Confused City Girl asks, "I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months now whom I met from a Craigslist ad that I had posted stating that I was looking for an awesome boyfriend. This guy replies with an awesome e-mail and was very cute too so I make plans to go out on a date with him. We clicked immediately and have been seeing each other since then. We have been to concerts together, spent many nights together, planned a vacation next month, I have even met his family and they love me.
A while ago I noticed that his Facebook and MySpace claim he is still single. I didn't let it bother me too much but I did feel a bit hurt. Recently I have noticed that his text messages are less frequent and much less romantic than they had been. He has also been claiming to need a lot of alone time because he has only been out a long term relationship a few months longer than knowing me.
Last weekend I was at his apartment like normal and went on his computer which is also normal. I noticed in his browser that there was a new saved link that was for OKCupid and I decided to click on it. Well, it automatically signed me into his account that was full of new pictures and a ton of e-mails back and forth with numerous women. He has corresponded with well over 50 women since meeting me. He also sent out an e-mail saying he was looking for a woman to wine and dine and possibly pleasure while he was away on business. He has recently met women for drinks and has told me nothing of it and also told me many of nights we aren't together that he is just hanging out at home or playing music (he is in a band) and so forth.
I was very upset and devastated, so I called him on the phone and tell him to come home if he can and he does. He tells me that he just wants to make sure that I am the right one for him and that he does not have the same feelings for any of these women like he does for me. He says he had planned on dating a lot of different women before he met me. He says that he probably loves me and definitely adores me and that he is almost ready to just be with me. He does not feel like he did anything wrong because he never specifically told me that he was not dating other people. I will admit that I assumed that he wasn't because he seems so into me.
My question is this: do you think he is just wanting his cake and to eat it too or do you really think he just wants to date around to make sure he is doing the right thing with me? Do you think will stop this seemingly obsessive online dating when/if he does decide to just be with me? I am so very confused and very hurt and just wanting advice. I am very much in love with this guy and had planned a ton of nice things for his upcoming birthday as well as the vacation we are supposed to go on next month."
Desiree, I feel your pain, and so, my answer will be quick and to the point: if he's not exclusively dating you and can't agree to it now, then it's time for you to take a huge step back. Sure, you didn't have the exclusivity talk, but you both can take responsibility for that one. He didn't tell and you didn't ask. But if he's not willing to be your boyfriend (and it sounds like that's the only acceptable situation for you - nothing wrong with that), then don't let him be and don't treat him like one anymore. Cancel your vacation together and any other big plans, and then let him know that if or when he's ready to start being exclusive with you, you can talk more. Until then, stay busy, lean heavily on your friends, and let him explore his harem solo.
Bang on answer, Bonny.
This girl’s clearly being played while she’s looking for more.
She needs to move on – as difficult as that may seem – until she meets the right guy for her right now, or this guy grows up and wants to make a commitment.
I disagree Vanguy. If they had an “exclusive” agreement, you would be right. But she “assumed” he wasn’t still looking. Not the same thing. So I would say, if you want to be the only one, say so. If he agrees, than he has to stop looking. If he doesn’t agree, then she has to either settle for what he’s willing to give, or, better yet, keep looking for her match.
Enough already with the abuse. If you are dating a man, having sex with a man you really should not have to ask if you are exclusive. In this day and age with HIV’s that will kill you only an abusive jerk would not be honest and upfront about what he’s doing when you’re not around. Women do not have ESP and magical powers that’s why it’s up to the men in our lives to be honest and up front with us. He does not appreciate you, he’s looking for someone “better” but in case he doesn’t find it he still wants someone to use and abuse. Kick the looser to the curb. No second chance, no hope for a future. He blew it! Do exactly what he is doing, set up a profile on a good dating site, go out with your friends and have fun, he will be nothing but a bad memory soon enough.
You know what to do. He is a liar and a pig and he is playing you. Where is your self respect? I’d tell him to hit the road.
I agree totally!
Confused City girl,
I can tell, you are an amazing women or else he wouldn’t have kept you around.
As women we feel the need to give all of ourselves to a man. We think we care about this man. But if he was doing this to our best friend we would be telling her “he is a major douche and that she deserves better”. Right?
We give our all to a man. However in the end this ruins the so called relationship. If he really had mutual feelings for you he would never start dating other women online or in person.
It’s like men think they have to have it all. It’s like they are missing out on something when they commit to one person.
A real man will know, you are a gem and that there’s no way in hell any other man will get his hands on you…
A real man doesn’t take you for granted; he always treats you as a lady and takes care of you.
If he is pushing you away to date other women; give him just what he wants. Let him date these low class women.
Let him realize what an idiot he was. Because honey he will it may take a few months maybe even a year.
By then you may have grown just enough to let go and realize you deserved better than his sloppy seconds.
Don’t let him fool you, he’s a dog and should be sleeping in the dog house. If you really love him let him go. Let him do his thing and you do yours love yourself and be free to date someone who is in to you 100%.
You may have to let him chase you longer than you like but it works. Men love the chase and when we give them what they want they are done with us and move on to the next women they hump and dump.
Good luck sweetie, you deserve the best.
I am the mother of a 21 year old son. No sweetie, men do not love the chase and then hump and dump us when they get what they want. You are exercising a predjudice when you generalize all men into one category. That’s like saying all women are needy and insecure. How is it you plan on having a close intimate relationship with a man when you harbour such bitterness? All men are not the same. There are also some pretty pathetic women out there who will treat a man like crap and then dump him. Do you think a hooker who spends her days having sex with married men for money is a reflection on the whole female gender? Of course not, just as some jerks do not represent all men.
Thank you fed up!
I am a 26 year old guy who agrees with you that all men are not the same!
I consider myself a good guy and have tried to communicate with a girl that I really liked about a small misunderstanding or conflict that I had with them and they automatically blacklisted me for being some kind of jerk or asshole that they went out with in the past!
Tip for the ladies! being negative around guys and acting like complete bitches will only make us guys think that thank god im not in a relationship with them,
Who wants to be listening to women whining and complaining and being negative all the time?
I’ve moved on and met a wonderful girl who’s very positive, honest and who I like a lot, I think men move on because they dont want the drama
If they just want sex then forget them
Mike
Thank you all for your comments! I have found out even more bad news about this guy since my submission. He has met women from Craigslist for casual sex and from Chemistry.com for dates. I thought I could handle letting him be with other people and still see him because I do love him. But, I know I need to end things because if I don’t respect myself and i let him do whatever he wants then he will not respect me. I am also finding myself to be very passive agressive towards him and myself. I keep beating myself up over this and feeling like a loser who isn’t good enough, it is so hard. I have never dealt with anything like this before. I have been in some bad relationships before but they ended with closure and mutually for the most part. Here I have someone telling me that he is going to be very sad if I leave him and that his feelings for me are very real and genuine. I also have feelings of love towards him so walking away feels very painful. But all the while he is killing me emotionally. I know that while I was away visiting my family and going to my grandma’s funeral he was seeking out sex and dates from multiple people. It is like he cannot be alone ever but that is what he probably needs more than anything. I know that if I leave him that he will probably just keep on dating and having one-night stands and probably even replace me with a steady “girlfriend” type of person too. It breaks my heart because I felt this guy was really, really into me and really did care about me. I have never seen someone be so two-faced in my life. Anyway, thanks for the advice and support. I know what I need to do and I think I have the strength to do it.
Awww, he will be sad if you leave?
Too bad, so sad.
It’s time to say ByeBye to this piece of trash, you are worth so much more than this.
Some where the right one waits.
Go find him.
And, have fun until you do.
Good luck honey. Hey most of us have been there. Trust me in a few months to a year. You will tell yourself. “What was i thinking”.
He probably is doing the same thing to most of these other women. So just wait he will get his karma and honey it will be full on.
Good luck.
Sorry to hear that you had to go through such a painful experience. Good people are tough to find these days for certain.
Typical man, but if the shoe was on the other foot you would be considered the tramp of the year. I don’t care if neither of you talked about being exclusive, the point is he treated you as if you guys were exclusive. My advice to you is to run as fast as you can because he doesn’t want you, he just wants to use you for his rebound chick if the others don’t work out. You’re convient for him to have sex when he can’t get it from anyone else. Remember, never come off as being clingy or needy because that pushes guys away easily, and in this case that’s what you should want. Stay strong and move on.
She needs to move on. He is looking to play, and the fact that she called him to drop what he was doing to come home and discuss it makes her look a bit psycho. Which will probably push him further away.
You should dump him immediately. He is a cheater and a liar and full of s**t. This is not the way you deserve to be treated and he knows it. He is using you because he is to afraid to be alone and meanwhile sleeping with everyone. Forget this person and change your number.
Dear confused girl..
You will be alright.. it’s better that you found out now then later..And for the furture always stay ahead of the game..Men are nasty, and will lie, cheat, and manipulate..so for me as a women that has been hurt plenty of times…I just think like a dude.. and in my eyes ALL men are the same…And Until I meet that one person that will change the way I feel about men..I will always keep my heart protected.. You will know when the right guy come around..
Keep ya head up baby girl..
You sound like a lovely person who deserves a lot better than an immature cheater. I disagree with Mudlake, who said, “the fact that she called him to drop what he was doing to come home and discuss it makes her look a bit psycho. Which will probably push him further away.”
Even if you hadn’t had “the talk”, you definitely had the impression that you two were a couple, especially since you had planned a vacation together. You certainly had no clue that he was actively meeting so many other women, and having sex with them. On top of everything else, you now have to get yourself tested for STDs and HIV, and frankly, that is the worst part of this whole business.
Four months is enough time to decide if you want to be exclusive with someone, and a person who is really serious about a relationship would treat you much more respectfully. He would NOT be seeking out other women.
Thank you so very much for you question! I just signed onto this site to hopefully get advice on near the EXACT same situation! Even 4 months timeline too, Except “my man” tells me he loves me and I havent confirmed that he has had sex with anyone but I know for a fact he went to meet another girl from a dating site….
We’ve talked about our future together, we’ve had great trips together and have two planned in the next three months!
The funny thing is… my situation… he actually went to “meet” a girl, but low and behold, she and I have a mutual friend! She knew before the “meeting” that he was “in a relationship” and we were “unofficially” living together! (and that was his decision, he asked me to move in and talks about us getting married!) So, she stands him up, never shows!!!!
I was traveling at the time so he was “safe” if he went and met her… He texted me before the date and after about 35 minutes of waiting on her…. Then also sent her an email telling her he “showed up and hoped everyting was ok with her” and gave her his phone number to call him because he “really wanted to meet her”.
I flew in that night! He knew my flight schedule and he was a bit distant and had cologne on… I said, “wow, you smell good”.. he said “I knew you were coming home sweetie!”
I’ve NEVER told him I knew about him planning a date with another woman… but I did move my things out and told him my stuff was scattered too many places and I just needed to sort and organize and stay at my house a bit and take a deep breath, that we moved so very fast….
I care about him! We have so much fun together! ANd the s*x is AMAZING! But now I fear for my health and that is interfering with our intimacy! We’ve both pulled back a bit but still care for each other and pretend nothing is wrong…
SOOOOO, the thing that is eating at me is… the girl sent him an email telling him why she didnt show up, that she knew someone that knew me and knows he is in a commited”relationship” with me and we’re living together and told him he was a cheater and liar! He emailed her back!!
HIS return EMAIL is what is eating at me and has me so confused!!!!!!!!!! (of course the girls forwarded it to me!) He never denied being in a relationship or living with me but said he “thought it was a test because he knows who her friend is… He showed up to see who was going to show up… and as far as the relationship goes… he’s been nothing BUT committed!”
I buy it!!!!! He still doesnt know I know or have read the email! I dont know what to do or think!!!!!!
Is he a cheater and liar? or is he just playing that “he knew it was a test” card to see if it blows over… but remember… he doesnt know I know any of this……..
I guess I just need to tell him I know and ask him what “we” are… are we exclusive or free to date? I think I’m ok with being free to date others…. and I dont want to walk away from him or our “fun”…. am I being stupid too? I’m so confused! Did he cheat or not? One of my married male friends told me he probably thought it was me and we were “role” playing and that’s why he did show up… and that’s before he sent the reply email to her!!!!
I agree with all of you when you advise to drop him off and move on. Problem is, when a person is in love it is easier said then done. Knowing that the relationship is not excusive, that he is not taking it to the next level, does hurt a lot. It doesn’t make one stop loving a person right away. I would go the slow route, dimishing contact, slowly withdrawing emotionally, until one is not in love with this person anymore.