Lindsay asks: "I just met this guy who seems perfect on paper. Four dates into what seemed like a fairytale and he told me that he's a recovering alcoholic. He goes to AA meetings every week and says he hasn't had a drop to drink in three years. I don't want to throw something amazing away... he really does seem perfect. But I'm not sure I want to get involved with an alcoholic even if he's admitted it. Help?"
In a nutshell: I think it depends on your situation. Notice I say your situation and not the man you're dating. Why? Because the only person you can control or change is you. I don't know your history, nor am I aware if you or another family member has ever struggled with an addiction. But many, many folks who were raised in families where alcohol was a problem find that they are attracted to alcoholics in their romantic relationships. Or, they attract people where alcohol (or drugs, abuse, narcotics) are issues. Now this isn't always the case, and I'm also not saying that any of this is your fault. Its not. But it is something to be think about, be aware of, and act upon if its a theme in your life.
Dating someone with any sort of illness isn't easy, but the first step is the same: educate yourself. Learn everything you can, see how your date's alcoholism may affect you, and seek out preemptive support for when it does. Give it a few weeks or even months to make a decision to determine if dating an alcoholic is something you can do, or if its a deal breaker for you.
What say you, dear readers? Would you date an alcoholic? Have you? Are you an alcoholic? What factors should Lindsay take into account, and what do you recommend?
Related: Why Do I Need Help? He's the Alcoholic!, Al-Anon, Detachment.
I would have no problem dating a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for three years.
I would have much more trouble dating somebody who does not identify as an alcoholic, but gets trashed on Friday nights and then drives home.
It really does depend on what you’re comfortable with. A recovering alcoholic (and congratulations to him!) can’t make you do something different in your life, however they can make you think about how you live yours. Is drinking in front of him what you’re worried about? Or is it a relapse by him and how you’re going to handle it that you’re worried about? Or is it simply the fact that there’s an aspect ofhis life that he’s admitted he has no control over, yet still attempts ot control it everyday?
if you like pubs clubs and any passtime were alcohol are usualy present.. he will be always edgy ..you must watch alcohol content of food and toothpaste and even adverts on tv screens ect..ect ..it is very difficult and one drink and he will be in danger..i know cos Im the same as him..now its up to you..good luck
A recovering alcoholic is a different animal than a plain old alcoholic.
Three years sober is a very good start – I wouldn’t advise getting involved with anybody who has less time in AA than that, as it’s not good for either you or them – and there are many more years ahead in which he will be growing and changing. Recovery is a lifetime affair.
Everyone has issues – not just alcoholics. Whatever is going on, it really helps to have friends who will support you. My brother is an alcoholic and has been clean for about a dozen years. I used information about how people are totally responsible for their lives that I learned at Morehouse that enabled me to help him through his journey to living a straight life.
You must make sure that if you do decide to date this man; (he has been very honest with you from the offset) that you lay firm ground basics. A recovering alcoholic should never drink a drop. Unfortunately they cannot afford to. Tell him that if he does decide to relapse that you won’t be there the morning after. It’s a hard line but this is very important. Emotional support when they feel cravings is one thing picking up the pieces is another.
I have been in AA for 20 years. It has been the most amazing adventure. Recovering alcoholics in the program learn tools that help them build and sustain healthy relationships. They have a support system to help them survive the rough spots in life. I am presently another recovering alcoholic and have found it to be the most open, and honest relationship I’ve ever had. Many men outside the program do not know how to be open and honest .. men in the program do. Going to meetings and having a sponsor are of utmost importance to us … if you can support this and accept the absence of alcohol from your life .. date this man. He’s already shown honesty in your relationship. Go to open meetings with him and listen .. perhaps this will be the most loving and rewarding relationship you’ve ever had. Remember though .. we are all human, and nothing is perfect … unlike others, AAs have tools to work through difficult times. God bless .. go for it.
I’m a recovering alcoholic for nine years and I’d want to make sure the person has been stable for at least two years. There are some people who go in and out, and that is a dysfunctional mess. But the people who truly recover become very capable of honest, responsibility, humor and understanding. The twelve steps give people a way to live life, and from the inside looking out, I think many more people could benefit from recovery.
i like the people that lie and sneak around on the downlow and i know lots of them@ and pretend!
and you don’t even know it!
It is nice to finally see a blog with some objective insights. I have been sober for 14 years and take offense to some of the stereotyping of all recovering alcoholics are liars, manipulators…..it is just ignorance – plain and simple.
I have met some of the finest people ever in AA. There are no two recovering alcoholics that are exactly alike. The key issue in evaluating whether to date a recovering alcoholic should depend on the amount of time they have in recovery. I would say at least 5 years – and that is contingent on whether they have addressed their root causes. Many people bounce in and out for decades without commiting to sobriety and use the “recovering alcoholic’ thing like a baseball hat.
If the person is stable, can support themselves, have sought counseling to address their causes and you like them and enjoy their company then you should trust your instincts and give dating a try – you might find yourself in a solid, wonderful relationship over time.
I would love to see an opinion on this from a psychiatrist who specializes in addictions.
I have been dating a man in AA for a couple months now, I have gone to some meetings with him, and have fallen in love. I have realized that there will always be a temptation, like the other day he asked me what would happen if he drank again? I quickly realized that no matter how long he has been sober, it will always be a constant battle for him. Therefore, I need to stay strong for him, support him, and give him my strength for him to stay strong. That is something you may have to deal with as well.
But, he is honest, loving, caring, and sensitive. He doesn’t hide these things like some men tend to do. He shows his true self and expresses his fears and worries with me even thought it may hurt me. The honesty is something that I’m getting used to because it is brutal sometimes, but I am thankful to have the honesty vs. the lies.
I say go for it, try it out, don’t be scared, because in order to allow yourself to really fall in love, no matter who he is, you need to open yourself up to pain first.
Two months…you don’t know him at all. Recovery is a life long affair. AH are manipulators…loving, honest and sensitive…. will change. Honesty or manipulation? They all go through relapses. You mention love…love is not worth the price of constant despair; dysfunction and fear.
“Living with an alcoholic is like living with a time bomb – you never know when it is going to blow up. One minute they are nice – the next they are nasty. It’s like walking on egg shells. Although I knew he was a heavy drinker I never thought it would affect me so much. If I had known I would never of married him”.
I see a lot of confusion – the person who is 3 years sober is not the same as an active alcoholic. The person with that much time sober has learned how to express their feelings, that honesty is essential, that being accountable is essential and has a faith in a Higher Power. It is not a “constant struggle” if they are actually in Recovery. I am in Recovery. People who are really working their program have lost the desire to drink. That is the miracle of AA. Any person with 3 years sobriety is probably a more honest and open person than someone who never had a problem.
I have on occassion had some in my food or mouthwash and did not relapse over it. It takes more to trigger a relapse. A few sops on a drink with alcohol is another story.
I go to nightclubs, parties, etc where I am the only person not drinking. I often get bored earlier in the night than my friends. I live in New Orleans. And I find drunks extremely tiresome but that is it,