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Did He Get Caught Cheating?

Dating Advice - Was My Boyfriend Cheating?


Couple arguing in kitchen
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Q:I have been with my boyfriend for two years, we live together and have a normally great relationship. Saturday night, I hosted a party with a few of my girlfriends. Sunday morning, he comes to me and tells me there is a rumor going around that he slept with someone the night before. He "didn't do it, but my friends are going to tell me otherwise." I believe him because the woman he allegedly slept with started a rumor before he and I were together that they slept together, and since then he has always hated her.

But then my friend called me and told me exactly what he said she would and that, earlier that morning, he admitted to getting caught cheating. She said that he told her, "I'm sorry, I screwed up."

So today I asked him if he said "I'm sorry, I screwed up." He says he did not. I now do not know if I can believe him. The girl that he cheated on me with would lie and make this all up and tell my friend - I believe that. But why would my friend turn around and lie to me and tell me that he admitted it? Or worse, what if neither of the girl, nor my friend are lying and he is?

Was my boyfriend caught cheating by my friends?

A: First off, I'd like to thank you for asking this dating question; although its a doozy, I get many variations of this theme in my mailbox daily. Did my boyfriend cheat? Who should I believe - my friends or my live-in boyfriend? - are all valid questions in this situation, if difficult ones.

I won't go into who is lying and who isn't, because I don't feel that's really the question here. Rather, it comes down to questions of trust, and - unfortunately - drama. If you cannot trust your partner to tell you the truth, then there is a much bigger issue here than who said what.

You live together but have a night to yourselves doing your own thing - a great idea. But the fact that your boyfriend came to you and told you *specifically* that the rumor going around was untrue, *and* your friends were going to tell you otherwise?

I've heard countless stories from women like yourself whose partners have come to them with a rumor before they got wind of it. It happens, and its the kindest thing possible to do when faced with this kind of horrible situation. Who wants to hear such a story from someone other than one's partner, no matter how innocent the actual goings on might have been?

Still, I'm confused. Why on earth would your boyfriend add to the drama of the situation and say your friends were going to lie too? This makes no sense to me at all. If nothing really happened, then there would be no drama, and no need to inform of you this. Period.

You say you've already sat down with your boyfriend and talked to him about the events of the evening, so doing so again would be pointless. The same goes for your friend. What you need to do is take a huge step back from everyone, and take some time for yourself. What is your gut telling you? Take into account that a similar situation has already occurred with this same boyfriend (and same woman) before. How many more times will you tolerate hearing the same story, asking yourself the same questions, wondering who in your life you can trust, and whom you cannot?

The answer only lies within yourself; I can only suggest so much based on the limited information available to me that you've shared. But whatever your final choice, make sure that something changes in your relationship - whether it is the expectations between the two of you, rules of engagement, or even the existence of the relationship itself - so that you're never left wondering whose story to believe, and what motivating factors someone important in your life would have to lie to you.

Ask Bonny is a dating advice column that focuses on relationship issues. If you have a question that relates to the dating community, please fill out this dating advice submission form.

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