Wednesday May 15, 2013
Ruby wrote me the other day asking me why the guy she's been dating the past few months won't be her boyfriend. It's a difficult question for me to answer, because there are so many variables. Still, it's a question that many women ask, although it usually comes across like this:
Seriously, those comments and questions are culled from recent dating advice emails I've received. They all sound pretty heartbreaking - and needy. Perhaps those who have written in will see them, and be able to see just how those words come across in print.. because surely the guys they are dating know it, or at the very least feel it.
But for those who still don't understand why the dudes they're hanging out with don't want a relationship, maybe a poll will help. Why do you think men say they don't want to be in a relationship? Feel free to choose more than one answer, or add your own thoughts in the comments.
For those of you with whom a poll doesn't help (and believe me, I get it!) here's my answer to this tricky, sensitive reader question: Why Doesn't He Want To Be My Boyfriend?
Related: When Not To Date, Will My Boyfriend Ever Commit?, Relationship Expectations.
Tuesday May 14, 2013
Diane asks: "I have been chatting with this one guy for over two months now. I have hinted, and came straight out about meeting for a drink, and he always uses his sense of humor to get out of it. Should I keep chatting or just say later alligator? I even gave him my cell phone, and he does not call, but emails me everyday. Help?"
Diane, I'm really surprised that you've kept hanging on this long without a date, so let's come at this from a different perspective. If you meet a guy and you're interested in getting to know him better, can you think of any logical and reasonable reason why you'd put them off for two months?
Of course you couldn't, because you wouldn't. So why would you read into someone else's behavior any differently? Now, I wouldn't go and tell the guy something rude or upsetting like you've suggested. In fact, I suggest investing nothing else into this man. Don't chat with him, don't reply to his emails (set up a filter to throw them in the trash immediately if it helps), and don't spend one more second wondering why he won't go on a first date with you. Focus your energies elsewhere, and soon enough you'll meet a guy who is as eager and excited to meet the amazingness that is you, as you are him.
But, dear readers, what do you think? Have you been on either side of this situation, and what did you do?
Related: He's Just Not That Into You, Is He Into You Quiz, Does He Like Me as a Friend or More?, Is He Still Interested?
Saturday May 11, 2013
It sounds like something straight out of the Jim Carey movie, "Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind," however this is something other than fiction. As reported in the April 2012 edition of Psychology Today, there's considerable evidence showing that memories can be erased.
From drugs that specifically target certain memories, to behavioral changes that help sufferers to cope with traumatic past experiences, to "disarmed" viruses that focus on derailing the neural networks holding negative associations, there's a whole host of new procedures, experiments and treatments currently under review. But is it ethical, and if so, would people actually chose to erase their painful pasts?
For me personally, my memories are a huge part of who I am, and even if some are negative, I want to keep them. I've grown, learned and created so much during trying times, and that's separate from the fact that I've written my best work about or during particularly challenging life events. It's rarely easy, and I've definitely needed help to get through my difficult times, yet that doesn't mean I'd change, erase, or otherwise alter them.
But, what about you? If you had the opportunity, would you choose to erase the memories of a difficult breakup, abusive relationship, or other negative dating experience that you'd rather not have experienced? Why or why not?
Related: Top Breakup Movies, Letting Go of a Long Term Partner, Breakup Stories, Feel Better After a Breakup.
Source: Chant, I. (2012, March/April). Wiping the slate: Is playing with memory humane - or is it just plain wrong?. Psychology Today, 45(2), 14.
Wednesday May 8, 2013
Just this morning, I received a concerned email from a reader. In it, she asks:
"I have a sensitive question regarding cell phone usage, as there are children in my home. Can a person get messages from one of these mobile dating things if someone doesn't sign up/or leave that particular cell number? I had one from speak-live.com which transfers into a sex website (porn pics, etc.) and I never have been on one of these in my life! My boyfriend, on the other hand, has in the past. I am afraid my boyfriend is lying to me."
My first reaction was to ask the reader for more information to clarify her situation. From what I can understand, her and her partner share a cell phone, and she's getting text messages from an adult dating site, asking her to join, sign up, or visit. I'm answering the question with this assumption in mind, and hopefully I've heard her clearly.
Therefore, to answer: what you've received is most likely spam. A quick search for speak-live.com found that they've used several Florida-based Google Voice phone numbers to spam random cell numbers with the message, "Hi I put a pic on my page on speak-live.com just sign in and check it out ;-)". Could it have come from your boyfriend's former adult dating site use? It's possible, yet more likely that your cell number got thrown into some database somewhere (similar to emailed internet dating scams), and used as the spammer came across it.
I strongly suggest focusing on a solution to this issue, instead of thinking about what your boyfriend did in the past. In this case, that might include getting the speak-live.com number blocked, having a quick discussion with your partner to let him know what's happened (and showing him this blog post), and finding the positives in the situation - such as you finding the text before the kids did.
So, dear readers, what do you think? Has your cell phone ever been spammed by an adult dating site, and you were unable to figure out how they got your number? What would you do if this was your cell phone?
Related: How Does Google Voice Work?, Dating Scam Reporting, Signs of a Dating Scam, Talking to Kids About Pornography, Talking To Kids About Sex.