Tina asks: "A guy I've been dating has just told me he loves me (3 days ago). Today I get a call asking if I know about computers. I called back and said no, not really. He tells me his computer is not working, someone in has "hacked" it and I was the only person in the house! I told him I would never do that. He won't believe me."
Thanks for your dating question Tina. It's simple but a good one, because it covers how much you can trust someone early on in a relationship - a concern that comes up often with readers just like you.
First, some basic information. A person does not need to be in your house to hack a computer. It's much more common for hackers to target folks through the internet, and that's not even touching upon the rampant viruses, trojans and other nasties one can attract just by surfing the web or clicking on a link. Accusing you of hacking seems odd, and tells me that your partner doesn't know a lot about how these sorts of things work. About.com's Guide to the Net for Beginners has a huge category devoted to such information and discussions: Viruses, Spyware, Hacking, Scams and Identity Theft and an excellent article on the topic called, "Help! I Think I've Been Hacked!"
Now, you can't change your partner's behavior or how he reacts to his computer falling prey to a hacker. If he doesn't believe you, there isn't much you can do to convince him.
It's time for you to review your relationship. Just because the man said he loves you doesn't mean that he trusts you (unfortunately) - and his actions are saying either he doesn't trust you, is paranoid, or both. A loving partner might get upset considering the circumstances, and they may even get mad at you and accuse you - but love means listening to your partner and hearing what they are saying. Most reasonable folks, after calming down a bit, would realize their accusation unwarranted and apologize. From the sounds of it your partner isn't.
You need to ask yourself some difficult questions now, ones that involve how you feel and what you want. Do you want to be with someone who automatically assumes you want to do harm to him? Can you continue a relationship with a person that doesn't trust or believe you? If he doesn't trust you now - three days after professing his love for you - when will he? Can he? Is this trust issue really about you, or are the walls finally coming down and his true self shining through?
I can't answer these questions for you because I don't have enough information - but you must. Convincing your partner that you're trustworthy isn't the answer here, but rather focusing on yourself and your needs, and whether or not your guy is the guy to provide them.
What say you dear readers? What would you do in this situation? Do you have a suggestion for Tina?
Look, I would think it’s important that you’re happy and if you can find someone you have something in common with, or are compatible, that will help. I live to read, and am more or less insatiable. I actually met my boyfriend on Book Lover Dating. There are others I guess, but that’s the one I fell in love on.
Weird I think the comment above is seriously trying to do some advertising. With not relevancy to the current post. I agree with you Bonny, trust is the number 1 factor when knowing if you going to be with someone and remain.
There is Love lust and there is Love Trust. Depending on which the partner has chosen to determine their love for you is the real question you should ask yourself.
I think you are very wise NICK. Wish more men thought like that! I fell victim to false acusations all the time, I always thought it would get better and never did.
u re right relationship is all abt trust,if ur partner dnt trust u i see no reason been in such relationsip cos is going no where only cos u pains always.
Cool dating site.
i would drop him like a bad habit ! i recently left a relationship were my girl kept wrongfully blaming all kinds of outrageous things on me and i can tell you it started out small and just got crazy and when it was all over it turned out she was cheating on me .
food for thought
I agree that this reaction says something about him — it could be that once he became close, said ILY, that all his suspicioiusness about women (which you had not seen before) rushed to the surface and got expressed in this situation (and would have in any convenient situation). It starts a conflict so you see immediately a push-pull about how he deals with you (ILY pulls you closer, accusing you and mistrusting you makes distance) — so this could be a “rollercoaster” sort of relationship if you continued. A more cynical possibility is that he regreted saying ILY and had no way to back out of things unless he accused you, made you mad, in which case maybe you would drop him. None of these possibilities bodes well for building a trusting intimate relationship — and please don’t fall in love with his “potential.”
I agree. When my new friend stated she loved me & I didn’t respond in kind, it’s been emotionally downhill from there. Since she didn’t get a positive emotional reaction out of me, I feel she’s trying to force a negative emotional reaction out of me. Say she’s coming over- doesn’t. Meet for dinner- has to babysit- It’s an emotional spanking.
I do agree with Nick.Some people are there just to disturb others. It sounds he is not into you but wants to confuse your mind and waste your time.If at this early time he is doing that then it means he is never a trustworthy man only fooling you!
One question is, if it is a nigerian 419 type scam, in the hope of you sending a new computer they pull this type of stuff.
If you have been internet dating and after 3 days they are falling inlove then I would question the intensions.
If it is a nigerian scam??? then you will have to wait to see if they are stuck in a motel needing food, passport, got bashed, money to pay the workers, money problems.
All of a sudden the internet date has to travel to Nigeria as a business or contract job.
He needs to fix his computer problems, that you have no control over.
If it is a question of sending money then don’t it has been a 3 day romance not a 3 to 6 month.
Also have you met this man in person or just seen any photo they have sent you, due to not working webcam and voice playing up.
Just my opinion,
Good Luck,
PaulAustraliaTeamTv
Wow! What’s the question here? If the SOB accuses you of this and won’t listen, dump the bastard and find someone who really cares about YOU! If you have to work this hard they why would you want to keep this dude. How can you WANT to continue with a relationship like this? Guess people do and maybe that’s why divorce court is always so busy. Find someone who CARES, not ACCUSES.
From my experience (and my research) is that in many relationships partners don’t trust eachother to the fullest and keyloggers are very common.
Scan your computer with updated A-V (antivirus) software to be sure that you’re not infected.