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Bonny Albo

She Doesn't Want To Have Sex With Me Anymore - Dating Question

By September 29, 2013

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Julian asks: "I have been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now, and since the beginning we have been having sex. All of a sudden though, she tells me that she does not want to "disrespect" her body and that she does not want us having sex anymore. I feel like she should not have made such a big decision that affects both of us without even talking to me about it beforehand. I love her very much and to me the sex was a way of showing that love. It seems to me that if a relationship was sexually active, and that factor is suddenly taken away, the relationship can't be expected to be the same. Any advice?"

I agree that your relationship with your girlfriend needs to change, as what sounds like a big part of the way the two of you share your affection was through sexual intercourse has now been removed from the equation. However, I think that the question is something different than, "Should we continue having sex?"

Yes, it would have been much easier and kinder if your girlfriend to have talked to you about what was going through her mind before she made a decision. When you enter into a relationship with someone, part of that process is agreeing that any major decisions that affect the both of you are discussed, first. Someone gets offered their dream job 400 miles away, an ex invites you to their wedding, or who to spend the holidays with are all conversations better had, together, before any decisions are finalized.

Sex however is a tricky one, because for many people it is very difficult to talk to their partner about their needs and wants. Using the word "disrespect" tells me that your girlfriend has been struggling with this for some time and needs you to understand her dilemma. It wasn't easy for her to tell you about her decision, but I'll hazard a guess that it had very little to do with you. Rather, some outside force is "telling" her that sex is shameful, bad or not to be shared with someone she isn't married to. Problem is, it doesn't sound like you know which category her decision falls into.

Ask her why she feels sex is disrespectful to her body, and try to really listen to what she's saying. I know it's difficult to hear from the person you love that they want to stop an important aspect of your relationship, but if you want to make things work with this woman, you are going to have to bite your tongue (and pride) and find out the reasons why she feels this way. When did this become a problem, and why? What is she hoping to gain from not having sex with you anymore? Is all affection off limits (kissing, touching, hand holding), or just sex itself? Has she talked to a mental health professional, medical expert, sex therapist or someone in her religion and/or family about her decision?

Once you have a better idea as to what the reasoning is behind her decision, you can sit down together and talk about how a sexless relationship will affect the both of you, and whether or not it is something you can go back to. I know of women who have stopped having sex with their partners to prompt a marriage proposal, others who have found a religious calling, and yet others who were feeling depressed and didn't find sex at all satisfying anymore. Whatever her reason, you'll have to weigh your feelings on the matter, see if the two of you can come to a compromise (or at the very least get some professional help on the matter), and if not, determine whether or not your relationship can evolve into something new or if it is time for the two of you to part ways.

Related: Should We Take This Relationship To The Next Level Or Breakup?, The Problem of Desire in Long Term Relationships.

September 25, 2009 at 1:03 pm
(1) find another girl says:

My take on it is that the word “disrespectful” is one to watch out for. It sounds like she has decided something that wont be in your interests. Shes upset for some reason or other, maybe too much dr phil, maybe one of her friends or family gave her a hard time, or who knows what else.

I wouldnt rush into marrying her if it is like this or you could end up in a sexless marriage. Sort it out before you consider taking the relationship further.

September 26, 2009 at 12:40 pm
(2) Tim says:

Sex is an integral part of a healthy relationship between two able adults.

He should go find another woman….

Any man who tolerates abstinence by his intimate female partner is co-dependent.

September 26, 2009 at 11:14 pm
(3) Shalamazoo says:

hate to break it to you, but she could be interested in someone else

September 29, 2011 at 6:00 am
(4) Douglas'mindsthoughts says:

Heres why I commented here. DUDE, RUN NOW BEFORE FACING FURTHER DISRESPECT! What she means is that she cant sleep with two people at the same time and disrespect herself. It has nothing to do with you so make sure it doesnt… RUN!

September 27, 2009 at 10:24 pm
(5) Jack Strawman says:

Online dating has totally revolutionized the way we meet and mingle with other singles. We are no longer restricted to selecting only from those people close to us. Now we have access to other singles from all over the place. Finally, now we can be as picky and selective as we want. God bless the internet and god bless online dating.

September 28, 2009 at 11:56 am
(6) Hayley says:

I totally agree than she should have talked things over a but more before just declaring she didn’t want sex anymore.

I don’t think she would have said that for no good reason, so I would get her to a relationship counselor, to at least get to the root of the problem.

October 14, 2009 at 6:13 pm
(7) Jean says:

As a woman, I believe the ssex was not as good for her as you may think. If it was good she couldn’t cut it off so fast. She is missing something in the relationship and I bet it is an orgasm. Are you out for number one and not taking care of her needs? I guarentee this is the real problem and she doesn’t know any other way to address it. She has prabally tried and you did not hear her needs.

December 1, 2011 at 9:02 am
(8) maniya khan says:

I don’t think that sex is that important in a relationship before marrige,.,.,.,.,.. if you had heard her word ‘disrespect……..!’ than i think respecting her should be you first prefrence “if you reeely love her” & sex.,.,.,.,.,! is the thing you can wait for may be she is just checking you that do you reely love her or you are just using her for sex(you know girlz just think like that) & may be after a month or two if you will talk to her may be she’ll listen but for now you should listen to her &show her that you love her unconditionaly &you respect her feelings…

if you reely love her dont let her go coz you can have many girlz n lot of sex too but you can’t find your love again…………. ;)

December 1, 2011 at 1:53 pm
(9) vasha says:

What does disrespect mean? Listen to her definition and be prepared to bail. A person with this type of conflict may not ever be able to become the lover your want and need. Too many people get this after a commitment. Remember when there are changes in the rules then negotiation is called for. If it is not satisfactory to you then leave!

March 10, 2012 at 9:12 am
(10) guy says:

Wow, judging by Jean’s comment, she sounds like a very self-centered bitch. Don’t listen to her, as she’s trying to emasculate you. Your sole purpose sexually is not to “please” your partner. Sex is mutual and I think a lot of women forget about that. She owes as much to you as you do to her.

She sounds like a very, very selfish person. Digging any deeper will lead into nothing but convoluted excuses on her part. You’ll never really know. One thing you do know from this is that she’s very selfish and you should run. Don’t hesitate, just break it off. Women like this will never respect men or their needs.

September 29, 2012 at 1:28 pm
(11) Nela Odarijew says:

You can guess all you want about her decision not to have sex, but the only way to find out is ask her why she feels this way. Then you can make a decision as to where your relationship goes from there.

October 4, 2012 at 10:03 pm
(12) Jack says:

Just all of the sudden she wants to stop having sex with you somethings wrong big time. First of all you have to realize that we are living in a very selfish, selfcentered world. And she sounds like she falls into that category. Run now, its never gonna work. Relationships, now days are all most always temporary, hope I didn’t burst ur bubble but thats just the way it is.

October 6, 2012 at 8:59 pm
(13) Suleiman muhammad says:

She is right with that,but she support to privent him to have sex with her when then are not married yet….sex before marriage is not good

October 10, 2012 at 3:29 pm
(14) Tim Wood says:

My girlfriend refuses to have sex with me and yet she tells her friends and co-workers I am her Boyfriend , now I know that Sex isn’t all there is in a relationship but it helps along the way . I read that a couple should have sex 2-3 times a week I am lucky if I get it 2-3 times a year now , should I find someone else just for the sex or break it off with my girlfriend or what

October 23, 2012 at 3:38 am
(15) sanilm says:

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December 10, 2012 at 8:52 am
(16) Jason says:

Hate to to say this but 8 out of ten times if she’s not giving it up for no reason at all. Somebody else is taking care of that for her! She’s only keeping you around just in case. it happens to the best of us!

December 13, 2012 at 4:46 pm
(17) alex says:

my fiance and I dont have sex any more. ever since she was pregnant with our soon to be 5 month old son, no sex even after her recovery since she had c section. we also have a 5 year old daughter. when we all alone I try to seduce her so we can have sex but nothing always giving me excuse she’s tired or busy. I was unfaithful in the past for this very reason she dont meet my sexual desires anymore and been faithful for over a year since the last time I cheated. been with her for 9 years but idk what to doim very sexually active but she ain’t anymore. I give her everything I can give her but its not mutually even.

January 13, 2013 at 5:35 am
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January 17, 2013 at 10:20 am
(19) ashley says:

I going through this same situation w/ my bf and it sucks. I have read all of these comments and everyone failed to realize that its not a physical thing. In the Beginning i enjoyed it because i was happy with our relationship and i was ok with it. But somewhere down the line the kind words, respect, and love for eachother becAme less N less. For a long time i was feeling this way but i sucked it up because when i tried to tlk to him about it he just shoved it to the side. I felt disrespected. But i continued to make him happy but i we continue to spiral out of control cursing and hitting eachother so i couldnt do it anymore. Inside i was hurting and he didnt even care. That’s what pushed me to my decision. I love him to death but i cant keep satisfying him and continuously forget me. I keep telling him that once im happy it will be a desired. HECK I’M THE ONE WHO STARTED OUR SEX LIFE TOGETHER! I just cant do it anymore…

August 16, 2013 at 11:05 pm
(20) Ken says:

My girlfriend and i of 5 years. I broke it to her that i didnt want to have sex anymore. She freaked out but totally understood my feelings about it. I didnt want to be living a lie no longer to my kids. So when we went on a summer vacation a few weeks ago i slept in the same room as my kids and her kids slept in the same room as her. Now she is still upset by it but is now understanding that it is not healthy for the kids to think that its ok to sleep around in the sense that we are not married,. Im sorry but i just woke up one day valuing traditional values.

October 3, 2013 at 3:17 pm
(21) eryn says:

I have to hand it to all the comments made because they all make sense and I also agree strongly that perhaps the girrl in question has another party happening down the hall…For what ever reason I’d have a chat with her then make up your mind..It almost sounds like a pre-empt to see ya later its been fun and if you let her go perhaps you will never have the real truth..She could be going back to an old BF but as I said …everyone has their suspicions but you will find out for yourself..There are many fish in the sea so take your bait and fish some place else..you never know what you will find and maybe its time for a change…..P.S. marriage is out of the question…

October 4, 2013 at 6:15 am
(22) lynne says:

its difficult one yer if u both understand each other n why she gone of sex sorry to say but men always want sex as two women togeather can be different, but also must talk about it my ex stopped wanting sex stopped cuddling stopped any pysical contact i felt unloved not wanted she wouldnt talk to me go to bed in spaire bedroom no she was not two timing she was ill i found out much later i went of with someone else n lost my best friend my sole mate i made a mistake n can’t turn back time the woman i went of with was ruling my life i feel out with my family lucky i left her n back incomtact with my family but lost the only woman i really luved

October 6, 2013 at 10:58 am
(23) Donnie says:

I have read all the comments and it is truly easy for someone to tell someone to move on. When your heart is crushed you most certainly do need to know why so please talk to her. She may lie and never tell you. Try to make sure you have heard all the things and excuses why. I think you will find convoluted excuses as you dig in if she cant give it to you straight. My wife decided our second child that sex is not important to her. Kissing stopped and so did the smiles and the greetings at the door. I’m no expert but I do believe that you are both responsible for making each other happy. When one person stops doing that, it creates a big problem. I have read on and on about letting her go. Get ready for a roller coaster ride my friend. She cant love something she sees every day. I promise you if she pulls this on you and you feel that you are good sexually with her, then the next guy is going to be in for a surprise also. I have learned that happiness comes from within. You cant rely on her nor her sex to make you happy. You must learn to make you happy first. Start learning to do some things you enjoy my friend. Once her mind is made up don’t beg like a dog or you will most certainly be treated like a dog and never respected. It hurts like hell my man. Nothing can prepare a man with values for a day when his woman doesn’t desire him. She must get her act together. I don’t believe in a marriage nor a relationship where a man or a woman must campaign for their spouses affection. That’s some serious garbage. Get a life man Im trying to get me one and move the hell on!

October 14, 2013 at 9:59 am
(24) amanda says:

Really people. Look at your comments. What do you know about this reasonability a few paragraphs. Telling him to leave. This is his decision and his only. no one knows what’s really going on in the relationship. It seen more and more typical for a man to get what he wants and if he doesn’t your gone type of attitude. This is why families don’t last, marriages, relationships; people become so self centered rather than try and figure out what’s the real issue and it very well could be her belief of not wanting to disrespect her body. She has rights to it and he has rights of figuring out what he feels without getting upset and saying truthfully what he wants and expects in a relationship. Now he know what he feels and if it’s that he can’t wait, that he has to have sex then she may be better off without him or the relationship can become abusive. Since this is a sensitive things in a relationship. However if he can’t deal with it maybe counseling they should consider taking to help their relationship through this change. No matter what decision they make their are hundreds of options. So try to give positive suggestions than just end it. There are a lot of people that don’t know the options they can choose. I really hope the best for the both of them and keep researching options for couples going through tough decisions like this.

October 18, 2013 at 9:15 am
(25) Barbara says:

These are all powerful comments! Thank you all for speaking up so honestly!
I am reading right now a book that helps me to understand how different man and woman are in their needs.
The title is:
Love and Respect from Dr Emerson Eggenrichs.
Julian, maybe you should read this book together with your girlfriend.
I wish you with all my heart that your problem with her will be solved when you ask her: “Will you marry me…soon?” and a happy ending ever after. A year is good enough…to know each other…and you are learning a lifetime anyway…..
My personal opinion is: Sex without commitment creates disrespect….
and if a woman feels disrespected she is not as enthusiastic about sex any more as she might have been in the beginning… Why wasting something so special like sex on somebody who might after all just try me out and then throw me away?
No thank you!
This book says at the back cover:
“A revolutionary message. I have been married for 35 years and I have not heard this taught. This is the key that I have been missing. You connected all the dots for me. As a counselor, I have never been so excited about any material…you are on something huge here.”

October 18, 2013 at 1:11 pm
(26) Pulseguy says:

Sexual difficulties are very hard to fix in a relationship. You are not her counselor and I would be very loathe to get into a situation where you are compromising yourself in order to ‘understand’ her. It should be easier than this. If you are a normally sexually healthy person wish her the best of luck and find someone who also is normally sexually healthy.

Some of the reasons offered have been:

1. She is cheating. Might be, in which case move on. You can’t solve this.
2. She has sexual issues. Could be, in which case move on. You can’t solve this.
3. She has some religious hangups. These usually mask having sexual issues, even if they are religiously based. Move on. You can’t solve this.
4. You are crummy in bed, she has talked to you about it, and you won’t listen. In which case, pay some attention, then move on. She should not be with someone who pays no attention to her, and if she does, for both your sakes move on. Some slight possibility of you solving this, but considering your letter, if this were the case, not much chance at all.

October 23, 2013 at 12:12 pm
(27) Rob Sebastian says:

The fact that she used the term “Disrespect” tells us all that she is growing up and facing real truth about sex-before marriage. Sex before marriage ruins your marriage of the future. She is growing mentally, spiritually, and intelectually and leaving this guy behind.
What gives this dude the right to her intamacy if he’s not wiling to take responsibility and marry her and pay the bills.
All benefits come with responsibility. when a benefit comes without responsibility its because somebody else payed the price. in this case she is no longer willing to pay the price for his sexual gratification. I hope she finds a guy who loves her for real and not just for sex. Rob Sebastian.

November 21, 2013 at 12:34 pm
(28) lp says:

Sounds to me like she has someone else and that’s the only way she can tell you by not responding to you intimately

December 23, 2013 at 1:27 pm
(29) Dan says:

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 7 months and now she says she doesn’t want to have sex anymore I’ve tried to take her out buy her nice things and treat her right the thing that gets to me is that for the first 5 months it was like we would make love at least 5 to 6 times a week but now it’s been almost a month and a half and still no sex what shall I do? Do I just ride it out or what? Has she found another guy what shall I do?

January 30, 2014 at 9:40 am
(30) jay says:

Dark side: For a year you and her had sex, before you she most likely had sex, now things one random day just change? What was so fun and intense turned to disrespect? Didnt bother speaking to you about it at all, no respect for your input. The word disrespect was only used to distract your mind from thinking she is cheating or more plausible explanation. She doesnt want marriage because if that was the case she would have said sex before marriage makes her feel bad or w.e and not anything about disrespect Bright side:

February 27, 2014 at 12:31 pm
(31) checkmate says:

Dude: in all honesty if you love her, then let her be, another words you can LOVE her but, you must love yourself first and be willing to honestly ask yourself if it is like this now, just imagine how depressed and emotionally abused you will feel when you see other couples together kissing, touching, hugging and holding and being “HAPPY” with their choices and sharing of themselves with each other.
Why do “some” men cheat? because “some WOMEN” push them to get their needs met somewhere else.
Sex is an expectation of marriage as defined by any law definition as well as being used in any Divorce Proceedings. It may be that you will never be able to satisfy her due to the primary reason that SHE doesn’t know how to satisfy herself.
I know because I am in the process of ending a 25yr marriage and have never cheated but, had many opportunities to do so, she wants to talk but doesn’t want to listen. I want to make love to my wife and am tired of talking and finally told her find someone else to bore to DEATH!

Talking and Screwing both use a set of LIPS and I told her I talk to hundreds of women on a weekly basis, what I want is her Vaginal LIPS to be wet, soft and compliant, I don’t need another 4 hrs of lecture, otherwise I would have enrolled in another class of Thermodynamics or Abstract Mathematics.

April 9, 2014 at 6:59 am
(32) katty says:

my girlfriend feels she is unable to have sex because she was rape so she tells me but in the beginning she did not talk about that she said that all her relationships start out good but then is unable to have sex everything I do is wrong hate everything my friends why oh and that she is not active to me anymore but every time I turn around her best friend is their why

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