He Tells Me What I'm 'Doing Wrong' Well After I Do It. What Now?

Issa asks: "I've been dating a gentleman for about 6 weeks now (6 dates...1 per weekend). Major bump in the relationship this weekend. While driving me home, he asked me what I wanted from a relationship and I said someone kind and respectful. Up until just a few days ago, he had been very respectful, but it seems like everything has changed now and I'm very, very confused. I said I liked relaxing together and sitting on the porch and just being comfortable. I then asked him what he wanted and, all of a sudden, I get a list of about four things that I'm doing wrong or things he doesn't like. And, three of them began with, well "Julie" used to do this (of course, that is the previous girlfriend). One of the things he listed is what my question is about.

Theirs had been a long distance relationship and I guess she always drove to see him. Out of the 6 dates, he's driven 5 of those times, but I had no idea he minded this. He said that wasn't really fair to him. My question is, are women supposed to drive half of the time?

The history is I'm in my 40s, a new school teacher (3rd year) and have been divorced for 2 1/2 years after being married for 18. He is a manager at a bank. He has never been married and told me that he dated a woman for 14 years, but only saw her maybe every couple of months. He also said that he likes a clean house (I do have quite a bit of clutter) and even said negative things about his sister's house being dirty. We met at a Panera shop once and when it was time to leave, I had kissed his neck and ear. He told me tonight that he does not really like public displays of affection (even though he said he liked it when it was happening). Is the woman really supposed to drive half of the time? I just feel really weird about everything that has happened with this gentleman this evening."

Hi Issa. I'd drop this guy like a hot potato if I were you. Not only is he telling you after the fact what he likes and dislikes, he's giving you several large red flags all at once: he mostly dates women casually (seeing them once every couple of months for years on end), doesn't commit, and sees women only as providers to him, catering to his every need - not a two way street. Sure, differences in opinion regarding PDAs and cleanliness are potential issues. At the very least they are discussion points, ways to see if you're on the same page, and an opportunity to connect with one another. In my opinion, the two of you aren't connecting, nor are you wanting the same things.

I realize I haven't addressed your main question - should women drive half the time - because to me the question is moot. I don't think that you driving half the time is the issue. But so that I don't look like I'm not answering your question? I think it depends on the relationship. I've never heard of who drives where being an issue (in several thousand dating questions received throughout the years) unless it was a long distance relationship. In that case, its polite to switch things up and take turns, but finances and family commitments can take precedence. In my experience, people who live close to one another rarely have this discussion; folks usually want to see each other however they can in the early stages of a relationship, so who drives whom rarely comes up (again, unless there are kids and/or one person makes a lot more money than the other).

I'd let the gent know kindly and quickly that things aren't working out for you and move on. After six dates I don't feel that you need to do this in person, and frankly I wouldn't recommend it. My hunch is that a respectful response won't be forthcoming, based on what you've shared already. So the next time he calls, let him know you're busy and think it would be best if the two of you didn't see each other anymore. And if he doesn't call again? Problem solved.