I recently picked up a book by Dr. Bonnie Weil called, "Make Up, Don't Break Up," and its got me thinking about relationships and break ups in a whole new way. Until the past week I've thought of a break up as an end, a defined break. But Dr. Weil's premise - which I haven't finished reading yet so please correct me if one of you have read the book and consider my interpretation misguided - is that a break up can serve a couple better if considered a pause, or at the very least temporary, in order to better a relationship that isn't flowing like it could.
Why a break up? It isn't her first suggestion, I'll admit. But her idea is that all romantic relationships have a Pursuer and a Distancer (although some relationships have two of each, most have one of each). The Pursuer is the person who wants a commitment, is scared of being abandoned, has no issue being impulsive or taking risks in a relationship, loves talking about the relationship and/or dislikes being alone. The Distancer would rather leave everything up in the air, wants space but has issues communicating that need, is a workaholic, and/or stands still in relationships out of fear of being rejected. A break up is necessary then when those two roles become so unbalanced that they affect the interaction negatively, i.e. the Distancer is so distant and non-responsive that the Pursuer chases even more, with both running in circles, spiraling downwards fast. The break up then allows for both parties to get some space, refocus, ground themselves into a healthier dynamic, and focus on whatever issues they have individually in order to come together again and determine if the relationship can weather the storm.
Does breaking up to make up work? Dr. Weil states that in her private practice (she's a therapist) she has a 98% success rate with her break up to make up technique, using the bevvy of skills and suggestions in the book (there are tons - way more than I can do justice here). Success meaning, that people don't break up permanently, but rather, temporarily.
So, what do you think? Have you read the book and used the tactics? Did they work for you? Or, do you think that breaking up to make up could salvage a good relationship that's in serious trouble?
While I haven’t read the book, I have experienced success from a break-up. After dating for 4.5 months and getting really serious about each other, my sweetie and I broke up for about 3 months because of some life and relationship challenges that we couldn’t seem to overcome. It was heart-breaking for both of us. Three months later, we tried again – successfully! The key is for each individual to work through whatever problems, baggage etc. is in the way. It also helps to make a list of all the great things you had together to help strengthen your resolve to work things out in the best way possible.
Sure! Sometimes a little break can go a long way into sealing a relationship. I think it is a mature way to give space to work things out. When true love exists, one always comes out stronger into the relationship.
That is a very interesting concept. I very much wonder if you are right about that. There are times when my marriage gets so out of focus that stepping away from the normal for a short while helps to remind both of us what is really important.
I was in a difficult relationship for quite a while, and I was definitely the Distancer rather than the Pursuer. After two years I felt I needed “more of a challenge” i.e., the relationship became totally imbalanced and I turned into a complete monster. I broke up in spite of the fact that I loved my girlfriend very much, and that was a wise decision.
She cut me out of her life completely for a while, thereby forcing me to take care of all my issues. After approximately three months, we resumed contact, slowly got to know each other again, got together, and the relationship is completely and utterly different now half a year into our second chance. It’s great: loads of respect and lots of LOVE (and that’s what really matters – as long as there’s love there’s a chance.)
Looking back I think breaking up was the only option available to us. Nothing less would have done the job. Perhaps the key fact here is that we were still in love when the breakup happened – we tried to move on but couldn’t.
During the break I remember I tried to think positively about it. You could argue that a breakup is the ultimate test of a relationship: if you solve the problems that caused it and then get back together, you’ve achieved a great deal. If you don’t, then it’s just not meant to be. In our case, it all turned out well.
I heartily recommend trying out a breakup
I’m going through a breakup as well right now and I must say the heart breaking is very overwhelming…I really wish my relationship can be as successful as yours….do you mind telling me who initiated the contact that got you back together again three months after, you or your girlfriend?? And what other things that you did to maintain the relationship (after making up)
Thank you
and do you think if my significant other said something like “I love you but I don’t have to be with you” or “I think we can be really good friends”…what are the chances that a makeup is going to be successful?? Did you girlfriend said something like that during the breakup too???
Thank you
Dear Flying Scotsman,
I hope you get this message as it’s a while since you posted.
I’m going through a break up at the moment which sounds similar to yours.
My boyfriend broke up with me, but says he is still in love with me and I have completely cut him out of my life, like your girlfriend did with you.
Who initiated the contact that got you back together again three months after, you or your girlfriend?
Thank and regards,
Bluebell.
This book was an eye opener for me although it seems to be written more for women pursuers. Seems I have more pursuer traits and as reading I had to adjust the gender roles mentally. Just hope what I read makes no difference to the sex and targets more so the relationship type.
At the current time, I have been on a break for about a week and I hope this book has given me the information and skills needed for if and when my relationship resumes. I took the break before reading the book, but I sure am glad I read it as I now know how to handle my girlfriend as well as me.
My boyfriend of two years broke up with me. It was the worst pain I’d ever experienced in my life. It was a spiteful, sudden and horrid break up and we went from talking everyday to not one ounce of communication for 9 months. Out of devastation I didn’t bother to date anyone in the meantime. 11 months after the break up we saw eachother for the first time and got back into the relationship the very next day. We stayed together almost a year, and recently decided to split again. The love we share is very real, however during our break he actually dated other women. Dating is something I have never experienced and it was putting a strain on our (2nd) relationship. He was my first and only serious relationship and my curiosity was getting the best of me, particularly since the reason he returned is because he learned in other women, that it was me that he wanted. I wanted to have that same opportunity to know that he was truly what I wanted and not just comfortable. I’m afraid that I’ll test the waters, and reach a similar conclusion as he did about me. But if I try and go back to him, he may be gone for good!