Sunday May 26, 2013
A single friend of mine is down in the dumps. He's miserable, angry, frustrated, you name it - and it shows. So when he asked me today why no one wanted to meet him off a dating site, I paused before answering.
Because in my opinion? Mood does affect one's attractiveness. Without question.
A number of years ago I did something I've since labeled my smiling experiment, where I spent an evening sharing a 100-watt smile to everyone I encountered on a busy weekend night. Prior to my very non-scientific test, I was in a similar head space as my friend. I couldn't attract someone for the life of me and it was really starting to mess with my head. So instead of moping about it, I went out and tried something new. I genuinely smiled. At everyone. Even though I really didn't feel like it. Within two hours my mood had changed dramatically - and with it, my attractiveness meter skyrocketed. I had several people stop me on the street to ask for my name, number, or just to say hello, and one group of men invited me to join them for drinks.
With that story in mind, I wanted to tell my friend that all he had to do was change his mood. Somehow, he had to start feeling better about himself before he'd be attractive again. "Try some Wii Boxing," I suggested initially, thinking the endorphin rush would assist him in feeling better while still remaining tactful. He did, and it helped, but he was still frustrated - so I decided to share my smiling experiment trick. "Go for a walk and smile at everyone you encounter. I don't care who they are or what they are doing, just give them a smile that would light up any room, and then continue on your way. As for nothing, and keep moving, just as long as you smile. Then call me when you get back."
My friend hasn't called me back yet, so I'm hoping that my tactic worked for him as well as its worked for me. But I'm curious: do you find that your mood affects your attractiveness? If so, what do you do to change it?
Related: Attract Someone Myths, Why Can't I Create Chemistry?, How Low Self Esteem Affects Dating Relationships.
Friday May 24, 2013
Rachel asks: "I can't get a hot guy to talk to me, no matter what I do. They only want to talk to the really gorgeous girls, which I'm not. I'm not ugly though, and I think I'm a pretty cool person with a lot to offer. What do I have to do to get a cute, great guy interested in me?"
Ah, Rachel. I think most young women (and men, for that matter) ask a similar question at some point in their in their youth. Actually, that's not true: I think we all wonder at times why, for whatever reason, some people are more attracted to other people than they are us. I've spoken to women in every age bracket with some variation of this question, so I don't think you're alone in your quest or frustration, nor do I think it an unusual one. If anything, it takes courage to ask something so raw, and for that I applaud you.
To the meat of your question however, there are two answers I can give you:
- If someone doesn't think you're amazing, it's time to focus on the people who think you are; and
- Physical attraction is only one aspect of a romantic relationship, and although very important, not the only factor you need to look at when "trying to get a guy to talk to you".
Let me clarify a bit, starting with the first point. For those of us who aren't stunningly beautiful, who don't stop cars on the street or who don't sport movie-star looks when we roll out of bed, we have to do more than just look good to attract someone. In my opinion, that's a good thing. I'd much rather that someone found me hot because of the way my mind works, how I raise my children, or a twinkle in my eye than my physicality. We look different as we age, and our bodies will likely not remain the same either, so if someone finds me interesting or "hot", I hope it's because of who I am as a person and something that probably won't change much. In turn, I look for these same qualities in anyone I've dated, because they have to sport more than just a great body or a pretty face for me to find them attractive.
I realize I'm not in the majority with this mindset, and have been told many, many times throughout the years by friends and coaching clients that it's unreasonable to think physicality doesn't matter when it comes to meeting someone. See, I agree, but want to put it out there that there's more than just oh-my-gawd-he's-so-hot-I'm-going-to-puke-right-now-if-I-look-him-in-the-eye to a dating relationship. There has to be for any relationship to have legs, and thus, why I urge you to focus more on people that (a) appreciate more than just your physical beauty, and (b) take on the same behavior yourself.
For those of you who feel I haven't answered Rachel's question, I'll give you one more tidbit that may or may not be helpful: there are few things more attractive than confidence. Work on any self-doubts you have, find your inner spark, cultivate a cheerful mindset, and make yourself happy, and men of all kinds will flock to you.
What do you think, dear readers? Is there some magic thing you can do to make a "hot" guy talk to you, or interested in pursuing something? Have you done it, and if so, how? Or, do you disagree with my advice entirely, and think we should all strive for something different?
Related: New Law of Attraction? Have Them Come To You, Physical Attraction Makes Us Less Able To Make A Good Impression, Is He Interested? Quiz, How Much Do Looks Matter?, Peacocking, Zsa Zsa Zu.
Wednesday May 15, 2013
Ruby wrote me the other day asking me why the guy she's been dating the past few months won't be her boyfriend. It's a difficult question for me to answer, because there are so many variables. Still, it's a question that many women ask, although it usually comes across like this:
Seriously, those comments and questions are culled from recent dating advice emails I've received. They all sound pretty heartbreaking - and needy. Perhaps those who have written in will see them, and be able to see just how those words come across in print.. because surely the guys they are dating know it, or at the very least feel it.
But for those who still don't understand why the dudes they're hanging out with don't want a relationship, maybe a poll will help. Why do you think men say they don't want to be in a relationship? Feel free to choose more than one answer, or add your own thoughts in the comments.
For those of you with whom a poll doesn't help (and believe me, I get it!) here's my answer to this tricky, sensitive reader question: Why Doesn't He Want To Be My Boyfriend?
Related: When Not To Date, Will My Boyfriend Ever Commit?, Relationship Expectations.
Tuesday May 14, 2013
Diane asks: "I have been chatting with this one guy for over two months now. I have hinted, and came straight out about meeting for a drink, and he always uses his sense of humor to get out of it. Should I keep chatting or just say later alligator? I even gave him my cell phone, and he does not call, but emails me everyday. Help?"
Diane, I'm really surprised that you've kept hanging on this long without a date, so let's come at this from a different perspective. If you meet a guy and you're interested in getting to know him better, can you think of any logical and reasonable reason why you'd put them off for two months?
Of course you couldn't, because you wouldn't. So why would you read into someone else's behavior any differently? Now, I wouldn't go and tell the guy something rude or upsetting like you've suggested. In fact, I suggest investing nothing else into this man. Don't chat with him, don't reply to his emails (set up a filter to throw them in the trash immediately if it helps), and don't spend one more second wondering why he won't go on a first date with you. Focus your energies elsewhere, and soon enough you'll meet a guy who is as eager and excited to meet the amazingness that is you, as you are him.
But, dear readers, what do you think? Have you been on either side of this situation, and what did you do?
Related: He's Just Not That Into You, Is He Into You Quiz, Does He Like Me as a Friend or More?, Is He Still Interested?