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Bonny Albo

Can We Reconnect After 20 Years?

By July 10, 2013

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Simone asks, "A few years ago a friend of mine said I should join Facebook, so I did, and I reconnected with a bunch of people I hadn't seen in 20 years... including 'The One'. He almost immediately accepted. We lived in different states and when I did message him, he ignored me. I was really kind of hurt. When I moved back home, he stared 'liking' a few of my notes and photos, and I received a welcome back message from him as well. Then he started working a few short blocks from home, and a few months later we finally met face-to-face. WOW!! I didn't feel the physical connection but emotional? He had me hooked again. We agreed on everything, like the same things, and he started with asking about relationships however I just went around the subject. We have since texted a bit and joked around. I don't know what to think... what to do. He told me he loved me almost 20 years ago and I walked away. I wasn't ready then. I am now. If it is there for him again, he will tell me, right? I don't want to hurt him again. I think he knows that... and I don't know if either one of us is ready or wants to have the talk... the one that bares our souls. I know I want to have it but I don't want to push him..."

Hey Simone. First, deep breath. Really. Just take a few to yourself, and enjoy the deliciousness that is this moment. I'm really happy for you that you've reconnected with someone you felt a lot for in the past, and that you've had the chance to meet again. Because now, it's time to take a breather and focus on YOU. Do something you love for you, and only you, and really lose yourself in it. Choose something that will make what's-his-name float out of your mind, even for half an hour, although I'd love it if you could do it for longer, and consistently over a period of several days. Your guy will be on Facebook when you're done, so just take this time for you. Although for a breakup, this list of suggestions works well at any time that you need to refocus elsewhere, if you need suggestions or ideas: Ways To Feel Good After a Breakup.

Once you've taken that time and only then, I want you to sit and ask yourself a few questions. Write them out, meditate on them, or just sit and think. It's up to you.

  • Am I looking for this man's love, approval, acceptance, or seeking anything at all from him?
  • I'm going to hazard that first answer is a YES, and so, please think about what would happen if you sought nothing from him at all. If that need or desire just... disappeared. What would meeting again have felt like? What would you have noticed instead?
  • How do YOU feel about this man? For instance, you shared there was a lack of physical attraction, which for most people is important in a romantic relationship. Would the lack of physical attraction matter with someone you'd just met? Really sit and think about how YOU feel. Ignore anything that comes up around wondering how he feels, or what he wants. This is about YOU, and you're the only one that matters right now.
  • Did he show any interest in you, or any interest getting to know you better? Be honest with yourself.

If, after all that, you're really wanting something more with this man, you need to have a fun yet honest conversation with him. Tell him exactly as you shared with me how you're feeling and what YOU want. "Hey, I know that, in the past, I really hurt you. At the time, I had to focus on myself and realized our romance was bad timing. Now, I'm wondering if it's better timing, as I'm feeling very drawn to you again romantically. I can't promise you anything, other than I know now how to make myself happy, and I'd like to see if I can continue feeling that way with you in the picture, too."

He may well say nothing, or ask for some time, or even be in a relationship himself. The thing is ... it's irrelevant. This is about YOU. Whatever he says is irrelevant, because you're still feeling great about YOU. Be selfish, and make sure whatever happens, that you find the best-possible-feeling-place for yourself that you can. For instance, if he says he's taken or would rather focus elsewhere -- he's doing you a HUGE favor! Wouldn't you rather know now, than invest even more time and energy into something that has zero future? Or, if he is interested in seeing where things go, isn't it better to have it out on the table right from the start, so you can stop questioning yourself and enjoy the time you do share together? Either way, you'll be good, just as long as you stay focused on you and your own happy, glowing self.

Let us all know how it goes? And, dear readers, do you have some advice for Simone, or a similar situation with details that you'd like to share?

Related: Do You Have One That Got Away?, Facebooking the Ex, 'Getting Back Together' Book Review, Can We Fall in Love Again?

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