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Bonny Albo

Is It Ok To Occasionally Hit Your Girlfriend?

By April 10, 2012

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It's rare that a dating question riles me up, but few years back someone posted a question in the dating forums still has me steamed.

I don't normally hit my girlfriend but when she starts b*tching at me but I just can't stand it anymore. The woman just deserves a smack when I don't want to deal with her. How do I make my girlfriend stop nagging me?

I answered his question already with a standard "break up and get help" reply, but I think there is a greater issue and debate at stake here. Yes, the poster could just be a schmuck looking to rile me and the other dating forum members up, and it is unlikely that he actually smacks his girlfriend around when she annoys him. But - what if he does? Just the possibility has kept me up many a night.

And, it is entirely possible that he's serious. If I look at recent studies, dating violence is still a silent yet rampant destructive force in many dating relationships. One U.S. Department of Justice report stated that 20 out of every 1,000 women between the ages of 16-24 have experienced dating violence. Another posted in the Journal of Contemporary Justice showed 34% of all college students have experienced dating violence in a previous relationship, and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence contends that 71% of rape or sexual assault victims knew their offenders.

These statistics all hit close to home for me personally, as I too have also experienced dating violence first hand. Approximately five years ago, a man I met from a dating site followed me home unawares and forced himself on me. Luckily one of my upstairs roommates heard my cries for help and intervened before anything serious happened. My first serious relationship was also a physically abusive one, which pains me to this day since I'd always thought of myself as too smart to endure any dating violence whatsoever. By the time I realized I was in danger however I was trapped. I was able to extricate myself when several coworkers noticed my sudden behavioral change and called the police.

Because of my own personal experiences, I have to wonder how many victims of dating violence are suffering in silence. I know that anytime I've answered polls on this subject, I forget that I was once a victim myself, thereby underreporting and skewing the final results somewhat. How many others - men and women - have done the same? I can only imagine there are more men who are underreporting than women, considering the added shame involved.

So with this in mind, I will do everything in my power to determine if the dating forum poster is just pulling my chain or if he is actually a violent man who thinks "occasionally" hitting his girlfriend is okay when she nags him too much. But you tell me. What would you do?

Related Content: Textathon Raises Awareness to Reduce Dating Violence in Youth, Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship, Share How You Got Out of an Abusive Relationship.


U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics. (2001) Special Report Intimate Partner Violence and Age of Victim, 1993-1999. Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office.

Dating Violence: Facts. Retrieved April 24, 2008 from http://www.ncadv.org/files/datingviolence.pdf

C. Sellers and M. Bromley. "Violent Behavior in College Student Dating Relationships," Journal of Contemporary Justice. (1996)

April 25, 2008 at 3:26 am
(1) Faramir says:

I say, that there is a truth behind the man beating up his boyfriend. We’ve got to ask, where did it come from? Did it start at home, with his father abusing his mother? Or was it from school while growing up? Or did he develop that because he couldn’t deal with his own anger internally? The only way to stop abuse, is to resolve the issue that came up during these incidents before. That’s the only natural, healthy way. Fara

April 25, 2008 at 6:11 am
(2) Raymond says:

Maybe I’m traditional, but I was raised to never hit a woman for the fact they are physically weaker than men. I don’t think it’s sexist to say that either (I’m only talking about physically weaker).

If a guy wants to push someone around, he perhaps should try taking a swing at another male. I guarantee you, a fist will be responded in kind.

April 25, 2008 at 10:38 am
(3) Christina says:

I totally agree with you, Raymond!
What a pityful creature is unable to express what he thinks and feels verbally?
With that attitude towards women he can hardly be considered a civilized person; rather, he belongs into the zoo.

April 26, 2008 at 4:29 pm
(4) Cydnei says:

The question should be, is it okay for your girlfriend to have someone beat you down twice daily every day for the rest of your life?

April 27, 2008 at 10:29 am
(5) dave says:

people, let’s be real. why is it okay for a woman to nag at you all day and not get hit. it is just like when your dog pees in your house, of course your going to smack it with a rolled up newspaper, so maybe the guy shouldn’t hit her with his fists maybe he should keep a rolled up newspaper around. How else is she going to learn to stop nagging him.

June 15, 2011 at 4:28 am
(6) Matt says:

ARE YOU ON CRACK!!!! Sounds more like your the DOG that needs to be beat with a rolled up news paper! What an ass. NEWSFLASH PUNK REAL MEN DONT HIT THEIR WOMEN. Guess my d*** is just bigger than yours homie. You impotent jerk!

November 10, 2011 at 12:10 am
(7) Johnny B Goode says:

Sometimes you gotta hit a bitch.

April 27, 2008 at 11:50 am
(8) Lynn says:

I think to be honest with you, that if the girl is nagging him that much he should just leave her. And you know what, maybe he was reaching out for advice, and using the “hitting” out of context. But what about the girls out there that smack their boyfriends, I see it in public all the time, a girl will get mad her man and smack him in the arm, or on the head or where ever, is that ok??? Or is it just another double standard. And by the way I am a female, and I have been abused by a man, and believe it is wrong for anyone to be hit. So before you girls go off on this guy for asking, ask yourself how many of you have hit your man when he has pissed you off?? And I hate to say it verbal abuse from woman is wrong as well, just as it is wrong from a man. So please think twice before saying things to people or judging. Like I said I am a woman and don’t believe in hitting anyone or anything. not even my dog or cat. But if a woman hits a man, she better be prepared for him to hit her back in self defense.. or if she doesn’t know when to shut up and stop nagging him when he asks her to stop, be prepared for him to leave you or start bitching and nagging you.

May 1, 2008 at 11:20 am
(9) David Strong says:

You, Bonnie, should get his ISP and report him to the local police. There is not only no reason ever to hit a woman, especially if you are a man, there is in fact no reason ever to hit anyone. That is assault. There may be a rare instance of so-called “self defense,” but it is rare when any situation demands hitting someone. He sounds so sure of his reasoning that he needs to be stopped before he kills someone.

May 1, 2008 at 1:21 pm
(10) dating says:

I did report this post, as David suggested, as soon as I read it (and took other measures as well). I also updated the rules of the forum to read that posts of this nature would be reported to the authorities.

May 6, 2008 at 10:27 pm
(11) Marc says:

As a male – I’ll state my opinion briefly – It is never OK for a ANYONE to hit another in ANY relationship.

May 15, 2008 at 6:58 am
(12) Glen says:

I’m a martial artist and throughout my life i’ve been around violence, but controlled violence.
Hitting your partner, in my opinion is wrong whether its the man or the woman. I look at women as equal, not ‘Lower than men cos men are physically bigger’ and i would never hit a woman and if a woman hit/kicked me i’d defend myself to the point i could stop her but i wouldnt hit her. In relatioonships i dont think that violence is an answer to anything.Your in that relationship because you love them not so you can hit them. I was finding relationships annoying as the women always used me so now i dont date.
But ne, i cant say i believe its ever ok to hit someone cos there bugging you but if they hit you then ending it is for me the only option. Women should never feel lower then men either-1 good kick in the nuts and he wont hit you again.

September 7, 2009 at 7:03 am
(13) Christopher says:

It is never ok to hit a woman, period. Point. Blank.

November 3, 2009 at 4:57 pm
(14) Torn says:


Let’s say a woman has zero respect for you, you want to break up with her but she wont let you leave physically. Let’s say she verbally abuses you to the point of a mental break down tugging your heart back and forth and pushes you physically all over the room because you want to break up with her. she destroys your belongings in your home in the process, threatens to kill herself, lies about having a baby then tells you in the same sentence she had a miscarriage, then tries to physically jump out of a window. This isn’t made up, sadly its one of the many horrible and taxing events that happens to me in my relationship. I ended up hurting her pushing her away from me trying to leave, and then trying to keep her from jumping out of a 16th floor window. She would stand in the door way and physically block me from exiting or she would take my things and lock me out. Things that I need (money, phone, etc…) Then she would slap me and punch me…. finally after she did all of this and started calling my family a joke, which had nothing to do with the situation, and me a disappointment as a son and I person I snapped and I slapped her. She flipped and threatened to call the police. I am now currently wondering what to do, but tell me that an event like this is fair? I believe that women are equal and I too was raised to believe its never okay to hit a woman. but never in my wildest dreams would I have ever seen this coming. I believe that women are equal and you should never have to hit anyone in a relationship, but I also too believe that there is a line, not by gender but as a human being that should not be crossed because of the psychotic demands and torture from a bipolar and violent woman. women and men are equal right? If you pushed a man or hit a man would a man cry and file for abuse or hit the assaulting person back. If someone you thought you loved was hitting you and insulting your mother at the same time would you not want to at least slap them for the effort… the pain…. and the time and all the relationship meant to before she tore it from you and left it in your face in pieces.

I am sorry but I believe that if a woman thinks she can get away with abuse just because she is a woman I think she will cause more damage and trouble than any slap or shove back in response to her abuse. I have never wanted to hit someone so much in my life and I believe that the illusion of a helpless woman is being used and abused by women who know that they can get away with it.

Why do I have to swear and promise I would never hit a woman when she hits me. If anything the knowledge that I cannot to a woman is empowerment, because it renders the threat and consequence of abuse to woman who doesnt care nonexistant.

May 5, 2010 at 8:57 am
(15) alex says:

Every man knows that some girls (maybe 30%) are really crazy bitches who will abuse and mentally torture you just because they (are in a bad mood) and if this is the case when your girlfriend is completely out of control a side to side slapping motion (never punch a girl) is acceptable. Girls sometimes lose control of themselves and they will be in such a out of control rage that anything you say to them will not register. At this time they cannot separate logic from emotion. this is a situation where such is acceptable. followed by an explanation and a demand that she get herself under control and discuss the problem like an adult. If you live in America the girls mentality may be that they have a right to abuse you and you have no right to do anything back and if you touch them they can call the police. Well luckily i don’t live in America. My girlfriend is one of the 30% and sometimes i use the side to side technique on her. After she is back under control she will never blame me and usually realizes that she deserved much more than what i gave her, for the way she acted. If your girlfriend is hitting you repeatedly (a lot do hit their boyfriends) a palm strike on the forehead can yield good result, stunning the girlfriend and allowing you to lead her toward a chair to sit down and discuss. the most important thing in a relationship is communication. and often times girls lose the ability to communicate and become irrational and this is when a side to side or palm strike is necessary. As the more rational sex it is your duty to constantly evaluate yourself and ensure that it is your girlfriend that is being unreasonable and not you. Never beat a girlfriend in revenge no matter how much she deserves it, instead try using behavioral therapy or techniques such as the time out. Good luck

May 13, 2010 at 12:52 pm
(16) chris says:

so the man is just supposed to take all the verbal and sometimes physical abuse is he?? if you push anyone far enough they will break. the women scream for equal rights when it suits them. its not right to just hit them for pleasure but in self defence and if provoked enough it should be their fault if they get hit back!

October 12, 2010 at 1:10 am
(17) girl says:

it is never ok for anyone to hit anyone in a relationship what so ever. If it goes overboard in any way, just break up
with him/her.

October 22, 2010 at 9:07 pm
(18) some1 says:

It is not okay to hit a woman with a closed fist, but once she breaks the physical barrier there is nothing wrong with pushing her off of you or to the ground to break the physical attack. I do believe there is a double standard here and while I personally would never punch a woman ALL women should be prepared to be hit back if they hit a man.

December 2, 2010 at 6:55 pm
(19) YouAreAllIdiots says:

You all need to calm the F*** down. ANY one that touches me is gettin a falcon punch right in the gut. law of the land- dont take s*** from nobody. i dont care if a guy be hating or a girl. u bes b able to put yo money where yo mouth is, cause thas how the hood be rollin nowadays.

bottom line, if you dont want no s***, then dont start no s***.

especially them dam girls who get up in my grill. i smak em cause they obviously be threatening me.

February 21, 2011 at 11:22 pm
(20) l;asldkf says:

what i am saying is you should never hit a girl . there is some instances where you do feel rage . for instance i’ve been in a relationship where the girl does go crazy and acts like she was a child and never owns up to anything that is ugly, i try my best to control her and myself while we get into heated conversations, but it doesnt click with her for some reason when she doesnt pay attention to solving the situation but pays too much attention to her anger. Yes there has been times where she had hit or slapped me and there has been times where i’ve gotten to the border line of going upside her head to put her in place. But two wrongs dont make a right, as a man you should have control over anger even when its not your fault because it shows that a man should lead by example even if your doing it alone. it does get stressing to the point where you do have to tell her to stop or that she is close to getting hit even if you say it out of anger, and personally i do feel that saying to a girl “stop it because you are really close to getting hit” or somthing around those lines, it shows that you are upset and that you do have that feeling of doing somthing you will regret , even though its controversial you should just tell her before so she can leave the situation before it gets out of hand , and telling her that is a more logical explanation . if your telling her that she is about to get hit and she is still yelling than thats her fault because you told her that you were upset and that she is getting on your nerves than just hitting the girl out of no where, at least you warned her. if it does get to the point she is still talking after the fact just leave the place because sooner or later when she calms down she will know what she did wrong and will apologize. never hitt a girl even though it gets tough just do the best you can !GOOD LUCK WITH THESE FEMALES

March 3, 2012 at 12:50 am
(21) paulie says:

As soon as you hit her she will have the option of calling the police on you . do you have a job , family or anywhere you need to be? You will not make it there on a 48 hour hold waiting to see the judge and see if she is going to drop the charges.

If you do not have a job this might be a great step up because there are many city and state programs dedicated to saving domestic violence victims and she might take advantage.
if you are working you will be spending a chunk of the next paycheck trying to say “sorry” because as soon as you hit her you will see that she will immediately stop nagging and immediately start crying uncontrollably for days.
She might decide to start crying outside when she isn’t with you and some guy asks her “whats wrong?” And she tells her sob story and he knows shes vulnerable and hits jackpot .

April 9, 2012 at 5:50 am
(22) Anon says:

All these self righteous people that say ” a real man never hits a woman” or “i guarantee that guy will get his a** beat by me” piss me off. If a spouse continually abuses another spouse regardless of gender or the channel of abuse, THAT is wrong and the couple should separate and seek help. If a spouse in a moment of anger hits a another spouse, and recognizes his wrongdoing and apologizes, then its just a mistake. We’re all humans we all make mistakes. No need to be self righteous about it. The way I see it, abuse, infidelity, these are all mistakes that come with the passions of love, real love that is. We’re all going to make mistakes what defines ones character is what he chooses to do after the mistake is committed. Im not saying hitting someones right but neither is sitting behind a computer screen acting like you’re the perfect spouse, and if you happen to be the perfect spouse, rubbing it in someone else’s face can hardly be called constructive either. Chances are most of you have gotten physical with a spouse or even close friend or sibling or family member before, so stop with all this s*** talking and post CONSTRUCTIVE comments, you don’t know who could potentially be reading the crap you guys post!

April 22, 2012 at 10:12 am
(23) Joe says:

Paulie, what you just said was completely stupid! I feel stupider for reading that dumbass comment. I haven’t met a woman yet that wasn’t in need of a good smack to the face. I’m not saying I’d ever do it, I just dont feel bad for most women, after all they brought it on themselves!

April 24, 2012 at 1:04 pm
(24) Jay says:

Hmm, it’s not cool to hit anyone but some women can be very emotionally abusive and this seems this isn’t considered much of an issue. Wrong is wrong be it woman, man, black, white etc, etc.

May 22, 2012 at 4:17 am
(25) Victor says:

My girlfriend likes to hit me for fun, now i get that she likes to feel impowered but it hurts now i know what you gonna say, such it up and be a man! well its not that it hurts its that she can over do it and i tell her to stop but she insist and continues with the abuse, now i dont hit girls for the fact i was raised with old-fashion folks, but sometimes she can over do the abuse that i get the urge to hit her but what i do is grab her and pull her in with force and kiss her bitting her lips so she can stop but it doesn’t work. she just like taking the advantage that she a girl and im a guy and i cant hit her, it get me angry! so what should i do?? im not gonna break-up with her, i do love her, and i tried talking to her but she just mocks me saying im to sensative which angers me even more and irriatates me!! i dont know how long i can put up with before i might do something i’ll regret!

August 6, 2012 at 4:11 pm
(26) Hua says:

Every time i mentioned break up, my girlfriend just go f*kin’ crazy, she slapped me like 10 more on my face, kick me with her leg, what i do is just hold her hand tightly, but she knock me with her head, and spit on my face, also bite my and scratch me at my arm. i’ve no idea whether i should beat her up back, she’s really pissed me off.

August 9, 2012 at 1:43 pm
(27) caged says:

i am in same situation as Hua and i have no idea how to deal with this fuc*** situation; i even don’t mention breakup, she just imagine it in her head then turns violent and uncontrollable and even start hurting herself, i have no idea what to do; if i let her keep going she will end up killing herself maybe or something she’s totally crazy she even told me she hate herself, if i control her by force she will call the cops and i am in big trouble and tagged as woman beater and all that crap bla bla bla; if i call the cops what do i tell them “she’s beating me” i am f**** double her size even when shes wearing high heals her head is below my shoulder whos gonna buy that, i can’t run away as i have my job and everything here; if i tell her to seek some medical help or something that would be enough to trigger her craziness, what the f*** do i do with that..
All those people that talk about domestic violence have no f***** idea what they are talking about, however, i don’t blame them since i was thinking like them until i ended up in this f****** situation, now i understand, honestly the devil can take control over some women mind very easily

August 20, 2012 at 11:24 pm
(28) help says:

I too are in the situation above.. I believe never to hit the girl, but my current one is jusT crazy.. I tend to play dead when she nagging, asleep more likely. But she starts kicking me and scratching me and pulling my hair. I walk away she blocks the doors and pulls my arms. I locked the door behind me and she climbs through the window, 3 level home she’s insane, ,or breaks the door handle (its a porche design handle) that shit aint cheap.. I even left her but she waits outside screaming. Embarassing me and even the cops came once … Don’t get me wrong I still love her. Its probably why I feel bad last time the cops came and didn’t want her to be take away.. is it so wrong to slap her to stop her from shouting like she found a dead body?

November 26, 2012 at 10:50 am
(29) Rik says:

I honestly cant say I haven’t dated a woman who wasn’t psychologically or emotionally abusive. Ive never acted out physically because of the legal consequences but I certainly feel like it would help. There is a double standard that cannot be broken because emotional / psychological abuse is nearly impossible to quantify whereas a bruise and a cellphone camera can speak volumes. I don’t know how we get past this as a society but it would be nice if there was an easy solution. I normally just grind my teeth together, cheat on them and then break up with them. I feel like sexual infidelity is the one legal way I can hurt them as much as their words and psychological warfare have hurt me.

December 22, 2012 at 11:26 pm
(30) Jade says:

If you hit me, im hitting you.

March 29, 2013 at 10:52 am
(31) gmjatw says:

If you are in a relationship with someone it is not okay to hit them. That goes for guys and girls. I do believe that if a girl hits a guy she just gave him the right to hit her back. I dont care who you are if you hit someone they have the right to hit you back. In the case of hitting her because she is nagging. You on that’s not okay. If a girl nags you just nag her back show her its annoying.

May 9, 2013 at 8:10 pm
(32) J says:

Some women do really ask for it, and I don’t mean they just annoy you. I mean they literally beg you to hit them. They start a fight over nothing, and then grow increasingly angry when you don’t get as angry as they think you should. They will then start insulting you on every level they can think of, followed by smacking you in the face, on the body, wherever. Then comes the obligatory “Why don’t you do something about it! You’re just a little b****, you won’t do anything. Hit me you *****!”

I have never hit a woman and I never will; the furthest I’ve gone in this scenario is forcibly removing them from the house and locking the door until the neighbors call the cops. But if you do everything in your power to start a physical fight, you should not be surprised when you get one. Act like an adult, and you’ll get treated like one. Act like a child, and you’re likely to wind up in the hospital.

June 12, 2013 at 11:19 pm
(33) Ray G says:

Curse modern medicine… Back in the day women would have babies bleed out and die and the ones that didn’t knew there role… Nearly ALL of the states had laws allowing u to discipline your women keep her in line… Feminist movements in the mid 1900s changed everything. Now hitting a women for no reason sounds crazy to me. But at the end of the day regardless of how bloated your ego is… We ARE Animals… Keep your women in line… period… Or watch her walk all over u. Be a man… And if she doesn’t fall in line leave her and let another sorry soul be with that lonely single at 40 feminist

June 17, 2013 at 3:58 pm
(34) T says:

If you really think about it…what’s really wrong with a slap?

I am not talking about beating your girl down. That is unforgivable because a man should remain under control of his emotions at all times. Just a slap or two when she’s been abusing you verbally and physically for a while. Because that too is unforgivable.

A slap. What’s a slap? I was raised by slaps. Some of my greatest moments of personal growth came from slaps. I am not scarred, I do not believe I was beaten. I turned out extremely well. A slap is a great way to put someone back in their right mind. It hurts for about 2 seconds, 3 at most. But the point is not to hurt the slappee, the point is to stun him/ her out of an out of control mindset.

It’s not unmanly either. A man is the leader and lawmaker of his couple and, later, of his family. That is the role of a man.

A man should be extremely patient and avoid hitting anyone, but when all else fails, a man doesn’t let a woman irrationally abuse him for hours on end, because he knows that if he takes too much of it, she will lose all respect and attraction for him eventually. He knows that he protects his couple in doing so.

A man knows that both his woman and himself will be happier if they both keep things under control. Sometimes it takes a slap, followed by an explanation and some time apart to calm down and think.

I believe that going wild after receiving a simple slap reveals a very weak and entitled personality, and a ridiculously large ego.

Women with such desirable attributes go wild when slapped because they find it humiliating, not because it actually physically hurts. Other women, like Lynn above for example, are humble, and recognize that a man who slapped his girl when pushed too far is not a raging psychopath, but rather, very often, quite the opposite.With again the caveat here that any actual violence (ie with a will to physically hurt) is absolutely unacceptable from either man or woman.

July 11, 2013 at 9:23 pm
(35) I'm me says:

So if ur girl hits u its not ok to hit her back? Bull. Put urself in a man’s shoes n be ready to b treated like a man. Just cuz we r stronger doesn’t make it ok to grt hit. Girls need to b in reaity. 60 percent of violence in dateing well 40 is started by the girl. Wake up!!!@

July 19, 2013 at 2:29 am
(36) Kookie Man says:

What a joke. To many times we as a society think women are to think that women are helpless and defenseless. I have seen with my own eyes the damage abuse can do to anyone, Both male and female. Yet when a man does anything, he is taken off to jail, where as a woman doing the same thing. Is often times just let go. Then the man has do deal with a record and do all of the court orders just to live. All a woman has to do is run to another man for support.
Abuse is wrong on any level .Period!

October 15, 2013 at 1:53 am
(37) Jonathan says:

This is going to make a few of you angry, BUT here we go. Let me start by saying, I have only hit one girl one time. I don’t regret it, and if I could go back in time I would do it twice, maybe even harder. Not every women is the same, or responds the same to verbal actions. Some women are violent and like to fight. I’m not saying this is for me, but different strokes for different folks. Sometimes you can’t back out of a situation and hitting someone is the only answer, or response to a situation. Kinda like spanking kids, some don’t believe, even think it down right evil. But others think its fine. I don’t condone violence as a right of power “do what I say or else!” But in a defensive situation, or if its a better option for the situation.do it! This isn’t something that should happen on a regular but I’m sure with some people, it may happen once maybe twice and things could still be ok.

November 22, 2013 at 9:14 am
(38) jay says:

in the movies, how is okay for a woman who’s an assassin who is a desirable threat can she be hit and it is still okay.

December 29, 2013 at 12:57 pm
(39) for real? says:

“20 out of every 1000….have experienced dating violence”

And THAT, you say, has kept you up at nights? You’ve spent too little time learning basic math and too much time on feminist forums, I think. Seriously, we’re talking about .02% here.

December 30, 2013 at 7:45 pm
(40) Bonny says:

If you read the post, what kept me up was the fact that this person could actually be hurting someone, as opposed to just trying to rile me up in the forums attached to this website. As well, I get many, many emails from both male and female readers who have been in abusive relationships, and was in one myself many moons ago. What kept me up, that time, was the thought that I could have done something to stop it, to help someone in need. The stats in that post speak for themselves.

February 6, 2014 at 4:36 am
(41) logicaldude says:

Worthless broad held back her only asset.
Worthless broad got smacked.
Females know their value but they keep acting like they deserve more.
Holding back sex = war.
I respect what women offer. Not something they dont offer.

March 17, 2014 at 9:32 pm
(42) jay says:

I hit my fiancee and now I hate my self bc I love her soo much shes my world

May 15, 2014 at 2:48 am
(43) durga says:

My boyfriend hit me 3 days ago, Is it ok ? should i be in relationship any more?

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