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Bonny Albo

Will My Boyfriend Ever Commit Dating Question

By July 26, 2012

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In the dating forums, a reader asks: My boyfriend (27) and I (28) have been together for more than two years. The first year was long-distance, but we saw one another fairly regularly and now we live in the same city, although over the past three months, he's traveled a lot for work and only comes home every two weekends. We get along fabulously--he makes me laugh, he's charming, he's affectionate. BUT, I feel like I always struggle to spend time with him when he's home. I feel like we're drifting apart and I'm becoming more and more needy and demanding of his time, which annoys ME, so I can only imagine how he must feel.

I've wanted to live together for the past year but he refuses to talk about it, other than to say that he's not ready. I've gotten sick of waiting around for him, so I'm moving out in a couple of months (we both live with our parents right now, but I've lived on my own for 7 years before, whereas he's just been on his own for one year a couple of years ago).

I feel so torn--I do not want to break up with him. I love him, I have fun with him, we have the most fabulous and stimulating conversations (as long as it's not about 'us'), and he's someone that I could see myself marrying and having children with--he would be a wonderful father. I'm not ready to get married or have children yet, but my worst fear is that I get stuck is a going-nowhere relationship and then it gets to the point where I'm too old to have kids! I know that he wants to get married and have children one day too, but I'm just afraid that's going to be in ten years from now which is too long for me to wait. I know we need to talk about this but I'm terrified because I just know it will lead to us breaking up, which I don't want.

What do you think? Should this reader initiate a conversation with her boyfriend anyway, or should she let sleeping dogs lie and wait it out? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

Related: Is He Afraid of Commitment?

July 26, 2008 at 8:47 am
(1) Taira says:

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like this is a good match for you. I’m all for putting effort into relationships, but it sounds like you’re the one willing to put in all of the work. You’re relationship should make you happy, not left feeling “needy and demanding”. You also might want to read “He’s just not that into you”. It’s eye opening and to the point. Two years seems like a lot of time, so don’t waste anymore of it on a guy that won’t even discuss moving forward with you. Take care.

July 26, 2008 at 8:21 pm
(2) Connie G. says:

I agree with Taira. If you are putting in all the work, then you have to consider if he is worth waiting for – which he may be. But, just because you have a good time together doesn’t mean that he is “the one.”

July 29, 2008 at 9:19 am
(3) Robin B. says:

I would suggest that you start living your life for you. Take time to find a hobby, read, visit museums. Date yourself and make yourself happy. Pressuring someone to commit never works and actually sends most people running. When you value yourself and see and feel like you are the best, others around you feel and see it too. There are plenty of men out there who will see it too. Trust me when I say that when you truly love yourself others will too. You won’t be alone for long if this relationship doesn’t work out.

August 9, 2008 at 6:57 am
(4) Carlton says:

When it comes to dating girls are generally the most fearful of players. But what they don’t know is the most dangerous type of guy is the type that strings a girl along for years.

The guy will genuinely like the girl and happy to share a life together but will never commit. I just wrote about such men on my blog, because I was one of them in my last relationship.

There’s multiple reasons why such men fear commitment. They might just be too young to even get married. What profession and how much education did you boyfriend have? If he’s in a competitive industry that requires a lot of education and he’s very career orientated, then his career might be number one in his head. He might not be ready to settle down until well into his 30′s.

Are his parents divorced? Some people who’s parents were divorced when they are young have a fear of marriage and commitment.

To aovid dating a guy that will string you along forever. Sit him down and have a frank and serious chat. Say you love him but can’t waste your precious time dating a guy who won’t commit. Find out why he won’t commit and give him an ultimatum (6 months).

You might not want to force him away but girls need to realise there are lots of good guys out there, and wasting precious time on one that won’t settle is not a wise decision.

October 26, 2008 at 12:36 pm
(5) Tori says:

I was in a similar situation. I am a 30 year old woman and after dating a man (that was previously divorced and had custody of his 9 year old daughter) for over a year, I decided to see where the relationship was going. My boyfriend was quite clear that he did not know whether he wanted to get married or have kids (despite frequent discussions that he initiated indicating otherwise). I decided to be honest with myself and knowing that I ultimately wanted marriage and kids, I decided to leave. I think it is important to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend. Dont settle for less that you deserve because of a fear of being alone or losing him. If you continue to live your life in search of what you want you will ultimately find someone who is on the same page with you and wants the same things out of life. Every minute you waste being unhappy about your current situation is one minute lost being happy somewhere else.

November 1, 2008 at 8:03 pm
(6) nandu says:

I really luv you guys for saying such things… I am goin through a similar situation now…… A guy few weeks back who told me that he was willing to commit and wait for me for 2 years…. is now telling me that he needs time to decide…. and that he is only 50 percent sure…. Just because I took a fast decision… He suddenly backed out…. I think guys want girls who are very cautious and who dont blindly luv someone…. They really wanna win over a girl’s heart…. If they get a girl’s attention, time and love easily… They dont value it that much….. SO, the best thing to do is…. give the guy a tough time…. and once u feel its enough… then… think about it.. and even after you commit…. be disciplined and draw lines… when it has to be drawn… It might be difficult in the beginning…. But, in the end… you will really be appreciated for it…

November 2, 2008 at 7:39 pm
(7) Chloe says:

Thanks for the good advice!

March 25, 2009 at 2:52 pm
(8) col says:

i have a question me & my boyfriend moved to florida together im 19 he is 22
one night i decide to go lay in bed when he was watching tv are naighbor knocked on the door & he went into her house i didnt think anything of this are naighbor was real friendly..about 20 mins passed so i knocked on her door no one answered so i walked in i saw my b.f with no shirt on & the girl right across from the room he was in….he told me she tryed to grope him a few days passed & i didnt know what to think 3 days later i came hom from work he told me he didnt think we should be together & was falling out of love with me i slept at my dads house that night when i came home he packed he stuff & moved back to nj leaving me in fl……………………………what should i think?
i moved back to nj and we are seeing eachother agian he says he never cheated & he moved because he felt like he was falling out of love & his family was up in nj and he had no one to turn to…..what should i think please help…

May 29, 2009 at 3:44 am
(9) charlene says:

I’d say if I were you, I’d tell him “listen either you want committment or not I need an answer right now or its done. If he gets all watever about it, hes not the one for you. You specifically said you want committment and if hes not ready to say yes now, then hes not ready, but best you know now then later. You want a man who wants commitment, screw the pressure it takes on him, if he loves you that much he;’ll come around soon. Because its either committment or Ill find someone else who will love me that much. Theres plenty of fish in the sea and different loves out there. If he isnt ready to fulfill your needs, hes not ready for you. Iam 100 percent positive. good luck

May 29, 2009 at 3:51 am
(10) charlene karras says:

to the comment above mine, see how it goes with this guy, if you catch him doing something suspicious like this again, get the hell out of there because he already gave you enough signs the first time that he was doing stuff with someone else, groping is no excuse when it leads into someone elses house! With his shirt off for another reason. If you have to stay for living reasons then fine, but if you have enough will power to live on your own and find him doing this bull again. For gods sake do yourself a favor, find an honest relationship with someone who truly loves you and take care of yourself first. dont give up your stuff for someone else.

May 29, 2009 at 3:55 am
(11) charlene karras says:

col your bf is lying and cheating, learn to love yourself and find a man who will be honest to you. Leave him! No one shirt just falls off in someone elses house. Just because someone groped him is no excuse.

May 29, 2009 at 3:56 am
(12) charlene karras says:

your bf is a cheater

May 29, 2009 at 4:00 am
(13) charlene karras says:

that message was for col

June 7, 2009 at 10:57 pm
(14) Vanessa says:

I am engaged and have been for 4 months. MY fiance is a very good man but also very complicated. I do everything for us. I clean the house every day, i cook every day, i am very supportive and he is too, i am very pattient, quiet and I don’t bitch for anything.My fiance is 44 yrs old, previously engaged and called it off, he had a very troubled relationships with bad women. I feel that he constantly equests some changes in our relationship because he is afraid to get married. I think that he is bored of this quiet relationship because he is not used to this. We had an argument a week ago because he told me that i am not motivated and we are not in the same page. While he is obssesed with playing golf every weekend, doesn’t really invite me to do anything with him on the weekend. What do you guys think?

June 10, 2009 at 5:05 am
(15) Danielle says:

He sounds like a selfish guy to be honest. How are your needs met? Why do you do everything while he golfs?

September 10, 2009 at 7:24 am
(16) Diana says:

The very fact that you admit a talk would lead to a break up shows the instablitity of this relationship. Looks like you’re the only one putting in the effort.
I understand what it feels like. Tears your heart apart and the pain is physical. Yet, look at it in the long term. If you do not find out his intentions or make him state his mind now, you end up losing time and the opportunity of meeting another great guy who might be willing to live your dream. :)
Fear cripples. You’re independant and own your life. Let no one lay out the terms and conditions for the way you live.
Wish you all the best and a lot of wisdom :)

April 24, 2010 at 1:52 pm
(17) Sonia says:

You helped me a lot Diana. My situation is very much similar to the one posted here. I was dating this guy for a year and we had a great time. However something in me always told me that he would never commit. I was just a pass phase for him. When I confronted him, he said that he did not feel it. He was not sure if he would be ready anytimr in future but would like to carry on with our relation as he was having the best time of his life. On one hand I wanted to leave things the way they were, but on the other hand I was getting broken.. I knew that he did not love me and maybe would never. It hurt a lot to leave him, and it still hurts.. but I think being lonely is better than feeling helpless. I am independent, I don’t see why I should be an object for pity. Thanks to you all..

August 30, 2012 at 3:18 pm
(18) LD says:

I am a 45 and divorced for 3 years. I started dating a man 48 years old and has been divorced for 6 years. He has not dated anyone for 6 years and didnt ever want a girlfriend again because of being hurt by infidelity in his past two marriages. We have now been dating for 8 months, believe me it hasnt been easy on me at all because I have had to do everything in order to get him to see me, text me, call me and date me. It has finally gotten a little better but still very difficult to get him to see me. I am usually the one doing all the planning of everything we do. I feel like if I didnt we wouldnt see each other. All along he told me that relationships are to hard and he will never work at another one again. Last week he told me that he will never marry or have a live in again. We love each other, but I do want to live with someone again and eventually get married. Am I waisting my time with him, do I move on and find someone who wants to love me like no other and eventually marry me. Im lost and dont know what the right thing to do is. Please help and give me an opinion!

April 19, 2013 at 1:58 am
(19) charlene says:

Alll of you do yourselves a favor, either be single for the rest of your life, or put up with eachother’s crap for the good and bad of life, because that’s as good as any relationship will ever get, guarantee you from my point of view of every relationship I have ever had.

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