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Bonny Albo

Why Won't He Date Me Dating Question

By July 9, 2012

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Sandboxes asks, "I am 47, "Bob" is 39. We connected using Are You Interested on Facebook and he added me as a friend. Then it turned out we have a mutual friend in his brother-in-law. I told Bob I am attracted to him and would like to meet for a coffee. Bob says he doesn't "see a match".

Two weeks ago Bob abruptly announced he just started dating someone and "it's serious". Despite this, Bob told me in the past he's too shy to approach women and he waits for them to ask him out. From what I can see of his profile, Bob is a serial dater and has children from two previous relationships. He just seems to be lost without a woman in his life and he frequently adds new women he meets on Are You Interested.

My question: What is Bob's problem? I've told him I'm interested. He knows what I look like. He knows my background, schooling, etc. His brother-in-law has met me, knows my reputation, and in fact told me that Bob was talking about me at a family get-together recently. But Bob would rather date other women. Are all men this confusing, with mixed messages and rules that only they know?"

Sandboxes, I'm going to be blunt: Bob doesn't have a problem. You do. Why are you investing so much time and energy into a man who, by your own admission, isn't dateable nor interested? He made it clear from the start when you asked him out that he didn't see a match. How is that playing by dating rules only he knows? Sure, the rejection hurts. Yet he was honest, and I've lost count of the women who have told me throughout the years, "Why couldn't he just tell me he wasn't interested?"

Well, Bob did, but you didn't want to hear it. So what's a guy supposed to do? He's in a serious relationship now. Leave him alone, stop using Facebook to check his status, and stop analyzing why he's doing whatever he's doing. In Getting Past Your Breakup, Susan J. Elliot wisely suggests that each time you think of an ex (in this case, a man you're attached to that hasn't reciprocated) you say to yourself, "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter." Because really, he doesn't matter. You do. Focus elsewhere, and on anything else that makes you happy, joyful, or positively-spirited.

It's time to start prioritizing your needs, not some man's that you barely know. Break your bad love habits, and find some new ways to feel good. After a few weeks, you'll forget completely about Bob and will have a better relationship with yourself to offer someone new.

Related: Relationship Expectations, Am I Ready To Date Again?, Dealing with Unfinished Business, When Not To Date

Comments
July 28, 2010 at 3:39 pm
(1) Sandboxes says:

Wow!! I do agree with that part of your answer telling me to move on (although I wasn’t taking this as a rejection…I didn’t think Bob was my type anyway…I think I can do a lot better)…but I think Bob DOES have a problem. And how can he be seriously dating after only 2 weeks? I know things move fast in today’s world, but that’s totally ridiculous.

July 28, 2010 at 5:00 pm
(2) Sandboxes says:

I just wanted to apologize, Bonny, for the two very rude comments that I left in response to your answer to my question, especially that last “Zinger”. I have a bad habit of responding without thinking first. And I know very well that this behaviour is very immature. I mean, I did ask the question after all…if I don’t like the answer, that’s my problem. But you are absolutely correct…time to move on.

Thank you for responding to my question…good advice all throughout.

“Sandboxes”

July 28, 2010 at 8:35 pm
(3) Alvin says:

Jesus, I see why Bob doesn’t want to date you. I normally do not comment on any dating questions but after reading your question I had to comment. Sanboxes take a step back and re-evaluate yourself. Your comments about Bob having kids from different relationships and his constant nedd to have a woman in his life says your are a very judgemental person. No man/woman wants that in their life. You were told by this man that the two of you were not a match I geuss you didn’t hear him. I have other ideas as to why Bob was not interested but I don’t have any edvidence to back them up. Please re-evalaute yourself and your approach to dating/relationships.

July 29, 2010 at 9:39 pm
(4) Marc Dwayne says:

Sandboxes…why would you even consider a man who has kids by two different women? That’s a big red flag. Maybe he should think about getting a vasectomy. The what…you’ll be another notch on his headboard? You are way better than that girlfriend. You want to find a man that isn’t carrying all that baggage. A man that will put you first. His child support payments alone will be a mortgage payment. Find a man who can give you the security you deserve. Remember…you do not want to fit into a man’s world…you want a man to fit into your world. Besides…Facebook probably isn’t the best place to find the man of your dreams. All kinds of pigs troll the internet. Try a reputable online dating site like E Harmony or Match.com. They pre-screen men that might be a good match for you. Men who take the time to fill out a profile and pay money out of their pocket are at least not likely to be a rapist or a serial killer. There’s are lots of men out there looking for someone just like you. Be patient…and never settle.

July 29, 2010 at 11:50 pm
(5) Pat Copelan says:

Match.com & eHarmony don’t prescreen their members. You can spend 10 grand for a personal matchmaker and they’ll prescreen but no online dating site truly prescreens. Are You Interested has tens of millions of members just the same as Match and eHarmony. Both losers and quality mates can be found on all 3 as well as the other dozen largest online dating sites. It’s up to you to be smart enough to weed out the losers and guys who have sired multiple kids by multiple women.

July 30, 2010 at 12:08 pm
(6) Sandboxes says:

Thank you, Marc, for your support. When I am ready to find someone, I think I might try it the old fashioned way…singles dances, night classes, lectures, etc. I did a stint on Plenty of Fish and the experience was thoroughly negative…I don’t think online dating is my thing, quite frankly.

July 30, 2010 at 2:30 pm
(7) Rich woman hunter says:

I like guys who confront girls that he doesnít like them so that the girl wonít expect even though it will hurt the girl. The hurt will be in the first days but you can get to move on. Meeting someone else is the best way to forget guys that rejected you. Maybe there are great guys waiting you out there. Thatís why bob is not destined for you.

July 30, 2010 at 11:05 pm
(8) Sandboxes says:

Thank you, rich woman hunter…that is actually quite comforting. That’s what I think too…just wasn’t meant to be.

But I didn’t know the guy didn’t like me…he showed a great deal of interest in me for 3 weeks…told me I brightened up a crappy day…his brother-in-law announced he’d been talking about me all night at a family gathering…and he did seem interested in meeting for a coffee. Then suddenly this new woman is in the picture and Bob decides to play the jealousy card, and when I told him I thought that was rude of him, he finally decided he and I weren’t a “match”. He would rather choose one of the strangers he met on Zoosk. Now, if you couldn’t keep a relationship going, don’t you think you’d shy away from the strangers and stick with someone you knew?

Ah, whatever. I’m so glad it came to an end when it did…I don’t have to waste any more time “courting” the guy!

July 31, 2010 at 2:52 pm
(9) Relationship Advice Guys says:

Sandbox, Match.com actually did a recent study, and it turns out that most dating sites lend themselves to flings instead of relationships. I think your old fashioned route might be your best bet. I’d recommend taking a class on something you enjoy anyway, so the men you meet there will at least have similar interests. My favorites are dancing and massage, but maybe yoga or pottery are your thing? City/community college classes tend to be cheap, and if you meet Mr. Right there, wouldn’t it be worth it?

Good luck!

July 31, 2010 at 5:34 pm
(10) Al says:

I agree with Bonny on this one. Having a guy tell you upfront says you both time and hurt emotion. If he had a real interest in you he would never hint anything like this, let alone say it directly.

August 1, 2010 at 5:04 pm
(11) marc says:

You’re right Sandboxes…sometimes the old fashioned way is the best way. But there are alot of women who live in some po-dunct town in say…Alaska…like Wasilla…where their choices in men are limited and ‘they’ are very lucky to have access to the internet unlike their grandmothers. I still say there are ‘some’ dating sites that do a pretty good job of prescreening. Of course some men will lie…or exaggerate…but then some women do too. All the more reason to get comfortable with them in a social setting before you give them your address and telephone number.

August 1, 2010 at 8:04 pm
(12) Sandboxes says:

Thanks for the comment, Marc. Fortunately, I live in a city of half a million people. And my experiences on Plenty of Fish were enough to put me right off internet dating. I would rather speak to someone face to face, I think and get acquainted with an actual person on an actual date.

Not that I was checking or anything, but I noticed Bob has a profile on Zoosk and he was online recently…his profile contains 2 or 3 little white lies. Oh, well, let that “someone special” he’s looking for find out for herself…

August 2, 2010 at 6:32 pm
(13) elite escorts says:

I also agree with you……………….great article.

August 5, 2010 at 1:02 pm
(14) RA says:

I think Bob told you that you two weren’t a match because you called him “rude”. He may be lying about dating someone else just to get rid of you. Remember, email conversations are not “relationships”, and 3 weeks is a pretty short time. And why were you “courting” him, when he should be courting you?

August 5, 2010 at 4:53 pm
(15) Isis says:

I agree, he told you straight up that he wasn’t interested. I think Sandboxes and any woman who thinks like Sandboxes should read “It’s not him, It’s You!” by Christine Hartman. Think you will find it extremely helpful.

August 5, 2010 at 9:44 pm
(16) Sara Malamud says:

Sandbox, he didn’t lie to you, he didn’t want to date…. with you.

August 6, 2010 at 11:04 am
(17) Sandboxes says:

Thanks for the 3 August 5 comments. However, this is an old issue…it’s finished and done with. And yes, I got what “Bob” was saying…loud and clear…I don’t need to keep hearing it again and again and again from everyone on the plant.

Obviously you 3 have never made a mistake in a relationship or been blindsided by an infatuation. So why not get great enjoyment out of tormenting those of us who have?

August 8, 2010 at 6:49 pm
(18) No Name says:

My question: What is Bob’s problem? I’ve told him I’m interested. He knows what I look like. He knows my background, schooling, etc. His brother-in-law has met me, knows my reputation, and in fact told me that Bob was talking about me at a family get-together recently. But Bob would rather date other women. Are all men this confusing, with mixed messages and rules that only they know?”

I think you already got your answer,but here’s something more: he know’s what you look like,your background,schooling, etc. His brother-in-law has met you, knows your reputation, and in fact told me that Bob was talking about me at a family get-together recently. But Bob would rather date other women.Don’t you see,he is not into you.
And no we are not confused at all.
Someone else is more confused.
No offense intended.

August 18, 2010 at 9:44 pm
(19) Phyllis says:

Dating is hard Sandoxes. Finding the right one is even harder. I agree with everyone who said it’s best to start with getting clear on you and what you want.

August 19, 2010 at 5:57 pm
(20) Ellen says:

I met my husband at a fun communication group called a mark group. it’s a way you can really easily find out about another person in a safe, controlled and fun way with the support of others who may want more for you than you think you deserve. check out http://www.lafayettemorehouse.com/markgroup_schedule.html to find out where there is one near you.

September 27, 2010 at 3:11 pm
(21) Large Vibrators says:

Great post..I loved to read your articles..keep posting..!!

October 10, 2011 at 10:10 am
(22) Daliwood says:

Sandboxes, I think the reason you got negative responses to your post is that you didn’t say the part where he had pursued you a bit… as I read in your later comments, he did show interest in you… certainly flirting with you, talking about you to his family and hinting at a future date would indicate interest… it sounds like this was a case of mixed messages. Something happened where he was offended or his ego was hurt or maybe he just changed his mind but regardless, he wasn’t emotionally.honest with you and left you feeling like you did something wrong or weren’t good enough. Not true… getting an immature man to navigate his emotions is nearly impossible at times. You are not crazy, just human. Better things are out there for you… be happy you learned that about him before you became more involved. Best to you.

October 17, 2011 at 6:37 pm
(23) cat says:

he lie to me and say he was going to the shop to get a soap then I say ok and he went to my friend house and hod sex with her and my sister cauht him and i boke up with him thay why don trust them man and all that time that
was hi sister

have a good day girl by cat

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