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Bonny Albo

He Doesn't Want Kids But I'm A Single Parent Dating Question

By August 28, 2013

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Ashley asks: "My boyfriend told me he never wanted kids. It wasn't very surprising when he told me that his ex wife stopped taking birth control pills so she could get pregnant. It also wasn't surprising when he told me that he signed all of his parental rights for his own child away and got a divorce. The thing that surprises me is that we met through an online dating site. He knew from my page that I had a child that lives with me part time, yet he pursued me anyway. I do not try and force him to spend time with my child, but at the same time it would be great if he did. Is this relationship worth staying in?"

It depends on what your definition of "worth" is, as well as what your relationship expectations are. If you'd like your boyfriend to one day become your husband, then yes, I'd say you and him need to have a talk pronto. If you want him to be a more active role model in your child's life, once again, the two of you need to discuss your wants and needs. But if he's already been married and chosen to divest himself of all parental responsibilities, then its highly unlikely he's going to change his mind now - although of course, anything is possible.

There is also the chance that this man may see your relationship a means to an end: he needed to rebound, learn to trust again after such a horrible betrayal, and/or (maybe) see that raising a child isn't so bad. He likely doesn't see your relationship as being something lifelong however, but rather one to help him through a difficult time in his life with someone he cares about, and with someone that doesn't pressure him into dealbreaker situations.

Have you spoken with your boyfriend about the situation? Casual and low key would be best here, because the conversation is weighty for the both of you (but for different reasons). When the two of you are alone, ask him what kind of role, if any, he sees himself playing in your child's life. Tell him outright you aren't looking to pressure him into anything, you'd just like to know to avoid confusion, as well as what would be the best way to go about interactions with your little one, if at all. Because frankly, if he doesn't want any role in your child's life, it would be best for you to stop all contact between them now to alleviate any serious issues down the road, as well as to re-evaluate the relationship between the two of you, and whether or not you have a future together or if you're ok with the way things stand.

Related: Should We Take This Relationship To The Next Level Or Break Up?

Comments
August 10, 2009 at 5:18 pm
(1) How do I say this says:

It pains me to have to say this, so I decided to throw out most of this post. If he pusued you full knowing that you had a child, he never intended this to be more than a fling. Before asking him about his possible future role with your kid, consider how much you enjoy being with him right now. As actions speak louder than words, saying you are not pressuring him and then asking him about something he has indicated he doesn’t want may not work the way you intend it.

August 12, 2009 at 7:12 pm
(2) dee says:

You should of asked him why did he go out with you in the first place if he didn’t want kids. Being a single parent I went through a few men who didn’t want kids. They didn’t seem to understand that as a single parent you and your children are a package deal. I finally stop dating altogether until my kids were grown. Was tired of the heartache for my kids and myself. This worked out for me and I now enjoy my dating life.
Your child is a child only once and that childhood goes by so quickly..why involved a man in your child’s life that doesn’t want children. It’s not worth it-trust me on that.

August 26, 2011 at 8:36 pm
(3) Ralph says:

I saw a woman’s profile on an online dating sight last week where she stated, very plainly, something to the effect, “If you want to spend time with me while I leave my son at home, don’t even bother. I’m not your girl.” I like that. When a lady has kids, they are a package deal. Guys, if you’re not into it, don’t screw with her mind: move along. Sooner or later a grown man will come along who understands the relationship mom has with her kids. It’s sacrosanct. she will chose her child(ren) any dy over some schmuck who just wants to get into her pants.
Now, I’m on the other side of this. I’m forty-eight and I would like to have at least one child of my own. But when I go to the o/l dating sites, almost all of the women in my age bracket have already had all the children they intend to have.
When I widen my search parameters to include women of c/b years, whom may want to have kids, I’m criticized and made to look like a letcherous old man. Sorry, but I’m a vital young man. I may not be twenty-five anymore, but I have a lot of years in front of me, and a lot to offer the right lady.
What’s a nice guy to do? Surely, we have win once in awhile.?

August 15, 2009 at 9:40 pm
(4) Adrienne says:

Just wanted to say myself and now my husband where both single parents and things worked out great for us …

August 24, 2009 at 8:42 am
(5) Pensive says:

I didn’t even read your post. Just the question, “Should We Take This Relationship To The Next Level Or Break Up?”, is your answer. it reminded me of the song (sorry, I don’t know the title or the artist) “…Should you stay or should you go. Well, if you don’t have the answer. Why you still standing here. Hey, Just walk away.”

August 30, 2012 at 5:57 pm
(6) Martin says:

In life I think it’s fair to say that women drew the short straw enduring monthly periods, PMT, giving birth and the menopause; all producing more hormones than she, and anyone within arms length distance, can cope with.

But if she is 30 something and single the joy of being a woman doesn’t stop there! She is in a race against time to meet a man (preferably sexy!), fall in love, get him to fall in love her, move in together, get married, have a baby (the latter two in no particular order as long as they happen!) and live happily ever after.

The reality though is that many women diarise “settling down” for their early 30s; devoting their 20s to getting a career, travelling, socialising and having fun.

There are also the ones who, despite actively dating in search of their perfect partner since early adulthood, simply haven`t found “the one.

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