Nicky asked this dating question: "I recently told a coworker that I was attracted to him. He feels the same. We have had sex, which was great, and we plan on seeing each other when I return home from school. We have a ton in common, feel completely at ease with each other, we were friends before we were intimate. The problem is, he has a girlfriend who he lives with and has been dating for two years. I was fine with being friends with benefits but we talk every day and can't wait to see each other. Should I stay in this and see if he leaves his girlfriend, or am I asking to get my heart broken?"
In a word, yes, you are asking to get your heart broken - especially if you believe that the "problem" is his girlfriend, and not the fact that you are sleeping with a man who is supposedly in a committed, live-in relationship. I realize these next words are so often mentioned that they seem trite and not very helpful, but they bear repeating: Someone who will be unfaithful with you, will have no issue cheating on you. So even if the gent does leave his girlfriend for you, you've got a huge uphill battle ahead. Few relationships (if any) can thrive with this kind of background.
You say you have no issue with the friends with benefits relationship, which isn't a problem if that's all you are looking for. But asking if your heart might be broken with this arrangement tells me another story: that you want more, but aren't quite ready to admit it, even to yourself.
My advice? The talking every day needs to stop, as does the friends with benefits arrangement. Being coworkers may make this a bit more challenging, but nevertheless it needs to occur. Sever all interaction. If he asks why and you feel the need to give a reason, let him know you feel you've made a mistake and need some space. Don't answer his calls, emails or any other methods of communication. If he's The One for you, he'll understand that he needs to break things off with his girlfriend, move out, and spend some time alone before trying to even be friends with you again, let alone attempt a sexual or romantic relationship. And if it was only friends with benefits for him, then you've lost nothing other than a casual sex partner, which isn't hard to find with someone who is available/single if that's all you were after in the first place. As for your friendship with the gent, it may survive the situation if what the two of you shared was strong to begin with before you became intimate, but do yourself a favor and steer clear of him for at least a couple of months.
What do you think, dear readers? Do you have any advice for Nicky?
Related: Can I Make Him Want More Than Friends With Benefits With Me?, Postitive Self-Talk, Can Casual Sex Become a Relationship?.
Absolutely agreed!
It will be somewhat hard to break it completely off like this, but it is mandatory for you if you plan on having a good relationship with anyone ever again in the future, whether him or another guy you may move onto. You can’t move on to another without letting go of this one first and you can’t make your relationship with him “truly” good until you have let him go at this point so he can have time to clean up, cut ties, walk the street alone and come back to you. But if he is for you, do not try to simultaneously transition from his live-in girlfriend to you without a gap in your contact with him or else it is simply innevitable that he lives his life waiting for a better opportunity to come along instead of actually seeking it out. And trust me girl, when something better than you appears in his life, HE WILL RESPOND TO IT! Do not think he won’t. Simple as that, yet complex enough that it requires you to be strong and make a bold move of withdrawing yourself until the time is right. No exceptions or else you can expect to waiste two years of your life only to be left by him for another woman and your heart broken. The same way the girl he is living with right now will soon go through for your benefit.
-Craig
If you’re going to have sex with a co-worker and you find that he’s in a relationship of some sort, it’s best to make it known to him up front that there’s no strings attached to your activities, not even heart strings. He’s just playing you along as long as you’re willing to put out. If he can’t commint himself to his girlfriend back home, he cannot commit himself to you either. Your just wasting your time with him if you really want to find someone to stick with. Besides, are you certain he’s disease free? You may not be his first girlfriend, nor his last. Besides, how do you know SHE’s not playing the field either? He could pick up something from her and pass it along to you.
both of u have a serious problem 1 he like to play with people emotions an 2you dont care if he has a girl just so that u get some this hurt’s when somebody reads this kind of!#$@ it only hurts the goodguys
I have been the “live in girlfriend” and from that side of the fence it is one thing to carelessly flirt, but what you are doing is deceitful, hurtful and insensitive. Try putting yourself in her shoes how would you feel? I can tell you alone, heart broken, pissed off, and worst of all knowing. Men who cheat don’t hide it well I bet she knows and just has not put together who yet. I can promise you he will do the same to you! My ex cheated on me (while pregnant) the woman moved in when I moved out then my ex started doing everything in his power to get me back but told her he loved her while telling me he loved me. You should be the bigger person and admit to his girlfriend what you have done. Let her decide what she wants to do but you need to find someone else. Once you have been on the other side you will understand. I don’t know how you live with what your doing I would NEVER share my man. Not even in Utah!!
The only “friends with benefits” women should ever have are attorneys and accountants. I don’t sleep with my friends because I value friends and don’t want to lose them. And no woman should ever settle for seconds. Every woman should feel she is second-to-none! When you settle for mediocrity, that’s exactly what you get and feeling more alone in a “relationship” is lonelier than being alone. So why set yourself and others up for failure instead of excellence?
From the guy perspective, this one seems to have a commitment phobia issue. Consider the fact that he’s living with a girlfriend for two years and has not taken the step of formalizing the relationship. He is afraid of being stuck with one person FOREVER.
That’s the definition of commitment phobia. The “forever” part.
And that’s why he’s brought you into the picture, because you are option B, someone who represents a path out, another choice, another reason not to commit to his girlfriend.
But actions are louder, and he’s still living with her, which means he does feel a lot for her, can’t quite commit, and yet doesn’t want to throw it away. He’s probably feeling stuck, and having a friend with benefits takes his mind off it.
He won’t commit to you either unless he gets serious help dealing with this issue in his life. He is sincere in wanting a committed relationship, but the instinctual fear of “forever” stops him when it gets too close, and makes him search for friends with benefits.
I may be wrong, of course, so I say this with disclaimer. FYI.
bull i disagree, not answering the phone or email is total bull, Just be onest with the guy and say what you really want, and as long as the two of you are on the same page you friendship will last even if the sex don’t
It appears that most comments speak in terms of some sort of commitment (emotional in most). Casual sex is just not that, it’s a raw form of physical satisfaction. Without knowing the particulars with some of the quoted relationship comments, perhaps it’s a want or need that is not fulfilled (and may never be fulfilled). It was a common practice for some people and often it is referred in many writings about and by Gay people (although not always appreciated by some who wanted a commitment). It is a reality and it was just a way of life for some, if not many people at some stage in their life. I would have thought that it’s a primal need or exploration not unlike what some animals do without any moral conscience or thoughts for others than themselves. Those who practice this type of behavior are usually at ease with their choices, their actions (like dogs in particular) have few regrets. It is the choice they make and it’s just that, especially if the subject is NO stings attached. Somehow the subject FWB (friends with benefits) is clouded and confusing. How can you have benefits without responsibility? How can you be a friend and not consider the other party in the arrangement? Perhaps the term should be SWO (sex without obligation).
Hi,
I feel that this article was meant for me. yet it’s a worse situation. I lost my husband several years ago the love of my life and the man, who wants to be FOB lost one wife, another is very ill. The thing is we were attracted to each other before he knew she became ill. He was one of my teachers where I resided and helped me in many ways. I fell hard for him but he told me from the beginning he won’t leave his wife, yet he’s attracted to me. He sent mixed feelings and since I wasn’t involved with anyone else, I became romantically involved with him. For a few years we fooled around, but never consummated our relationship. Recently we have and he said it would be just once. We have a strong friendship and in my mind, I think eventually it may become more. Friends think I’m disillusioning myself and not giving myself a chance at a real, lasting love with someone else. I haven’t found anyone that compares with him. We have much in common and came from similar backgrounds, moreso than his second wife. I know I should sever this relationship, but I can’t. Life is too short not to enjoy the time we spend together. As far as a co-worker living with a woman, I would advise you to stop! In my case, I’m not heeding my own advice.
salutations,, presently i am involved in a friends with benefoits associatioin. what i would like to know is , is it ok to have this with someone you dont want a future with , even someone you find facially unattractive, and if so how do you cut off the relationship when you have had enough
Definitely, I agree, to start of, you started with this “friends with benefits line” when he was already on a relationship, even if he breaks with her girlfriend for you, it is very likely that he will cheat on you as well in the future, I’ve never done that myself, but I can tell you for sure that I would cheat my girl if some hot girl that I know (i.e. from school or some) came along and offer me a “friends with benefit” circle, so think about it. I’ve never cheated my wife, and I am against that, but we are MAN, we throw smoke on hot things, believe me. hahaha…- Allan
The short answer….don’t wait around! Guys view relationships from a different point of view than females. The attraction between you two might lean more on the physical side of things even though it seems like there is a mental connection. Truth is, if he was really that into you he would have left his current girlfriend.