Julian asks: "I have been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now, and since the beginning we have been having sex. All of a sudden though, she tells me that she does not want to "disrespect" her body and that she does not want us having sex anymore. I feel like she should not have made such a big decision that affects both of us without even talking to me about it beforehand. I love her very much and to me the sex was a way of showing that love. It seems to me that if a relationship was sexually active, and that factor is suddenly taken away, the relationship can't be expected to be the same. Any advice?"
I agree that your relationship with your girlfriend cannot be the same as it was before, as what sounds like a big part of the way the two of you share your affection was through sexual intercourse has now been removed from the equation. However, I think that having sex or not having sex isn't the question.
Yes, it would have been much easier and kinder if your girlfriend to have talked to you about what was going through her mind before she made a decision. When you enter into a relationship with someone, part of that process is agreeing that any major decisions that affect the both of you are discussed, first. Someone gets offered their dream job 400 miles away, an ex invites you to their wedding, or who to spend the holidays with are all conversations better had, together, before a decision has been made.
Sex however is a tricky one, because for many people it is very difficult to talk to their partner about their needs and wants. Using the word "disrespect" tells me that your girlfriend has been struggling with this for some time and needs you to understand her dilemma. It wasn't easy for her I'm sure to tell you about her decision, but I'll hazard a guess that it had very little to do with you. Rather, some outside force is "telling" her that sex is shameful, bad or not to be shared with someone she isn't married to. Problem is, it doesn't sound like you know which category her decision falls into.
Ask her why she feels sex is disrespectful to her body, and try to really listen to what she's saying. I know its difficult to hear from the person you love that they want to stop an important aspect of your relationship, but if you want to make things work with this woman, you are going to have to bite your tongue (and pride) and find out the reasons why she feels this way. When did this become a problem, and why? What is she hoping to gain from not having sex with you anymore? Is all affection off limits (kissing, touching, hand holding), or just sex itself? Has she talked to a mental health professional, medical expert, sex therapist or someone in her religion and/or family about her decision?
Once you have a better idea as to what the reasoning is behind her decision, you can sit down together and talk about how a sexless relationship will affect the both of you, and whether or not it is something you can go back to. I know of women who have stopped having sex with their partners to prompt a marriage proposal, others who have found a religious calling, and yet others who were feeling depressed and didn't find sex at all satisfying anymore. Whatever her reason, you'll have to weigh your feelings on the matter, see if the two of you can come to a compromise (or at the very least get some professional help on the matter), and if not, determine whether or not your relationship can evolve into something new or if it is time for the two of you to part ways.
Related: Should We Take This Relationship To The Next Level Or Breakup?, The Problem of Desire in Long Term Relationships.
My take on it is that the word “disrespectful” is one to watch out for. It sounds like she has decided something that wont be in your interests. Shes upset for some reason or other, maybe too much dr phil, maybe one of her friends or family gave her a hard time, or who knows what else.
I wouldnt rush into marrying her if it is like this or you could end up in a sexless marriage. Sort it out before you consider taking the relationship further.
Sex is an integral part of a healthy relationship between two able adults.
He should go find another woman….
Any man who tolerates abstinence by his intimate female partner is co-dependent.
hate to break it to you, but she could be interested in someone else
Heres why I commented here. DUDE, RUN NOW BEFORE FACING FURTHER DISRESPECT! What she means is that she cant sleep with two people at the same time and disrespect herself. It has nothing to do with you so make sure it doesnt… RUN!
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I totally agree than she should have talked things over a but more before just declaring she didn’t want sex anymore.
I don’t think she would have said that for no good reason, so I would get her to a relationship counselor, to at least get to the root of the problem.
As a woman, I believe the ssex was not as good for her as you may think. If it was good she couldn’t cut it off so fast. She is missing something in the relationship and I bet it is an orgasm. Are you out for number one and not taking care of her needs? I guarentee this is the real problem and she doesn’t know any other way to address it. She has prabally tried and you did not hear her needs.
I don’t think that sex is that important in a relationship before marrige,.,.,.,.,.. if you had heard her word ‘disrespect……..!’ than i think respecting her should be you first prefrence “if you reeely love her” & sex.,.,.,.,.,! is the thing you can wait for may be she is just checking you that do you reely love her or you are just using her for sex(you know girlz just think like that) & may be after a month or two if you will talk to her may be she’ll listen but for now you should listen to her &show her that you love her unconditionaly &you respect her feelings…
if you reely love her dont let her go coz you can have many girlz n lot of sex too but you can’t find your love again………….
What does disrespect mean? Listen to her definition and be prepared to bail. A person with this type of conflict may not ever be able to become the lover your want and need. Too many people get this after a commitment. Remember when there are changes in the rules then negotiation is called for. If it is not satisfactory to you then leave!
Wow, judging by Jean’s comment, she sounds like a very self-centered bitch. Don’t listen to her, as she’s trying to emasculate you. Your sole purpose sexually is not to “please” your partner. Sex is mutual and I think a lot of women forget about that. She owes as much to you as you do to her.
She sounds like a very, very selfish person. Digging any deeper will lead into nothing but convoluted excuses on her part. You’ll never really know. One thing you do know from this is that she’s very selfish and you should run. Don’t hesitate, just break it off. Women like this will never respect men or their needs.