1. People & Relationships

Discuss in my forum

Bonny Albo

I Don't Want To Lose Him, But He Says He Needs Space

By August 26, 2013

Follow me on:

Toto asks: "I have been dating this guy for 5 weeks now. The first two weeks were great but by the 3rd week I began to notice that there was a distance building between us. He was calling less often and we were spending less time together. Last week I asked him if there was a problem and he said that he felt that the dating was moving quickly towards a relationship/commitment when he was not really ready for one. He said that he was experiencing financial difficulty at the moment and he didn't want to get into anything serious unless he was sure his career was headed in the right direction. I really want this to work because I feel a connection with him and I think that this can be really special. But he is making it more and more difficult for me to get through to him, and I don't want to lose him. What should I do?"

Miss Toto, you are coming on too strong for this guy that you've barely started to date. You're asking for way too much, way too early, and your gent has been kind enough to say so. Him telling you what he needs is a great thing - now all you have to do is hear him, instead of continuing to try and "get through to him". He's made up his mind, and no amount of cajoling on your part will change that. If anything, it'll make him run for the hills.

Let's break down what he's told you so far:

  • He's under a lot of stress with his job and can't commit to anything while he's working things out;
  • He feels things between you are moving too fast;
  • He's not ready for a commitment or a relationship right now; and
  • He's not able or willing to spend as much time with you as he did in the first two weeks of your relationship.

To me, your answer here is clear. Continue to push for a relationship and you'll be left in the cold. Now, you may not have said outright that a relationship is what you're after (to him or to me), but that message is still coming across loud and clear. And if that's the impression I'm getting, then what do you think the man you're dating is hearing?

Take a step back and do as your gent has requested. Stop putting so much pressure on the relationship to 'be something' right from the start, and just enjoy dating again. Plan some fun dates together, and give him the space and time he needs. I'd even suggest you start dating other people if the two of you aren't exclusive, following a plan like The Four Man Plan (a bit racy but fun) or Love in 90 Days (tamer and very thorough). You might be surprised at how he reacts to you taking a step back as he's requested, and either way it will give you a better idea as to whether or not the man truly can be special to you, or not.

Related: Does My Boyfriend Want Space?

Comments
August 22, 2009 at 6:56 pm
(1) Mark Brooks says:

Men define themselves by their work. And when they lose their job, it hits them hard. It can really kill their romantic juices. Its a shame really, because the best time to put time into finding the right person is when you’re not working 40 hours a week. Aaall that extra time, and yet many guys just end up pulling themselves apart rather than getting out and dating.

My advice, give him support, be there for him. Let him see you’re having fun beyond just dating him, and that you have a life and interests beyond him, and he’s welcome to join in. Present opportunities, but don’t be too disappointed if he doesn’t take them. If he doesn’t move in your direction after a couple of months, its probably not meant to be. Hit your favorite internet dating site and go on 20 more dates and choose the guy you like the best to date seriously.

August 24, 2009 at 5:53 am
(2) Daren says:

Two possibilities are rising in this situation;
First one can be that he’s making up this financial problem because he doesn’t want a serious relationship and hasn’t the courage to tell you straight in you face, which happens very often with younger men.

Secondly, his problem is legit and he doesn’t want to bother you with it which is also a typical unmature behaviour.

Like you said, this can be worked out easily since love should be stronger than a temporary financial problem.

If he really feels something for you there is no doubt that he accepts to work this out.

If he’s not ready for this, chances are that he’s is falling under the first possibility.

Anyway, I’m wishing you to solve this asap and be happy.

August 24, 2009 at 3:21 pm
(3) Natalie Cook says:

I find that this happens a lot in new relationships. Testing the waters in a new relationship to see if this person is really a good match for you is never easy. If you are unsure how the other person is really feeling and whether or not they are just making up excuses not to be with you, go with your gut feeling.

If you really need help finding the perfect match, try reading more blogs like this one.

Good Luck!!

August 24, 2009 at 10:25 pm
(4) Rori Raye says:

So agree with you. I’m all about not investing in a man until he’s committed. And by committed, I mean engaged to be married. That means no exclusivity, period, without the “ring.” I know this sounds weird – but it’s the only thing that retains your confidence, your self-esteem, and the sense that your options are always open. It creates more attraction, where he feels compelled to work to get you, which increases his attraction to you, and makes you feel good – which increases your self-esteem, makes you more attractive and happier…Rori Raye

August 25, 2009 at 1:40 am
(5) Brad says:

I agree. As a guy in a similar situation with finances I have stayed clear of dating anyone seriously. Just not on the top of my list right now. Def give him some room for a while. If you peaked his interest he will contact you for a date

May 7, 2011 at 4:58 pm
(6) Kerry says:

So glad I’ve read this as going through almost the same problem, however the guy I’ve been seeing changed when he found out the company he’s working for are making majority redundant.
Great to read other responses …
Kerry

August 25, 2011 at 12:17 am
(7) Amanda says:

Six words for you, sweetie … ‘He’s just not that into you’. When a man/woman is into someone, they will cross he** or high water to be with you. When it’s right, it’s right … and he’s trying to subtly let you down. I know this isn’t what you want to hear/read but it may be what you need to hear so you don’t waste a ton of time pining away over someone that isn’t right for you.

October 20, 2011 at 2:03 pm
(8) Amber Froy says:

Okay my boyfriend james and i have together for almost a yr… And we had this first lil argument this past week and he says i won’t leave him alone, which i do… i let him do watever he wants and i do my own thing…. but would like to here from him… the other day i saw him and we talked and he said we r fine….. but need space….. wat does that mean???

June 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm
(9) Mimi Stein says:

Timing is critical in developing a relationship, you both have to be ready. It sounds like he just is not ready, so do not expect anything. If you really need to be with someone then start looking maybe that might kick him ito gear if that is what you really want to do.

April 16, 2013 at 1:18 pm
(10) baby girl says:

I was going thru the exact same thing as you girl. even down the the # of weeks and the financial difficulities. I just wish I had read this earlier… I was pushing for a relationship at week 5 and it backfire. We now are no longer talking and I am very sad, he was someone I really had chemistry with. I wish everyone going thru this will turn out all right one way or the other.

May 29, 2013 at 5:27 am
(11) calamity says:

i had a fight with my bf a month ago. i was the one started it. when i apologized he said he needs more time alone to think. i was panicking. i really thought this “break” eventually means “break-up”. but i was wrong. he and i are back together. now i know when he said he needs space, he literally needs space. i didn’t go totally no contact with him, i still called/texted him once in a while. i used the break period to do some soul searching my self. and when we both were ready to talk, we talked. he told me he never thought of breaking up with me. he’s just tired of all the fighting, and needs to figure out how he should deal with me, and with the relationship. as a woman of course i wanted to be with him while he’s doing the thinking. but as a man he wanted to do it by himself. and all those time being away from me, he missed me and constantly thought of me.

ladies…be patient. being needy, pushy, desperate, and insecure is very unattractive. if he loves you, he’ll come back and stay.

June 9, 2013 at 11:45 pm
(12) trey says:

Hi my boyfriend and I used to stay together but we got in to this. Messy fight with word nothing more so he moved out stating that he want space to get a job which he found one, car and a better place for us to stay we was together for a year and a half we still talk on the phone and text still but the way he talk to me like he don’t care about me at time make me feel like he’s not that into me thin at times he tells me he love me we both make plans on how we going to start a new life together and move back in he say give him 6 months to save up for a car and we can start from their we make plans on staying night together but it hasn’t happen yet he say this Friday when he’s off work I just wanna know how that sound to whom is concern

July 17, 2013 at 2:21 pm
(13) angela says:

im going threw the same..been together 11/2 yrs.the arguing was getting worse and worse.he stated out of the blue he needed space. Broke my Heart.ive seen him a few times-had some fun,but is still so cold..he says he needs time to miss me..What ???

September 3, 2013 at 11:43 am
(14) confused girl says:

Seeing all these posts lets me know that i am not alone in this situation. My boyfriend had a great time before he texted me saying he needed “space and hope you understand.” I don know why he does so, and i just texted i understand and i am alright. I am not sure the reasons, how can i even ask cause i cant even contact him… like calling and texting or facebooking. I don even know how long i should give him space for? should i email him?. I just feel like i am no longer in a relationship.. plus if i bother him, he might just break up with me. Its like i am in this great suspense.

September 10, 2013 at 4:46 pm
(15) Ellie says:

A guy I’ve been seeing for 7 weeks and got swept off my feet by, told me last week that he needed space for the next 6 weeks while he does his first house up. True, it’s a massive job in-between his busy job and caring for a sick relative. We’ve had some arguments, but nothing catastrophic, and actually, in the first instance, I suggested he take some space. However, not to the extent to cut me off for 6 weeks, which is effectively what’s happened. He cried when I saw him for the last time, and we’ve text and emailed a few times, but it’s always initiated by me. When I challenged him to break up with me for good, he got angry. Now seeing it in black and white I realise that I have to let it go. If he comes back of his own accord, perhaps we can talk, but it’s so hurtful that he’s cut me off. Is that how men operate?

September 16, 2013 at 8:46 pm
(16) Irene says:

The worst is when he gives you a ring and tells you he loves you and wondering if its you and you sart to beat yourself up for it because he made promises to stay twocyears together. We have fought about finances. He tells me he wants a place together. I straight up tell him i want that but with me working part time only making $8 an hour. I was stressed to the max because he wasn’t doing anything to make things better.I felt like I am juggling a lot. I became overwhelmed by the pressure. I love him a lot but its time to get moving no more procrastination, no more excusescand just do it.v

October 19, 2013 at 10:55 pm
(17) toni says:

Okay I’ve been talking to this guy for 3 months now. I met him online for the lst couple of weeks everything was going. My birthday just passed and he bought me some expensive jewelry we have fun together but for the last couple of weeks he has been acting different. I asked him is everything okay and where is our relationship going he did not like that question we got into a argument and now he need his space. What does that mean? How long should I give him? HELP!!! Or should I just move on

December 11, 2013 at 12:41 pm
(18) chrissy says:

I NEED SOME ADVICE, CURRENTLY MY BF OF A FEW MONTHS SAID TO ME I’M NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN BUT I NEED SPACE RIGHT NOW.. SO I’M GIVING HIM HIS SPACE THEN YET 48 HOURS AFTER HE DECIDED HE NEEDS SPACE HE TEXTED ME OUT OF THE BLUE ” HOPE ALL IS WELL”, I’M GETTING MIX EMOTIONS BECAUSE HE’S KINDA AVOIDING ME FACE TO FACE BECAUSE I WANT MY BELONGINGS BACK FROM HIS HOUSE. WHAT DO I DO… DO I GIVE HIM ALL THE TIME HE NEEDS AND WAIT OR DO I MOVE ON ???

December 22, 2013 at 8:29 pm
(19) stacey sanders says:

I met a guy 7 months ago things have been great, was not technically boyfriend and girlfriend but was together 24/7 together and did stuff like bf and gf . Now he has gone back to work and i just see a change in him he really makes no effort to see me and now he says he needs his me time…so i wished him well and good luck but he says he wants to be friends and i told him we cant after we been seeing each other faithfully for 8 months and he says i justneed time …..totally confused….is he just scared

December 23, 2013 at 5:46 pm
(20) Sam says:

Ok from a guy stand point !!!

The first part of article is ok but suggesting the 4 men date plan is called cheating !!! Plan and simple .

He is clearly asking you for you to slow down and support him for whatever he is going through. just be understanding . Be proud that you are with responsible man . Honest one and he told you his true feeling. if a real man not working our ego goes in the trash . But if he finds out about the you doing this stupid 4 men dating then he will dump you like speed of light !!!!
I have been dating this amazing girl for almost a year and we hit off very well . Had some much fun but I had to take care of my financial stability for my sake and her sake to be a better stable man. But she never stopped begging and went crazy that she wants me to move with her . And push more and more so I broke it off and then get back together but after 10 days of getting back together , that she was texting 4 guys !!! Scott , Ed, Jamie & Mike !!! So I broke it off for good but now I know some people will do exactly what that stupid article advice . !!!!! Unbelievable !!!
So what 4 years down in the road of your man got busy with business and work , are you gonna start that BS 4 men thing again ???? What happen to loyalty and honesty to people !!!! My parents are still together after 45 years of marriage . For good and bad . !!!!

Why would you live in a double life !!!!!!!!!

December 23, 2013 at 5:54 pm
(21) Sam says:

Ok from a guy stand point !!!

The first part of article is ok but suggesting the 4 men date plan is called cheating !!! Plan and simple .

He is clearly asking you for you to slow down and support him for whatever he is going through. just be understanding . Be proud that you are with responsible man . Honest one and he told you his true feeling. if a real man not working our ego goes in the trash . But if he finds out about the you doing this stupid 4 men dating then he will dump you like speed of light !!!!
I have been dating this amazing girl for almost a year and we hit off very well . Had some much fun but I had to take care of my financial stability for my sake and her sake to be a better stable man. But she never stopped begging and went crazy that she wants me to move with her . And push more and more so I broke it off and then get back together but after 10 days of getting back together , that she was texting 4 guys !!! Scott , Ed, Jamie & Mike !!! So I broke it off for good but now I know some people will do exactly what that stupid article advice . !!!!! Unbelievable !!!
So what 4 years down in the road of your man got busy with business and work , are you gonna start that BS 4 men thing again ???? What happen to loyalty and honesty to people

December 27, 2013 at 1:50 pm
(22) stacey says:

I been seeing this guy for almost 8 months everything has been great we both knew we were not boyfriend and girlfriend or did we havea committment even though we spent 24/7 on the phone and together. Then all of a sudden hestops calling texting and i had to ask him what was up he said he needs time…and that he needs his ” me time” ugh what to do….

January 2, 2014 at 9:46 am
(23) Cynthia says:

I was dating a man for 6 months and we’ll he seemed changed after he returned from Thanksgiving vacation. He had a coworker move in with him originally he was supposed to stay for a few days that turned into 2 wks. During this time we did not spend anytime together, which was drastic from spending time 3/4 days a week. I attended a Christmas party with him and it was not a good outcome. We had a spat and I don’t know what happened and he says he did nothing wrong. With my impulsive reaction I removed all my things from his home. I dislike that I feel I’ve lost him. He have since started texting, I don’t press the issue. He told me he needed a break. He still calls me sweetheart and while he was out of town he asked me to watch his dog. He still sends text to my family. I spoke to him on New Years Eve and since he lives close to my sister he said I could stay at his place. I know he loves me and cares. I don’t want to lose this man. He is supposed to come home today. If I see him it will be the first time in 3 wks. Is he giving me mixed signals. I feel my world is empty, I’ve grown to love him more while we’ve been apart.

February 22, 2014 at 5:40 pm
(24) karen says:

My situation is definately strange. I really love a man that has been broken up with his gf for awhile. We were going out when she was not talking to him. they are talking now, but just friends, nothing more. He is still intimate with me but does not take me out anymore. I see him thru the week because he works where I live. He states he is not going back with her that they cannot make it as a couple. He states that he is not ready to commit and that I ask too many questions and he thinks I want a full blown relationship. I would like one, but am trying to back off. Do you think if I remain silent, not calling or texting him like a wild woman that I have been in the past and mentioning this other woman that he will come back more and want to take me out.
The other woman lives where I do too, very strange.

March 3, 2014 at 1:36 pm
(25) Rachel says:

This guy and I have been hanging out since 2012 but it was just a platonic thing. We thoroughly enjoy spending time together so much that he is willing to meet me despite a long commute and I am willing to extend an invite more often than I normally do. Fast forward to the last quarter of 2013, my boyfriend of 7 years (3 years of which was long distance) broke up with me after getting another girl pregnant.

This guy was there to offer his shoulder for me to cry on and to make me smile despite the pain I was going through. 7 weeks after my breakup, we had a pleasant evening capped by an intense make out session which I had to put a lid on before things got any more intimate. On the morning after, I felt awkward. I was confused to have this non-platonic feelings for him that I failed to answer him properly when he asked if everything was alright. After a couple of days, I asked him if we could talk. I told him that I had fun that night and that I am not asking for anything and I am pretty cool with just maintaining the status quo. So I was surprised when he asked for space. He says it is not about me it is just that he has insecurities/issues that he doesn’t tell anyone. He just needs space to figure things out for himself, he says.

It has been 7 weeks since I last met him and it has been 2 weeks since I last communicated with him, where he assured me that I should not worry for he will inform me as soon as he figure things out and that he apologizes for the trouble his request has caused me.

My questions are as follows: Do you think it is wise for me to ask him if we could maybe meet up next week? Do you think it is wise for me to admit to him that I have fallen for him?

Leave a Comment

Line and paragraph breaks are automatic. Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title="">, <b>, <i>, <strike>

©2014 About.com. All rights reserved.