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Does She Miss Me After the Breakup?

Dating Advice for a Reader Wanting To Know If His Ex Misses Him


Teenage girl in armchair in new home
Colin Hawkins/ Cultura/ Getty Images

Q: My girlfriend and I were together for 2 years. We lived together and I basically took care of her daughter on as my own, paying for half of the day care and so forth. One day we got into a big argument and broke up, even though she cried, hugged me, told me that I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had, loved and cared for me still but wasn't in love with me anymore.

I met with her a week after the breakup to get the last of my things, and she already had most of them packed up, although she still had the picture of me and her daughter up on the wall. She doesn't wear the ring I gave her anymore, but she does wear the earrings I gave her on our one year anniversary. Sometimes when I see her at work I get the feeling she misses me, but doesn't show it.

Are there any hidden ways I can tell she misses me and wants me back, or am I reaching for something that isn't there? - Jason

A: A two-year, live-in relationship with a child isn't a casual relationship, but I'll hazard a guess you already know this. Still, in keeping with that logic, it only seems realistic that your ex girlfriend does miss you - although she may not want you back in her life as a romantic partner. Think about it: you've shared your lives together for the past two years in a very intimate and connected fashion, even if the relationship wasn't perfect. Of course your ex is going to miss you; that's a long time to be together and a cold turkey breakup is going to be hard on everyone involved (including and especially her daughter), no matter how they present those feelings to the outside world.

Having said that, I get the impression that you aren't really asking if your ex misses you. What you are asking is more along the lines of, "Does she want me back, and if so, how can I tell?" which is quite different.

So. Does your girlfriend want you back? I can't give you a 100% accurate answer, because I don't know your girlfriend. My guess however is that she doesn't, based on the fact that she's the one who ended the relationship. Just because you have a "feeling" that she may miss you when you run into her at work doesn't mean much, nor does the fact that she's still wearing some of the jewelry you gave her. We all mourn relationships in different ways, and this may be her way of letting go.

With that in mind, it is also time for you to let go. Even on the off chance that she does want you back, you still need to work out the reasons as to why your relationship failed - on your own, without your ex's input - before you can even think about the remote chance of a reconciliation. You'll also have to take a break from dating, as well as work through the steps of getting ready to date again. Then, and only then, can you really think about your ex girlfriend, her motivations, and whether or not she'd be willing to try again with you.

Try focusing on yourself for the next month instead of the outside world (such as what your ex girlfriend is thinking or how she may be interacting or acting during this breakup phase). I know it's terribly difficult and much easier said than done, but without focusing on yourself and your own needs during this breakup, you are only setting yourself up for more heartbreak down the road.

Ask Bonny is a dating advice column that focuses on relationship issues. If you have a question that relates to the dating community, please fill out this dating advicesubmission form.

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