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Bonny Albo

Is There A Right Way To Ask The Moving In Question?

By August 30, 2013

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I walked into a local retail store a while back, and the owner struck up a conversation with me. "What do you do for a living?" she asked. When I answered, her eyes lit up and she started to tell me about a friend of hers whose 6-month-long boyfriend had popped the moving-in question the night before. Her cautious response - could she think about it and discuss it more later - was met with anger. Eventually, her guy decided to recant his offer because she "didn't immediately jump at the suggestion".

Here's the thing: sure, there is something to be said for being impulsive, acting in the moment and letting passion reign. Telling someone "I love you," is a leap of faith, and asking someone about moving in is a similar proposition. You have to know the person really well, or at least know they really need a place to stay. (Ok, I'm joking on that last one, although it's not that uncommon either in today's economic climate).

So although I understand the gent's reaction and disappointment, I didn't understand his recanting the moving in offer. Perhaps he felt he had jumped the gun a bit and was embarrassed, but I didn't hear enough of the story to be sure. I did however applaud the woman in the equation for standing her ground. She wasn't bullied or coerced into making a decision she wasn't ready to. And frankly, it's doubtful the gent had never though of her moving in before the conversation took place either; he likely stewed it over for some time before he asked. So why shouldn't the person moving in be offered the same courtesy? Moving in is a huge decision, especially after only six months of dating.

I've got to stop by the store again to hear what the outcome was of the moving in conversation, but I'm curious as to what you all think. Do you think there is a right way to ask the moving in question, and if so, what is it? Do you think this man was in error, and do you feel the woman in the relationship did the right thing?

Comments
July 14, 2009 at 6:30 pm
(1) Trevor H. says:

Nope, I almost feel as if no matter what, in the future, her response to that question will always start out with doubt.

I back him up. I’d want someone who was 100% sure about it to move in with me and not someone who’s “mostly” sure.

August 15, 2009 at 3:44 pm
(2) SR says:

Good for her. There are lots of good ways of ‘getting to know someone’ you’re dating – vacations, mtg parents & friends, staying over. You do not have to move in with them, particularly before an actual relationship commitment has been made. For him to blindside her with that question, without a conversation about her values, self-respect, goals/timeframe of the relationship, was certainly asking a lot. He has no idea what she’s comfortable with. and has he “cohabitated” with previous girlfriends??

August 10, 2011 at 11:27 am
(3) Anthony says:

Too many people jump the gun on the move in. They do it for financial reasons or because they think they are in love after only a short time. Don’t be scared to wait. If they are truly the person for you they will be there in another 6 months.

August 1, 2012 at 5:54 am
(4) Serg says:

You has no idea what she’s comfortable with. and has he “cohabitated” with previous girlfriends?? Good for he. There are lots of good ways of ‘getting to know someone’ you’re dating – vacations, mtg parents & friends, staying over. For him to blindside her with that question, without a conversation about her values, self-respect, goals/timeframe of the dating ship, was certainly asking a lot. Me do not have to move in with them, particularly before an actual relationship commitment has been made.

August 9, 2012 at 1:30 pm
(5) Ava says:

Maybe someone can give their adfvice on this one … I was asked to move in with my boyfriend after one month of dating him …. I said no it was to soon and he was upset. But keeps asking ….. what does that mean?

September 5, 2013 at 2:28 pm
(6) Steve says:

Ava….he’s nuts. Seriously. Moving in after a month is not reasonable. You can’t possibly know someone well enough to make that sort of decision. I’ve met people that met, moved in together two days later and are still in love 50 years after, but that is a fluke. Mostly, it doesn’t work.

September 11, 2013 at 8:41 pm
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