telling them is what is blowing it. DO NOT try to impress woman with anything you think that would. Dodge every question with a sarcastic comment. Example: “What do you do for a living?” Answer: “I’m a semi-proffesional begger, I hoping to maybe go pro this year, but it kind of sounds like a lot of work.”
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I, for example, am a musican, I tell girls that I hate music. I tell them I live in woodshed under the overpass. Whatever the absolute dumbest thing I can think of at the moment. They will not see it as lies, but as comedy and confidence. AKA – I’m so cool I don’t even have to try and impress you. They want alphas, plain and simple. If you call a girl for a date and she is slightest bit uncertain, tell her that’s cool, give me a call when you have the time, I’ll talk to you, well, whenever. Later. Do not call them back. They may or may not, but if you call again you arre just a sad case.
Don’t believe anything women tell you about how to get them. They are only propegating there own lies of what they think they want. There is no such thing as chemistry as woman call it. You create that reaction in them by displaying your dominance, i.e. not looking to them for emotional support. That is what they want from you, not what they want to give you.
So in short, do not talk about yourself whatsoever, and make fun of everything they say(but for god’s sake do not try hard at that either). Good luck.