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Bonny Albo

What Do You Do When You Just Don't Feel It?

By October 16, 2012

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Mel asks: "I've known this guy for a few months now. We spend most of our free time together, have shared numerous intimate (not sexual) experiences, and tell each other 'I love you' regularly. We're both in our 30's, and he's never had a romantic or sexual relationship, while I'm a single parent. I recently asked him if we're dating, and he said he doesn't feel it for me, doesn't have any curiosity as to what it would be like to really kiss me, have sex, or enter into a romantic relationship together, but several of his close friends have told him to continue forward with me to see if things evolve or change. He, however, doesn't think it will, but because he cares for me so much and thinks it would be amazing if we did end up together, he's 'staying in close proximity' just in case. He also said he feels like he's leading me on, and yet those near and dear to him have strongly suggested he just needs to be patient, because they found deep, exceptional, romantic love with someone they weren't initially attracted to, it just took time.

I really have no idea what to do. Do I continue forward with him and see what happens? Do I leave and nurse my broken heart for a man I love dearly, and with whom I've deeply connected with? Help!"

What do you think, dear readers? I'm all ears for your suggestions, advice and personal stories on this one, as I've debated a very similar topic with friends and colleagues recently without finding a consensus.

October 18, 2012 at 2:02 am
(1) Brandon De Hoyos says:

I just got out of this situation myself, actually: One person wants to stay in the relationship, the other (in this case, myself) doesn’t feel it will pan out. The problem with this situation is that the writing is on the wall, and either both parties are too afraid to be honest about to spare the other’s feelings, or, too naive to notice how this is a very damaging thing to let continue.

I believe it is best for this reader to end the relationship right now. If she stays in this relationship, chances are very good his feelings won’t change. They have had a few months to let it work. If it hasn’t solidified after a few months, then it won’t work out in a few more months.

Furthermore, the fact he has no interest in kissing or sexuality tells me he’s really not into this woman like that. He may love her, but he’s not in love with her. Big difference.

October 18, 2012 at 2:26 pm
(2) gabriela says:

continue with it..there is no pain in giving anything a try

October 18, 2012 at 10:16 pm
(3) Mel says:

Sounds like he’s asexual. If he’s in his 30s and has never been interested in a romantic or sexual relationship, he probably will never really want one.

October 23, 2012 at 1:36 pm
(4) Steve says:

If he’s telling you he doesn’t “feel it” for you, I’d believe him, and move on.

October 24, 2012 at 5:58 pm
(5) Doug says:

At the very least, this guy is unfamiliar and uneasy about sex (if he is not asexual or gay), so trying something intimate that does not involve being naked may be the thing for him to get started.. Otherwise, he is just gay or asexual which would be a shame for you – sorry. Don’t take it personally – it has nothing to do with you.

October 25, 2012 at 11:22 am
(6) Karma says:

I’m sorry, but when a man says, “…he doesn’t feel it for me, doesn’t have any curiosity as to what it would be like to really kiss me, have sex, or enter into a romantic relationship together”, but he’s sticking around because his friends think he should, that pretty much tells you everything you need to know, and you should listen. I think that if this man is in his thirties, and has never had a romantic or sexual relationship, he likely has some issues beyond your control. Do you really want to be in love with someone who sees and treats you as just a close friend? Get out now, and find a man who isn’t afraid of sex and intimacy. And read the book He’s Just Not That Into You, while you’re at it.

October 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm
(7) Brian says:

I think you should both date other people, and see how you feel about each other. Maybe, it will work out with you both at the right time. But I don’t think it is helpful to try to force a relationship that is not there. Since you care about each other, I think you should still be friends, and if that is all the relationship ends up being, that is still a good thing.

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