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Bonny Albo

Should She Get Her Ex Back?

By August 15, 2011

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Confusted asks: "My boyfriend and I split up over five months ago. He cheated on me and then left after three years. Its been really hard on me and I miss him more then anything. Lately he's been calling my friends trying to get back into my life. I don't know what to do at this point. I can't trust him but I feel like I can't be without him. What should I do?"

I get this question a lot, although usually there are some variations, either in the form of getting caught cheating, wondering if he/she was going to cheat, or getting back together but repeating the same issues that were present before (sometimes cheating related, sometimes not). My answer for each of these situations is quite similar: if you can't trust your partner, then you shouldn't get your ex back. Period.

Can trust be re-earned? Definitely, but it isn't a quick, easy or terribly pleasant path for anyone involved when cheating is a factor, in my experience. The person who behaved poorly has to recognize their mistake(s), admit responsibility, get help with whatever behavior led them to the breach of trust, and then actively work with their partner regularly to ensure it never happens again. But the other person isn't off the hook either, they'll still need to review how their actions contributed to the situation - just as long as dating violence wasn't a factor - and work through any unfinished business as well.

Are either of you willing or able to move through this process together? I can't tell for sure from what you've shared, but my hunch is telling me no. Your ex could merely be curious as to how you're doing, and you are still very invested in making your ex your boyfriend again - without having worked through the breakup, as you state you "can't be without him". Frankly, you can be without him, and you already have been for the past five months. Don't put your romantic life on hold for this man who couldn't uphold his commitment to you, and work towards moving on from this painful relationship. I know it's not easy, but you must in order to get ready to date once more, in order to find someone you can trust and adore.

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Comments
August 16, 2009 at 1:11 am
(1) Jen says:

Nice article, I was in the same situation in the past

August 16, 2009 at 5:02 pm
(2) Mark Brooks says:

You really get to know someone when they’re leaving you. For whatever reason… a serious bust up. A parting. You get true insight on a persons nature when they leave you. So how did he leave? Was it respectfully, and with sorrow and apologies. Or was it a flaming bust up where he called you everything and several items of furniture got broken. Or something in the middle? Have a serious think about that period, when you were parting ways. He would really be showing you who he is, at that particular phase in your relationship. Based on that. Would you consider a repeat of that behavior. Not the actual infidelity. I’m not talking about that, so much as the way he dealt with the stress of parting with you. Consider that period carefully.

Also, once a liar, always a liar. Did he look you right in the eye and tell you ;I’m not cheating.’ Or did he lie by ommission. Did you simply not ask the question. Just how bad were his lies. Could you consider going through those kinds of lies again. Chances are, you will, if you get back together with him.

So on both these counts, consider what behaviors are acceptable to you. What people say, and what they mean are two different things. How they behave gives you the biggest insight on who they are. And who they are, doesn’t change too quickly, too often.

Good luck.

August 19, 2009 at 7:23 pm
(3) Brad Young says:

Date him if you want but date others too.

August 20, 2009 at 3:02 pm
(4) Chancha felix says:

love with a sincere heart, it is for the best of you.

January 5, 2010 at 12:56 pm
(5) How To French Kiss A Girl says:

It’s difficult to believe the people used to date without the internet, isn’t it? No online tips and no teeting / matching services!!
Within the space of a generation, the whole paradigm was shifted 360 degrees.
I am not dating any more, as I found my soulmate a while ago, but I would imagine it’s a whole lot easier nowadays…

February 28, 2014 at 11:32 pm
(6) how to get someone back says:

Trying to make your ex jealous is one of the worst points you can do if you intend to get back with your ex lover,
since all it is going to do is reveal him that you have moved
on which he should do the very same. As an alternative, you
want him to believe that he was the most effective thing in
your life, and that nobody compares to what he needed to
provide you. By increasing his assurance without appearing desperate, he will soon
understand both of you were excellent with each other in
spite of the tiny fight or differences. Stay clear of
getting upset if he is seeing a person else, due
to the fact that you won’t be able to quit it no concern what you try.

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