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Bonny Albo

From Relationship To Casual Sex?

By January 10, 2013

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Linds asks: "I was in a relationship with a guy 14 years younger than me - I'm 37 and he's 23. He adored me, the sex life was great and he was the one who was always saying he loved me and that he wanted to be with me forever. I also have a 6 year old boy but he felt that wasn't a problem.

Suddenly, four months into the relationship he started saying that he wasn't good enough for me that he wasn't good at relationships. Of course he still loved me and it was nothing to do with my wee boy, although he did state he was not ready to be a family. Interestingly, I have never mentioned us being a family and was certainly not looking for it, although I had always stated that I came as a package with my son an my son always came first. He said that was never a problem and went so far as to praise me as a mum.

Anyway. Now wants us to see each other but with no commitment and no relationship - although there would still be sex. Neither of us would see anyone else but if someone came along for me he wouldn't stand in my way. I don't know what to do because I do love him deeply and thought we might have a future but never mentioned it to him. What do I do?"

Linds, I think this might be a situation of too much, too soon. Four months isn't a long time to be in a relationship, much less "love him deeply" or have your six-year-old involved. What it IS time for however is for both of you to review the relationship and see if it has legs - meaning, if it can go the distance. The 4-6 month mark is about where most folks start thinking about this.

This might sound harsh, but it sounds like your relationship has run its course. Your ex-boyfriend has thought about what's next, and he's made it clear he's not ready to be a family man and only wants a casual sex (yet committed) relationship with you now. Thing is, you can't go back, and it isn't your fault that he has realized (quite suddenly) that its not the life he's ready for.

My recommendation? Don't agree to his terms. You want a relationship - and there's nothing wrong with that. But right now, he doesn't. Let him know that you'll think of your time together fondly, but that a casual sex relationship isn't something you are ready for at this time in YOUR life. Then, break contact with him for a bit. Take some time to mourn what you had, learn from the breakup, and find some new ways to make yourself feel good. Then, in a month or two - if the relationship was only a few months old anyway - its time to brush yourself off and start dating again. Try reading Love in 90 Days (conservative thinking but a ton of fun) or The Four Man Plan (could offend some readers but refreshing and practical) for concrete ideas and tactics to get you back on your dating feet again.

Related: Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others (explains why younger men aren't ready for something serious, yet), How Strong Is Your Love?, Dating Younger Men.

January 21, 2010 at 4:05 pm
(1) Ray says:

After Four months your boyfriend states he is not interested in a relationship or commitment, but is willing to still see you for sex. How big of him! He looked at what the future possibly had in store with you, and decided that he did not want to become a ‘family man’.
I agree with Bonny that the relationship is over, though you obviously still care about him alot. You really should try and move on with your life.

January 21, 2010 at 7:38 pm
(2) Rachel Vincent says:

Great advice Bonny! Sometimes it is so easy to try to justify a step back in the relationship as a temporary one. It is nice to have this called out so clearly. :)

January 22, 2010 at 6:52 am
(3) Tanya says:

I agree that it’s best to cut your losses with this guy & move on. I like his terms of “being sexually monogamous until 1 of you find something better.” NOT! He’s saying “be my sex buddy until I find something better, but til then I will have to make do with you.” You know what you want. You’d be doing a diservice to yourself by settling for way less. Also, very young people-especially guys change tremendously & often dont know what they want. How much have you changed from who you were at age 23? My point is sooner or later with 14 yr age gap-older or younger-is a different stage of life an bound to have major obstacles, esp young guy wantn 2 b a dad-7 to 12 yr later. Ive been both the older & younger partner with age gaps, so I know. I feel 4u & wish u the best.

January 22, 2010 at 11:45 am
(4) Peace says:

You know I was in a relationship over 3-years with a man and it went bad, he suddenly wanted to be friends handout now and then, I was so shock and hurt, know the saying you hurt those you love, I sent terrible text to him, it was just crazy. This man did not want anything else to do with me, you will end up like I did, hurting yourself, now he wants to see each other and not date, he do not really want me, I think I just move on, I am better than than, I am very smart, very attractive, and single and getting ready to retire from my second career in 3-years. At this point I can do bad alone, and I am not going to make anyone be with me ever again. I am telling you do not do it, its going to be hard, but count your lost and move on, that man is seeing other women and tryingto figure out whichone of you he will keep. This is how I feel about my situation, I am not getting any time, no weekends only when he is available, tired of the game, God did not put anyone of his children to be alone. I know I am a good women and one day it will happen for both of us. So enjoy life, and better yourself and take one day at a time.

January 24, 2010 at 10:54 am
(5) sam says:

my dear, i just have a question for you. do you find fufilment after having this sex or do you till feel like a slave of passion who is seeking for joy and feels can be gotten just by dating? may be u r looking for something more than relationship; a thing you cannot name which i may guess may be a peaceful life. why not just a day off put of your phone and look for a quite place and just keep saying creator of the universe speak to my heart.

January 25, 2010 at 9:58 pm
(6) Jack says:

Reality meets fantasy… Of course I may ruffle some feathers but the much younger (whether male or female) are not stable relationship material… The young males couple up with attractive older women because it’s like the school teacher/student fantasy…sex and something to brag about. As she ages she is less useful.

Males in the what used to be generally appropriate range for women of the appropriate younger range (but males above 45) are looking for great relationships for their remaining years… so an older woman is less likely to be dumped for a younger one, they just enter old age gracefully together.

So these young bucks use older women and dump them once they start to loose their atttractiveness…and if they hold on too long, its to late for the women to attract any other quality males of the right age.

January 31, 2010 at 1:28 pm
(7) lindsay says:

thanks for all the advice, i have ended the relationship and i am moving on with life. Im not as heart broken as i thought and if anything its giving me confidence to date again but it wont be a younger man , no offence but not what am lookin for

February 9, 2010 at 1:21 pm
(8) Mark says:

Thanks for sharing. Good Advice.

January 17, 2013 at 11:09 am
(9) Mark says:

Good for you Lindsay. I believe love has a way of finding us and not something we search for. We live our lives, follow our dreams, passions and interests. Good luck on your journey while enjoying the relationship with your son, a very special bond.

January 19, 2013 at 2:56 am
(10) Tony says:

REMINDS ME of that gourmand who decided to become a gourmet and no longer wanted to bother with the heavy 5-course meals, but who instead frequented the eating places just for its desserts.

January 27, 2013 at 5:38 pm
(11) Love Heart says:

I Find that to conquer love can be a challenge for many of us, especially in today’s society when lots of people are just intimate buddies it makes you wonder is there room for love hope relationships an values of growing a family.
Well If we start an some point in our life an say I am not going to be apart of this new sex buddy friends with benefits trend an start a new traditional trend of respecting our self an seeking a long lasting mate that except us for who we are. It starts some where Try Matchcupids.com were love is in the air,.

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