What kind of relationship were you in?
I lived with my boyfriend.
How long were the two of you together?
Just over a year.
Describe the relationship.
We met before the Internet was popular through a telephone dating company. The first time I saw him he came to my work to 'check me out', and I should have known then and there that something was off. Who comes into someone's work that they've never met to see what they look like?
I'd just lost a lot of weight however and was a bit overwhelmed by the responses from men at the time, and he knew already that it was something I was struggling with. Making me feel comfortable in the early stages was something he was good at, and he convinced me to move in within a few weeks of having met... and then the abuse started.
How did you get out of the abusive relationship?
He would leave me for days at a time with no money, food or way to contact the outside world - other than the computer. After he broke my arm by slamming a door against it, I decided my only way out was to get a job where I'd have some outside relief. I convinced him that the money I'd make would help "us", and quickly landed a position within walking distance.
Soon however my coworkers figured out something was up, and after a particularly bad week of physical abuse, the police showed up at our door. They questioned me IN FRONT OF my boyfriend at the time, so there was no way I was going to be honest about what was happening - I was too scared of the consequences. And so they left.
Weeks later, their visit haunted me. I'd broken my arm after my boyfriend slammed it into a door, and it was left untreated because he 'didn't trust doctors'. I was sleeping in a flea-infested room without a bed to lie on, and occasionally my boyfriend would come in and force himself on me.
For whatever reason, one day I finally had enough - but with no phone I felt trapped as to what to do - so I went back on the BBS. Within minutes I met another guy on the site and told him I'd come over 'meet' him, and an hour later we were going for coffee. I told him part of my story, and he quickly told me I could stay with him as long as I needed to - so I did. The place was clean, I was left alone, and it gave me the space I needed to get my head back on straight while I worked out what was next for me. Soon thereafter, I got another job and moved out on my own.
Fifteen years later I received an email from the abusive boyfriend asking for my forgiveness and telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he'd never forget it. I didn't reply.
Lessons Learned
- Ask for help. Although I don't recommend what I did to anyone, at the time I felt like I had no other choice and it was the only recourse. Talk to coworkers, neighbors, or just use a pay phone and call 911 if you have to - its free, no quarter needed - and let them know what's going on.
- Make sure that you carry everything you need on you in an emergency at all times, because you never know when you'll need to flee suddenly and have to leave everything behind. Sure, the police will escort you in later to get your things, but if you are like I was, you'll never want to set foot in that house again.
