Lady Christian asks: "I've known my man for 5 years now. We have been together a little over a year and we getting married on Halloween of this year. He is in the national guard and he has a job where he works 12 hours shifts.
About a month ago he got ADDICTED to a computer game World of Warcraft (WoW), and now I get no time with him neither does my 2 year daughter. He used to be all about being a family, but now he will spend hours on that game. One night it was for 11 hours and last night it was 8 hours. He is on night shifts so I understand him having to staying up all night on his days off but I figured that he would spend time with me before I went to sleep. He wont even take a shower with me! I get no time with him at all. I'm so lonely!
When I told him how I felt and he said that he would only play it while I was asleep. Well the next day he bought a headset and microphone for the game and was on it for hours while I was sitting on the couch, alone, watching a movie that he wanted to watch. One night I asked him to take out trash can; he said he would but than when I woke up a 6am he hadn't moved from the computer. He is ignoring everything - his family, his duties around the house, everything.
I've told him how I feel repeatedly, but he thinks I'm being stupid and is mad that I'm hurt. I don't know what to do! I love him so much. But I'm also tired of being lonely and doing everything all the time while he is sitting at the computer. What should I do? I'm so confused right now. His sister and her husband play too, so he keeps telling me I need to play so I won't be so "pissy". Well, I don't want to play. I want to spend time with him, but he just doesn't get that. Help!
Lady Christian, I feel your pain. I've watched many a close friend of mine lose their partner to game addiction, and I hear about the frustrating topic of game addiction and how it affects dating relationships all too often. So first let's say that you aren't alone, and there are people to talk to who have been through what you are going through. There are several internet forums specifically created to help people like yourself cope; I've included some at the bottom of this post. I would also recommend getting in contact with a professional with a specialty in gaming addiction if you can find one; if you live in Seattle for instance there is a groundbreaking program there that caters to couples where one person is struggling with a game addiction. (See: Seattle Leads The Way With New Services For Video Game Addiction).
As for what you can do right now, you have a couple of options. You've said that you've discussed this with your fiance quite a few times, and he feels that his game addiction isn't a problem. Instead, he's putting the blame on you and calling you names, making you feel badly for asking to spend time with him, and ignoring his basic responsibilities to play WoW. With that in mind, my first suggestion would be to take stock of your own life, and see if this could be an opportunity to focus more on yourself while he's gaming. Are there things that you loved to do prior to your relationship but feel like you can't get around to now? Have you been neglecting your friends to focus on your relationship? If so, look at the ways you can take advantage of this opportunity to give yourself some tender loving care in healthy and appropriate ways. Because no matter what comes of your finance's game addiction and your relationship with him, you'll need personal strength and a good dollop of self esteem to tackle it.
Secondly, I'd back off on the talks with him about how much his behavior is hurting you. He knows he's hurting you, even if he's unwilling to admit it. If you continue to comment in the way that you have been, he will merely shut down even more and retreat even further into his game. Your fiance either cannot (or doesn't want) to admit he has a problem, and confronting him in this manner won't bring about the change you require. And I do agree his behavior is problematic, as it is impairing his day-to-day functioning and interpersonal relationships.
Next, I'd look at how you could make your interactions with your fiance a game of sorts. Of the men I know who readily admit they have a game addiction, each one said that their partner could help matters by either joining in and playing occasionally with him, learning a bit about the game, or turning their real-world interactions into a contest of sorts. For instance: "Honey, I think you need a stretch break, and I have a the perfect antidote," while you massage his shoulders. Or see who can finish something big first, with a 'prize' going to the winner. "If I finish this knitting first, you do the dishes, but if you finish that level first, I will."
Now, there will undoubtedly be some readers who find my last suggestion offensive, wrong, or otherwise negative in nature. A part of me agrees, yet I also feel that both partners will need to compromise. Spending time with your partner can occur in a variety of ways, and both of you are going to have to give and take here to make things work. Trying something different might help in spicing things up a bit, but it also might show you without a shadow of a doubt that your fiance isn't willing to budge, and thus, currently doesn't have the basic skills needed for a long term commitment.
Your other option of course is to end the relationship, or at the very least give your fiance an ultimatum. Perhaps show him this blog posting to read over and have a discussion about it, without accusation on either of your parts. What would he, or you, say to a good friend going through the same thing? Would it matter? What if it was temporary? Permanent?
No matter what the two of you decide however, it'll take some changes on both of your parts. I hope both of you are able to come together out of love and work with one another to resolve this issue to each other's satisfaction.
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