1. People & Relationships
You can opt-out at any time. Please refer to our privacy policy for contact information.

Discuss in my forum

Bonny Albo

How Do I Get Him To Talk To Me?

By May 24, 2013

Follow me on:

Rachel asks: "I can't get a hot guy to talk to me, no matter what I do. They only want to talk to the really gorgeous girls, which I'm not. I'm not ugly though, and I think I'm a pretty cool person with a lot to offer. What do I have to do to get a cute, great guy interested in me?"

Ah, Rachel. I think most young women (and men, for that matter) ask a similar question at some point in their in their youth. Actually, that's not true: I think we all wonder at times why, for whatever reason, some people are more attracted to other people than they are us. I've spoken to women in every age bracket with some variation of this question, so I don't think you're alone in your quest or frustration, nor do I think it an unusual one. If anything, it takes courage to ask something so raw, and for that I applaud you.

To the meat of your question however, there are two answers I can give you:

  • If someone doesn't think you're amazing, it's time to focus on the people who think you are; and
  • Physical attraction is only one aspect of a romantic relationship, and although very important, not the only factor you need to look at when "trying to get a guy to talk to you".

Let me clarify a bit, starting with the first point. For those of us who aren't stunningly beautiful, who don't stop cars on the street or who don't sport movie-star looks when we roll out of bed, we have to do more than just look good to attract someone. In my opinion, that's a good thing. I'd much rather that someone found me hot because of the way my mind works, how I raise my children, or a twinkle in my eye than my physicality. We look different as we age, and our bodies will likely not remain the same either, so if someone finds me interesting or "hot", I hope it's because of who I am as a person and something that probably won't change much. In turn, I look for these same qualities in anyone I've dated, because they have to sport more than just a great body or a pretty face for me to find them attractive.

I realize I'm not in the majority with this mindset, and have been told many, many times throughout the years by friends and coaching clients that it's unreasonable to think physicality doesn't matter when it comes to meeting someone. See, I agree, but want to put it out there that there's more than just oh-my-gawd-he's-so-hot-I'm-going-to-puke-right-now-if-I-look-him-in-the-eye to a dating relationship. There has to be for any relationship to have legs, and thus, why I urge you to focus more on people that (a) appreciate more than just your physical beauty, and (b) take on the same behavior yourself.

For those of you who feel I haven't answered Rachel's question, I'll give you one more tidbit that may or may not be helpful: there are few things more attractive than confidence. Work on any self-doubts you have, find your inner spark, cultivate a cheerful mindset, and make yourself happy, and men of all kinds will flock to you.

What do you think, dear readers? Is there some magic thing you can do to make a "hot" guy talk to you, or interested in pursuing something? Have you done it, and if so, how? Or, do you disagree with my advice entirely, and think we should all strive for something different?

Related: New Law of Attraction? Have Them Come To You, Physical Attraction Makes Us Less Able To Make A Good Impression, Is He Interested? Quiz, How Much Do Looks Matter?, Peacocking, Zsa Zsa Zu.

May 19, 2012 at 3:54 pm
(1) Rodrigo says:

I totally agree with you!

“There are few things more attractive than self-confidence.”

and is better to find someone that likes you for what you are, not for how you appear.

Thanks!! :)

May 21, 2012 at 7:27 am
(2) Grace Pamer says:

Hi Bonnie,

I don’t think you can ever really take physical attractiveness out of the equation but I totally agree it is all about the personality when it comes to a partner and character trumps looks every time for me. In fact the older we get and the more our bodies change it strikes me that you can very easily spot those who were probably an adonis in their youth because they tend to be very shallow, lacking in personality and generally, a bit boring. Yes a sweeping statement but an observation from my encounters through life.

So in short target character over looks because finding a companion who makes you laugh through life is far more important than finding a model for a partner. Sure they look good but some can be a real bore (and think how many nights in you’re going to have one day with this person!!). :-)


May 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm
(3) Alissa C DiCarlo says:

As a girl who dates only other girls, I can tell you that it’s easier. Everything is easier.

May 29, 2012 at 12:39 am
(4) Alissa C DiCaro says:

And I would take you any day Bonnie; jus sayin. Any day. You’re hot and intellectual, and that’s sooo
sexy! ;-)

May 30, 2013 at 2:15 pm
(5) dave says:

I can sympathise with Rachel. It is so difficult to find nice people out there . I must say that perhaps you are looking in the wrong places Rachel . If i met her out and about somewhere i would probably like to begin a friendship with her . If you are a plesant person with a nice smile , that means alot to me.

June 2, 2013 at 11:24 am
(6) Tatyana says:

I can give to Rachel one advise. First of all don’t think about yourself when you talk with a man, just try to focus your attention on himself. Ask him about something….but be ready to hear about his favourite football team (sometimes it must be interesting:)))

Leave a Comment

Line and paragraph breaks are automatic. Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title="">, <b>, <i>, <strike>

©2014 About.com. All rights reserved.