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Bonny Albo

How To Attract Someone Dating Question

By June 13, 2012

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Stephany asks: I am 33 years old and single. My problem is that almost every relationship I have ever been in has started as an introduction through a friend. As I am still single however, I think I need to do something different. But while I feel I am passably attractive, I'm not a woman who is proficient at the feminine art of attracting male attention, and I have been told that I'm too serious or that I don't give off friendly vibes. Any advice for someone like me who is seriously looking for something long term, on how to attract someone new?

Bonny's answer: Hi Stephany! Great question. One that I feel very connected to personally, because in the past, I may have shared the same story as you. I had clients that seemed to know intuitively how to attract someone, but I couldn't do it myself, and I felt a bit of a hypocrite trying to dole out advice advising readers about how to attract someone because of it. And then a good friend of mine showed me a book a changed my situation overnight.

The book, called The Surrendered Single (Buy Direct), discusses releasing our need to control outcomes in order to learn how to attract someone, although in this book's case it focuses specifically on women trying to attract a man. And although I didn't agree with everything the author suggested, I gleaned one of my favorite (and most effective) tips from that read, and it helped me tremendously to overcome the exact situation you're describing here.

In a nutshell, the author suggested taking a set period of time (I tried for a few hours one night walking downtown) and smiling at everyone I came across during that time frame. And not just any smile either: a genuine, full-faced smile that extended beyond just my physical presence. Yes, I realize this isn't easy to do, and no, I'm not suggesting you look like a weirdo with a fake grin plastered across your face. But do try it, just to see how people react differently to you.

I likened my smiling experiment as a real-world version of character building in a role playing game. I could control my charisma score instantly, just by smiling. Why? Because I became instantly attractive to folks I'd never even considered previously. People, literally, came up to me to comment on my smile or to start a random conversation with me. In the space of two hours I received three phone numbers, started countless conversations, and one group of gents asked me to join them for a couple of drinks.

The attract someone smiling rules are simple: smile genuinely and fully at everyone you encounter and without judgment. That last one is a bit of a doozy I'll admit, and I got wrapped up in it a couple of times. I hadn't realized that I 'choose' who to smile at before this experiment. Basically, if I didn't find the person physically attractive I didn't smile, and if I thought the person would ask me for something (like someone begging for change) I'd avoid eye contact completely. I didn't do this consciously, but once I examined my behavior, I changed - and so did the people around me.

Will you receive the same kind of response that I did? I'm not sure. But it can't hurt to try, either. Give yourself a time frame so it's not too overwhelming (or insincere). Say, an hour during your lunch break, or an afternoon spent at a coffee shop. I'll hazard that if nothing else, it'll do wonders for your self esteem and hopefully even attract someone new into your life.

What do you think, readers? Any suggestions that have worked for you?

Related: Attract Someone Myths, Pickup Lines, Attract Someone New Rules.

June 10, 2009 at 2:54 am
(1) Dino Andrade says:

Speaking both from personal experience and as the creator of the geek dating site SoulGeek.Com I vote for actively participating in common interests. In the Geek world that could mean such things as participating in events like San Diego Comic-Con, DragonCon, etc… or getting into table-top RPG’s like Dungeons and Dragons. Throwing screening parties is also socially fun (we just had a Joss Whedon night featuring Dr. Horrible and Buffy: Once More With Feeling). And yes, I highly recommend SoulGeek.Com.

The question is “How to attract someone.” If all you are doing is focusing on the “how” instead of the “why” then you risk being spectacularly successful at attracting someone who may be completely wrong for you. On the other hand if you save the “how” and concentrate first on just actively participating in the things you love, you will be brought into close contact with others who share the same passions as you. At that point the “how” seems to work itself out naturally.

It’s pretty simple really, and you don’t have to work nearly as hard. In short, if someone shares – and thus gets – what you’re passionate about, then there’s a good chance that this someone also get YOU. And fewer people are more attractive than that special someone who truly gets you.

June 18, 2009 at 8:16 pm
(2) Christopher says:

Well it has been my luck to be confident in who u are, thats makes you smile, be kind and friendly for others to see in situations that are awkward, you attract others to you when you are calm, and take life one day at a time, not being lazy, but knowing for yourself that your turn is coming and that the great opportunity is just around the corner, so be nice, smile, be confident, dress nice and dont overdue your presentations with alot of gossip, heresay, or negative surrounding people. when you do this watch the men and women you will attract.

June 27, 2009 at 10:28 am
(3) Mary says:

I agree 100%. Smiling genuinely works in many situations. I owned a business for 10 years and routinely smiled at clients even when thing weren’t going well and since my smile was genuine I was almost always able to make a bad situation better.

After I divorced I had no idea how to attract a man. But a genuine smile signals that you are open and approachable and that makes all the difference!

October 8, 2009 at 1:00 pm
(4) Paul Dorazio says:

I never leave a comment, but this intrigued me. I am disabled in a power chair and since my amputation I have changed my whole atitude towards people. I smile at ladies every chance I get, whether they’re old, young whatever. I’m 67 and I can’t tell you how many women of any age have stopped to talk with me. I have had coffee with a few and made some great female friends. Your advice is wonderful.

October 8, 2009 at 5:32 pm
(5) Brad says:

Can’t say as a man I’d do this at age 50. I’d come across I think as a weirdo. It seems like staring to long only with a smile.

Bonny how do you know the guy is older than you? And why is that a problem? In my experience the guy is usually a few years older than the girl in relationships. That may be changing though after checking out some dating sites. At least in what a lot of women are looking for. It looks like a lot of the women are seeking younger than they are guys. I see this especially in the 40 age group of women. This is unofficial I know, but check it out for yourselves. I am not saying they are after young studs-could be, but their lower age range is larger than their upper range. Not sure what the guys are listing as far as age ranges since I am not checking them out. I guess that maybe another post for you Bonny. I know if I were a young guy say 35 and I viewed a profile of a woman that was 40 or 42 wanting to date my age group I’d think she’s looking for sex.

Bonny when writing you may want to think about your age and sex compared to say myself which is male and 50 when writing to advise smiling at everyone. If I were 30 I think I might get away with it, but not at 50. AT 50 I’d be put in the dirty old man category I am afraid or at least that would be my concern. You yourself said you don’t smile at older men generally. So, how can you advice someone at 50 to smile at everyone for an hour or two?

It says on here to “Say It” and that’s what I am doing. I think that About.com should have a guide that focuses on 50 plus adults. Advice for younger people will not necessarily play with the older ones. And, then the whole complicated advice for guys versus girls, younger versus older etc. It use to be so simple!

October 8, 2009 at 5:53 pm
(6) dating says:

Brad, I think you may have misread my suggestions. I’m not saying you should sit and stare and smile for an hour at the same person; I’m suggesting that you merely open yourself up and not judge anyone whether or not they are deserving of a smile for a conscious amount of time. There’s no need to smile more than a couple of seconds.

As for how do I know that someone is older than me? Usually its quite obvious; someone who appears to be old enough to be my parent is “older” in my head.

If you read the other posters, you’ll see that some – older than you – have suggested this tactic works for them too. I don’t believe confidence has an age limit, and smiling exudes it.

December 4, 2009 at 11:34 am
(7) Gypsy says:

This is in response to Brad – As a 40 something woman who generally dates younger – I can tell you it’s not for sex. There is no age cap on sex – they make pills for the physical stuff and it’s been my expereience that very few men lose interest as they get older.
What it is for me is this: I’m active. Extremely active. I surf, zipline, travel extensively, ATV, hike and much much more. Most of the men older than me that I’ve encountered can’t keep up. Or don’t want to. They’d rather spend Sunday sitting on the couch watching sports than hiking mountain trails.
Just an observation.

Back on topic of the article – I smile at people all day every day. Not because I’m ‘trying’ to attract anyone – but because I’m happy.
Be happy – the rest will fall into place!


November 30, 2013 at 6:44 pm
(8) a says:

I tried this and everyone looked away swifly and ignored me,

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