An overheard conversation about a magazine article got me thinking the other day about cheating and betrayal in dating relationships. Specifically, an article that a friend of a friend read stated that one of the newest dating rules was that you didn't tell your partner if you'd cheated, as it would only add to the pain on both sides. Rather, the article suggested (as told to me second hand), if you were remorseful for your actions and knew you'd never do it again, there was no reason to share with your partner about the unfaithfulness.
Although I kind of, sort of, get what the article was getting at (why stir the pot if the issue has been resolved already?), why would any relationship 'expert' tell people that betraying their partner was acceptable behavior? Sure, coming forward might end the dating relationship, but it might also strengthen things after the initial shock. In fact, I know of several folks whose relationships were better off after having been cheated on, serving as a wake up call to all parties with regards to what wasn't working, and who gave them a means to make their bond even stronger and better than it was prior to the infidelity.
Which isn't to say I condone cheating, or that I feel cheating is a good thing for a relationship - I most definitely do not. But I know I'd much rather know if my partner had betrayed me than be left in the dark, so I could (at the very least) make an informed decision about my next step.
But what about you? Do you think that its ok not to tell your partner that you cheated, especially if you've learned from the experience and it will never happen again? Or, if your partner cheated on you, would you want them to tell you?
Related:Did He Get Caught Cheating?, Signs of Cheating, Predicting Infidelity, Lust in Translation, Can You Break Up To Make Up?
This is such a delicate issue. I sometimes think that if it truly is NEVER going to happen again it’s better off not bringing it up. However, once it becomes a recurring thing, or if even the thought of doing it again comes up, there is something lacking in the relationship and it needs to be addressed.
Not a chance on either question! I’d take it to my grave and hope that she did too!
Honest, open communication is extremely important in a relationship. This is no exception.
I’ve been on more than one side of the situation, and yes it’s painful. But, why live a lie or let someone you supposedly care about live in ignorance? As much as it may have hurt, I’m glad I was informed. When I was unfaithful, I let her know. She was hurt deeply, but was also glad I told her.
Something obviously isn’t working. And both people in the relationship should respect each other enough to be honest with what/where the relationship is.
That’s just my opinion..
This has become a big issue without definition.
people who are just “dating” feel that they have a dibs on the person or persons that they are dating. Married is the same as millions wrestle with the reality of modern living.
There are rules for this.
1. it is not their business only yours.
2. It means also treating you gf/lover (if it is ongoing) to more of the truth no lies or misleading (no,I’m not leaving my husband)
3. they shall never meet
4. thou shalt keep you mouth shut
You misinterpreted–
The relationship expert wasn’t suggesting that cheating is acceptable.
If you honestly knew in your heart that you regret your actions and would never do it again, then obviously don’t tell your partner. That will just create unneeded chaos.
I believe in open and honest communication but there is such a thing as too much communication. There are also times in life when ignorance really is “bliss.”
If someone cheats, feels regret and knows in their heart it will never happen again I see no motivation for telling their partner.
Why would anyone admit to something they know they will never do again if it is going to cause tremendous pain to the person they love?
my husband cheated on me–with girlfriend from 45 yrs ago. I cannot get past the distrust issue. We are trying to work it out but am I just decieving myself, for security??!!
Ive been there along with many others,I happen to be a very secretive person in everyday life. Ive Been In this relationship for only 5 years,some people would say thats a long time I think not…but thats not the point. We have both had out molments, He didnt tell me about his I had to find out the hard way and feel that Id been lied to for 6 months…and It hurt!!! I think it hurt more to know that his guilt wasnt stonge enough to come out into the open,If id been told…yes I still would have been upset but I think it would have been easyer to stomach. I in my molment told him just after it happened, some people think this is a way to releave the guilt so you can feel better about it, and In someway I beleave it. But personally that guilt never goes away, and telling takes strangth of its own…Ive been lied to and I would never keep something like that from someone I love, there are two people in a relationship and both of them should know whats going on with the other. No matter how painfull it is… it is a part of all relationships, your in it togeather and you need to get threw it togeather. If you cant then you were not ment to be togeather. And if you never tell, how will you ever know? I beleave cheating is wrong and hurtfull and would never incurage such actions, but when these things happen they should be delt with not denyed!!! Your partner should have a chance to leave,stay,cry,or be cryed to…to actually know who you are and If your sorry. If you deny them those rights you are a coward and Karma’s a bitch!
Cheating and Telling? When I got married 20yrs ago, my husband and I swore that if we ever found ourselfs desiring someone else we would be up front about it and tell the other one. I took that promise to heart. Now 20yrs and 2 kids later I am in the middle of a nasty divorce because my husband went back to stay with a woman he has been cheating with for the last 10 years, on and off. To this day even though he knows I know he is living with her, he still denies that he is an adulterer. Go figure. I would never have done such a thing because I loved him and would never have hurt him so much. So who’s the fool!
I have problems with fidelity. My GF has been gone for a week and I’ve gotten a handjob from another girl and touched her boobs. I told her I wouldn’t cheat on her when she left, as we have had situations in the past. I guess I convinced myself that wasn’t cheating. Fact is, I won’t tell her I cheated on her. Why? Because I know it is an illness that I have and I am at least happy I didn’t go further. I showed considerable restraint considering I could have gone further. We have something really strong between us and I have been working on fidelity, but it’s really hard for me. I guess it’s because of my father. Anyway, the truth is, I would say not to tell your spouse/ girlfriend if you can resolve it within yourself. As for me, I’m just happy because I could have easily used these two weeks to have tons of sex with this girl, and considering this is all that happened, then I pulled away, I am happy that I have imposed limits. No, I’m not perfect, but I’m working on myself.
me and my husband have been together for 3 years and married for 2 of them. we have 2 beautiful baby girls together and i wouldnt trade anything in the world for them. a few months ago my husband began telling me that he didnt know if he wanted to be with me any more. for 2 months i went with him going back and forth from that he loves me and wants to be with me to wanting a divorce. all i could do was pray and cry my eyes out, and on top of it needed to be strong for our 17 mnth old and our 6 month old. well he started getting to where he would dress up and tell me that he would be back in a min making up excusses to go somewhere like to get gas get snuff and it would either take him a few hours or all night so i thought he was cheating. not only that but he began abusing me to so i felt like i ment nothing to him any more. well the night before my birthday he pulled the same crap so i had my sister watch my girls and i went out and drank a little with an ex sister in-law well all night her brother kept telling me how beautiful i was and stuff like that after so long of not hearing it from my husband it made me feel good about myself . well things went a little to far and i cheated if i could take it back i would bc now my husband treats me the way he use to. i dont plan on telling it to my husband because i asked god for forgivness it was a one time thing i was weak . i feel that if you cheat once out of pain it should be kept to yourself only god should judge and be the punisher but if its a never ending thing then yes you should come clean especially if your loved one is always there for you no matter what and treats you good.
This really is a delicate subject Bonnie. I’ve known good and bad cases on both sides of this arguement so I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer.
Some things get out no matter how much people think they won’t so by hearing the truth on the rumour mill a cheated partner may be less inclined to continue the relationship thereafter. But then I also know people who have fessed up and that has been the end of the relationship.
As ever it really is a case of if you can’t do the time don’t do the crime. Cheating is no good for anyone so just don’t go there. After that, if you have, well you need to weigh up your conscience, guilt and thoughts of a future. Whatever someone decides at that point will have a major impact on the relationship.
All I know is that if my partner cheated I would want to know. And maybe that’s the best anyone can hope for, namely, to tell their partner if they do cheat you want to know – at least then you might have a chance of repairing the relationship. If they cheat and you hear about it some place else then it’s definitely game over.
Another thought provoking excellent article.
Grace