Lindsay asks, "My guy and I have been dating over a year. We've had our rocky times and our good ones, but all in all its been pretty amazing. Recently however I found out he was meeting other women on dating sites and even kissed one of them. When I asked him what was going on, he said that he felt he wasn't wired for monogamy. He didn't want to hurt me, so he was relieved that it was all out in the open. He asked if I would consider an open relationship, where we both date other people but still stay together. He says he cares for me very much, and how he feels isn't a reflection on me. He also said he doesn't want to lose me, but he was scared I'd reject him for who he is.
I'm hurt that he lied to me, and I'm confused about my role. Isn't this moving backwards to a casual relationship? I really care about this man, but I'm so confused. Help?"
Well Lindsay, there are two ways to look at your situation. You can either consider your guy's request for an open relationship (learning more about what it means, and whether or not its something you can do) or you can say its not something for you and go your separate ways. Of course, that's easier said than done after a year or more of dating.
Let me first say that an open relationship is very different than polyamory. I realize that you haven't mentioned this in your question, but bear with me for a second. Polyamory is the concept that we can love more than one person romantically, and at the same time. In my experience, most polyamorous relationships are open and everyone is aware of the other loves or partners, and there is a feeling of inclusiveness. Open relationships on the other hand can be polyamorous, but I find the term usually refers to more of a 'don't ask, don't tell' sort of policy, where both parties date other people with the other's knowledge. Open relationships are just that - open - so each person can really do as they please without having to answer to anyone else.
Now, that's just my interpretation. Surely other readers will chime in and share their thoughts. But what I will say is that in my experience, polyamory is focused on love and affection, whereas open relationships are more come what may type experiences. I've also found that folks in poly relationships seem to communicate at a much higher level with their partners (out of necessity) whereas people in open relationships don't seem to share as much with regards to the status of where things are with other folks.
The reason why I'm sharing this information with you is because I want you to know you have more than just two choices: leave or stay. You can also negotiate with your partner to redefine what you have so that the relationship works for both of you. I can't tell if you're open to this type of situation, and frankly, it's a difficult road for even the most stable of relationships. But it is an option, and one worth discussing when things have cooled down a bit.
For now, I'd suggest thinking about whether or not your guy's actions are something you can forgive - or at the very least understand. I'm not condoning his behavior, because I don't believe that lying is ever an answer. But I do believe that his actions have opened up a level of communication and honesty that the two of you probably haven't shared before, and it might be an opportunity for growth for both of you. And since you wouldn't be asking the question if you weren't considering (even a little bit) his proposal, I have to assume you're willing to negotiate. So with that in mind, I'd recommend first discussing with him the dishonesty aspect, and seeing if its a long term issue or a one-off event. Then I'd move into what you both see an open relationship as, what you need out of it, what can be negotiated and what are deal breakers.
I'd also recommend that you speak with a counselor about your feelings, independently of your partner, and take some time to look at what you need from a partner, and whether or not your guy can, or is willing to give that to you. Finally, I'd take some time to nurture and be gentle with yourself, and give yourself some space and time to think without too much pressure from anyone.
Good answer. When I saw the title I figured you were going to come down on open relationships, like so many columnist do. You are right, the biggest issue is that he broke trust with his partner and he should have been open with his partner well before a year. If it’s something new, he should have discussed it with her before he started doing something. The only area I disagree it your view of what open vs polyamory. For me polyamory is just one type of open relationship. Which is think is the view that Tristan Taormino uses in her book “opening up”. It’s up to both partners to define their needs and negotiate.
With the risk of sounding judgemental it sounds like this guy wants his cake and to eat it. Trust builds the foundation of healthy relationships and once someone breaks this trust, it can be difficult to get the relationship back on an even keel. Lindsay, my advice to you is that do you really want to be in a relationship with a man, whom you have to share with others? Would you be able to cope with the thought of this? Will this make you happy?
I am interested to know whether exclusivity was ever discussed between the two partners. It is easy to assume that the length of your relationship dictates a hard-and-fast romantic role, but oftentimes a man will continue in their habit until their role is explicitly altered.
Instead of viewing this as an unfortunate circumstance, you could use this as an opportunity to meet some people and maybe have a little bit of fun trying something new.
I don’t think that an ‘open relationship’ is the right way to go. I understand that everyone is different, and certain people feel differently about relationships. Even so, I don’t think that means they want an open relationship, I interpret that as they are looking elsewhere. This reminds me of a site that I came upon recently, cheatconfession.com. People go on there and share stories about having cheated, and being cheated on. I think its bogus. If you’re getting with other people than you’re boyfriend/girlfriend, then you’re cheating. That is my opinion. Maybe I’m old school.
i totally agree with you Jimiboy. its either you in or out.for me open relationship means you still testing water ou there so you not sure about the person you with. if you with me at the moment, you shouldnt even be thinking about someone else unless if you want to cheat
Speaking as someone who is in an open relationship with his wife, I can tell you that what your partner did was pretty crappy. It goes against everything open relationships and polyamorous relationships are meant to be. He should have been honest with you from the beginning and it sounds more or less like he’s using the open relationship thing as a way to get away with cheating, more than as a way to enter into an honest open relationship with you. People like him give people like me a bad name.
I honestly don’t feel wired for monogamy either, but until my wife gave me the go ahead to start dating other girls (we discussed it for a while) I did not try dating other girls. Out of respect for her, and because I would have considered it cheating, I kept myself and my urges in check.
Don’t allow him to use “open relationships” as a way to get away with being dishonest and sneaking around behind your back. If he wanted an open relationship, he should have discussed it with you BEFORE cheating on you, not after he got caught.
The thing to remember about open relationships is that it is still possible to cheat. When you are not honest with your partner about who you are seeing, or what is going on with you, or you break the rules either of you have set up, that is cheating. Your partner is guilty of cheating and you should treat him like cheaters are treated. Dump his ass.