Thursday April 24, 2014
Have you ever had a date that was so fantastic, so perfect, that you were on cloud nine for days (or even weeks) on end - just to have the other participant disappear? I know I have, and I've heard more than a few folks of late both asking for dating advice and posting in the dating forums about this very topic. I find the disappearing date phenomena seems to come in waves, in that I get a lot of questions about the topic around the same time every year.
Its not an easy question to answer either, i.e. "Why didn't he call me back?" or some variation thereof. There are so many variables to the question - how long have you been dating, did anything weird happen on your date, do you know if there is any behavioral history along these lines, have you been intimate - that there is no one-answer-fits all. But what I can say is this: there is always a reason why someone doesn't call back after a great date, and it likely has little to do with you.
Rachel Greenwald has written an excellent book the topic called, "Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date." The book isn't just for women trying to understand why her date disappeared though, as there is a chapter that outlines women's top five dating deal breakers too. But the meat of the book discusses the main reasons why a guy won't call you back - even if things seemed amazing during the date - and how to prevent the same thing happening over and over again to you. Are the pointers surprising? Definitely. Will some women find the comments shared by some of the men quoted in the book abrasive? Without question. But if you've struggled with disappearing date syndrome in your life of late, its a book I highly recommend.
I should note however that I did read some of the chapter headings to a male friend of mine, who promptly said, "That's common sense for any guy. Trust me." So, if you can't get a copy of the book for whatever reason, ask your male friends about their biggest turn offs on a date, and why they wouldn't call a guy back.
But what about you? Have you ever not called someone back after a seemingly good date? Why? Or if you've been the one waiting for the call back that never came to be, how did you deal with it?
Thursday April 24, 2014
For the past few days I've researched and wrote some content about Ashley Madison, the dating site that offers it's users an 'affair guarantee'. Basically anyone whose coupled up can sign up for their service, and if you follow a strict set of guidelines, you'll receive your money back if you don't find what you're after in six months.
By writing this content, I'm not saying I support cheaters. Let's be clear: I don't. But whether I support or condone websites that offer cheaters a means to and end, the fact is, these sites exist because there's demand, and I get a lot of emails on the topic every month. Writing about it makes me curious... and if you look at the current poll results, you'll understand why.
Poll: Would you feel a temptation to cheat if there was no way anyone would find out?
So, would you cheat? Under what circumstances, if any? Have you before? If so, would you again?
Wednesday April 23, 2014
"Are we on a first date?" whispered my client quietly into the phone, as I imagined her crouching in a busy bar's bathroom stall, calling me.
"What do you mean, are you on a date? Did he ask you?" I inquired back, matching her tone and volume.
I was met with silence for a few seconds, and then, heard a puzzled, "I don't know. Maybe? He asked if I wanted to go for a drink."
The same week, I counseled a friend about what she thought was a dating relationship. She shared:
"We've talked every day since we met about two months ago, hang out at least once a week, been intimate, he even said 'I love you'. Yet the other day, he told me we're just friends? That if we were together, he would have used the word 'date' and taken me out to dinner or something."
In both cases, my answer was the same: "I think you're on something other than a date." After the initial upset, I explained myself.
I define dating as intention, meaning, whatever the intention of the two parties involved, determines the labeling of the interaction.
So in the cases of these two ladies, you'd think the intention was there, correct? Unfortunately, no, because the intention was only clear to the women, and not to the people they were spending time with. If either of them had asked, "Is this a date?" they (hopefully) would have gotten an answer, and could have decided from there what they wanted to do next. Instead, they both chose to ask me, instead of the person they were sitting across the table from.
Now, I'm just as much a culprit here as anyone. I've lived both of these situations as well, and it's infinitely easier to give advice than to put it into practice. Still, there comes a point when we all have to own our own stuff, and in doing so, choose love for ourselves over the fearfulness someone may respond in a less-than-desirable manner.
Therefore, if someone in a bar, on a dating site, or through friends asks you, "Want to hang out sometime?" or, "Can we go for a drink?" answer as you see appropriate, yet assume it's as friends only. If you're interested in more, playfully ask. "Are you asking me out on a date?"
What do you think, dear readers? How do you know if you're on a first date or not? Do you find it difficult to ask if you are, and if so, why?
Related: Picking a First Date Location, My First Date, What To Do on a First Date.
Monday March 31, 2014
I've recently found myself fascinated with the concept of everlasting romantic love - although just writing that term makes me sound like a sappy single, instead of one truly dedicated to researching and determining if love shared throughout a lifetime really does (or can) exist. There's a lot of research surrounding the topic from a variety of viewpoints, and I've done my best to summarize it here. (see: Does Love Last?)
I can read until I'm blue in the face while the statistics swirl about in my head, and still feel confuddled as to what's what. I hope that I've been able to shed (a bit) of light on the subject in the aforementioned article, however I'd still like to hear from you, my dear readers. Do you believe that romantic love can last a lifetime? Why or why not?
Related: Can We Fall in Love Again?, Will Our Relationship Last? Quiz, The Brain in Love, How To Know If You're Falling in Love.