Chris asks: "I've never had a sexual, intimate relationship, although I have gone on dates with quite a few women. I've just started dating a woman that I'm really interested in. We connect deeply on quite a few levels, conversation flows and we lose time together frequently, and we've even shared a kiss, if chaste. She's said to me a few times recently that I have to "learn how to let go," and I'm not entirely sure what she means. Does letting go mean having sex, touching her, being more free, stop planning things, or something entirely different that I can't wrap my head around? As well, *how* do I go about actually letting go? Help?!"
Bonny says: What a great question, Chris! Let's get right down to it.
When someone asks you to 'let go,' they want to know that you're able to trust them. For whatever reason, the woman you're dating seems to think you've got your guard up. Perhaps you sit with arms and legs crossed whenever she asks you a personal question, or maybe you're not very forthcoming with details about who you are and what really inspires you in life. Think about how you're conveying a lack of trust, and then try to catch yourself in the moment to relax and literally let go of that feeling in your body. Visually, it might look like you stretching, touching your date affectionately, or maybe even kissing them with some passion behind your lips.
Letting go can also refer to allowing things to happen as they're supposed to. Do you have a tendency to plan your dates out so that there's little wiggle room, or have an agenda in your mind with this woman? When you meet your date, do you have expectations as to what will happen, and refuse to connect, put walls up, or literally stop whatever's happening if those key points don't occur in the way you'd fantasized?
A friend told me about how he recently let go with his girlfriend during a particularly intimate moment. They were lying in bed together, listening to some music, and for whatever reason every sense seemed heightened, including their sense of touch. Colors seemed brighter, the air crisper, and the sun even brighter than before. In that moment, he felt overwhelmed with a sense of softness for his partner, and so he blurted out, "I love you!" She, in turn, was shocked and surprised at his admission, in part because he rarely let go in any way prior to this conversation.
The sister of a friend also told me recently that her boyfriend taught her that, "...choosing reality is far more wondrous than waiting for the fantasy." There's no way to plan the magical moments of our lives, nor can we force thinking or experiencing life from a less analytical, more heart-centered space. Having said that, the beauty in the moments that you allow to "just happen," although never perfect, will always far outshine those that you create in your head and control until the last second. Trust this woman, and extend the same in return, by just letting things be one evening while you're spending time together, and see how your relationship evolves, hopefully for the better.
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