STUART: Five years ago, I met a guy named Nick online at a UK-based gay matchmaking site called Gaydar. In our ensuing email communications, we realized that we had a lot in common, so we decided to meet for dinner.
When we met, there was an instant physical attraction… but that is where it stopped. Both of us – exhausted from work – defaulted to our “I’m tired” behavior: I couldn’t stop talking (about myself) and Nick completely shut down, offering only monosyllabic responses. We left the date with very different impressions: Nick thought I was pompous and I thought he was a dud.
The next couple of days gave us a chance to think and review our past emails. We both reflected that the other had been good “on paper;” why not give it a chance? Despite lingering reservations, we sent each other emails – they literally crossed at the same time — suggesting getting together again. The second data was a revelation – it was like seeing each other for the first time… and we liked what we saw. We’ve been together five years now and – thanks to the recent CA Supreme Court decision – are getting married on August 6, five years to the day we met.
The lesson here is that if the first meeting – or couple of meetings – doesn’t work out…. If there are strong negative feelings that you can’t really account for… I ALWAYS advise people to give it another chance. It works. One of my closest friends – a beautiful former model – did not have a relationship for nearly 20 years; I intro’d her to a fellow who was a notorious serial dater. But they seemed right to me: a yin to the other’s yang. After the first… second… third date, she tried to bail, telling me there was no chemistry; after Date 4, she called me with “Wow.” The immovable object finally met the irresistible force… and they have been together four years.
