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Bonny Albo

He Wants Kids, I'm Too Young - Dating Question

By February 15, 2014

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Chloe asks: "I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 31. He's ready to start a family with me, but I feel like I'm too young to even start thinking about having kids. I'm flattered that he wants me as the mother of his children but the thought scares me too. He's the only guy I've ever dated, and I really care about him a lot. How do I tell him I'm not ready for kids without him breaking up with me over it?"

What concerns me most about your question Chloe is the older man aspect of your equation. You probably already know, but dating someone who is thirteen years older than you at this stage of your life is a challenge at the best of times. He's ready to settle down and you aren't. He's already learned how to be independent and live as an adult, whereas you're just getting started - and may still be finishing high school. Basically, your goals and aspirations aren't going to jive with your boyfriends'.

This might be difficult to hear, and I realize its not what you're asking, but you need to tell him that you're not ready to have kids yet and prepare yourself for the relationship ending because of it. This isn't your time to start a family, and from what you've said, that won't change anytime soon. If he's dead set on having kids ASAP, then it might be best for both of you if things ended now.

Related: Relationship Expectations, Will Our Relationship Last Quiz, Communication Skills Quiz for Couples, Should We Take This Relationship To The Next Level or End It?

Comments
March 2, 2010 at 9:51 pm
(1) canada date says:

good article younger women should take their time

March 3, 2010 at 5:29 am
(2) CafeCupid says:

Well said and she should listen your advice. I can say love has no age or any other limits but you need to be honest and tell the other person what you want. After that there is two options:

1)He will get upset and end it up the relationship. No worries you are young and there will be others ready for you.
2) He will understand you and give you more time to get ready.
At the end it is win win situation for her.

March 4, 2010 at 2:15 am
(3) singles groups says:

Frankly telling you the idea of starting a family at 18 is not at all appropriate. The thing I want to know is how long is your relationship? I mean decision of staring family requires some basic understanding and with this big age difference it is hard to get. 18 is age of step in to the world you will find many nice people ahead in your life, give yourself time to explore good things for you. If you ask me I would say “It is too early”.

March 4, 2010 at 7:36 pm
(4) Anon Girl says:

Been there done that girl. I’m 19, the ex 23. He wanted a kid, I didn’t. He loved me, but I wouldn’t give him what he wanted. So he ended up cheating on me for 5 whole months before I found out he had a five month pregnant ho on the side. Trust me, it will hurt a lot worse if he does this to you than if he just acts like a real man and breaks up with you!
Take it from someone your age, run away now!!! It will not work out. He was my first boyfriend too. But I loved being single before him. Even though it will hurt for a while we will both get over it.

March 6, 2010 at 5:24 am
(5) Dating in Canada says:

I always figured age was pretty immaterial. If the people are mature enough to know what they want, and know what they are getting in to, then go for it. It’s more a matter of their mindset. I’m not sure to what extent I really believe in this though. If a 18 year old that fit the latter description were dating somebody say 40 or 50 that would still seem a bit iffy to me.

March 7, 2010 at 7:07 am
(6) Brad says:

I think this is good advice.

I don’t find it concerning that there is a 13 year gap, but I do find it concerning that the low end of the age gap is 18. At his age, he’s being reasonable to want to have kids and settle down and at your age you’re being reasonable to not want that.

Along similar lines, I’ve had friends who got married right out of high school and immediately had kids (actually, it was kids then marriage but who’s counting?). While they adore their kids, you always get a sense that they feel that they never really got to live their life as some of their friends had. And they are the first ones to tell younger friends to take things slow.

At any rate, it will be hard (and perhaps sad) but I think you need to follow Bonny’s advice.

March 8, 2010 at 10:46 am
(7) gray@magichelix.com says:

CANíT TEACH, WONíT BE TAUGHT
There is always a point in someone’s life when someone else tries to tell you how to do something. They call it teaching. It is as fundamental to the human character as eating or talking. It forms and perpetuates the culture an individual is born into. Cultural evolution and adaptation emerge from the process of teaching. We are what we were taught.

Put down those books and walk into the wilderness naked. Learn, but refuse to be taught.
Gray Dourman

February 4, 2011 at 2:19 pm
(8) melissa says:

love looks not with the eyes but with the mind. if its meant to be it wont matter the age difference. you cant let things like that stand in the way of at least having a chance at true, long term, committed love

March 3, 2013 at 7:51 pm
(9) Michelle says:

18 is definitely too young to start having children. I had my daughter at 21. Although, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I still feel that I missed out on so much in my 20′s because I had so much responsibility at a young age. Her father and I split up when she was 2. When she was about 4, I started dating a guy who was 15 years older than me. The relationship didn’t work out but he was a great guy who I learned a lot from. Every relationship has the potential to be a learning experience. Enjoy life some though before taking on life changing responsibilities

March 5, 2013 at 3:35 pm
(10) Diane Denbaum says:

The only issue here in my mind is what do YOU want? Whatever that is, let him know and then see what he chooses.

March 17, 2013 at 8:42 am
(11) Rosey68 says:

Young be wise and listen to good advice.I was your age when i got pregnant and married a guy 10yrs older.Our goals and aspirations in life were always at loggerheads.It never worked out and so broke up with Kids on the line.Am now 44 and enjoying love with someone close to my age.Dont mess yourself up gal.

March 22, 2013 at 12:54 am
(12) Tony says:

Chloe-dear, this ain’t the year 1322 or there-abouts, when girls became mothers, fresh out of puberty (often in forced marriages). You’ve experienced this world for a mere 14 years … (yes, age 4 is way too young to even make reasoned judgements about it). So that gave you 14 years of exploring, learning, finding out what all this planet has to offer.

But have you any idea of what joys still await you at age 22? Or what wonders lie in store for you at age 24? Do you really want to miss out on the fabulous experiences that age 26 can bring? Your 31-year-old lover may be the greatest soul with the best of intentions, but I believe you are severely limiting your options by maintaining such tunnel vision.

Do you really imagine yourself sitting on the porch, suckling an infant while looking at your 24-year-old peers out there having fun? Please widen your gaze. Give it time. Give yourself a chance to develop and to grow further in experience. You have no idea! There are so many more wonderful events awaiting you in the year 2019 and beyond, relationships you will enjoy, good times you will experience — long before your biological clock runs out. Give it some serious thought, okay? It’s a smorgasbord out there! (You can thank me later.)

February 18, 2014 at 8:25 pm
(13) Rhuz says:

Age gaps sometimes may affect a relationship especially if the gap is too far. In this situation, the guy is ready to settle down but the girl is not yet. Well, i guess this needs a serious talk and decide if who will sacrifice or both will.

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