Chloe asks: "I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 31. He's ready to start a family with me, but I feel like I'm too young to even start thinking about having kids. I'm flattered that he wants me as the mother of his children but the thought scares me too. He's the only guy I've ever dated, and I really care about him a lot. How do I tell him I'm not ready for kids without him breaking up with me over it?"
What concerns me most about your question Chloe is the older man aspect of your equation. You probably already know, but dating someone who is thirteen years older than you at this stage of your life is a challenge at the best of times. He's ready to settle down and you aren't. He's already learned how to be independent and live as an adult, whereas you're just getting started - and may still be finishing high school. Basically, your goals and aspirations aren't going to jive with your boyfriends'.
This might be difficult to hear, and I realize its not what you're asking, but you need to tell him that you're not ready to have kids yet and prepare yourself for the relationship ending because of it. This isn't your time to start a family, and from what you've said, that won't change anytime soon. If he's dead set on having kids ASAP, then it might be best for both of you if things ended now.
Related: Relationship Expectations, Will Our Relationship Last Quiz, Communication Skills Quiz for Couples, Should We Take This Relationship To The Next Level or End It?
good article younger women should take their time
Well said and she should listen your advice. I can say love has no age or any other limits but you need to be honest and tell the other person what you want. After that there is two options:
1)He will get upset and end it up the relationship. No worries you are young and there will be others ready for you.
2) He will understand you and give you more time to get ready.
At the end it is win win situation for her.
Frankly telling you the idea of starting a family at 18 is not at all appropriate. The thing I want to know is how long is your relationship? I mean decision of staring family requires some basic understanding and with this big age difference it is hard to get. 18 is age of step in to the world you will find many nice people ahead in your life, give yourself time to explore good things for you. If you ask me I would say “It is too early”.
Been there done that girl. I’m 19, the ex 23. He wanted a kid, I didn’t. He loved me, but I wouldn’t give him what he wanted. So he ended up cheating on me for 5 whole months before I found out he had a five month pregnant ho on the side. Trust me, it will hurt a lot worse if he does this to you than if he just acts like a real man and breaks up with you!
Take it from someone your age, run away now!!! It will not work out. He was my first boyfriend too. But I loved being single before him. Even though it will hurt for a while we will both get over it.
I always figured age was pretty immaterial. If the people are mature enough to know what they want, and know what they are getting in to, then go for it. It’s more a matter of their mindset. I’m not sure to what extent I really believe in this though. If a 18 year old that fit the latter description were dating somebody say 40 or 50 that would still seem a bit iffy to me.
I think this is good advice.
I don’t find it concerning that there is a 13 year gap, but I do find it concerning that the low end of the age gap is 18. At his age, he’s being reasonable to want to have kids and settle down and at your age you’re being reasonable to not want that.
Along similar lines, I’ve had friends who got married right out of high school and immediately had kids (actually, it was kids then marriage but who’s counting?). While they adore their kids, you always get a sense that they feel that they never really got to live their life as some of their friends had. And they are the first ones to tell younger friends to take things slow.
At any rate, it will be hard (and perhaps sad) but I think you need to follow Bonny’s advice.
CAN’T TEACH, WON’T BE TAUGHT
There is always a point in someone’s life when someone else tries to tell you how to do something. They call it teaching. It is as fundamental to the human character as eating or talking. It forms and perpetuates the culture an individual is born into. Cultural evolution and adaptation emerge from the process of teaching. We are what we were taught.
Put down those books and walk into the wilderness naked. Learn, but refuse to be taught.
Gray Dourman
love looks not with the eyes but with the mind. if its meant to be it wont matter the age difference. you cant let things like that stand in the way of at least having a chance at true, long term, committed love