1. People & Relationships

Discuss in my forum

Bonny Albo

Why Are They Online If They Don't Want To Date?

By June 27, 2013

Follow me on:

In the dating forums, a reader asks: "Why is it that when i eamil women onlie,most don't even give me the courtesy of a "no,thanks?"I've emailed or winked at hundreds of women,but hardly anyone responds.I compliment them and tell them that i'd like to get to know them better.

Nothing... what is with these ladies?why are they online if they don't want to date?"

It's not that we don't want to date. It's probably one of several reasons:

  • The dating site you're on doesn't purge their database regularly, so folks could be long gone and you'll never know (this is most of the major dating sites, by the way);

  • The profiles are merely dummy profiles, i.e. dating scammers or smaller sites trying to pump up their numbers;

  • The women are overwhelmed with responses and can't reply to everyone. When I first signed onto a dating site many years ago, I received more than 100 people contacting me every single day. There was no way I could say, "Thanks but no thanks," to everyone;

  • Keeping the last one in mind, when there are a lot of people contacting a woman, they have to use some sort of method to weed folks out easily. Spelling, grammar or typing mistakes - of which there were plenty in your email to me - are usually the first things folks notice, and thus, rarely get a response.

  • Another way of weeding out lots of online suitors is to see if the person has really taken the time to look at their profile and reply with something that seems genuine and interested. If all you're doing is copying and pasting the same, "Hey, you seem cool, wanna talk?" to all of the women you are contacting, then you're unlikely to get a response.

Several dating sites have posted their reply rates, meaning, how often people receive a reply to their first email. 1-3% is normal, anything more than 5% is excellent. Sad, I know - but if you really hear what I'm saying, you can easily increase your response rates by really reading someone's profile, commenting or joking about something they've mentioned, and making the email personal. I'd also take a look at your dating profile, as there may be something in it that's turning women off from replying to you.

Related: Why Am I Not Getting Responses To My Dating Profile?, Dating Profile Don'ts, How To Write a Dating Profile.

Comments
June 24, 2010 at 3:37 pm
(1) penny says:

I am in my early 50′s and have been online many times to these dating sites. Most of the men that contact me either just send an email that says they like my profile, they have poor grammar/ spelling, the pictures on their profile are of their car, dog, backyard, shirtless, or with other women. All are turn offs. Just as much a turnoff is someone who is too flattering and complimentary in an opening email. I happen to be one of those women that always sends a “not interested” or “no thanks” note to someone who either contacts or winks at me. (many of them don’t take no for an answer, which is an entirely different column for you to write). Oh….and let’s have a column about the men that send out hundreds of winks then when the woman replies; she never hears from him back. What’s up with that? Shooting fish in a barrel with a shotgun? Bottom line: Realize that if I am really interested in you; you will know it.

June 25, 2010 at 5:52 am
(2) scrambled says:

This is so true. I’ve experienced the same things. The guys do it too. And it’s not only sending “winks”. I’ve sent out genuine, well written, personal notes over the years and received nothing or next to nothing in return. I don’t personally feel the internet is a good investment of time.

June 26, 2010 at 9:46 pm
(3) sharon says:

This is so true, they might even either be too shy or just not serious about dating. Some might work out well but if not, better find other ways to find a partner.

June 28, 2010 at 10:42 pm
(4) Ray says:

Me and this gurl has been talking on webcam for almost every night and I think we both like each other. For me I totally love her and I am dead sure she feels the same way for me. Here is the problem we haven’t meet each other in real. I live in Toronto and She lives in Chicago. So its very hard for us to actually meet in real. I will soon move to Windsor on campus to attend university so I’m now at Windsor which is much closer to Chicago but still far away. I am planning something this summer to go visit once but I’m not sure if thats gonna happen because of money issues. I really don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I should find someone else and I should give up on her and move on but I feel it’s the hardest thing to do. I’m really confused :S .

June 29, 2010 at 2:32 pm
(5) dadshouse says:

Part of the problem with a site like match.com is that you have to pay to play. A look at match.com’s parent company’s annual report shows match only has 1.2 million paying subscribers each quarter. Yet some reports say match has 20 milliion profiles. That’s a lot of “dead” profiles who aren’t going to respond when you write to them.

http://dadshouseblog.com/2010/04/21/match-com-okcupid-online-dating-falls-short/

June 29, 2010 at 10:01 pm
(6) arnell johnson says:

Personally, I never use dating sites nothing takes the place of an intimate face to face interaction.

June 30, 2010 at 3:30 am
(7) Jenna says:

I’ve also signed to an online Dating site I also got many many mails. But I wouldn’t spend most of my time to respond them all. so I only respond to the mails which interests me.

July 1, 2010 at 11:09 am
(8) needsadate says:

Like all the other people in here, i certainly agree. I have to say that it is not really all bout the system messing up but they are just too busy to get back to some messages. If you are not really into online dating then bettet not be on and leave some souls waiting.

July 1, 2010 at 11:35 am
(9) Julie Spira says:

Online dating is truly a number game. It can be compared to looking for a job. You send out a lot of resumes and rarely receive a reply. But when you do, you need to act in a timely manner, as the man or woman writing to you, is writing to many more as well. Just like you won’t give up on your job search, you should look at online dating as a way to select someone online and meet them offline as soon as possible. Great post Bonny.

July 1, 2010 at 12:00 pm
(10) Alabama Hitch says:

its simple, stop complimenting them, point out some thing funny or odd in there photo, or just ask if they were having a bad hair day. every guy that writes them kisses their bum. stand out !!

and say something stupid in the subject line…attractive women are hit on daily and unless you do something cool then your just another meat head trying to get in her pants.

July 1, 2010 at 4:14 pm
(11) rhodafoo says:

I do not respond to emails with poor grammar or spelling. If someone wants to meet me, they should send at least a sentence/question or two in order that I would have something to which to respond.

July 1, 2010 at 5:37 pm
(12) Jack Strawman says:

Dating sites should purge their databases of inactive members at least ever three months. There should be a system in place that the person receives three email warnings, and then the membership is deleted.

Nevertheless, it is important that members don’t email and expect reply’s from other members who have not been active in a month or so. Personally, I only email other singles who have been on in at least the last few days.

July 1, 2010 at 8:35 pm
(13) leisha says:

i have been on every lesbian dating site and have not found anyone that was interseted in me i really don’t know what i must do to have a girlfriend/life partner. i’m not such a bad woman to date if only theses single ladies would give me a chance rather than base there opinion on someone online profile based on there looks and should really get to know the female inside.

July 2, 2010 at 2:06 am
(14) needsadate says:

@ Leisha I completely agree with you. The not-so-good thing about dating sites is that like 95% of the people look on the superficial beauty of a person. BUT just keep looking, you’ll find a partner soon.

July 4, 2010 at 12:23 pm
(15) Brian says:

I think the most important thing is not to take it personally. You have no way of knowing why the person is not responding. It has nothing to do with you, so I would suggest concentrating on the process, and not the end result.

July 7, 2010 at 11:36 am
(16) Dare Adewumi says:

Thanks Mr(or Mrs)Moderator. I ve always wondered the same all along but with all this explanations i can now understand, such sites as dating sites is clearly not a good way to invest ur time. I ve observed also that criminals make use of female pictures to entice men to patronise their sites. What an eye opener!

July 7, 2010 at 8:38 pm
(17) Robin says:

I was a rather active member of several online dating sites and then I went to graduate school and had NO time to date. I was still curious to see who was on (when you’re frustratingly bored, you want to know how the other half lives) and the sites wouldn’t let you browse unless you had an active profile. When people wrote to me, I didn’t have the time or energy to write back. I would have taken it off if they would allow me to browse without the profile.

July 8, 2010 at 8:21 pm
(18) Bruce Peight says:

I consider myself a veteran guy of online dating, three different sites at one time. I finally found the love of my life on eHarmony after a lot of effort. I learned that woman have a lot of reasons to be reluctant to dating. Perhaps a bad previous experience online or a busy life that leaves little time for dating (remember, a well-grounded person “has a life” and is just looking for someone to share it). Most often, I believe, is many women are just unsure about the protocol of online dating and are uncomfortable.
I’ve had women who broke off a date that morning, because their previous guy called from Florida. I dated a woman for three weeks before she decided she still loved her ex, four years after their divorce. I emailed and talked for weeks to three women, who would never consent to a date.
The solution, guys, is to go for quantity. I was always in open communication with ten or twelve women and emailing three or four. My limit for actually dating was two at one time. Enjoy the dating experience, and don’t get hung up when someone doesn’t respond – simply move on.
And, of course, when you find “that special person”, be kind and honest to those to whom you say goodbye. Some day you might be back in the dating game. And you also don’t want to be the cause of someone’s mistrust of men.
Incidentally, I am a 57year-old widower and my sweetheart is 56.

July 23, 2010 at 9:24 am
(19) Rich women hunter says:

I am also on online dating and every time I log in I usually have so many emails. Rich and handsome men are my favorite to chat with. And I only reply on man that passes on my standards. Maybe thatís the other reason why girls donít reply on other guys.

August 5, 2010 at 1:17 pm
(20) Sandboxes says:

I don’t know about other dating sites but on Plenty of Fish, most of the men are very strange, cold-hearted creatures. There is something very wrong with that website. And the people on those forums…nasty, nasty, nasty.

June 22, 2012 at 1:35 pm
(21) g says:

Ive done the pof thing for 18months or so. Cant say Ive been actively engaged fully in using it for all that time, otherwise I’d have gone quite mad. Response rate is generally absolutly awful!

Only had two dates. First one looked so different to her profile I looked right through her when we met (she was opposite build to her pic). 2nd one was different build to her pic… again bigger, but within range. Nice girl… nearly went somewhere, but one of her standards was I had to own my own house… which cut things dead, when trying to arrange 3rd date (we were talking about going back together). I did clearly mention it to her on 1st date… but she blanked it out since lol.

A third girl who quickly exchanged numbers and wanted to meet, kept making dates and breaking them at the last minute… and I’d just let her keep doing it, so long as she didnt stand me up… which she didnt. But she was a waste of time… prob had no intension of ever meeting me.

Will keep trying because there is no reason not to, basically. whist there is a possibility of meeting my match online I will keep trying…. but its a lot of hard work!

Only today heard that a new friend at work met her other half on pof… so there is hope! Its the experience that makes you want to pull all your hair out… it feels like walking over broken glass… lol.

Would I recommend?? ONLY if you’re either serious about it, but have no chance of meeting someone outside…. or you have lots of opportunities to meet people and you dont take pof very seriously at all. The latter guy will fare much better! I am the former… not too many social avenues…

June 28, 2012 at 10:49 am
(22) g says:

I have a lot of odd encounters… flakey behaviour and nonresponse that are sole destroying, considering the amount of time and effort that is needed to get anywhere with online dating (for me anyway).

Currently know a girl that likes to send me messages that are open questions, then when I reply she doesnt answer… then about a fortnight later, she’ll answer and try to start a convo… then stop replying and do it again…

Get replies that go no further than 2 messages.

Better to get out there and meet real people away from their computer.

July 3, 2012 at 8:11 am
(23) Andrew says:

Online dating is a numbers game. I have sat down and read through all kinds of womens’ profiles and sent them a message about something they wrote and no reply. The website I’m on(okcupid) tells you when people view your profile. And when I sent a message to someone they would view my profile and then never reply. So I thought maybe its just because we don’t have much in common. I thought up an experiment and decided to upload a picture of me after I got done working out with my shirt off. You couldn’t see my face, low and behold my reply rate doubled maybe even tripled. Maybe it was a fluke so I went and took the picture off and changed it back to my old one. Quit getting replies and some of the girls just completely stopped talking to me. Most of them just let the convo fizzle out. Meaning they would reply with one word answers. So I just concluded that most girls were shallow and only cared about looks or abs. I deleted my profile and just started meeting people at bars or other places. Out of maybe 20 messages I would send, 14 would view my profile, and 2 would reply.

November 4, 2012 at 7:35 pm
(24) Tink says:

@Andrew
It’s not “shallow” to find someone unattractive. We all have a type. Personally speaking, I won’t reply to any message that says nothing other than “hi”, is littered with spelling errors or if I simply don’t fancy you.

PoF is a haven for uneducated Chavs, fake profiles and STD infested oiks. You’d have to be seriously desperate to date 99.9% of the men on there.

November 30, 2012 at 10:29 pm
(25) sal says:

It’s all looks… The reason you’re not getting many replys is because you’re not the greatest looking… You don’t just have to be goodlooking, you have to be incredibly goodlooking. Women only seek interest in gorgeous men, and if you’re not, it’s pointless to be on a dating site like pof.

January 5, 2013 at 5:40 am
(26) Yeah says:

Many women will not date a guy unless he is wealthy, hansom, and popular. I don’t even know why most women go on dating sites. I think it is just to see how many guys look at their profile to build their ego. They are probably depressed and get a kick out of tons of guys looking at them or something.

April 15, 2013 at 5:32 am
(27) Andy says:

I wanted to meet someone but nobody ever replies. I always comment on their profile and have something funny to say but women online want PERFECT and even though I’m really good looking, judging from all the eyes undressing me everywhere I go & the females I’ve slept with before, females just are not serious enough or are scared. Whatever the reason its SO NOT worth my time. Not when I can get any hot young lady I wish in the real world.

April 25, 2013 at 9:51 pm
(28) Andy says:

You also have to wonder why I can go through any dating site and recognize 85% of the women are the same as 3 years ago & even though they are online every night they can’t find a man after 3 years?

May 1, 2013 at 11:19 pm
(29) Jerry says:

Here is my experience. I am on five dating sites and have dated 9 women in six weeks. I have a date this Friday night with woman #10 and most likely another date Saturday night with woman #11. A few more are waiting their turn (seriously). I am 58, salt and pepper hair, 5’10″ with a few extra pounds… in other words, I’m no hunk. I have dated woman from ages 43 to 60 including one celebrity who was absolutely gorgeous (her dad was a football defensive coordinator at a famous university and her ex was the son of a Heisman Trophy winner). She dated me because I pursued her and asked her out. I dated another woman, aged 43, 5’2″ and barely weighed 100 pounds. Again, very beautiful and I pursued her and asked her out. Another one looked just like an older version of Barbie, tall, slender with long blonde hair. Of course none of them were compatible with me but I’ve had some good times and sweet kisses (good memories for an old man like me lol). As for as the dating sites are concerned, Christian Mingle is a complete waste of time and money… dated three women who were either wacko, psycho or dramatized. Dated two women from OK Cupid … they were ok but nothing outstanding. I dated several women from Match… classier and prettier women but also more stuck up. Currently talking to a couple of women on Our Time but no dates yet. Date Hookup is also a waste of time. Despite what people have said, I’ve actually had the best luck on POF… had several quality dates with a couple more lined up and more waiting. So my favorite two sites are POF and Match.

June 27, 2013 at 12:58 pm
(30) Jenny says:

I get frustrated when someone outside my age range contacts me. I think I have a reasonable range of 7 years younger and 7 years older than I am. Almost all guys on match include perhaps their same age and 10, 15, even 20+ years younger for the women they’re looking for.

Like Alabama Hitch says, point out something interesting about a woman’s profile or say something funny and you’ll likely get a reply.

July 12, 2013 at 11:46 pm
(31) willisc says:

If youre black & trying to talk to mostly (white) women on online dating sites u suffer with very low rates of reply. Match.com was a waste of time for me. i did meet a woman that had 2 kids wehn we started talking but it took So long to get her to meet she actually had popped out 2 more kids. by then she had sunk to a welfare queen & cps eventually took her kids. She was totally undesirable by the time she agreed to meet, Then she was very angry when i met someone else. Go figure. If she hadnt waited so long & screwed other ppl & had 2 extra kids maybe it would have worked out. U get a healthy share of BS with these online dating sites. I wont mention the personality disorders, stalkers, & hackers that are out to simply steal from u!

July 18, 2013 at 3:45 pm
(32) Yasmin says:

I don’t reply when I don’t like the profile of the person, his photo, his age, etc. I think it’s better to not respond than to reject someone. Cuz I feel this way.. i prefer to not hear from an uninterested guy than to hear his rejection. What do you think guys?
As to profile pic, what’s up with hiding behind sunglasses, or so far away shots or too close ups? if u don’t want me to see your face why post a photo?

July 19, 2013 at 10:35 am
(33) Chris says:

Most dating websites as set up for Business, they don’t care about You they just want your money. Fact.
Until you find a dating website that will show you when that person last signed in then we can’t move forward.
They are scared that if they were honest no one would join and therefore make no money. What a scam.
They are so many website that are the same but go by a same name so they can get more money from you. Mmmmm i called that fraud.
This is especially true with disabled websites, have these people got no morals. Its shocking.

July 22, 2013 at 9:26 am
(34) vonhaller says:

Jenny, many women are looking for older men. My late wife was 16 years my junior and she and I were wonderfully compatible. Regrettably she died and it was like loosing my right arm. I take you r point if you state it in your profile but if not then you will get men like me considering you. Secondly my thoughts are if you put yourself out there to m be messaged then at least have the common courtesy to reply. It is only polite. Some ladies have done that and said basically yu are not what I am looking for but good luck anyways on here. Politeness and manners cost nothing.

July 27, 2013 at 10:52 am
(35) TMaster says:

I have read some of the things on here and one thing I will out right say to tink is you are wrong, It is the very fact of being shallow if you are just looking for looks…
I have tried PoF (wow never again) evow which is all recycled from PoF and now Okcupid… and wow are women and her soulless creature for the most part, I am not ugly, I work out and work for myself.
My biggest turn offs are women that put things like Independent which is a literal impossibility, I stay away from religious freaks due to their false assessments on religion and what god has to do with it.
I am opened and honest, respectful until they are not, I have come to the realization that any pretty girl is looking to either play games hence why they spend years on these sites and even sit on many sites every day or they are looking for the perfect guy who is obviously a jerk they just think about that itch between there legs and then say thats all guys want… Well I want more so where is mine? Starting to think not on a dating site.

July 29, 2013 at 10:53 pm
(36) Marty says:

Online dating is a broken system because too many people abused it AND because there are a lot of dishonest dating services. If the US government regulated them, these outfits would go out of business overnight.

But let me tell you, things are no better offline. I joined some singles groups on Meetup, and boy was I ever disappointed. Most of the women at the meetups had no idea what they wanted, and they were VERY intimidated by me because I have my life together. And I have a steady job, a house, and no debts!!! What’s wrong with this picture.

All I can say is… the USA is going to be a VERY interesting place when all these single women are in their 80s and 90s…

July 31, 2013 at 3:11 pm
(37) Sophia says:

Dear men,
I understand your frustration. As a woman I have found if I write,” No thank you best wishes.” I actually get angry and snide responses back. And imagine if I had that 10 times a day every day – it zaps my energy and makes being online a very negative experience.

So if a man invests time to write a decent email and one of depth but I ‘m just not attracted then I write back and tell them, “I do really appreciate the time they took, how ever I just don’t think we’re a match.”

Another thought – Do men really expect a response to “Hey beautiful.” or “How’s your day?” or” I think you’re sexy?”

August 1, 2013 at 2:05 am
(38) Dave says:

I never get responses and I take time and effort to read their profiles, look at similarities and comment on it within the email. I wish I received an email that tells me off. No response is the worst feeling. There should be a button to instant respond to someone with I’m not interested.

It’s so frustrating to have no replying on over a hundred emails, no dates, no chats, nothing.

August 4, 2013 at 2:39 pm
(39) Patrick says:

I just got off POF after a couple of months. Same experience as everyone else (except one guy who is probably a troll). I’m not here to bash POF or women. I have tried to take a scientific approach and came up with these conclusions:

1. Profile, Profile Profile
Ah, no. It’s picture, picture, picture. With the vast majority of messages I sent, my profile wasn’t even viewed. They did see my picture however (must have pic to respond). If you are not very, very good looking and or have a photo that shows this, it’s going to be a long day at the office.

2. Role Reversal
This is related to the previous point. Women are supposedly less visually oriented and traditionally sought men older than themselves. This has all changed. Not only are men’s looks now paramount but most of the women on POF are looking for someone younger, Of the few unsolicited enquiries I received, all were of the “Hi” one word variety. Equality has arrived.

3.Numbers Game
Yes it is. I have seen some estimates on forums of 3 to 1 (men to women). I suspect that is low but even if it is correct, it is amplified by the fact that 80% of the men are chasing 20% of the women (most attractive). Now it’s at least 10 to 1. Your numerical odds are better in the supermarket.

4. Unsolved Mysteries
So the women on POF don’t want to date me, even correspond. Ok, that is their right and choice. But I’m above average looking, at least for my age cohort, have a good job, I”m educated, have a wide range of interests, etc. So if they aren’t dating me, who are they dating? Going to need Robert Stack to figure this out. I don’t have a clue. And why is women’s participation on online dating so low? Ladies?

August 11, 2013 at 10:33 pm
(40) heath says:

load of bulls..t. i am attractive,tall and i have a stable job.i have messaged hundreds of women but only got a few responses.some of these women are on other dating sites as well,and have been there for years.so whats their caper? oh i know,princess syndrome,”i’m gods gift to men so i’ll answer only the absolute perfect match” no wonder marriages are failing,a lot of them are just so poor in terms of character judgement its a joke. one of the girls who did respond said that it is the women who are at fault.and i agree!
1.you are not gods gift to men,and never will be
2.you are plain rude to not even say”sorry but it won’t work out”
3.you will never have happiness if you are that picky.

August 26, 2013 at 9:32 pm
(41) Laidain says:

Hey guys, maybe you think your attractive and tall but to other woman who see your pictures don’t think so! did you ever think of that.

August 26, 2013 at 9:39 pm
(42) Laidain says:

Hey, by the way I don’t bother with dating sites and such, because its a total waste of time. I meet guys in real life. Its something that most people don’t do! I think its a waste of time going on the dating sites because to many people have bad experiences and they end up never meet anyone. If you ask me most are not attractive from the start.

I have a man and engaged, I didn’t meet him online either.

peace!

August 28, 2013 at 4:13 pm
(43) On line dater says:

I am very specific in my profile that I am looking for a certain age range (5 years either way), no small children (I’m an empty nester and have no desire to go back to small children) and will only date someone within 25 miles of where I live. You may disagree with my criteria, but that’s what they are. So when I get an email from someone who is outside my age range, with small children, and who lives half way across the country, I wonder if they even read my profile.

August 29, 2013 at 11:53 am
(44) TMaster says:

Heres a funny thing I am now aware of… Alot of single mothers use welfare money to pay for dating sites. So they have not earned it and are not likely to be serious but play games.
Most women on dating sites are insane and that is literal. They use the same method of what they are looking for that they had when they were in a relationship that didnt work out. I would ask if they are really that dumb but no it is that they are really that immature.
So guys you must ask yourself do you really want to date an immature girl? If you do it would be only useful for sex.

August 29, 2013 at 11:42 pm
(45) Anonymous says:

women are so very pathetic to meet on line these days, let alone anywhere.

September 15, 2013 at 8:38 am
(46) Anti-Online Otto says:

Don’t take online dating too seriously. Or, you may end up a wounded duck.
All someone has to go on is your profile, with pictures and a few blurbs about yourself. That’s it. Since you can’t see the man/woman, you’re missing out on body language, the sound of their voice etc., not to mention a more accurate idea of what they really look like.

Not all of us have the gift of the gab when it comes to writing a decent profile. That can in turn, bite you in the rear when someone quickly passes you by because they got the wrong impression of you.

I have found a lot of separated/divorced women with children that just don’t even have time to set up a date. Compounded by the wariness of online dating itself and the excess competition with other men, you can imagine how hard it becomes to even have an online conversation that lasts, before she moves on to the next, or simply juggles back and forth.

There are a lot of time wasters on dating sites, people you normally wouldn’t think twice about dating. Yet that’s what you have to sift though.

October 3, 2013 at 12:51 am
(47) Seriously Speaking says:

so many women nowadays are looking for men with a Very Large Bank Account, and God forbid if they can Accept a man for who he is. there aren’t that many Decent women out there left anymore to meet nowadays, especially that many of them have such an Attitude Problem and play hard to get.

October 31, 2013 at 8:56 pm
(48) Zhera says:

This article is painfully true with its observations. Usually I prefer a good personality to a douchy beefcake, but it’s soo hard to assess online…by the end of flicking through hundreds of profiles it obvious that everyone’s apparently laid back and looking for a girl who can laugh at herself or some other generic bullshit. So we end up going for things that definitively set a guy apart from the others and sadly it’s looks…I’ve already had some bad experiences from this cyber shallowness and I don’t think online datings really my thing…

November 4, 2013 at 2:38 am
(49) Some Dude says:

It’s all BULLSHIT! I’ve left dozens and dozens of emails for women on OKC, Match.com and POF being as clever or witty as I can. I try to find something in their profile to relate to. But guess what — IT DOESN’T MATTER!!! They don’t respond. I’m so frustrated that I’m being ignored and rejected and I F*cking hate it! It’s all just a WASTE OF TIME!!!

November 12, 2013 at 3:54 pm
(50) TXLPC says:

First. I share everyone’s frustration. I don’t get many messages, I don’t know why. I think it is because I fall in the scam range. widowed, 58, graduate degree. I don’t have any sobb stories though.

November 15, 2013 at 11:05 am
(51) Dennis says:

I have found that websites take pictures of the best from other sites; change where they live to make us believe that they are actually in our town…but they aren’t. I just found evidence of such things. I personally would call it fraud; but in the U.S. where money is concerned anything goes including fraud!

November 20, 2013 at 12:32 pm
(52) cayote says:

Dating websites will never work. Most girls that look attractive girl will NOT reply. I gotta admit that when you say something nice that makes you stand out you have a better chance to get a response.. I only managed to get VERY FEW attractive girls to respond to me, but at the end of the day I discover they’re not even interested in a relationship with me. Chances are, YOU WILL SPEND YEARS AND YEARS ON DIFFERENT DATING WEBSITES AND NEVER GET AN ATTRACTIVE PARTNER. You have to be confident and look for it in real life, the internet doesn’t require confidence so all shy people get there, it gets ridiculous and crowded, you will never have a chance.

November 23, 2013 at 10:00 am
(53) Dave says:

My perspective comes from a mid 40s man in the middle of the divorce epidemic trying to date within my own age range 38-45. I’m not a bad looking guy…5′ 10″, 165 LBS, athletic, can hold my own in any setting, $85K annual, a roof over my head, functioning automobile, insurance, etc.

I’ve been on Match the longest with a stint on PoF and OKC. By far, most of my dates have come from Match, with a few from the others. I would say the more emotionally damaged in my area hang out on OKC and PoF. More often than not, these ladies left highly abusive relationships (or were discarded) and are trying to regain a sense of themselves and their self confidence. More often than not, they’re looking for a ‘rescuer’. If you are average/above average looking and appear to have your fecal matter coagulated, these ladies might simply be intimidated by you, and – quite understandably – they don’t want to be hurt any more. It’s not necessarily your fault. There’s also some out there who just want a fling with the biggest, most ignorant bad-boy they can find and manipulate (Google emotionally damaged).

Then there’s Match. I’ve had quite a few dates from Match and even dated one woman for about a year I met from there. I caught her in a few lies and decided to walk. In some ways, Match suffers from the same ails as PoF and OKC, but there’s a few women there who DO have their lives together but simply don’t want commitment. They, like their OKC and PoF counterparts, left (or were left) long term marriages after marrying early. They want to date and have fun, which is great if you’re into that as well…just don’t walk in with “I’m ready for a commitment” written on your forehead.

I think this whole online dating scene is interesting, but it’s a slot machine not with just 3 wheels that have to match up, but about 20! Your looks, your profile, her/his emotional states, her looks, her profile…the list goes on.

November 24, 2013 at 8:16 pm
(54) Seriously says:

Online dating is very much a waste of time and money, and there are so many women that never respond back either. It is certainly a real joke, and years ago it was much easier meet a good woman for many of us men that were looking. There are many of us men that had just went through a divorce, and going out all over again and have to deal with this garbage is worse. Women today are certainly much more nastier than they ever were which does add to the problem too, especially when you just try to start a normal conversation with them since they will just walk away. So how in the world can many of us serious men out there meet a good woman today?, and it certainly does seem that all the good ones have been taken.

December 3, 2013 at 2:31 pm
(55) Mike says:

Yep, online dating is a total joke for men at least (I can’t speak for women). I’m going to go out of character here and say some things that are going to make me sound incredibly, just remarkably, conceited (which I’m not). But I HAVE to say them to fully prove my point. I’m a very attractive guy. Not my opinion, I just happen to know I’m attractive because I’m constantly told so (by friends, family friends, almost anytime I meet someone they comment on it, my ex girlfriends always talked about it, my coworkers, etc.). I’ve heard it hundreds of times now, been told I should model, etc.. I’m 28 years old, 6’3, 190 lbs, in great shape, make $110,000/year, am a guitarist (virtuoso level) and piano (non virtuoso but decent), college graduate, etc.

And I get maybe 1 response per 100 emails I send on the dating sites. I’ll even get messages from girls first, and when I respond to them, I never hear back. No matter what my message says. Doesn’t matter if I’m clever or witty, or if I express a genuine interest in getting to know them, or ask about their interests, etc.. In fact, I’ve discovered that it literally makes no difference what I say. They respond almost 0% of the time, EVEN when they message or “wink” at me first, and it’s not because I’m sending “bad” or “lame” messages – I’m not. I’m just talking to them like human beings – it doesn’t work. It’s unbelievable. My profile isn’t douchey, I don’t have shirtless photos of myself, just normal, smiling photos, and my profile is perfectly acceptable as well.

The other day, just as an experiment, I went through and messaged ONLY girls that were well below my standards – girls I would never date. And among that group, the response rate was still only about 1%. That’s how bad online dating is for men – even girls that you wouldn’t look at twice in real life won’t respond to you.

Thus ends my INCREDIBLY arrogant sounding post, which was necessary to fully convey the absurdity of online dating.

December 4, 2013 at 3:52 pm
(56) Steve says:

Mike (above me) is correct. But typically height plays a huge factor for girls and I’ve under the impression that if you’re above 6′, you should have an easier time getting replies. I’m 5’9″ and while that’s technically not short, by online standards might as well be 5’4″. And I weigh about 155. One of my pictures is me wearing a medal I had just got in a half marathon. If that’s not the sign of an accomplishment, I don’t know what is!! And I have about 5 pictures with variety in mind (no cars, flexing, fishing, clubbing, etc douchebag stuff)

I won’t renew my term on Match. I’ve pretty much written all the girls I was intrigued by (all 60 of them or so) and haven’t gotten anywhere to this point. The crazy thing is when the term ends, many of those girls will still be active. Same for OKC, I can’t find new people to write anymore that strike my interest.

Online dating was easier about 7-8 years ago. MUCH harder now because the ratios are worse and social media has made us extremely narcissistic and unreasonable.

My suggestion? Take up a hobby or join a sports league. Trust me, you can meet people that way and it won’t demoralize you. And you won’t keep reading about girls who are “classy adventurous world travelers who love win and dogs.”

December 7, 2013 at 11:26 pm
(57) J says:

I lasted a month and then had enough. Wrote sincere emails reflecting interests they stated in their profile and nothing worked. I’m an average looking guy with a great job and a son who just graduated college. Most women my age had 2 to 3 kids under the age of 15 and were close to 50 years old. Almost all had super long lists for the perfect man. Maybe at 25 sweetheart but at 50 with 3 teenagers at home? Delusional! If you can find a guy who is willing to enter the fray, has a job and no criminal record you’d be doing well. Hey ladies, I’m average but then again, so are you. 70% of the guys chasing 30% of the women doesn’t make you cuter or thinner, it just makes you think so.

December 14, 2013 at 3:41 pm
(58) chuck says:

I thought it was just me but after reading some of the above comments plus similar from other sites I realize that it is not me at all. Like all of these guys above I am a very decent person, relatively good looking, have a great career, my profile is well put together, up front and honest plus I am not just going after all of the super models but actually do read the profiles and try to find compatible matches. When I first started out with online dating I was excited because I thought that it would be a great way to meet single woman who I had things in common with. I have e-mailed maybe 125-150 woman between POF and Match and had very little response. I have gone out with a few woman from the dating sites but have found that in each case they were so pretentious that I didn’t want to see them again…imagine the ones that don’t even respond. If you are a good guy who is frustrated with the online dating scene let me tell you that it is not you – it has more to do with these woman who are on the sites. Look at it this way, anyone can do or say anything that they want over a computer connection because there is no accountability. Moreover, many of these woman are damaged goods from past relationships… don’t take me wrong you might get lucky and find a decent woman through online dating but you will need to wade through allot of fakes to get there. In my opinion, you are much better off meeting people the old fashion way!

December 16, 2013 at 7:11 am
(59) Daniel says:

I have been on/off POF since 2010, I learned about it when I was living in Las Vegas, where I met…I kid you not, 70 women online, between POF and Craigslist. Now I am back home in a smaller town where few people are on POF, there are people from nearby cities. I’ve gone extended periods of time without receiving ANY messages, NO responses etc. So I just kept messing around with my profile until I came up with a witty, sincere profile with some comedy twisted in…I also picked the best pictures of myself to use in my profile…and then, BAM…I get approximately 3-6 responses for every 10 girls I write, it does take time, many don’t last long but are replenished by new ones, I have met a few girls from online, Craigslist included and have had some luck…

Although, recently I seem to be in a dating funk, I am meeting plenty of women and have a GREAT connection with them online, phone and via skype but when we meet in-person, it changes and they suddenly say that they’re not “ready to date”. My pictures look exactly like me therefore I’m not hiding anything about the way I look, so I really don’t know what’s going on with that! lmao…but I think that if I relax more about it and not worry so much I’ll get back on track and off this funk, it’s definitely rare for me but I’ve always been in long-term relationships so it’s almost like falling off the horse and learning to get back on again haha

December 16, 2013 at 7:12 am
(60) l says:

well sometimes you just gotta whip it out and smack ‘em across the face to get their attention!

December 16, 2013 at 7:23 am
(61) Daniel says:

Oh and not to mention, I’m 27 5’7″ and 140 lbs…not ugly, not model quality either…a single father with custody of my child etc. I work part time in a grocery store and live in an apartment, so this “women want money” blah blah is BS!

Also, I tried the whole…read a woman’s profile and come up with a sincere, well thought-out intelligent thing to say…I NEVER get responses when I do that, a simple, “hi :) How is your day?” has gotten me MORE responses than ANYTHING else!

Remember, women don’t want clingy men, sometimes there will be extended periods of time when you don’t speak to a woman, I’ve been talking to this one girl for nearly a year now, we met, kissed etc but it went nowhere…now she’s currently in a relationship and decided to start writing me again…not just her either, this has happened with a FEW females…meeting, doesn’t workout they run back to an ex or whatever, 3 months later when shit doesn’t workout with that person they start hitting me up again…

You know what? women are crazy! lol…f*** women, get paid!

December 17, 2013 at 10:08 pm
(62) ryan says:

Sorry but this is a joke. Making a message personal and specifically commenting on something about them or in their profile never works either. The cold hard fact people have to accept is this is the internet. You have easy access to see 100 people within a couple minutes. Everything is based of looks for that first response I don’t care what other people say. If a girl does not find you attractive she is not going to take the time to respond. I have friends who have had much more success with shitty ass messages just because they were great looking to these women. You can make your message as good as you can but the fact is she probably won’t even look at it if she does not like what she sees visually. After all how can you be judged on your personality or who you are as a person without actually meeting up or getting to know each other first. That right there tells you that their judgement of you and willingness to talk is based on if you are ugly or not to them.

December 17, 2013 at 10:18 pm
(63) ryan says:

Also why is it so hard to start a conversation in real life now too? Why is it people look at you like you are a plague of the earth just for saying hello? Or maybe it is just me I don’t know. The only reason I even started the online thing is because I thought it would be easier to start conversations because you have some sort of information to go off of rather than in person where it is completely fresh. However I don’t get any responses. Either way never really works for me.

December 21, 2013 at 10:46 pm
(64) Chad says:

Well if the women are so overwhelmed, then why don’t THEY initiate conversations and see how much of a loser it makes them feel like after they get no replies at all!

I am so dejected by online dating. It is so depressing for a man (I’m good looking, tall, talented, and have a good job). It’s not like I’m asking for engagement, just a cup of coffee. I very frankly have a much easier time meeting women in person. Don’t pay the dating sites, they are a scam.

December 30, 2013 at 7:01 pm
(65) kjemiker says:

Don’t go to dating sites! Waste of GD time!!! I’ve had a few nice matches (women who actually f*cking responded) but never met. I get tons of profile views yet not a single lick of a message. I send messages (not many) and haven’t received a response. I’ve gotten winks but too many fat chicks & scammers.

These sites are a waste of internet space and you’re a fool if you pay for it.

January 3, 2014 at 1:25 pm
(66) D says:

Read all the comments and I need to reply. I’m a 55yo 5’9″ attractive, slender female who has sent out almost 100 emails and only got 4 replies. Two weren’t interested and other two never heard back. What’s happening? Did attract one scammer and conversed for couple months but that doesn’t count – lol. I don’t know about this internet dating…

January 6, 2014 at 2:06 pm
(67) joleeonna says:

I went on a dating site a few months back. I tried to respond to most people just because you can be nice to people even if your not interest.

I met a great guy from my hometown and thought all was well went we talked every day had great dates.. He said he made his account inactive and I did the same

in celebration of a great month I went on the site to delete my profile and the messages where still pulled up from our first date and he was online and active��

so I ended things people have to have trust

January 8, 2014 at 3:50 pm
(68) JRL says:

I didn’t want to jade my response by reading any of the comments. Let me say that up front.

I’ve used online dating twice. First about 4- 41/2 years ago before I got into a relationship and started again after the relationship ended, (About 6+ months now)

My experience the first time around was ok. I didn’t get a lot of dates. This time around, having gone through the relationship and also gaining more confidence and self-esteem it’s been a better experience. But as with all of life, it has it’s ups and downs.

Both times I signed up for both e-harmony and match. This time around I’ve gone on a half dozen first dates with women I’ve met via match. While some might shy away from the open aspect, it’s not bad if you have basics from which you can personally filter people with. That said, one or two of the dates were a complete disaster in that the person I saw in life was not close to what I envisioned while speaking to them over the phone and online. Again, that’s life. What I’ve found interesting is that during the same time I was also using e-harmony and after an initial couple of waves of matches arrived in the first two months, all of a sudden eharmony started to fail to return new matches to me. I had stated my preference that 50 miles was my limit. Now, using an open search on match – literally only 1 or 2 preferences the system returned thousands of matches. Yes, thousands – in that 50 mile radius. I do value the insight and chemistry that eharmony proposes to use, but seriously? They were happy to send me new matches in Kentucky (I live in Philly) Ohio, Rhode Island, Georgia, Indiana, etc, when I switched to making the 50 mile limit a “nice to have”. Of course, now the women I’m talking with or viewing (or viewing me) on match are less and less frequent (I guess I have a better filter) and conversations are going via e-harmony now. Who knows how it will all turn out. But it will be interested to look back one day

January 9, 2014 at 1:25 pm
(69) cupidhasabadaim says:

I have been on dating sites for almost three years now and its a pretty sad situation…This is what happens *every time:

I start a conversation with a guy, we exchange a couple of emails and then they want to see a few more pictures. The site I am on has the option of having a private gallery & I can allow them to access it if I feel comfortable. As soon as they see my pictures – they disappear..I mean they dont even have the courtesy to say oh sorry youre ugly and I dont think this will work – they just go away – poof and gone. I am getting so frustrated with this now its just sad really.

January 10, 2014 at 8:52 pm
(70) tanakason says:

There is a solution that will fix most peoples problems concerning email responses and men who don’t take no for an answer. These two problems are among the biggest for men and women respectively.

So here it is: requier the reciver of an email to either hit an automatic response for “not interested” or an automatic response of ” maybe interested” before reading any further emails. Those with “not interested” checked would permanently block the sender.

This system would infuse a good deal of common courtesy and minimal respect into the online dating community. Quite hfrankly, ingnoring people as well as badgering people for responses are despicable practices and rampent on online dating sites.

I can only assume this system is not imposed by market leaders like match because it is in some way bad for profits. Meanwhile the online dating world is stuck in an endless spiral of festering rude behavior which feeds on itself.

January 23, 2014 at 2:40 pm
(71) hollywood says:

Also, and has not been mentioned much on the comments is location. I had the opportunity to live in a few different cities. Basically same profile, same picture, similar wordings. Although, I’m Canadian but I found the response from women was extremely good in Toronto/Ontario in comparison to Edmonton/Alberta. It goes to demographics as the men to women ration becomes more significant. Just to illustrate my point – I got several messages sent without any initial contact in Toronto, where in Edmonton I had to initiate and got little response. Edmonton due to the nature of the economy has a high influx of men compared to Toronto. So yes, I am sure those demographics exist in the USA as well.

January 24, 2014 at 2:28 pm
(72) J says:

Update for the guys:

My earlier comment highlighted my experience and frustration with Match.com. During my 3 month subscription I cancelled and renewed twice but finally canceled for good a week ago as my subscription was coming to an end. Here’s the update. After much thought and urging from friends, I thought I would give eHarmony a try. It’s been just 3 days and so far, I much prefer it to Match. Here’s the comparison stats in just 3 days:

Match.com ( 3 months ) 100 emails sent, 2 actually responded to and email conversations were brief. 29 winks – virtually all from scammers and women overseas (China). No dates.

eHarmony ( 3 days ): “Ice Breakers” ( 5 questions to show interest ) Sent – 2. Received – 5. In other words, I’ve shown interest in 2 of my matches, 5 women have shown interest in me.

I’m a 50 year old guy, good job, in shape with average looks. I live in a big city so results may vary depending on where you reside but so far, so good on eHarmony. Hope this helps fellas and good luck!

January 30, 2014 at 12:54 am
(73) csmass says:

I tried POF, OKC, Match and now Eharmony. Let me just say, I am 5′ 9″ with a great career and lots of money (though I never tell any girls unless they are serious with me). I have dated online primarily in the PNW for the last 2 years.

Let me say, all the sites are really awful. I never met anyone on POF, and I am thankful from what I hear.

I met quite a few girls from OKC, and they all had massive amounts of baggage and I really empathized with some of them tbh.

I dated a girl from Match.com that lasted 1.5 years before she showed her true colors, though she was still a sweetheart deep down.

Lastly, Eharmony. Just had a date with a girl from their that had the galls to tell me after date 2 she was seeing plenty of other guys and decided to get serious with someone else, but I was soooo awesome and charming and lovely to her. Hrmmmm…. Eharmony is supposed to be the site you go to for serious relationships I was told.

Honestly, I met 2 women in one week outside of my computer and had a wonderful time with both. One I talk to daily and we are becoming good friends, the other was interested in me and had other things going on in her life. It took me 2 hours to meet those two women and I am an introvert at heart. I spent days online replying to profiles I was into and over 2 years met probably 10 girls and that’s it.

It seems to me online dating, is for people that enjoy playing the field and think dating 4 or more people at once is cool and you can somehow compare many others and find a match easier. That’s not reality. Reality is, relationships are hard work and it doesn’t matter how many lines you throw out, you still have to spend a lot of time with a person and even the most awesome guy or girl that you met and clicked with after one or two dates could be a huge douche. All the while the others you turn down could have just been super patient with zero expectations and were waiting to see something else from you or another.

February 4, 2014 at 1:19 pm
(74) pof_pro says:

In other words avoid writing women like this one and you’ll be fine. LOL
She failed to mention if you’re that guy still complimenting women then you’re clueless as to how to really attract women. Stop courting and start attracting. YOU ARE THE PRIZE must be your mind set. Stop the winking too. So have the guts to write something. COPY AND PASTE AWAY my man. Its a numbers game us guys dont have the time to get poetic. Let your inner bad boy take over and a little dash of smooth guy into the mix and watch those panties drop. ;-)

February 7, 2014 at 3:55 pm
(75) tena477 says:

Great comment Brian.
What you said makes a lot of sense :-)

February 11, 2014 at 11:46 am
(76) Tyrion Lannister says:

“Several dating sites have posted their reply rates, meaning, how often people receive a reply to their first email. 1-3% is normal, anything more than 5% is excellent.”

Please, might you provide the source of this data? thanks.

February 12, 2014 at 7:02 pm
(77) dating says:

If you review the PR materials for many of the biggest dating sites, you’ll find this kind of information easily. Skewed for both men and women (heterosexual women generally get significantly higher response rates than heterosexual men), OkCupid quoted an average reply rate of 32% here, for instance: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/online-dating-advice-exactly-what-to-say-in-a-first-message/

March 4, 2014 at 3:02 pm
(78) The Real Shady says:

Oh is this another man blaming article ? Just look at those women complaining and whining about receiving too many messages, then making excuses on their grammar, spelling, looks, profiles, etc…

I rarely message a girl without reading her profile which is usually full of grammatical mistakes and short sentences. You are what you’re complaining about, women.

How about women start contacting us? wouldnt that be easier ?

March 4, 2014 at 3:08 pm
(79) dating says:

Man-blaming? If you’d read all of my points, then you’d know I would have shared the same advice regardless of the person’s gender or sexual orientation.

March 19, 2014 at 12:02 am
(80) Joe says:

I have a very unorthodox approach in my 1st email that has gotten me more responses than any other approach I’ve used (such as commenting or questioning on something they wrote on their profile and complimenting them):

I ask them (about 20 women one day) if they’d like to see me get German suplexed (slammed) in a wrestling match.

Most say no or “I don’t know what that is.”
But some found it funny. And I wound up having long conversations with them about masochism.

I just have fun. I don’t care if they reply or not. Just getting a profile view makes me happy.

I broke my all time record of getting 5 emails in my inbox one day on POF. That’s the most I have ever gotten during the 2 years I’ve been on online dating sites.

April 2, 2014 at 1:48 pm
(81) Mr. Brightside says:

I want to thank EVERY person here. How eye-opening this was. Thought it was me. The 1-3% response rate on e-mails sent makes a world of sense now. (Not that it makes it right but I understand much more clearly now.) . And one person stated it the best – If you’re e-mailing women who are “in your league” and you are in all their other parameters (age, height, etc.), and you’re still only getting about a 2% reply rate, who are they dating??

April 5, 2014 at 6:07 am
(82) Rich says:

Wow. For as much as all you guys on here crying about being ignored and how “supposedly” good looking you all are (doubt it), it’s no wonder women don’t respond to y’all. Women already have a vagina. They don’t need another one in their life. Grow a pair and stop whining.

April 5, 2014 at 11:36 pm
(83) Bear says:

I agree with the ladies commenting to a certain degree, but I’ve seen the same girls on the same dating sites year after year, and their hot girls. I have a good response rate when contact them, but they never want to meet. And not just one or two, lots of them so odds are some are real profiles, plus I check for fake images using Google images. I understand that the ladies get slammed when they first sign up, but after a while, it tapers off, and so my question is this, why are so many girls on the same site year after year, and active on the site..? I’m just saying, lonely house wives, girls in bad relationships looking for a quick ego boost, girls that are mentally scared, I find a lot of this, especially on POF due to the price, which is free. Ladies are using the dating sites to maintain their self esteem, and to help them to deal with other unpleasant circumstances in their lives, in my opinion!

April 6, 2014 at 6:49 pm
(84) M Chicago says:

ONLINE MEETING IS FUTILE in 2014. In 1997 this was not the case, but trust me the women are only online out of curiosity in 2014. (50,000 IMs experience….never met a single woman from online since the early 2000s.) IT’s AN IN-PERSON GAME only out there–I get hit on tons in person by women, so I know.

Leave a Comment

Line and paragraph breaks are automatic. Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title="">, <b>, <i>, <strike>

©2014 About.com. All rights reserved.