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Bonny Albo

He Told Me He Loves Me, Then Accused Me of Hacking His Computer

By September 13, 2013

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Tina asks: "A guy I've been dating has just told me he loves me (3 days ago). Today I get a call asking if I know about computers. I called back and said no, not really. He tells me his computer is not working, someone in has "hacked" it and I was the only person in the house! I told him I would never do that. He won't believe me."

Thanks for your dating question Tina. It's simple but a good one, because it covers how much you can trust someone early on in a relationship - a concern that comes up often with readers just like you.

First, some basic information. A person can be anywhere and hack into a computer. It's much more common for hackers to target folks through the internet, and that's not even touching upon the rampant viruses, trojans and other nasties one can attract just by surfing the web or clicking on a link. Accusing you of hacking seems odd, and tells me that your partner needs to educate himself a bit about how these sorts of things work. About.com's Guide to the Net for Beginners has a huge category devoted to such information and discussions: Viruses, Spyware, Hacking, Scams and Identity Theft and an excellent article on the topic called, "Help! I Think I've Been Hacked!"

Now, you can't change your partner's behavior or how he reacts to his computer falling prey to a hacker. If he fails to believe you, there's little you can do to convince him.

Therefore, it's time for you to review your relationship. Unfortunately, love and trust are two very different, and separate things - and his actions are saying either he's lacking trust in you, is paranoid, or both. A loving partner might get upset considering the circumstances, and they may even get mad and accuse you - however love means listening to your partner and hearing what they're saying. Most reasonable folks, after calming down a bit, would realize their accusation unwarranted and apologize. From the sounds of it your partner is in a very different mindset.

You need to ask yourself some difficult questions now, ones that involve how you feel and what you want. Do you want to be with someone who automatically assumes you want to do harm to him? Can you continue a relationship with a person that fails to trust or believe you? If trust is an issue now - three days after professing his love for you - does that create any red flags for you? Can he ever trust you? Is this trust issue really about you, or are the walls finally coming down and his true self shining through?

These questions are for you to answer, because I don't have enough information, however you must investigate within yourself further to determine the next steps. Convincing your partner that you're trustworthy is outside of the issue. Focusing on yourself and your needs, and whether or not your guy is the guy to provide them, is right at the heart of it.

What say you dear readers? What would you do in this situation? Do you have a suggestion for Tina?

Related: What is Real Love?, I Spied On His Phone and Found Sexting From Another Woman. Help?, I Love Him, Yet He Treats Me Poorly, He Lied About Talking to Other Women.

Comments
September 30, 2010 at 10:48 am
(1) Tifffany says:

Look, I would think it’s important that you’re happy and if you can find someone you have something in common with, or are compatible, that will help. I live to read, and am more or less insatiable. I actually met my boyfriend on Book Lover Dating. There are others I guess, but thatís the one I fell in love on.

September 30, 2010 at 11:05 am
(2) Nick says:

Weird I think the comment above is seriously trying to do some advertising. With not relevancy to the current post. I agree with you Bonny, trust is the number 1 factor when knowing if you going to be with someone and remain.

There is Love lust and there is Love Trust. Depending on which the partner has chosen to determine their love for you is the real question you should ask yourself.

October 7, 2010 at 11:32 am
(3) Kat says:

I think you are very wise NICK. Wish more men thought like that! I fell victim to false acusations all the time, I always thought it would get better and never did.

October 8, 2010 at 3:08 am
(4) syntyche says:

u re right relationship is all abt trust,if ur partner dnt trust u i see no reason been in such relationsip cos is going no where only cos u pains always.

October 2, 2010 at 8:53 am
(5) sonia sahota says:

Cool dating site.

October 3, 2010 at 12:25 am
(6) tm6336 says:

i would drop him like a bad habit ! i recently left a relationship were my girl kept wrongfully blaming all kinds of outrageous things on me and i can tell you it started out small and just got crazy and when it was all over it turned out she was cheating on me .
food for thought

October 7, 2010 at 6:51 pm
(7) Linda says:

I agree that this reaction says something about him — it could be that once he became close, said ILY, that all his suspicioiusness about women (which you had not seen before) rushed to the surface and got expressed in this situation (and would have in any convenient situation). It starts a conflict so you see immediately a push-pull about how he deals with you (ILY pulls you closer, accusing you and mistrusting you makes distance) — so this could be a “rollercoaster” sort of relationship if you continued. A more cynical possibility is that he regreted saying ILY and had no way to back out of things unless he accused you, made you mad, in which case maybe you would drop him. None of these possibilities bodes well for building a trusting intimate relationship — and please don’t fall in love with his “potential.”

October 15, 2010 at 10:40 pm
(8) Jodie says:

I agree. When my new friend stated she loved me & I didn’t respond in kind, it’s been emotionally downhill from there. Since she didn’t get a positive emotional reaction out of me, I feel she’s trying to force a negative emotional reaction out of me. Say she’s coming over- doesn’t. Meet for dinner- has to babysit- It’s an emotional spanking.

October 10, 2010 at 8:03 am
(9) Samuel. says:

I do agree with Nick.Some people are there just to disturb others. It sounds he is not into you but wants to confuse your mind and waste your time.If at this early time he is doing that then it means he is never a trustworthy man only fooling you!

October 14, 2010 at 12:16 pm
(10) PaulAustraliaTeam says:

One question is, if it is a nigerian 419 type scam, in the hope of you sending a new computer they pull this type of stuff.
If you have been internet dating and after 3 days they are falling inlove then I would question the intensions.

If it is a nigerian scam??? then you will have to wait to see if they are stuck in a motel needing food, passport, got bashed, money to pay the workers, money problems.

All of a sudden the internet date has to travel to Nigeria as a business or contract job.
He needs to fix his computer problems, that you have no control over.
If it is a question of sending money then don’t it has been a 3 day romance not a 3 to 6 month.
Also have you met this man in person or just seen any photo they have sent you, due to not working webcam and voice playing up.
Just my opinion,
Good Luck,
PaulAustraliaTeamTv

October 14, 2010 at 5:54 pm
(11) Ron says:

Wow! What’s the question here? If the SOB accuses you of this and won’t listen, dump the bastard and find someone who really cares about YOU! If you have to work this hard they why would you want to keep this dude. How can you WANT to continue with a relationship like this? Guess people do and maybe that’s why divorce court is always so busy. Find someone who CARES, not ACCUSES.

September 9, 2012 at 7:47 am
(12) VIP_Membah says:

From my experience (and my research) is that in many relationships partners don’t trust eachother to the fullest and keyloggers are very common.

Scan your computer with updated A-V (antivirus) software to be sure that you’re not infected.

September 13, 2013 at 4:56 pm
(13) Erika says:

drop the ass or ask him why he thinks you did it

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