Stephany asks: I am 33 years old and single. My problem is that almost every relationship I have ever been in has started as an introduction through a friend. As I am still single however, I think I need to do something different. But while I feel I am passably attractive, I'm not a woman who is proficient at the feminine art of attracting male attention, and I have been told that I'm too serious or that I don't give off friendly vibes. Any advice for someone like me who is seriously looking for something long term, on how to attract someone new?
Bonny's answer: Hi Stephany! Great question. One that I feel very connected to personally, because in the past, I may have shared the same story as you. I had clients that seemed to know intuitively how to attract someone, but I couldn't do it myself, and I felt a bit of a hypocrite trying to dole out advice advising readers about how to attract someone because of it. And then a good friend of mine showed me a book a changed my situation overnight.
The book, called The Surrendered Single (Buy Direct), discusses releasing our need to control outcomes in order to learn how to attract someone, although in this book's case it focuses specifically on women trying to attract a man. And although I didn't agree with everything the author suggested, I gleaned one of my favorite (and most effective) tips from that read, and it helped me tremendously to overcome the exact situation you're describing here.
In a nutshell, the author suggested taking a set period of time (I tried for a few hours one night walking downtown) and smiling at everyone I came across during that time frame. And not just any smile either: a genuine, full-faced smile that extended beyond just my physical presence. Yes, I realize this isn't easy to do, and no, I'm not suggesting you look like a weirdo with a fake grin plastered across your face. But do try it, just to see how people react differently to you.
I likened my smiling experiment as a real-world version of character building in a role playing game. I could control my charisma score instantly, just by smiling. Why? Because I became instantly attractive to folks I'd never even considered previously. People, literally, came up to me to comment on my smile or to start a random conversation with me. In the space of two hours I received three phone numbers, started countless conversations, and one group of gents asked me to join them for a couple of drinks.
The attract someone smiling rules are simple: smile genuinely and fully at everyone you encounter and without judgment. That last one is a bit of a doozy I'll admit, and I got wrapped up in it a couple of times. I hadn't realized that I 'choose' who to smile at before this experiment. Basically, if I didn't find the person physically attractive I didn't smile, and if I thought the person would ask me for something (like someone begging for change) I'd avoid eye contact completely. I didn't do this consciously, but once I examined my behavior, I changed - and so did the people around me.
Will you receive the same kind of response that I did? I'm not sure. But it can't hurt to try, either. Give yourself a time frame so it's not too overwhelming (or insincere). Say, an hour during your lunch break, or an afternoon spent at a coffee shop. I'll hazard that if nothing else, it'll do wonders for your self esteem and hopefully even attract someone new into your life.