Ceriden asks, "I've been single way too long now, and want to change it. I'm tired of being single, and explaining to my friends and family why... I just want to meet someone! Please don't tell me to hit the online dating sites either, as I've been there, done that".
I think this is one of the most frequently-asked questions I get from my readers, friends and clients, even if it's couched in a different way. You know what I mean, single folks. Your Mom asks you when you're going to settle down, and you guilty think maybe it is time. Your best friend can't stop talking about the person they just met, and you rarely even see them anymore, because they're so entrenched in their new relationship. There's a huge wedding coming up, and you'd rather stay home than go, single. Or, like many of us, it's just that you really, truly miss the company of a tenderheart, a confidante, a lover and partner, one who 'gets' you, one who likes you, and one who wants you. All of you.
Whatever the reasoning or way that you came to the conclusion that it's time, you've decided. You're tired of being single, and you want to actively, concretely do something about it. Yay! I think, when I hear that kind of exasperation in the people who come to me's voices, or in the emails that plead with me to help them. Because when we're willing to stop complaining and actually do something about our situation, we've already cleared the biggest hurdle. And so, Ceriden, thank you for your candor. With a bit of faith, time, and tenacity, we'll get you to the place you want to be, and quickly.
"Huh?" You may ask. "You want me to start with positivity? I'm sick and tired of being single, and I've had enough of living the footloose and fancy-free life. What does positivity have anything to do with it?"
Let me let you in on a monstrous secret: your attitude matters when looking for a date, or soulmate. Have you ever met someone who complained about their ex, gave you an earful about how much it sucks to be single, or bemoaned all of the 'happy' couples walking by? Do you really want to be that person? Because right now, if you really look honestly at yourself, you are. Just look at the negativity couched in the phrase, "I'm tired of being single."
So then, how do you change that outlook for a more positive one? With a bit of humor and playfulness. Think about the things you want, relationship-wise. How do you want to feel? What do you want people to see when they run into you and your love? It's those things, those positive feelings and emotions that make you feel all tingly and giddy inside that you want to focus on. See the difference?
- "He's got to dress impeccably," vs. "I want to be proud of how my partner looks,"
- "She's got to be less than 150 pounds," vs. "I'm looking forward to meeting her and having her take my breath away,"
- "I'll be engaged in a year," vs. "I'm in love!"
Go ahead, write those things down. Even better, close your eyes and think of how you'll feel when you meet, partner or get engaged to the partner of your dreams. Then, write down how that feels, and keep that tidbit with you wherever you go. Remind yourself every time you phrase something negatively about your search for love that you're after something else.
Move in the Direction You Want To Go
"Bonny, you've really lost it now. How do I move towards love," you're probably asking. I did, too, when someone first suggested this idea to me. The thing is, whether you're job hunting, planning a trip around the world, or seeking love, the premise remains the same: you have to move in the direction you want to go in order to get there.
For me, that means surrounding myself with love - whether it's love I already feel from my friends or that I share with others, love role models that I admire and aspire to, or loving words, shows, gestures, songs and experiences. Some ideas to get you started:
It comes down to however is how you feel loved, right in this moment. Whatever things, places, experiences or people that you can mirror, have or do right now, write them down, and make time regularly to feel them. When particularly frustrated, I've even had clients set a timer for themselves ever 45 minutes to remind themselves to do something loving for themselves. That could be some basic self-care, looking in the mirror and telling yourself, "I love you," or merely taking some deep, cleansing breaths. What you do depends on your time frame, nature and wants - just make sure you do something, regularly.
Although these two things might seem incredibly simple, they do take focus and effort. Try them every day (or every hour!) for a few weeks, and see how they affect your single status. I'll bet that, even if your time to meet someone special is still a bit further in the future, you'll still feel a positive shift in the right romantic direction.