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Bonny Albo

My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome Dating Question

By May 15, 2012

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Peach asks: "The other night my boyfriend started joking around about having a threesome with me. I laughed and told him sarcastically why not but I was joking too and I thought he knew that. Now he won't stop talking about it, asking me if I find this woman or that woman attractive and so forth. I have no idea how to tell him it's never gonna happen now. Help?"

Bonny's answer: You've run up against a definite difference between how men and women communicate. Without getting too stereotypical, let me say that when most men 'joke' about a threesome, they aren't joking. They're testing you to see if you're able, willing and/or interested.

This isn't to say that every guy wants a threesome with his girlfriend or partner. Some do, some don't. Some just like the idea that they might have one, or want to fantasize with their lover about the possibility. If he's truly joking around and has no intention of trying to make the idea a reality, only then would I say have some fun and play along. He knows that the majority of heterosexual women aren't into threesomes; he just wants you to support his fantasy.

Having said that, your guy has started to take further steps towards making the dream a reality. If you're truly not interested at all in sharing him sexually with another woman, then it's time for some firmness. There's no beating around the bush here. The next time he brings up anything threesome-related, let him know in no uncertain terms you're not interested. Pause, look him in the eye, maybe even touch his arm gently, and say, "I know you're really excited about the idea of a threesome, but nothing in this world could convince me it's something I want. I don't mind hearing about your fantasies or even getting a bit playful with them, but a threesome will never be anything but imaginary for me." Cater the words to suit your personality and situation, but make the message the same. He'll stop asking you or pushing for answers, even if he doesn't stop thinking about it.

What say you, dear readers? What would you say if you were Peaches? Have you been in this, or a similar situation? What did you do?

Related: Male / Female Sexual Desires and the 'Threesome', All About Sexual Fantasy, Get Dating Help, Couples Communication Quiz.

Comments
May 31, 2011 at 1:56 am
(1) Arby says:

I don’t agree with you here Bonnie. If she’s genuinely not interested in his genuine interest in a threesome, then she shouldn’t joke with him about it. Playing with the idea should be for those who haven’t ruled out actually following through with the idea. In my view.

May 31, 2011 at 3:23 pm
(2) Jean says:

My boyfriend proposed something similar. I said it would be ok as long as I could choose men as well. It’s only fair. He didn’t like that idea very much and promptly dropped the subject. He said I was enough for him.

June 1, 2011 at 4:45 am
(3) Jeff says:

Coming from a guy’s standpoint here. If a girl entertains the idea of having a threesome he will take it that she is ok with it. I think it’s the way she reacted to his original question that lead him to believe she was down. Truthfully though, if a guy suggests that to his girlfriend he is just not that into her. I hate to say it…

July 14, 2011 at 1:34 am
(4) Buddy says:

It took me 62 years to finally have a threesome and it was so much better than I thought it would be. My gf, with whom I have been living for 18 mo and who is my partner in every possible way, and I started talking about it a while ago.

A former gf’s first sex was a lesbian experience when she was 13 and never forgot it. I thought she would be game and so we brought it up, talked a bit about it, and when I finally got them together, the former gf made the first move.

I thought I was in heaven.

I am so totally in to my current gf, and that threesome made it more so. We’re thinking about trying to find another woman for a permanent triad arrangement.

Everyone’s different!

May 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm
(5) Maria says:

In response to Jeff’s comment, above: “…If a guy suggests that to his girlfriend, he is just not that into her…”. I think there are SOME guys for whom that is true. Jeff, I’m guessing, is one of them. (no judgments here either way) However, some men- and women- can absolutely be deeply in love with their current partner and still want to invite a third person into the bedroom with the two of them. I think it’s important to remember that there are differences in the way we prefer to relate to each other. No one way is better or worse than another. And people need only do what they are comfortable with. AND, there are differences.

May 24, 2012 at 11:54 am
(6) Chloe says:

REALLY murky waters; plain and simple, do YOU want to do it? if you dont then be firm, done. Maybe say something like sounds interesting, but im not ready or feel I want to…

May 24, 2012 at 12:55 pm
(7) Michael Patrick says:

There seems to be a presumption on the part of the one responding that the woman does not want to have a threesome.

My dear, you missed the signals. The writer’s reply although sarcastic, was a true and authentic response of her interests. If she absolutely did not every want a threesome, she would have never replied as she did.

Yet another missed message in the world of subconscious behavior.

Author and Relationship Coach. Michael Patrick

October 10, 2012 at 6:28 pm
(8) Sarah says:

I always say “Yeah, I can probably find another bloke who’d be interested”. They never bring the subject up again. That’s my experience :)

November 8, 2012 at 6:33 pm
(9) Confused says:

Recently my bf of 4 yrs best friend asked him when he was gonna marry me. His response was, when I get a threesome. This is something he’s brought up throughout the yrs, but our sex life has dropped tremendously in the past yr. I’m already feeling insecure & now for that to be said. It was very upsetting. I’m feeling really lost about where we’re going & have already told him I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing him.

November 21, 2012 at 12:32 am
(10) anna says:

“confused” i have the same issue, my boyfriend got so worked up about a three some he was legitally in tears and crying to me because i didnt understand his needs. i told him that if that is what he wants then he can find some other girl to do it with but i am not going to give him a threesome and i feel like that is cheating in my book.

November 27, 2012 at 6:06 am
(11) MMS says:

I have the same issue, only worse. My bf wants a threesome and at first I said no very firmly. But then later I thought about how disappointed he was and decided I could handle it, I went for it. I asked a girl I was comfortable with about it and she’s currently deciding. But then my bf and I talked about it and I realized that the idea of me watching him kissing and licking and doing anyone else at all, especially with me watching, tore my insides apart. Every day waiting for her to decide I dread it – beyond belief. I keep saying I can suck it up, he just wants to try it one time, and since at one point I had a threesome with two guys I think it’s only fair. But now I can’t even sleep because I dream about him doing her right in front of me and it hurts so bad I can’t keep watching, but then I wake up and the hideous nightmare continues. I feel inadequate, unloved, and wounded that one of his biggest fantasies has to include another girl to be complete. I always thought we loved each other but now I can’t think straight, and I’ve confessed everything to him and tried to change his mind, and he won’t budge.i feel like I’m ripping myself apart for this man and he can’t even see it cuz all he wants is another girl. Idk what to do, and even if she says yes and I end up going through with it, I’ll hate every moment of it… And I don’t even think I’ll be able to talk to him straight afterwards. Has anyone gone through this??? Please, anyone, give me something to mk this a little bit easier – I can’t break my word, but I feel like this will ruin sex for me. I don’t know what to do…

November 27, 2012 at 11:24 am
(12) dating says:

MMS: You have the right, as always, to change your mind. If you feel the experience will harm you instead of help, don’t do it. Negotiation and communication are crucial when adding another person to a sexual and/or romantic relationship. If your boyfriend can’t or doesn’t understand, he’s not the right one for you and it’s time to move on.

As well, I strongly suggest you seek some sort of counseling to work through the feelings of inadequacy, wounding and feeling unloved. Your partner’s actions only reflect on him, not you. You’re loved and more than adequate regardless of what he does, but that strength has to come from within yourself and not sought elsewhere. For some of us (and I put myself in that category too!) it’s hard to disassociate these things and not take it personally, and the language you’re using tells me you’ll likely need some assistance to work through it, and some boundary issues, solo.

Huge *hugs* to you, and let us know what happens.

December 23, 2012 at 5:02 am
(13) new says:

The guy I’m seeing told me weeks after we started dating that he didn’t want to commit because he still had “single man” things he wanted to do(like have a threesome). I told him flat out! It wont be with me! But I’ll find him two bad bitchies and he can have at it! Is that wrong? Causing trouble/ asking for trouble?

December 23, 2012 at 9:22 pm
(14) dani1 says:

My bf proposed the same thing recently and I didn’t want anything to do with it so I just asked him if he wanted it because he didn’t think that I was enough for him, or that he loved me enough not to do it and he said that he loves me enough that he would forget about it. Questioning his love for you does work.

February 9, 2013 at 8:12 am
(15) beth says:

hi my boyfriend and i been together for 3 years and he had mentioned this threesome a long time ago because his friend brought it up to him and he want to share how he felt about it. i told him well i could never share u, would u like the idea that another man doing things to me that u love to do to me? he said true.. so the subjct droped till last night i asked wat he was doing he said he was at his friends house i said ok.. then out of the blue he asked again how id feel about it. i told him the same reply he just laughed.. i think he was drinking alot and jis friend was telling him stoires again but i did remind him i will never share u with someone else period and he was like ok.. yup i think he was drunk cause he knew how i felt about it… i would be hurt badly if i have known or watched another woman do things ive done with him it would kill me and i would want to puke. i love my man very much but how would he feel if his best friend had touched, kissed, ect. to me?

if ur a guy and ur truely in love with ur girl. would u want to share her or watch her being touched by another man and it dont bother u one bit??

March 31, 2013 at 6:55 pm
(16) B says:

A girl I’m getting to know had asked me if my BF was capable of doing 2 girls at once, well, I was stunned by her comment but didn’t took offence. In Fact, I just brushed it and told her no, I doubt it. Well, a few days had gone by and my BF had said something that triggered this prior experience. I was hesitant to tell him what this girl told me. I eventually told him. He was just smiling at me, his wheels turning, and asked ” is she HOT?” I was disturbed, and just said IDK. Then, I asked if he was really considering this as an option, he said about 50%, but were together, so no. I was hurt and disturbed. I just feel like he wants to do it, since he doesn’t have experience with other girls. What’s the best way to approach this? Should I talk to him about it?

April 3, 2013 at 3:11 pm
(17) Emmy says:

I had this experience in my past relationship. My ex asked me about threesome FMF. He said it like a joke, when we were talking about our fantasies, and I did not take it seriously. However, a week later he mentioned it again and then again…I explained him that I am not interested and I cannot share him with another girl. Then, he became distant, he could disappear, not to call etc. I was suffering cos I really loved him. Finally we broke… I realised he didn’t love me. A man who really loves a woman will treasure his relationship with her and he will be scared to loose her! So girls, don’t be afraid to say “no” to something you dislike or don’t want. If he loves you, he’ll drop this topic, if not… he’s not your man.

April 11, 2013 at 10:14 pm
(18) Susan says:

My boyfriend currently wants too have a threesome. I keep saying “no, I don’t want to see some other girl having sexual intercourse with you..” and he gets all offended. But again, that’s all males fantasize about. Threesomes. I dont know why. But if he really loved you, wouldn’t he just think that sex between you and him is good enough?.. I don’t get men.

April 15, 2013 at 9:52 pm
(19) tangy says:

I had one before with my ex, was very confident afterwards too even felt more attracted and all, we broke up cause he said I was a good woman but he wants women by paurs all the time, something I wasn’t found of doing again like he wanted. So I met another guy, we became a couple, long down the line we were talking I told him I had one he said he never has, hard to believe cause he’s very attractive, so I agreed searched came across a few possibiliies but my heart we even made profiles on sites, I started feeling as if I wasn’t enough, don’t no why when I’ve done it before, but I found out that the girl me n my ex had he ac,tually knew while we were dating so with that experiance I started thinking will he leave as an experiance or want it all the time. He’s so good to me and my kids its hard.

June 23, 2013 at 8:40 am
(20) Vanessa says:

My first experience when I was young was with my partner of 7 years. It killed me to see him with another woman, then he wanted to go to bars each night and get me to pick up girls for him. I felt so sick inside because I loved him so much but he never loved me. Now I’m with a guy who I’ve been dating 4 mths that I love and he talks about a threesome – it has made me live him less. I am now questioning whether he loves me or not even though he says it I feel upset in my heart. I said no. Now he wants to go to strip clubs and get me lap dances. I used to be a topless and nude waitress so I get this but I guess I just wish he thought I was enough. I have to be honest and tell him how I feel as he mentioned my best friend. I am so loyal I wish I had a guy who just wanted me I’m so sad inside. I will bring up a threesome with a guy see what he says. Ask him how would he feel seeing me with another guy. I finally thought I’d met someone different but now I’m questioning everything again :(

June 28, 2013 at 8:18 pm
(21) Dannyboy72 says:

My wife and I have had about 4 or 5 threesomes. It is truly different strokes for diffferent folks because after that first experience we grew so much closer like this crazy connection and trust just skyrocketed. I cant explain it but that first time was 6 yrs ago and we have been married a total of 17 yrs and we act like newlyweds to this day. Like I said I cant explain it but our trust for each other just grew perhaps because we now had this wild secret from everyone else that knew us. We truly became best friends and didnt just say it likeost couples. She tells me stuff most women would only tell their best girl friends and i can tell her things typically guys and their boys would talk about. Idont have to keep secrets that i find someone girl hot or she finds so guy hot cause our level of devotion is far beyond a physical thing. We are literally on like a cloud above.. And if anyone is curious all our 3somes have been for her MFM and She loves it and I found tht I love seeing her enjoy herself by acting out fantasies. She is cool with me having a FMF but we just havent got around to it like i said we have only done it like 4 times in 6or7 yrs so its not something we constantly talk about. If we are out and the mood is right and the stars align ot just happens and then the next day we laugh and say “damn that was one crazy freaking night lol”and then its forgotten we dont dwell cause we are so past a physical thing. its cool being able to party with your spouse like you’re truly best friends.. But again if you have insecurities in your relationship and jealousy its deinitely not for you.. Im so secure in myself and our relationship we’ve partied and got so wild before that a 3some was with my best friend lol ad he was so shocked he thought he was dreaming.. And afterwards said damn you two have some cool relationship.. He said i always thought she was so pretty and i cant believe that just happened and she just laughed and said ” our secret”..

July 2, 2013 at 3:41 am
(22) Kuranai says:

My boyfriend also asked me for a threesome but with my friend. At first I though he was playing around. Then I told him that could never do something like that but he never stopped asking or pushing for it. He thinks he needs it and at some points that I owe it to he because I said yes the first time. He has became so depressed about not only about the threesome but life. I know that people with adhd have hyper sex drive and usually drive to have threesomes but I can’t do that for him. By the way he is the one with adhd not me.

July 4, 2013 at 4:26 am
(23) jan says:

I’m going through the same thing. My bf of almost 3yrs has brought up threesomes for sometime now, I’ve always let him know its not my thing and just recently hes been bringing it often and when I tell him I don’t want to cuz its not in me to do that he drops the topic and says that its ok and he doesn’t need to have one because he doesn’t want lose me. The problem with that is that, just knowing that he is willing to sleep with someone else not just is hurtful to me but also a huge turnoff. It makes me dislike him and decrease my love and attraction for him as well. Makes me wonder if I’m not good enough for him or maybe he just doesn’t love me. I feel if u love someone you won’t want to be with anybody else. Those are my feelings but I guess to each their own.

July 13, 2013 at 1:11 pm
(24) Nicole says:

This JUST happened yesterday. A question out of the blue that had nothing to do with anything we just talked about. And he said it was a joke. I asked him if this is what he wanted to do, he said yes and no, but he wanted to see my reaction to the question, but oh yeah, he was just joking. NO HE WASN’T. He’s thinking about it, and I am sure the hell not. He got my reaction. Cried alot yesterday, and alot last night, and this morning. He’s smarter than that to be asking me dumbass questions like that. Never would I ever consider laying there while he cheats right in front of me with my friend he has never met! WHY the f**k would anyone allow that, but HE’D NEVER allow me with 2 men. How is this fair?
The wheels in my head have been spinning alot if questions now. Is he as serious as I am in this relationship? This is supposed to be my knight in shining armor I have been waiting for, for a very long time. Why would this puke of a question roll out of his mouth………I told him this *JOKE* (BULL) backfired more than he knows. I didn’t say this to him but my guard went right back up and now the trust issue has nicely creeped up in the back of my mind, and this will always be there, he says to just forget the retarded joke and that he feels like a complete a**hole for saying anything and to please forgive him and to not mention this to the friend he *joked* about.
Is he sincerely sorry? I don’t know yet, maybe possibly. Will I ever forget? NOPE, not at all…He trusts me. Should I worry? I trust him. Why do men need to ask such dumb things!

July 22, 2013 at 10:07 am
(25) Ada says:

I was asked the same question; me, him, and another woman. I would be excited if he suggested a 3some with another man. I am not attracted to women at all.
Men’s fantasies are based on a presumption that most of the women are at least a little bit bi-sexual, what is wrong. I asked him about a 3some with another man, he was repulsed by the idea. And still he does not understand how it is possible I can’t stand other women (in bed).
There is some statistics going on (online) that most of the women are against 3somes, of course they are, but FFM 3somes.

August 24, 2013 at 5:12 am
(26) Anna says:

A guy i’ve been seeing for a while was messaging me saying that he was thinking about sex with me earlier, which I didn’t mind. Then he said but you won’t like it, so I asked why and he said because it involves you and your friend. Instantly I said that crossed the line, and that he obviously has no respect for me at all as he knows I don’t trust this particular friend. I said he wouldn’t be hearing from me. I’m just wondering if I did the right thing? I think it was insensitive and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough as he has to imagine my friend to get himself off.

November 23, 2013 at 1:21 pm
(27) Veil says:

Once my ex husband brought up a threesome and I said sure there’s a really hot younger guy at work thats been flirting with me, when should I set it up? Never heard about it again.

March 12, 2014 at 3:06 pm
(28) JJ says:

I had a boyfriend ask me about doing a threesome with a co worker that he or I no nothing about. He even mentioned her by name. I said F—no. I felt do disrespected and hurt. I told him he hurt my feelings and he said it was a joke. It was no joke and he knew it. He tried to make it seem like a joke simply because he saw how upset I got. I told him I am not trash and I refuse to let any man make me feel less than the queen I am.

I do not care how mad a man get, how sad he is, I will never lower my standards to share myself or the man I love in that manner. I feel relationships are special and should have a bond of respect for one another. No way no how will I ever lower my standards. Not for him and not for any other man.

I am still hurt by him even saying it. I do not even feel the same about him anymore. I really think I plan to leave him alone. I do not want a man that does not see me as his queen and does not treat me with the respect I deserve.

I have never had a man say that to me, Joke or not, it was hurtful.

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