What kind of relationship were you in?
Long Term Committed, about three months off proposing.
How long were were you together before the break up?
Describe the break up.
The relationship had never been smooth, there was a lack of trust on both sides but on my side I had grown to love her so much that I simply looked past certain things as long as it was not obvious. I think her mistrust of me was simply down to her projection of her own feelings meaning she was afraid I would do what she was doing to me. Our love life faded badly mainly due to constant bickering. This will sound one sided but she was a very selfish person who struggled with anger and communicating without fighting. This led to constant attacks over petty issues, something we both tired of. There was also someone else.
How did you cope after the break up?
Not well. She said that she had only kissed him (he worked in her office, was from the same country, bigger in build and good looking and seemed like a good guy, I'd met him three times) but my gut screamed affair, but I could not know that so I was caught between the pain of loosing her and anger that I had to pull every answer out of her and still not know how deceived I had been. I had absolutely committed myself to her and in some way this probably led to the break-up. Money issues and me growing tired and stressed led me to loose who I was and give too much to someone who was not giving back.
I dragged it out of her on New Years Eve that it was over, its now been three months. The first six weeks were hell on earth and I now know what true friends are. I cried a lot and lost complete confidence in who I was. She had moved out by the time I returned from a visit home to see relatives. I had to work from home which was an empty shell. I slept in the spare room because I couldn't sleep in our room. The other guy has now gone back to his ex so it will never be resolved between them which in turn means it can never be resolved between us because the question of "what if" with him will always be there.
I still have bad days often after a big weekend and still have so many questions although I am getting better at letting go. I blocked her and him on Facebook as well as friends ours at first so I wouldn't have to see photos of her life. FB is the devil in these situations. I live in a place where you see the same people all the time and often see the other guy or friends of his or the person she now lives with, whether she is seeing him I don't know - your mind runs wild. This is the worst thing because the reminders make it harder to move on.
I have seen her once since the break up and it was like sitting with a stranger - she had completely moved on which is why I suspected an affair. She also used money as a reason she left me.
I started to go out more with friends which is necessary but a double edged sword if you drink to much. I tried to step outside when it got too bad, even if just for a minute or two so I could feel air in my lungs. I wrote emails and reminded myself about the selfish things she had done and why we had problems. Some emails I sent some I just kept drafts of. Funnily enough we had a heated email exchange after an issue with the bank account we shared and I let rip with some home truths. That emails strength helps me every now and then
- You can never change another persons mind, only they can do that so focus on your life.
- Cry, your body does it for a reason, Cry, cry some more and then pick yourself up.
- Get outside, even for a minute when in your darkest hour, especially in the sun.
- Talk to someone, a friendly stranger is often more helpful than a friend who has an opinion on the both of you.
- Be honest about your faults to the core and then be honest about hers.
- Don't give too much if you are not getting anything back - address this!
- No matter what never loose faith in who you are. Improve yourself but don't try to be someone els