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Bonny Albo

Can You Break Up to Make Up?

By June 5, 2010

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I recently picked up a book by Dr. Bonnie Weil called, "Make Up, Don't Break Up," and its got me thinking about relationships and break ups in a whole new way. Until the past week I've thought of a break up as an end, a defined break. But Dr. Weil's premise - which I haven't finished reading yet so please correct me if one of you have read the book and consider my interpretation misguided - is that a break up can serve a couple better if considered a pause, or at the very least temporary, in order to better a relationship that isn't flowing like it could.

Why a break up? It isn't her first suggestion, I'll admit. But her idea is that all romantic relationships have a Pursuer and a Distancer (although some relationships have two of each, most have one of each). The Pursuer is the person who wants a commitment, is scared of being abandoned, has no issue being impulsive or taking risks in a relationship, loves talking about the relationship and/or dislikes being alone. The Distancer would rather leave everything up in the air, wants space but has issues communicating that need, is a workaholic, and/or stands still in relationships out of fear of being rejected. A break up is necessary then when those two roles become so unbalanced that they affect the interaction negatively, i.e. the Distancer is so distant and non-responsive that the Pursuer chases even more, with both running in circles, spiraling downwards fast. The break up then allows for both parties to get some space, refocus, ground themselves into a healthier dynamic, and focus on whatever issues they have individually in order to come together again and determine if the relationship can weather the storm.

Does breaking up to make up work? Dr. Weil states that in her private practice (she's a therapist) she has a 98% success rate with her break up to make up technique, using the bevvy of skills and suggestions in the book (there are tons - way more than I can do justice here). Success meaning, that people don't break up permanently, but rather, temporarily.

So, what do you think? Have you read the book and used the tactics? Did they work for you? Or, do you think that breaking up to make up could salvage a good relationship that's in serious trouble?

Comments
June 10, 2010 at 5:35 pm
(1) Sue says:

While I haven’t read the book, I have experienced success from a break-up. After dating for 4.5 months and getting really serious about each other, my sweetie and I broke up for about 3 months because of some life and relationship challenges that we couldn’t seem to overcome. It was heart-breaking for both of us. Three months later, we tried again – successfully! The key is for each individual to work through whatever problems, baggage etc. is in the way. It also helps to make a list of all the great things you had together to help strengthen your resolve to work things out in the best way possible.

June 14, 2010 at 7:44 am
(2) Sammy says:

Sure! Sometimes a little break can go a long way into sealing a relationship. I think it is a mature way to give space to work things out. When true love exists, one always comes out stronger into the relationship.

June 15, 2010 at 11:11 am
(3) Shaune says:

That is a very interesting concept. I very much wonder if you are right about that. There are times when my marriage gets so out of focus that stepping away from the normal for a short while helps to remind both of us what is really important.

November 10, 2010 at 6:31 pm
(4) Flying Scotsman says:

I was in a difficult relationship for quite a while, and I was definitely the Distancer rather than the Pursuer. After two years I felt I needed “more of a challenge” i.e., the relationship became totally imbalanced and I turned into a complete monster. I broke up in spite of the fact that I loved my girlfriend very much, and that was a wise decision.

She cut me out of her life completely for a while, thereby forcing me to take care of all my issues. After approximately three months, we resumed contact, slowly got to know each other again, got together, and the relationship is completely and utterly different now half a year into our second chance. It’s great: loads of respect and lots of LOVE (and that’s what really matters – as long as there’s love there’s a chance.)

Looking back I think breaking up was the only option available to us. Nothing less would have done the job. Perhaps the key fact here is that we were still in love when the breakup happened – we tried to move on but couldn’t.

During the break I remember I tried to think positively about it. You could argue that a breakup is the ultimate test of a relationship: if you solve the problems that caused it and then get back together, you’ve achieved a great deal. If you don’t, then it’s just not meant to be. In our case, it all turned out well.

I heartily recommend trying out a breakup :-)

September 25, 2011 at 7:55 pm
(5) ZR1 says:

I’m going through a breakup as well right now and I must say the heart breaking is very overwhelming…I really wish my relationship can be as successful as yours….do you mind telling me who initiated the contact that got you back together again three months after, you or your girlfriend?? And what other things that you did to maintain the relationship (after making up)

Thank you

September 25, 2011 at 8:22 pm
(6) ZR1 says:

and do you think if my significant other said something like “I love you but I don’t have to be with you” or “I think we can be really good friends”…what are the chances that a makeup is going to be successful?? Did you girlfriend said something like that during the breakup too???

Thank you

March 18, 2011 at 11:20 am
(7) Bluebell says:

Dear Flying Scotsman,
I hope you get this message as it’s a while since you posted.
I’m going through a break up at the moment which sounds similar to yours.
My boyfriend broke up with me, but says he is still in love with me and I have completely cut him out of my life, like your girlfriend did with you.
Who initiated the contact that got you back together again three months after, you or your girlfriend?
Thank and regards,
Bluebell.

October 26, 2011 at 10:56 pm
(8) Michael says:

This book was an eye opener for me although it seems to be written more for women pursuers. Seems I have more pursuer traits and as reading I had to adjust the gender roles mentally. Just hope what I read makes no difference to the sex and targets more so the relationship type.

At the current time, I have been on a break for about a week and I hope this book has given me the information and skills needed for if and when my relationship resumes. I took the break before reading the book, but I sure am glad I read it as I now know how to handle my girlfriend as well as me.

December 9, 2011 at 5:02 am
(9) sherryf says:

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me. It was the worst pain I’d ever experienced in my life. It was a spiteful, sudden and horrid break up and we went from talking everyday to not one ounce of communication for 9 months. Out of devastation I didn’t bother to date anyone in the meantime. 11 months after the break up we saw eachother for the first time and got back into the relationship the very next day. We stayed together almost a year, and recently decided to split again. The love we share is very real, however during our break he actually dated other women. Dating is something I have never experienced and it was putting a strain on our (2nd) relationship. He was my first and only serious relationship and my curiosity was getting the best of me, particularly since the reason he returned is because he learned in other women, that it was me that he wanted. I wanted to have that same opportunity to know that he was truly what I wanted and not just comfortable. I’m afraid that I’ll test the waters, and reach a similar conclusion as he did about me. But if I try and go back to him, he may be gone for good!

October 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm
(10) kate says:

HI Sue,

I know you posted quite a while back, but your situation sounds exactly like mine… how did you guys find yourself back to each other? did you have any contact during the break up??

December 4, 2012 at 4:55 am
(11) Mr. DEAR says:

I am experiencing that now. I’m hoping that my girlfriend will come back because she told me that she really like me for the rest of our lives. She wants me to be the only one however things must come to an end so that another chapter of our lives will about to start. We’ve been together for almost 1.5 years. I’ve learned that we both made it complicated. I really want to make up for what I’ve done to her.

January 5, 2013 at 7:03 pm
(12) BJ says:

My girlfriend dumped me a month ago after an argument. She said i was selfish. This was the 3rd time in 9 months. Each other time we’d get back together. This time it seems different- she broke, angrily, and i let her have the space she wanted. We still keep in touch weekly. But it seems to be on a “friends” basis. I really love this girl and in hindsight I feel guilt for not being there 100% for her. At the same time she gave me very little tolerance for error, with a hair trigger anger. Which ironically caused me to pull back emotionally- which then caused the argument , etc etc . She proposed to me a few months ago and i was so happy but i said i would need to be the one to propose. It looks like i may now not ever get the chance. It is heartening to hear make up after break up stories like these. I am so happy for the people who managed to recover lost love. It is beautiful. But, waiting it out is very hard when you are nursing a broken heart. The uncertainty, the fear is overwhelming.

January 5, 2013 at 7:24 pm
(13) BJ says:

Also, I respect her decision to break. It is what she wants that is important here- her happiness. I truly love her and want her to be happy irrespective of me. At the same time, it is hard because you rarely meet a special someone in life that you can relate to on all levels.

February 14, 2013 at 1:54 am
(14) Reg says:

I don’t neccessarily agree with this technique after multiple uses. Me and my previous girlfriend, of two years, have broken up for good this time after she has used this technique many, many times. After the first time, it worked and things were really good. Then about 8 months later we ran into some more trouble and she did it again, right before she went back to college.

She saw how good things were after the first time, it seemed that she was wanting to break up when we got in the simplest of arguments. So after the 3rd official time she did it, I had to walk away. We would talk about getting married, but what happens when you get married? What is she going to want then, a divorce?

Techniques like this work, but not after multiple attempts.

February 16, 2013 at 5:12 am
(15) stella says:

my boyfriend broke up with me and it hurts like hell, we have made many promises and planed for our future, we have solves many problems during our 1.2 year relationship i know he loves me and i love him too, i thought everything is under control until he said to me that he cant breath anymore,because of my very negative personality, ive been a very jealous girlfriend every time i know hes texting some one or he meets new female friends, i always doubt him, i have no peace of mind that he might have some one else, but he always told me that what i am thinking is just part of my paranoid mind, that he is not doing something that can harm our relationship, but why is it that those doubtful mind keeps on running into my mind? that made him decide about breaking up with me, that he wants freedom, now i still cant accept that fact.i hope he can give me another chance and i hope that our relationship will have a chance and that i can show to him i can change my bad attitudes

February 16, 2013 at 1:17 pm
(16) confuzed says:

My bf and i “broke up” unofficially two weeks ago. we had been on a two week break before he invited me over for dinner and a talk. we wound up arguing going round and round but by the end of the night he said we would work on communication and talk. he also mentioned the next morning it was rocky, but we should still talk (we did not have sex in case that’s what you are thinking). i was hurt and confused where things would go but decided to encourage positive energy and tell him i did enjoy spending time with him again… he replied “me too” but other than that i have not heard a word from him. he even told a mutual friend we had gone our separate ways, things did not work out… Problem is, he never told me that. he never told me “we are done” he just left me hanging saying we should continue to talk… I was wondering if i should give it a month or so and see if he wants to retry or at least try being civil/friends or just walk away for good since he did not have the decency to end things with me. id like closure but not sure itd be worth the effort :-/

March 12, 2013 at 1:23 am
(17) Josh says:

My girlfriend and I broke up Jan 1st. We were together for four years. Shes broke up with me because she claims i didnt cherish her and that i took her for granted and i had no respect for her. It was a rocky relationship but filled with love and never ending memories. I gave her a week to breathe but I came to find out she was already dating another man. She cut me off completely. She changed her number and blocked me on multiple social networks. It’s been 2 months and this broken heart refuses to heal. I’m still in love with her, and would love a chance to make things right. I really don’t know what to do. It’s hard for me to date other women when all I think about is her. I wish I can one day come back on this site and share my make-up story. Until then I will have to continue to nurse this broken heart :( any advice people. What should I do?

March 20, 2013 at 6:25 am
(18) Rob says:

@ Josh mate, leave that behind, unless you really treated her badly enough that her going off with another man after just a week is fair play then do you really want to be with someone like that?
Any pursuers should not make the first contact, allow the distancer to make the first move, this will take patients! This will also put you in good stem for the relationship to come.

April 24, 2013 at 2:13 am
(19) Sam says:

My partner of 8 years hasn’t spoken to me in a week.. We had a little argument and I have not heard from him since. I called and sent him txt msgs and nothing!! He feels I have pushed him over the edge, suffocated him. I’m so scared I may have lost him forever. I can’t sleep and all I do is cry all day! The pain is so unbearable. He is the sort of person that shuts down and finds it hard to express any emotions I am not so sure if I should call or txt him. Help anyone!!

May 3, 2013 at 1:44 pm
(20) Ryan says:

Same sort of think happened to me. Girlfriend I love (8 years) dumped me for really unclear reasons other than she and I have different things that will make us happy in life. Neither of us have any other interests as far as new boyfriend/girlfriend. I went to her house the next night and she sort of took me back. Then she went on her business trip for three days and decided to end it officially when we got back saying she did not want to be my partner.

Key issues: I had school 4 nights a week and she was finishing residency work which included many late nights. She also had her best friends wedding to deal with. I think it gave her a bit of a quarter life crisis. I am less than a year from being done with engineering school and she is about to start a new job (hopefully) because her residency is over in july. I know she is worried about getting a job too.

I was stressed about the relationship but knew we would get over this year and be happy. She sort of gave up.

I am currently on day 7 no contact, but I am doing great in all aspects (working out, running, school, job, hobbies) but I already forgave and still miss her. No anger, I understand her fears.

She also was a wreck both nights when we were going through the break up. I think that means she has feelings still.

Am I doing the right thing with no contact? In the last two weeks I look so much better and feel better after eating right and working out so much. I want to show her what I am but when is it the right time? Any advice from anyone?

May 19, 2013 at 5:59 am
(21) Marcus says:

Ryan, you should continue to do fun stuff, hobbies an workouts. Maybe even date other girls (also to try new waters. But it will make her jealous and make her contact you). Await her contact and dont try to take her back until youre completley certain she wants you back. If you do this she will notice you can survive with out her, which will make you intresting again. Think of other things for the time being. And always tell yourself if she dosent want you, its her own loss. Youre the man and remember that there are thousands of other girls that would love and appreaciate you if things go bad!

Good luck man, thats my advice!

May 26, 2013 at 1:22 am
(22) Hafexy says:

Been in a 15 year relationship with the love of my life. He moved to another city for a new job and I was supposed to follow in a little while and we’d get our place situated. He emailed me 2 days ago saying he was doing okay with the moving stuff, and ohh he met someone that took him by surprise and that he never would have expected it! Wow…well me neither! I am absolutely traumatized and shattered. We have our life planned out, I have my wedding dress in the closet, we were talking baby names. It totally came out of left field…and we haven’t officially broken up, but we probably will….and I need some serious advice! Should I just say “lets give each other some space to work out our issues” or ….I don’t even know what to do…I’ve been with this man half of my lifetime…he is everything to me. I can’t lose him to some floozy from LA….(no offense to california readers)

June 11, 2013 at 1:25 am
(23) Craig says:

I’ve been dating a girl that I really love for a couple of months.
It was almost perfect until a few days ago when she broke up with me. Her reasons were ambiguous but one of them were to do with her and her issues of openness and trust (because of previous bad relationships). In this case it was clear that I was the pursuer and she was the distancer. I was the perfect man for her, but she couldn’t open herself up to me and love me as I did her, though she stated that she once did. We’re both in university and have the whole of summer break to avoid each other, but I have a few questions on how to get her back. (note: I’m not in a depressed or hysterical state so I’ll take on any advice that is given.)

1. Does the fact that she doesn’t love me anymore ruin my chances?
2. Who should initiate contact first?
3. If she does want me back, how should I react?

Any advice would be gladly appreciated.

Craig.

June 11, 2013 at 12:01 pm
(24) Teresa says:

I am also going through some kind of distancing thing right now. It is not the first time. It seems as though when we don’t see eye to eye we both retreat to our corners for 3 weeks to 3 months and always end up back together. We are middle aged and have been together for 11 years, do not live together, nor do we have children. These times apart are much harder on me than him. He seems to think that sex solves everything and I just want to be loved. He is very good to me in many ways, especially financially, but he can’t bring himself to discuss the relationship. We just have sex and everything goes back to same old same old. I’m beginning to wonder if we will get back this time though. Usually he is the one to make the first move.

June 17, 2013 at 3:02 pm
(25) Becky says:

I am in a relationship with a man I care deeply about but it just seems like he is always looking to pick a fight, and when I give him that fight it escalates into a breakup. It’s the same routine. I pack my clothes and makeup into a garbage bag, leave, and tell him ill be back for the rest of my things. Two days later he’s sorry and he loves me and none of it was my fault. Then were good for a few months. Like a honeymoon stage. The moment we start really having an argument the cycle repeats itself. It’s exhausting, and heartbreaking. I’ve sunk into a depression and walk around eggshells just to not upset things.

June 22, 2013 at 5:29 am
(26) Kelsi says:

My boyfriend broke up with me and it was crazy. We were fine despite minor arguments. He always told me that he was so afraid to lose me and that he needed me. He even cried at the thought of ne not being around. Until last Wednesday at 3 am. He broke up with me, while crying. He told me that the things that we want from each other would be changing our selves. ( He wanted me to be a little more outgoing and I wanted him to just respect some rules like not talking to other females late at night) Its been a week and two days. He’s be talking to the girl that he talked to before me, and other girls. Part of me wants to move on and forget but I really do love him. We had a great relationship. Any advice?

June 22, 2013 at 11:56 am
(27) Mutangguy says:

I was in a relationship with a women for about 4 months. We were intimate and shwred a lot of feelings. I screwed up and didn’t call her for about 2 months and when i decided that i wanted to make it work we got together and i apologized for my transgressions and she accepted.
Things were great for 2 months and we were in contact several times a day. Everytime I brought up the fact i wanted to re-establish the relationshp she was hesitant .I told her I have deep feeling for her and really want this to work. I know she had trust issues, porbably feeling I’d abandon her again. When i told her this up/down contact wasn’t working for me, that she should decide whether we should casually date, commit to a relationship or just move on she pulled back. After 4 days of no contact she called me but we never did get to finish the conversation and we haven’t talked for about a week. I want desparately to call her but don’t want to appear needy. I have been told the no contact rule is a good route to go. If i don’t hear from her I’ll probably just move on but don’t like the idea.We have shared a lot of deep conversations never argue and always have civil conversations. Any advice would be appreciaed!

August 2, 2013 at 5:48 am
(28) DA says:

After 3 years being together, he broke up with me.
I feel 100% complete destroyed and out of control!
We had major problems this last year but we have made promises and dreams that could have kept him tring a little bit more…
I promised to fix everything and try my best but he was like ” I love you so much but I have lost myself this last year and I want to be alone. After all I want you in my life as a friend.”
Like seriously?? How can I possibly see him as a friend when I am deeply in love with him?
Do you thing I have any chance to bring him back as we used to be?
Please someone help me here!
He was/is the man of my life! I adore him and I can’t live without him!!
He broke up with me 10 days ago and I’m dying here…

August 6, 2013 at 12:52 am
(29) alison says:

my boyfriend and i just broke up about two days ago, it was out of the blue that i don’t even understand what went wrong. the relationship was great at the beginning, i felt like i was cared for constantly. although, he was always distant while i always forced him to show me what i meant to him, and that was wrong. i cried all night but then something hit me, there are so many important things in life. it sure is devastating and not as easy to just “move on” but if you don’t keep going, you will never know what you might stumble upon. if you run into each other once again, awesome! i still have hope that we can start again, but i’m giving him his space and not trying to bother him, as i also need some space to get to know myself and learn from my mistakes. once you break up, don’t rush into things the next day because it doesn’t always work.

August 6, 2013 at 12:58 am
(30) alison says:

@ DA- give him some space, and let him come to you. during this break, find yourself and see how well you do without him. it’s not healthy to dwell on it, cry about it if you feel the need to. you have yourself to worry about now and if he comes back, then that’s when you should make your decision because you are still vulnerable from the whole situation. if you keep running back to him you’re only going to hurt yourself. don’t isolate yourself from the world no matter how much you want too because you will just spiral down into a deeper hole. good luck with whatever you choose!

August 9, 2013 at 2:31 am
(31) Sophie says:

My “boyfriend” and I were dating for 6 months before our break. We were totally in love. I was his first love but he was my second. He is a totally jealous person. He wants to know every detail of what I’m doing or else he would call me a liar. So one day. I ran into my ex boyfriend. I haven’t seen him in a year but to break the awkwardness at the cafe, we talked/caught up for like 15 minutes. Afterwards, being the honest girlfriend I should be, I told my boyfriend. He flipped out. He said I was disrespectful..didn’t talk to me for a week and then calls me to tell me he can’t take it anymore. I thought he wss gonna break up with me but he said he wanted to work things out and start again after the summer. He is currently on a three month trip and he comes back in a few weeks. This summer has been killing me. No communication with him whatsoever. I fear that he is over me. All mu friends tell me to dump his ass but I love him. I feel abandoned and angry. Not sure what’s gonna happen…

August 19, 2013 at 9:06 pm
(32) Nieshh says:

I have been in a relation w my boyfriend for 3 months. We come from a totally different cultural backgrounds (me – a Nepali Asian girl and him an Aussie bloke) and this has stir bit of a drama in our relationship. I am very modern, westernised and outgoing person but my parents are dead strict. I can’t disrespect them and have a fight because that is how things always are. Eventhough I have introduced him to my parents, he is not allowed to hang out at my place all the time. He is not invited to some family dinner events and such. This makes him feel bad and I feel worse because I can’t do anything about it. I sometimes lie and sneak out w him cuz seeing him and making him makes me happy. I want both parties (my fam and him) in my life and want them both be happy but balancing them between my undergrad studies and work has been a nightmare. The worse part is I have real feelings for him and I don’t want to lose someone as great as him but he has told me he wants a break. According to him, it has been a very hard work and now he is confused about what he wants from this relationship. He said he needs to re-think and be sure if he really has feelings for me also stressing on the fact that we are not broken up and he wants to work out on this relationship. We are in a break now and this feeling is killing me. I am not too sure if I should even keep any contact w him. I do want to see him happy cuz that would make me happy but at the same time I want to be w someone who actually accepts me w all my flaws. I cant force anyone to be w me for my sake.

August 22, 2013 at 7:38 pm
(33) LML says:

I was in a relationship with a guy for nearly two and a half years. The first year was the best time of my life. We got very serious. But after about our year and a half mark, things slowly went downhill. We had our first arguement ever. And after the first, more flow in. We were aguing about the stupidest things. But a while ago we broke up. We were apart for a week and four days. Neither of us could really stand it. We just got back together and I really hope things can go back to being perfect and happy. Many people have their family to fall back on, but my boyfriend cares more about me than my mother ever has. I don’t want to go into that detail… But I really hope we make it this time.
xoxo

August 30, 2013 at 9:10 am
(34) DA says:

@alison
Thank you for giving me some advise.
Now it’s been 1 and a half months after the break up.
We talked to each other but he is very angry and wants space. He seems to be having the time of his life since we broke up.
A couple of days ago I decided to give up on him…
I also decided to visit a psychologist since I feel really bad and I cannot take it anymore.
I wish some day he will come back to me.
I really do miss him so badly… He was my life

September 20, 2013 at 1:41 pm
(35) Jenny says:

My boyfriend broke up with me 3 and a half months ago. He said he couldn’t take the fighting anymore and that he found out I lied to him about something he hated. I didn’t follow the no contact rule because I really couldn’t take not being able to fight for the relationship. There were times that he’d completely ignore me and there are times that he would reply that would get me to think that maybe I still have a chance. There was even a time when he said he didn’t want to have anything to do with me and that he regret dating me in the first place. We would occasionally see each other at parties because of common friends. And now, lately we’ve been stirring around the idea that maybe we can try again but then he’s been hot and cold. Sometimes he doesn’t hold back and says what he really feels about me (that he still loves me and wants to get back together) and there are times that he just completely ignores me. What does he really want? :(

October 5, 2013 at 8:47 pm
(36) Sunnytea says:

my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me over two months ago. he still has not taken my pictures down out of his house or his facebook page. he inititated the break up so why does he still have my pics up? recently he as contacted me asking me how i was doing and is thing were ok. im lost. what is going on here? i am trying to move on but i dont undertsand, if he initiated the break up, why wont he delete my pics and just leave me akone so that i can move on?

October 15, 2013 at 8:12 am
(37) Starting Over says:

@Sunnytea…I am going thru the same thing! My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me (actually said “we need to take a break”) about 6 weeks ago and has not even asked for his house key back. FB pictures are still posted and he still is wearing the bracelet I gave him for Christmas. I still have my personal things (hair dryer, face cream, shampoo, etc.) at his house. I am thinking he doesn’t want to cut us off all together…I think? I am just so confused. Any advice or insight would be much appricated.

October 28, 2013 at 5:18 pm
(38) broken heart says:

My boyfriend broke up with my yeasterday after nearly 2 years. He felt like he wasnt the man i needed him to be. He left because he said he wants to grow into the man i deserve, and he wants to work on himself. he said that a little further down the road he wants to get back together and that this is all for us. It just hurts so much, i have never felt so alone and lost. My biggest fear is that he will move on during this whole process. I dont know what to do :’(

November 5, 2013 at 5:37 pm
(39) So confused says:

My boyfriend and I of almost 6 years broke up about 4 months ago, we started dating after a month for almost two months. We had an argument and he says that he needs space to reflect on our relationship. He doesnt want me to see other people and he says he’s not interested in dating anyone else. But that he needs this time to figure things out. He says I can text him and call him but doesn’t want drama. I have some anger and trust issues that I have been working on. It’s been a month now, there was an incident that got out of hand on my part, but he still says he loves me and has feelings for me but needs to figure it out. He hasn’t asked for his house keys nor come to pick up his cars from my house, we don’t live together. I’m so hurt and angry but I still deeply love him. He says if I need sex he wants me to come to him and vice Versa but he doesn’t want me to think everything is ok. He is very well known in the community and has lots of female and male friends that are all involved in his life, he says he knows how to act around women and that I don’t need to worry about him seeing anyone else. But I’m so confused and scared.

November 6, 2013 at 12:24 am
(40) Betty Boo says:

My boyfriend and i have baan seeing each other 2 years, we recently broke up on his instigation (days). I feel devastated. We bacame such goos friends, best mates and we have such a similar out look in life, do common hobbies, etc. we get on brilliant, always bantering off each other. He acklowledges all this and says he still loves me and misses me.

The issue is that ive pushed for us to live together and hes had 2 relationship breakdowns where hes come out homeless and had to start again. Ive suggested multiple ways of addressing this but bottom line he likes his space and in his words can never see himself live with anyone else. The timing of living together or settling to me isnt really that important, its the never that grinds into me.

We have issues like any other couple but on thw whole we were solid, or i thought we were.

From speaking to him after the breakup hes now saying he sees me as a friend, but to me his actions dont show that. Hes recently taken on 2 contract (jobs) meaning he working excessive hours, sometime having nights and days so no real sleep. Ive told him its too much, but hes a contractor so some months he may get no work.

I think alot of our issues are that hes tired and were not doing anything other than sit in and vegitate (for 2 months).

He broke it off, but has also (prompted by me) said he needed space to think. We have had communication (instigated by me) and its not been argumentative. Im trying to stay away from contacting him to give him the space he says he needs.

Deep down im scared its for good. We have so much potential so go the whols hog. We dont generally argue so this is really the first time.

I suppose what im asking is, am i being over optimistic thinking that we’ll sort it out, am i burying my head in the sand.

i love him dearly, but if it is the end i need to get on with the grieving process and at the minute Im basically pretending its not happening,

November 8, 2013 at 3:29 am
(41) Vic says:

Hi..
My ex broke up with me, because I lied to her.. Silly lies but still a Lie.
We was together 13 years and we have a daughter.. I now understand how stupid i was to lie.. Ans know that we could have a better life this time.
But my ex has told me never ever will we get back together..
How can I convince her i am a changed man..

December 8, 2013 at 10:58 am
(42) Lynn says:

My partner of 9 years decided 3 weeks ago that she needed a break. We have had a great relationship with ups & downs like most relationships. I’ll admit I have my issues. I am difficult to talk to and to open up and that has put a strain in out relationship.she has issues as well. We have attempted to resolve these issues before which we attempted but fell back into old habits.
Finally she had enough. She says she needs time to figure herself out. What she wants with life. Work. Including me. She says we are in a rut that we are used to each other. I do not want this time off but I so see her point. We have taken each other for granted. We do love each other- she tells me that isn’t the issue. The issue is that we are accustomed to each other that at times the relationship seems more of a friendship. After seeing and talking to her practically daily, the first week was rough. I miss her dearly but I attempted to seize contact. Eventually I txt her saying I missed her which she said she did as well. We have talked since but things are not the same. I do get mixed signals. We’ve talked for hrs reminiscing & laughing like we used to. She says she misses me and that she loves me but she still needs to “find herself.” Maybe in reading too much into these signals. I don’t know. I just miss her terribly. I love her dearly but I understand her concerns. Who knows what will happen but I hope we can mend things because she is worth it.

January 8, 2014 at 2:01 pm
(43) arianna says:

I know the feeling of a breakup though ive never read the book above. i was dating my last boyfriend for almost 2 years then he broke up with me. it was over the phone late at night and he just basically said that he didnt love me anymore. its been four months since we’ve been apart we’ve had contact since then. but i always feel like im gonna push him away. ive wanted him back at times. ive always debated on whether are not i would be better off alone permeantly. hes found other relationships but they arent lasting long. hes had two girlfriends within the last four months. i dont know what to do. everyone around me thinks i should just move on. i talked to him about my feelings and he hinted they he would be able take me back but would it be the right thing to do?

January 31, 2014 at 5:04 pm
(44) sydney says:

Soo I’m in a situation we fell in love got engaged then where boyfriend and girlfriend and now where broken up.. and we live together.. but now he’s all like I want to work on us .. but were broken up.. he’s hurt me emotinally bad. So what does he mean

March 22, 2014 at 11:55 am
(45) nancy says:

My boyfriend of 1year jus brokeup with me reason are that I made him worry and made him not to trust me.it was really painful and hurting and I couldn’t eat or sleep.I love him so much but each tym I tell him dat he doesn’t reply.he still chats wit me and wants to see me.he still has my pictures on his phone nd facebook wall.am the pursuer and he is the distancer. Pls what do I do I need advice.should I stop chatin wit him and allow him miss me and make his own decisions because all responses I get from him when I beg him or try for him to come back fails all I get is harsh words from him pls I need an advice.tnks NANCY

April 12, 2014 at 6:02 pm
(46) Papaya says:

My boyfriend of 5 and a half years broke up with me yesterday! I’m devastated. He is the love of my life. The only thing he kept saying was that he was sad and depressed and didn’t love me in the same way anymore. He agreed that we could be friends and that he stopped being happy 6 months ago (that’s about the time my mom past and my life was turned upside down). He said it wasn’t about a girl and that he isn’t going to date anyone and that I’ll have a chance before another girl. He also agreed to continue to pay my part of the phone bill. The whole time we were talking about things, he was crying and wouldn’t look at me. Does this mean he still loves me and really only needs space or is this the end of our longterm relationship?

May 10, 2014 at 7:09 pm
(47) Tiffy says:

I’ve been going out with the love of my life for nearly 4 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I love him so much. He has trust and jealousy issues though. I feel like they really started after he lost his job. He’s broken up with me a few times. But it always seems out of nowhere. He always thinks I’m cheating on him. It comes from little situations with male friends. Like for example, I hung out with a male friend I hadn’t seen in years. When I told him, he was upset about it and then broke up with me months later. Recently, he said I wasn’t his girl and just cut me off. I realized he was still bothered by this Facebook comment that was completely misunderstood on his part. I’ve apologized about it, but he won’t let it go. He seems confident and won’t back down about me cheating on him. But I would NEVER cheat on him. I love him too much. I don’t want to let him go. He’s even talked about marrying me and having kids with me. I believe he really loves me, but he is not good at showing it during conflict. It’s been a month of no contact and it’s still so hard. Honestly, if we get back together we have to go to therapy. I really don’t want to lose him.

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